All Quotes

Every random quote that can show up on this site, dumped in one place and sorted alphabetically, because someone asked for it and regretted asking.

Normal (quotes)

< 01@spider-hime > STEALTH BUKKAKE
<0dan0> and I am simulating california in my own room <0dan0> I have the humidifier going onto my heater, creating a warm front <0dan0> then the window is opening letting in the cold dry air, creating a cold front <0dan0> soon there will be precipitation as the warm air mass is forced to rise by the denser cold air <0dan0> and my room will be a tropical rainforest or it will be a room full of tepid air and one dumb homo
1 ingredient poop taco
1 TWIN BED, 1 TWIN BED BOXSPRING, 1 METAL ROLLY BOTTOM THINGIE-Perfect for midget orgies or old-fashioned sleeping.
10 reasons why you shouldn't take shrooms & wear adult diapers
10 year old viewers: (are 10 years old)
10-100 = Robocop on duty 10-200 = Robocop is comming to help you 10-300 = BoB the BloB on duty 10-400 = BoB the BloB is comming to help you 10-500 = World War III, send Robocop and BoB the BloB for help
100000 asteroids hitting you in the headhorrorofthebeast
12-2am lasts 15 minutes if you aren't careful
1956 is going to be my year.
1971 will be my year
3 words: brain eating amoebas
a dead horse hates to see me coming
as a white person with many non white ocs
Babies - we ain't got no time for no woo-ing - we live in a binary digital age - I'm a Child of the cold war, babies... we could all go up in any second - Mushroom clouding - surfin on those radioactive waves up to St. Peter's Pearly Barbed Wire fence - and wouldn't purgatory be so much more fun with the warm thoughts of me inside you still keeping you warm? I trully don't get you Babies at all. See you all out there - looking so fin
brother you gotta put those big brown eyes away. youll kill someone
can i get a love combo with a large friendship
cmon bro just one pdf cant hurt. no one gets addicted after one pdf lmao it's totally fine bro
Could it one day be part of the past....? Stay Hentai free.
daddy long dick is very scared right now
Do you think the cave men were eating ass?
Doing foreskin restoration even though I'm not circumcised, I want extra
everyone in the entire world lives in Chicago
Fag the fuck up bro
FBI Seizes Over 3,000 Penises During Raid
files everywhere are practically begging to be downloaded
Hentai FREE (and proud of it)
Hentai? No Way! Proud to be Hentai Free!
hey no give it back that's my comfort dead guy
He’s screaming, he’s drenched in blood, I’m rubbing my nipples
hi hello i am online and ready to bother you
hospitals in america are like you farted and it was soooo stank we had to turn on a fan. +$100000000000 to your hospital bill
how about a romp with MY BOSS this lean mean SUCKING MACHINE will take it all in with out so much as a peep.
Hyperfixation so bad people think of me when they see it
I am going to fetishize kinds of men you’ve only seen in your peripheral vision at the grocery store
i godda write more god but im too fucking vexxed by cracker men ripping ass rn..
i heard that guy doesn't have a library card let's kill him
i need to start collecting novelty lighters or i'll fucking die
I only hopes that openings up my heart like this will help you see that you should open up your bubbliscious bosoms to me
I really like listening to ppls organs when I cuddle
i wanna fart so loudly and deeply that i can’t hear my own moans over the sound
im always up at ass o clock doing god knows what
im inviting you to my birthday dinner to talk about sucking dick and cock
job listings are always like do you want to Make an Impact on the World? and Transform the Lives of Others? by serving Our Ice Cream?
Just saw a cop without a service weapon #HereComesTheTickleMonster
kicking my feet n giggling you're kinda scary
kind fat guys save me every day
Let me lick your cock for a couple hours I’m stressed
lets make jokes that dont make sense and are bad
Life is beautiful ( I'm high on painkillers)
Me and my friends ..... We goon out
@men: do you feel the sperms wriggling around like worms in your balls?
MY COOTCHIE HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN!
*new yawk voice* hey! i'm pervin' here! bada bing bada boobs!
post nut agony
pussy got me saying holy moly
Shaq has announced he's using his "final technique" which he claims "ends the world"
Shipping update: Your parcel has been torn asunder by ravenous hogs
So what the Hell! Let's go for it. Lets drive at 120+ mph over the Bay bridge the wrong way. Stand up up in a speeding convertable, while hurling beer cans at tourists, marina chicks and SUV's. Or just climb up various walls, and scrape each other off the ceilings.
something has to be done about mormons this cannot continue
SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PUT ME ON THE FUCKING CROSS THEN I LOVE FARTS
straight edge ppl: i get so gay off that NOTHING
sucking on a worthless original
the author's barely disguised personality disorder
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
the tornadoes should be taking shelter from me
the uniturd farts of americaca
The whole donner party had to split 1 perc
The world is my joyster
there should be more ballsucking, like in general
they’re burning me onto a CD tomorrow
This site is hentai FREE
unemployed and homeless but at least I'm looking good
Was any one going to tell me about my dragon nature or did I have to undergo trials
we gotta go back in time and save disco
Wikipedia every damn day: yo can I borrow 5$
Women light up the world. That's why it's called Broad daylight.
you are fucking died. game oval.
You better be ready to fuck by the 4th email
You got cum on your face you big disgrace
you have a fetish for being... tied up...? [winces] but how would you move?
You put your testicles into your partner's rectum, that's third base.
You slipped in the snow and screamed "I think I broke my fuckin ass" and then you threw up on yourself.
"you understand" is a common phrase exchanged between perverts
You were green and inflated with air. You were about 50 feet tall and there were approximately 20 people holding you down with rope. I think we caught eyes as you passed - then you turned the corner and were gone. I'll never forget you.
<{1000101}> America Jr my ass <{1000101}> Canada is like We Hate God Damn Iggerent Yank Land <_seph> you assume th atall of america is either stupid ignant countryfolk, or rapper wannabes <{1000101}> We have everything the US has, execpt we did it right <_seph> i despise both people <_seph> yes i always wanted to go to canada to live <{1000101}> No, I assume that all of the US a) thinks that *they* are America and b) are iggerent.
11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect. 18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before. -- "The USENET Guide to Power Posting", Hal Singer, 1988
14,000 americans die from diarrhea every year and everybody thinks its kinda funny at the funeral
1960's Farting Couch
2. READ. You aren't going to learn to be a good killer by watching Cheetoos commercials on the boob tube. Go to the library or your local bookstore. You will find good tidbits in the true crime section.
20 lbs of FREE BACON
$200 no lowballs no negotiation i know what i have
2012 Kia Sorento EX with the soul of a Ferrari and built by craftsmen
2x stronger than normal lightning + applies wolf effect
3 cookies deep and it all starts to make sense
3-NEVER, EVER, TRY TO GET A FREE DRINK BY ROCKING THE MACHINE. Do not ignore this piece of advice! Attempting to obtain a free drink by rocking the machine back and forth can result in serious personal injury or death! An article in the Journal of the American Medical Association (Nov. 11, 1988, p. 2697) documents 15 cases in which men trying to get a can out of the machine were crushed. 3 died, the other 12 required hospitalization for injuries such as fractures of the skull, toe, ankle, tibia, femur, and pelvis; intercerebral bleeding; knee contusion; and one punctured bladder. [...] I strongly advocate the policy whereby all Juice Machines must display the label "WARNING: Tipping this machine or any other unstable object weighing in excess of 1000 pounds onto yourself can result in serious bladder injury or death." -- from a 1993 Usenet thread titled "Mystery of the killer towels"
3gb .tif of mars downloading
3gb .tif of mars downloading hungwy
4) AT SOME POINT IN TIME, CLAIM THE OTHER PERSON IS A NAZI.
40 WAYS MALE TO MALE ACTIVITY ALWAYS SUCCEEDS IN BED
47 bluetooth devices in my bedroom fighting for who gets to mind control me while I sleep
47 bubbles in my bath account
4:35 Blaze it sorry traffic was crazy
5 FREE slices of cheese pizza (GONE)
5 ibuprofen 2 garlic
$5 is a small animal
50 Year Old Man Tracks Down 12 Year Old Cyberbully And Kills Him With Whip "...And That's The Last Neopets Funeral U Will Ever Interrupt"
50 years ago today Elvis threw a live grenade into the crowd, fatally injuring 18 people. This is why he is considered the King of Rock
50% BRUNDLE. 50% FLY
6 cars with split ac systems. they dont blow the same temp on both sides. you will never get your side of the car to be a different temp then your passanger, your in the same box of air that they are in!!! its pointless!!!
6 FT + STYROFOAM ROBOT SCULPTURE MODEL - $900000
6 FT + STYROFOAM ROBOT SCULPTURE MODEL - $900000
6:30am 16oz can Monster Lo-Carb (blue can) 7:30am 44oz Fountain Diet Mt. Dew (Speedy Rewards, yeah!) 9:30am 44oz Fountain Diet Pepsi (All work carries) 12:00pm 44oz Fountain Diet Pepse (See previous) 2:00pm 20oz Diet Mt. Dew (vending machine, cafeteria closes @ 1) 3:45pm 44oz Fountain Diet Mt. Dew (Speedy Rewards for the road, yeah!) 6:00pm 16oz can Monster Lo-Carb w/dinner 6:30pm - bedtime - various glasses of caffeinated drinks as thirst arises.
70 YRS AGO TODAY, HITLER AND STALIN BOMBED PEARL HARBOR. MAKE SURE TO KNOW UR HISTORY & PAY RESPECTS, OTHERWISE END UP LIKE HITLER & STALIN.
8/10, would Five Guys her again.
9 billion hours in kid pix
90% of hypochondriacs quit just before they die of disease
9th dimensional plane: God. Refered to by many, but understood by few.
a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
a baby burger can take down a fully grown man
A bare boob or somethin on every plate since 1999
A BASICALLY BAD DAY I don't remember the last bad day I had, except that I frowned at it and shook my finger, saying "BAD! Bad Day!" That spate of strong language made the day cower in the corner and stay out of my way. That angered me even more, since it had already ruined things. My bad day started when I was awakened by my clock-radio-telephone. The alarm kicked the radio into an obnoxious news program and the phone buzzed stridently at 5 a.m. I struggled to answer, managing to damage the radio and scare away whoever it was who called. I struggled up to find I had captured a nasty summer cold overnight. The cat was yowling. I scrambled out of the house to find the interior of the car soaking wet from an overnight rain. I ran out of gas a block from home. So... Here I am at the "Bitter End." I'm smart enough not to have a drink. I come here merely to get some perspective on what bad days are, and to look voyeuristically at other poor souls who are also having one--well, two. They are having a bad day AND a drink. There's a drunk guy banging on the door of this phone booth. He's uttering slurred phonemes at me with a look of crisp, acute rage. I think he's threatening me. Whaddya want, buster? Get offa the phone jerk! No! I'm on long-distance! I'm gonna pullyerbutt outta there fatface! Oh, oh....This is STILL a bad day!

A beer delayed is a beer denied.

a big ass stack of pancakes

A bud high is indescribable, desirable, laughable, and most of all, enjoyable.

a bully asked me if i wanted a "Hurts Donut" then one thousand ghouls phased through the floor and ceiling and began shitting on me

A Cat, a Tree, and a New Word There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat from a tree. The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height. The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach. The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free. The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of Niagara Falls, and was never seen again. This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".

A Christian Response to Dungeons & Dragons: The Catechism of the New Age

a demiurge is when you kind of want something

A farmer had 17 sheep. All but one died. How many were left? ONE.

a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom.

A firm, businesslike handjob

A girl can be a handsome fella. This is obvious

a gnat just beat me up and left me in a ditch

*a gong bangs when I enter the room even though I'm white* Hey guys

a grenade is a small easily startled animal

A GUIDE TO GREEN PANTHER LIVING Written by: Mark Fury FOUNDER OF THE MARXIST FURY ACTION GROUP (Disclaimer- Any reference to violent acts such as: hanging, lynching, shooting, kneecapping, firebombing, killing, maiming, destorying, assasinating or other such graphic descriptions are purely used to describe the neccesity for action against the Middle and Upper Class. They are not serious. [...] Remember, brothers, we still have freedom of speech. Viva La Revelucion!!) -- SOSHUTUP! zine #1

A guy goes a-shooting at Saguaro cacti; hits one. It falls and kills him!

a heatwave is a type of ancient curse

A highschooler is coming to your house for dinner. They are on the debate team. They have just read Nietzsche. There is nothing you can do about it

A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

A letter to my dead girlfriend - m4w

A man builds a house with four sides. Each side has a southern exposure. A bear comes by. What color is the bear? WHITE (A POLAR BEAR)

a mans gotta eat and hot dogs are cheap- unknown poet warrior

A McSpicy, just so you know, is a McSpicy

a meba is almost like a really really small anermal but not quite

A military husband lets his family know that he'll be home for Christmas (in a bodybag!!)

A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A mosquito has escaped from the zoo

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

A precocious six year old boy named Spongebob Castlevania Williams

A prion is a type of maid

a private, peaceful dump after a hearty lunch. my own natural ecstasy.

A Public Service Annoucement From Your Kidney

A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.

A rare moment of rabbitkin acceptance. I went out for dinner with my anti-otherkin mother last week, and as we were ordering our food, the waiter asked us what we wanted. I said "As a rabbitkin, I would like some kind of mixture of human food and rabbit food. As the waiter wrote this down, my mom yelled at me "FOR THE LAST TIME, OTHERKINS ARE DISGUSTING! THEY PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT! NO DAUGHTER OF MINE IS RABBITKIN!"! As I cried and cried and cried, the waiter said to my mother "You are a small-minded bigot! As it turns out, I am a plantkin myself, and my wife is a spacekin! How dare you offend us like that!" and threw her out of the restaurant. The entire restaurant began to clap and cheer. I got a free dessert, and they added a new option to the menu: Rabbitkin special surprise!

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

a real homeboy would fart in such a scenario

A response. "UR AN AAAsSSS!!111!!"

a reverse bidet where you get blasted with shit during a shower

a second bumblebee has hit the flowers

A trip down Analog Lane- 27 years of video taping American history!!

a warm goey suprise

A well-regulated militia having become irrelevant to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms against one another shall remain uninfringed.

a wizard in a bottle has washed up on the shores of every beach in america

a wizard threw skull shaped fire at me for no reason

<@A-Patriot-Missile> im gonna blow you.... up * marley is now known as A-Scud-Missile <+A-Scud-Missile> no * A-Scud-Missile was kicked by A-Patriot-Missile (DESTROYED!!!)

a_spank_horses: Bro i_spank_horses: I was driving in a passenger seat of my friends car i_spank_horses: piss wasted i_spank_horses: He was driving like 45 mph i_spank_horses: And there was a mexican guy getting in a truck i_spank_horses: Close to my side i_spank_horses: I stuck my hand out the window and smacked his ass i_spank_horses: and he screamed so loud i_spank_horses: he thought he got shot i_spank_horses: I hurt my elbow i_spank_horses: It was so sick muzzleflashed: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA i_spank_horses: I couldn't breahte for 2 days i_spank_horses: funniest thing ive ever done

Aaaaaaand here is your sign to go get the lava lamp that you've been wanting!

aaaaaand reblog. *kicks back in my comically large leather business chair and lights up a cuban cigar* i own this fucking place. .. my empire.

ABNORMAL LOADS ONLY

About to have an American moment. I get macaroni or cheeseburger today

(about your pet wasp) you know that thing would lay eggs in your carcass if you died right

absolutely pounding a zip lock bag of cut up hot dogs in the portle potty

Bush: Iraq, you'd better get rid of your nuclear weapons or we'll bomb you! Iraq: We don't have any nuclear weapons. N Korea: We do. Bush: Well then get rid of your chemical weapons! Iraq: We don't have those either! N Korea: Ummm...we have nukes now. Bush: We KNOW you've got chemical and nuclear weapons! Get rid of them! Iraq: Even if we did, which we don't, we can't even hit the USA! N Korea: We can nuke California all we want. Bush: Shuddup North Korea, no one cares! Iraq, you'd BETTER disarm! Iraq: But we don't HAVE anything! N Korea: Oh fuck it, blow up Los Angelas... Bush: Iraq, I'm warning you... *BOOM* bush: "we are sick and tired of your missiles hitting us, iraq...but we cant understand why they are flying in from the pacific ocean!" north korea: "he CAN'T be that stupid." saddam: apparently he is. i myself havent even made any missile that goes beyond walking distance."

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence (AUDI)

Acceptable hair colors include neon pink, neon green, neon blue, neon neon, fluorescent neon, orange, and any color you can find by opening a random cannister of Kool Aid in your local grocery store.

accidentally caused myself to get a stomach ache by vividly imagining myself eating the burger i was planning on having for dinner tomorrow

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay

Actual pictures of: poop, turds, poo, shits, schit, crap, dookie, poo poo, cacas, fecal, shite, doody, ass head, faeces, diarrhea, stinky, the big smelly, nancy, kaka, dump, dropping the kids of at the lake, stinky doodie, chit

Actually Doctor Pepper is the guy who created it. What you're drinking is really Pepper's Monster

Actually it was a double murder and suicide because it took both 3090's with it.

actually its really sad we cant do inconsequential cartoon violence to eachother its not fair me and my friends cant throw bombs at eachother and put eachother through a giant cheese grater and toss eachother off cliffs

Actually worked. I did this in the middle of a large, deserted field where I live. I was big, probably the size of 2 elephants, with wings. I was unable to breath file, or I simply didn't know how to. The transformation was very painful, it felt like each bone was twisting and breaking. I was a light grey and blue, but my eyesight was different so I'm unsure. I was in this form for no more than 5 minutes before I turned back.

add another clove of garlic im not driving

Additional sources: On Tuesday nights (class nights), I also have a quad grande cappuccino at Beaners around 4pm, plus a 32oz Diet Coke from Chipotle with dinner around 7.

I can predict things before they happen yes i know That's precognition, not telepathy Ah, damnit... Good one

adulthood involves green bell peppers in some way I think

After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

After reading about the health benefits of drinking urine, I've given it a lot of thought and decided to take the plunge. Yep, I'm going to become a pee drinker. This is a big decision, I know, so I decided to make an event of it. I'm inviting a few friends over for a dinner party--so we can all drink pee together. I'm planning to serve Rosemary Chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and a warm spinach salad on the side. What goes better with this meal? Light or dark piss? I've heard that you *only* serve dark pee with beef and light pee with fish and poultry. True? Please advise. I don't want to look like some weirdo. Thanks.

AFTER YOU COMPLETE YOUR ONLINE DEGREE (IN 8 MONTHS OR LESS), I WILL SEND YOU A HOT AMATEUR MP3 THAT WILL CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBT USING ONLINE AUCTIONS.

<@Afterglow> what's the point of irc anyway <@Afterglow> everyone idles < destruct> the "point" is that if you take the third word spoken on the second tuesday of every month of the the third person down in each channel you visit on irc, they will form a description of the path to the lost city of atlantis

age regressing by 5 minutes so i can remember what i was just asked to do

age regressing to 2 years old but i was an especially erudite and articulate baby so you don't even notice

Agnostic Cock Worship: It is impossible to know what cock is.

AH. ONCE AGAIN IM RAKED THRU THE COALS AND TORTURED TO DEATH FOR HAVING A NORMAL PERSONS OPINON. FUCK OFF

Some people...have the idea that evolution is a fucking system of... "oh i need flippers, i'd better grow some" type bullshit. :P It's more like "Oh shit look at that freak over there with the flippers hahaha OH SHIT I AM DROWNING OH GOD SAVE ME FLIPPER BOY".

puff da magic hard drive lived near drive B: sorta near the power sply in a tower owned by me

alarm goes off ah another day to promote libertarianism!! bolts upright in bed, bonking my head on the top bunk which knocks me out cold

I just threw a squirrel carcass in a cardboard box and installed NetBSD on it.

ALIAS CHOP /me drops a 20 ton canary on $0 .. -- IRC action-alias script by PosterBoy, 1994

ALIAS DOZE { me is dozing on his keyboard .. say nbxjhvanvjnv0lkejy me wakes up .. } -- IRC action-alias script by PosterBoy, 1994

ALIAS DROP /me drops a 50 foot redwood on $0 .. -- IRC action-alias script by PosterBoy, 1994

ALIAS ZAP /me zaps $0 with his 1.5 Megawatt probe .. -- IRC action-alias script by PosterBoy, 1994

ALIEN CRAFT FOUND, ...NEED HELP...THIS IS NOT A JOKE

ALIEN CRAFT FOUND, ...NEED HELP...THIS IS NOT A JOKE

alien creature I created for art class

all beverages should cost one dollar when i want them

All cats are grey in the dark.

all hot dog fans are damn excited for the next condiment reveal for barbeque

all night i want to spray my stink on you

All of the children simultaneously fold their Happy Meal boxes into unsettling tribal masks

All of your friends have an @ in their names

All printers go to hell no matter what

All Quiet On The Frontal Lobe

all sorts of folk love cummin

All these people are walking into the room in a long line, slow like a funeral march. They're coming through that dark hole and they all have black things on but you can't see their faces because they have these big hoods. Everyone's carrying a kitten.

All this was calmly explained to me by someone at a club whose pupils were so dilated that he looked like a caucasian that had just stepped out of a japanese cartoon.

all two of my toes

all UFO caused by me

Alpha chick you have been spotted!! fire emergency escape rocket and get the hell outta their now!!! go go go sound of rocket engine....end transmission

alright Boys i just spent seven years on a dumpster diving voyage across South America and i got some nice Finds for YA , lets take a look:

“Alright, that's it. I'm done with this game! I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is; like putting a turd in a fan or a bandsaw. You just don't do it.”

alright. ill cast firearm i acquired illegally

Also, because of complaints I've recieved, scat and watersports may not be included. Sorry to those that like 'em, but this isn't the place.

ALTHOUGH THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH THIS TRANSACTION AND WISH THE TACK WELL IN IT'S JOURNEY.

Always a sad day when ya fav kicks get demoted to 'Yard Work Shoes'. Today is that day for one of mine. Any words of positivity are appreciated

ALWAYS REMEMBER: THE NIGHT IS DARKEST JUST BEOFRE IT KEEPS GOING FOREVER

am not an amoeba but i believe in their beliefs

america has so many small shitty buildings

america in all likelihood invented eating in your car

AMERICA REALLY DEAD THIS TIME. I MEAN IT. ALL NATIONS UNITE TO DONATE BILLIONS OF TONS OF DIRT TO GIVE A PROPER BURIAL TO OUR DEAD COUNTRY

AMERICA SHOULD MAKE MARINES RAISED FROM 7 years old !

AMERICA SHOULD MAKE MARINES RAISED FROM 7 years old ! -- Knight-Sgt. Reyes

america the Fuck-State proves once again that ti is bullshit, by locking innocent Toilets in most prison cells without trial

American Beer Oh my god! Beer worse than Budweiser? Definitely so. Avoid this, oh god, please avoid this. (note: roughtly $6.00 a case if that means anything). PUKING FACTOR: 70 -- Whatever Ramblings beer reviews zine

“americans don’t know anything about history” yeah dude thats like two million burgers ago

americans love to eat a meal alone in a parked car

Amputate everything above the feet

just bought a server did a harddrive restore on it found nothing of interest except... his poems let me recite a few this one is called 'wishful thinking' The money I ve blown Getting high with dirty bitches I wish I ve never known Puffin on the pipe while they choke on my bone They re never grateful of the kindness I ve shown Or of all the times I ve made them mown So from now on I m just going to fucking leave them alone

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Amy_Lynne.: Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar.

an ant carrying a crumb across the road has caused a 3 mile traffic jam

an enormous ass blocks my view of the sun, casting a perfect ass shadow on my face humiliating my family who wereall born without asses

An insane bird lives outside my window - w4m

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

An uncle attscked us while we were camping

Anarchy: You steal a doughnut.

do girls like it if you stick your hand up there ass?? hurry plz.. im in the middle of something

and above all, don't delete my collection of pr0n mpeg's. i'll need them when you give up on me, in about 5 minutes.

And all it could say, through it's bloody little fangs.....was..."TAKE A TRANSFER...TAKE A TRANSFER!!!!!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! this is in or around Massive Botched Transfer Attempt post id: 34813515

and buddy? i'm about to start seasoning

and finally, if I murder him on the plane while in the air, what state has jurisdiction ?

AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ASK YOUR HUSBAND ONCE IN AWHILE HOW HE IS!!!!

And for my next trick, I will show thousands of strangers online my descent into madness.

AND I WILL LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON OK SO THAT I CAN SAND THE MONEY TO YOU OK

AND I WILL LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON OK SO THAT I CAN SAND THE MONEY TO YOU OK ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Balwinderjit Dhaliwal Date: Feb 28, 2006 8:14 AM Koo koo ka choo Mr Robson.

And most of all, POTENTIAL STALKEE MUST OBSERVE PROPER ETIQUETTE WHEN BEING STALKED!!!

and my fridge has a freezer this year so guess who stocked up on kid cuisine mother fuckers

And thanks also for the dual middle fingers as the train drove away. That was very sweet and made an impression on me.

And the ultimate bloging begins

and they will instantaneously retaliate with a level 8 Chain Lightning, as is their right

And this is why Alcoholics Anonymous exists

AND WHILE YOUR AT IT, GIVE THE COLLECTIVE COMMUNITY OF WRIGLEYVILLE THE 1,387 HOURS OF BLACKOUT DRUNK TIME THAT THEY LOST LAST NIGHT!

and you better believe I'm stirring occasionally

“And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! (hysterically) WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?! WHHHYYYYY?! AAAAGGHHH!”

Anne Boleyn: What's a fuck ?

Another day of thanking God — Vietnamese people — For inventing Phở

another Win for America, the best country in the universe

Answer their questions with questions.

ANSWER. According to nature, yes; according to theology, no; and these questions must be answered according to theology. And right here, it may he well enough to state, that in theology the unnatural is the probable, and the impossible is what has always happened. If theology were simply natural, anybody could be a theologian. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

ANSWER. All you had to do was to take an innocent animal, bring it to the altar, cut its throat, and sprinkle the altar with its blood. [...] When God saw an animal thus butchered, and smelt the warm blood mingled with the odor of burning flesh, he was pacified, and the smile of forgiveness shed its light upon his face. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

antique austrian bronze bat lamp

antishippers like you harass thousands of children every day, indirectly causing some of them to selfharm and suicide.

Ants are one of the most hostile breeds of crumb

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Anyone else come to this video to pleasure themselves

Anyone else eating chips in bed

anyone else get embarrassed when their self indulgent daydreams are like too self-indulgent? like oh jeez the telepaths are going to judge me

anyone else smoke through their nostril

anyone else up ripping their flesh off and off and off and off

anyone more esoteric than me is a loser anyone less esoteric than me is a moron.

anyone wanna give me $2000 just because. i’m really into that.

ANYONE WHO HASN’T BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE THE DAWN OF THE INTERNET KNOWS THAT PRINTING IN ALL CAPITALS IS THE CYBERSPACE EQUIVALENT OF YELLING.

Apartments surrounding the "lakefront property" are equipped with reinforced glass windows to prevent the 500-pound mosquitoes from crashing into the living room and implanting eggs into the owner's children.

Apocalypse prevented indefinitely bc Fenrir will not swallow the sun unless it's wrapped in bologna or perhaps covered in peanut butter

apparently making a building out of flesh and blood and bone makes people "uncomfortable" and "grossed out" and "terrified" instead of welcomed and at home because they can relate to the space around them. humans are so fucking weird

apparently youre supposed to suffer deeply they like it when you suffer deeply

Apply garlic to a freshly opened cut or burn to immediately intensify the pain

Ar0uNd Â» Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which Ar0uNd Â» created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, Ar0uNd Â» which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad Ar0uNd Â» breath. This made him.... what? Ar0uNd Â» (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Arbys we have the meats

> are the allegations of you and the dead puppy prostitution ring true or false? (mogel) false. I only dig squid. sorry. -- IDCIYRT zine, "interview with mogel"

are they perhaps a gnome

are very dominant and possessive, and extremely jealous people.

Are you a person that appreciates all the pleasures that hearing affords? Do you love to listen to the waves crashing on the beach or the sound of rainfall on a tin roof? How about the sound of the wind whispering in the willows or a robin singing? Or maybe you enjoy soothing music? In HELL there will be NONE of these.

are you drinking antifreeze, or putting Mountain Dewtm in your car?

Are you from Nebraska? Don't call me because you will creep me out because Nebraska has such a strange shape. I have shape issues, and I cannot deal with anything remotely Nebraska-shaped. Also, Nebraska is just chock-full-of-whores.

are you gonna pick those penne noodles out of the boiling water one by one like a man, or are you gonna use a strainer like some kind of democrat?

"Are you kidding?" laughs the rescuer. "You can make more money with a talking frog than you can with a hotshot Wall Street stockbroker."

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOOOOOBAAAAAW

Are you willing to die for $3 dollars

Aren't grocery stores just poop factories?

Article 107a: Article 102 is to be considered invalidated if the party in the second part is the same person as the party in the first part. Article 107b: Article 107a is to be considered valid if the party in the first part is the same person as the party in the first part.

as a 89 year old man, thank you for taking me deep inside a river cave

As a Doctor in Trinkledodlets engineering, I can say that last year's doohickey convention was probably my favorite on account of the Fleebledee Co publishing a DIY book on how to make your own Trinkledodle, called "Trinket Trinkles: How to Make Your Own Couthion Trinkledodles". Really making this kind of science accessible to the young people of the is generation is vital for the expansion of our doohickey sciences.

As a kid, I wasn’t allowed to touch the hot stove with my bare hands. But now I get to do it whenever I want

As an empath I can tell when the microwave is about to be done before it even beeps

As I understand it, if they have sex again the fields will spontaneously combust and homes all over the county will collapse and be swallowed up into the bowels of Hell.

as if you had a choice

as the target audience of sandwiches,

AS TIME IS OF URGENT MATTER – I MUST IMMEDIATELY RECEIVE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TELEPHONE NUMER OF YOUR HOME.

As you can plainly see, the human head in a large glass case, while technically not being a pet, is by far the superior choice for any pet owner.

As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet (Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button

ashes to ashes, dust to dust, reeses to pieces

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

Ask to see a menu.

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

asking the cashier "Nothing bad's gonna happen to me right?"

ASS CLEANING 101: 5 IMPORTANT TIPS TO KEEP IT ASSALISCIOUS

********ASS KICKING MACHINE*******

assembling a crack team of specific body part fetishists to draw the worlds most fuckable exquisite corpse

Assgaskets, Assgaskets, Assgaskets and then more Assgaskets!

Assortment of bee's getting confused by door cams and attempting to pollenate them

Astronauts on the moon looked back on what they thought was a blue sphere in the distance. Actually it was the inside of the earth's shell.

At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

At hooters right now, here to protect the servers’ innocence

At least I won't be shocked when you show me your pylon-sized butt plug or request to suck on my tampon.

at least none of this is real

AT SIX FLAGS EATING FIVE CORN DOGS BY FOUR PORT-A-JOHNS AT THREE IN THE AFTERNOON ON SECOND DAY OF JANUARY.

at the age of 28 years i intentionally cooked myself via michael wave radiation which i emanated from my aetheric body and trapped within my own morphogenetic field

at the confessional booth throwing darts at the priest thru the screen

At the end of the day, we’re all just saying dumb shit then going to bed

at the euthanasia party everyone gets a sip of the forbidden leantastyrepulsorboots

at the gas station getting pisst off becasue they dont accept ogre coins

Canada is the USA's largest national park

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

atm machines dont eat but that dosent mean they cant crave the succulent flesh of a burger

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

Attention all customers: our store will be closing in five minutes. If you are present in the store after closing you will be hunted for sport.

auguh my spider monkey tail is so sore, from work

AUGUST IS OVER??????

Available - one grumpy-ass cat.

aw, fuck, I'm straight

aye can i get uh………ingredients on my burger

bababooey!!!!! rooting tooty! BAM!!!!!!!!!!! your legs are now fresh jelly congrats dear reader!

BABIES ARE BORN WORSHIPPING UNKNOWN GODS — Dwarf Fortress, Bug Report #13172

baby get out the nerve stapler

babygirl ur upset stomach is cuz chemical reaction of food in yo belly created 8 demon chariot riders and they rode off each into one cardinal + intercardinal direction to go light beacons in nightmare towers etcetera

<[BAC]Draxon|TWL> "The animals will hear!" bellowed the ear licking penguin as the awesomely endowed midget sucked her oozing charlies and plugged his purple middle leg into her festering cunt. <[BAC]Draxon|TWL> oops <[BAC]Draxon|TWL> wrong window what the FUCK

Back to the WAL-MART ORDEAL.

Bad ass movie titles you'll only see on Craigslist

bad news kitten it looks like we're dying at sea

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Does anyone know where you can buy large, exceptionally strong plastic bags, fake dog poo, sulphuric acid, aroma therapy candles, and a ten pound dead doberman on the internet? all but the dead dog on amazon.com i bet you could put together your 'amazon.com' wishlist and send it to people. they will wonder about the theme, but keep them wondering.

Ballantines Ale This is probably my most favorite brew in the whole world. Very cheap ($1.50/quart) and damn tasty. Has a kind of skanky taste. [...] this guy said it has a rosy, fruity aftertaste. What a flake! -- Whatever Ramblings beer reviews zine

balls explode out of sack when fart hard

Baltimore city employees strike, demand to be paid in US dollars rather than “Baltimoney”

A friend from college is now getting her PhD in biomedical engineering, and she has a pet rat she has to experiment on, and she had to castrate it for her next procedure. Apparently the thing wasn't fully under anaesthesia, and when she was shaving it, it ejaculated on her. And the most horrible thing is that she shrugs it off and is like, "Who'd have thought the first handjob I'd ever give would be to a rat?!"

BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK! *pause* BARK BARK!

it's all about getting drunk at defcon, and waking up the next morning in a ditch, with a TRS-80, a wireless modem, a sombero, a pair of high heels, an angry midget and you're dressed like a mariachi.

Barrister Ayo Ahmed SIR/MADAM URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL I AM BARRISTER AYO AHMED, THE LEGAL ADVISER TO ABBA ABACHA THE PRESENT HEIR TO THE ESTATE OF THE LATE HEAD OF STATE OF THE FEDERAL MILITARY GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA, LATE GENERAL SANNI ABACHA. THIS EXERCISE HAS BEEN GOING ON NOW FOR MORE THAN A MONTH. THE GOVERNMENT HAS SUCCEEDED SO FAR TO RECOVER THE SUM OF $3.2 BILLION DOLLARS FROM SWISS BANK ACCOUNT. ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO RECEIVE IT AND INVEST IT AND FINALLY, MAKE MY CLIENT A PARTNER IN WHATEVER BUSINESS YOU INVESTED THE MONEY IN. THIS MONEY WAS KEPT AND LODGED IN THIS SECURITY VAULT IN A CRATE MARKED ANTIQUE. SO, IT IS SAFE AND UNDISCLOSED FOR NOW. THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION, I AWAIT YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE. YOURS SINCERELY, AYO AHMED

Bart Simpson died today. He did suicide by cop. The nation mourns Bart Simpson, beloved prankster icon.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

bashing my skull against the steering wheel while screaming in my car for an hour; then coming on here pretending to be a Mental Health Guru

basketball dracula isn't real dude he can't-- *sudden squeaking noises from the shadows*

bathrooms are for customers only

bathrooms SHOULD be binary but it should be for drugs/for peeing

baths and showers are fucking stupid; here's what u do: get one of those big rotisserie ovens and roatate inside of it until you're dead

I'm downloading "two girls in the woods stop to kiss and piss.mpg". And it turns out it's an mpg of two chicks in thw woods who stop to kiss, and then piss. Dunno what I was expecting.

Here are my Desperate Attempts To Get Rid Of AOL 1) I hired and exorcist to get rid of AOL on my computer. It failed to work. 2) I also buried CD's In holy water, the holy water evaporated but the CDs survived and now glow red... 3) I pissed on my AOL CD's and returned them to AOL...They sent me a thank you note for the cologne haha

<[BCorp]Atropos> and if you don't give me 12 dollars i'm going to plunge them into the center of the earth <[BCorp]Atropos> with those dinosaurs and cave men and shit that got trapped down there <[BCorp]Atropos> and then they will be severely discomforted <[BCorp]Atropos> and who will be laughing then? <[BCorp]Atropos> not you, that's who! <[BCorp]Atropos> hahahahahahahaaahhahahaha <[BCorp]Sleight> oh and Washington, cut down on the damn coffee stands <[BCorp]Atropos> oh, for that remark i'm plunging them anyway <[BCorp]Sleight> heh I don't care about my dad's side, have your way <[BCorp]Atropos> i'll be back in a second, gotta pull the "plunge" lever <[BCorp]Sleight> tell them goodbye for me <[BCorp]Atropos> no <[BCorp]Atropos> i'll tell them you said they were fat <[BCorp]Sleight> cruel <[BCorp]Atropos> mwamwamwamwamwa <[BCorp]Sleight> while you are at it, plunge the whole town of Rochester <[BCorp]Sleight> get rid of those damn neighbors who keep saying pop <[BCorp]Atropos> alright... but just this once <[BCorp]Atropos> i'm not a plunging service you know

Bdsm but i leave the sub to be slowly eroded in the desert for a thousand years

BDSM FETISH: Bondage (A-C) Bondage (D-J) Bondage (K-Z) Bondage (Yahoo)

be honest. are you guys only hanging out with me because of the prophecy.

be my spaceman, land on my moons

Be on the look out for the 3 C Gang (Cool, Creepy Characters)!Approach with caution! These characters are consider COOL and DANGEROUSLY FUN!

be silent, keep your forked tongue behind its teeth, I have not passed through fire and death to exchange words with a witless worm

Be so completely yourself that everyone wants to kill you

Be sure to stop by the lair for the Evil Villain Seasonal Celebration this 4/20, when Easter and Passover will be fortuitously coinciding! Bring your kids to hunt for the matzoh (which will be encased in a festive "egg" of 85% THC wax concentrate), or just enjoy some charoset sprinkled with chocolate chunks and charas. The first 102 guests will be conscripted into our passion-play and the next 318 will be recruited as plague reenactors- we have real diseased livestock this year- so don't be late! Remember to bring your lighter, rolling papers, and firstborn... especially if they were immaculately conceived ;)

be the wizard you wish to see airbrushed on the side of van

Be vague in your order.

BE YE WARNED: the following pages have been cursed by Demonic HTML and possesed by Java Poltergiests. If ye have surfed here on an old browser ye should turn back now and UpGrade. Ye Have Been Warned! (In most cases it is frightfuly FREE!)

>> Beast Shareware Software << Dane Quayl Speeling Cheekr by Softwar Toolboks As the documentation for this product puts it: "Who are these guys in horney-rimmed glasses at Harvird and Oxfort to tell peeple how to speel wurds?" -- Random Access Humor zine, 1992 BBS Industry Awards

Beautiful lab grown women

Beaver: Hey Wally.... Wally: Yea Beave? Beaver: How come is it there's a green lady with red spots dancing on my face? Wally: Gee Beave...Are you screwed up AGAIN?? Beaver: Yea, I guess I kinda ate some purple microdots and junk.... Wally: Aw heck, Beave, that's just about the worst thing a guy could do. Beaver: D'ya think Eddie Haskel has some kinda phallic fixation on account of him always bein' nice to Mom? Mabye it's kinda indicative of some type of Oedepial hangup or somethin'. Wally: Aw, heck no Beave, Freud's a creep. Beaver: Wally!! Laughing fish are eating our furniture!! And Giant electric space babies!! Wally: Cut it out, Beave, your'e just having a bum trip.

Because a pretty machine that can't whip your espresso is still a piece of crap and a cheating, lying bastard is a still a cheating, lying bastard, even if he took extra writing classes in college.

Because death is the ultimate killfuck

bedsheets are all like lets go over there

Been eating big drippin hot wings

been releasing dorphins and other things of the body

been thinking about getting into recreational rocking back and forth

beer before spider hurricane spider

bees:*is keep*

before hotdogs existed people at baseball games would just eat sticks and rocks

"Before you hump her, Cover your thumper!"

beheading at dollar tree aisle

beheading at dollar tree aisle 17

BeHeMoTh101 : dude, this one time in school i was looking at this advertisement to a christian club BeHeMoTh101 : and on the poster it said "who carries your load? jesus does." BeHeMoTh101 : and i was like, wtf it's the scrotum

being a child in minnesota meant learning through firsthand experience that most bodies of water have vegetation that wraps around your ankles and the hatred i developed around that transferred into a larger hatred for swimming in general

being human sucks but beleve what you to

Being in chicagow means I get to suffix all my actions with “Chicago style”

Being libertarian >>>>> EVERYTHING ELSE

being shy and somewhat introverted in my younger years, i feel as though i completely wasted my Vietnam War experience

Being told what to do is great because then you know what to do

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Believe you me, I will resurrect the babyfur community in this city. Mark my fucking words.

Bellybutton lint - 3 jars of it

(Below is an ad you can put on your website to help fight back against the tampon industry. If we make life uncomfortable enough for people who openly use tampons, we just might be able to do a mountain of good in turning this messed up world around.)

Ben and Jerry’s is dangerous ice cream... capitalizes on the evolutionary human instinct to dig for chunks... before you know it half the pint gone

Beneath the Earth, or hanging off the edges, is a land populated by either green-skinned women or Nazis.

berries go bad so fast because they are born evil unfortunately

>> Best Hardware Innovation << U.S. Idiotics Messenger Dual Technology Modem/Cabbage Grater With ACSL (Adaptive Cole Slaw Leveling) This device is especially popular with sysops who run their boards out of the kitchen. -- Random Access Humor zine, 1992 BBS Industry Awards

Best of Craigslist needs a smidge more cat shit

Better stop before she gets this big block of cheese

Better yet, imagine the day when people no longer feel they need a “sausage” in the morning

|NEWS FLASH| ALL K-MART AND WALMART STORES WILL BE CLOSED IN IRAQ. - they will be replaced with Targets!

Bi curioius? I can help... - w4w

heya little question what services are best for unreal ? funeral services

big fan of telling people “have fun” when they say theyre going to the restroom

BIG GUBMENT PERSONAFIED!

Big Money. Why? (BMW)

Big Ugly Import Car Killer (BUICK)

Bigjoefla: DOSE THAT AFFEND YOU YOU COCK SUCKER

bigmouth fake priest telling me to "drink a shitload of holy water and kill yourself" as penance? this has happened at three churches now

billards would be more fun if there eere mini cows grazing on the field and they sometimes walk sround and fuck up the shot or give u a point

billions of years from now when the sun consumes the earth WORLD STARRRRR

Biological Warfare for the Masses(tm) Send Disease Virtually Anywhere...FREE! Send FREE Virtual Plague! Send REAL Plague PICK UP Your Virtual Infection!

Bird from Daytona USA

Today this guest speaker came to our class to talk to us about the local college and the programs they offer. so he goes around the rooms asking people what they want to major in one kid goes "Ii'm not sure yet, I'll either be a Computer Programmer or a Priest" and I'm like " Either way you won't get laid" I got a 2 day suspension for saying that. LMAO !

BITCH I WILL GO ANYWHERE IN HIS BODY CAUSE I'M MR WORLDWIDE

Blessed be the faggot the dyke & the transsexual. Blessed be the strap-on the latex & the leather.

blood spray is just another kind of cumshot

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you. j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u. bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure. j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go. j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck. bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory. j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on. j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt. bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts. j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game. bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass. j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious. bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass. bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet. j_gurli3: thats it. bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn. bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

Blow bubbles.

blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk. if you even give a shit. if my life even means anything

*blows you up with a plasma grenade*

blue raspberry is fucked up cause it doesn't make sense but then u taste it and it Does taste like if a raspberry was blue

BLUR MUST BE PLAYING A SECRET SHOW!" "You are a crazy old kook!" I said, and then I punched him in the face.

BOGOGRAPHY: If you haven't enjoyed reading this file, then you can bog off. ...jumpers are clothing's way of telling you to pull over... -- The Toxic Custard Workshop Files, footer tagline, 1990

Boiding my vowels at work.

Boiling his chinchilla was only my way of telling him that it is unacceptable to pretend he doesn't know me when it is SO OBVIOUS THAT I AM THE ONE WHO IS SENDING ALL THOSE INSTANT MESSAGES TO HIM.

Boiling his chinchilla was only my way of telling him that it is unacceptable to pretend he doesn't know me.

bone serpents now control 90% of continental north america

An honorary degree is like a nerf dildo. nerf dildos can be fun....sort of i use a nerf whip it's part of the Bondage for Beginners set

http, nntp, ftp. these are all non-cohesive with end-to-end viewing of good titty pics the new standard: hehe NTTP: Nice Titty Transfer Protocol

Books are so cool because there are no fucking ads in them

books from the 70s are only 30 years old by the way. ignore the years after 2000

boooy youre as dumb as a box o huckleberries out in the damn sun

Bored as hell w/ this shitty B movie we call life

Born to draw creampies, forced to wrap real pies

why the fuck isn't my disc drive working i fucking worked on that essay for three friggin' hours in school i now i cant finish it 'cos my fuckin drive ain't working you got the right drivers? hell yes it was working fine yesterday why does this shit always happen to me? maybe that little clip on the side is i nthe wrong position i havent touched it since school i'm growing impatient ANGRY even throw that shit out tha window . . . OMG i fuckin did it!!! FUCK!!!!! it works? no, i threw it out the window the disk? NO the whole drive i live on the 6th floor, made a nice *smash* :D FUCK SHIT FUCK THE DISK WAS STILL INSIDE brb . . . shit what? did ya break it? well i couldn't open the drive so i had to pound it against a rock :o quite HARD and you know what? that fucking disk wasnt even there ??? i got so mad i threw the remaiders of the drive on to the freeway and when i got back upstairs i foud the disk inside my bag lol I NEVER EVEN PUT IT IN THE DRIVE i'm actually cryin right now . . . wonder if i could make that drive work again brb

Boss make a dollar I fuck that dollar

boss makes a dollar i make him slime

When I die, I want my last words to be some harsh call that will haunt some poor bastard forever. Like, just say to the doctor "your shirt is terrible; one of us will have to go", then die.

bouncing on his everything

bram tokers “dankula”

bread aisle smell has me acting rambunctious

Breakfast in bed is literally a nightmare get all this shit off my blankets and sheets rn if there r crumbs I’ll beat you

breakfast? you gotta stop living in the stone ages. we call it meal 1

breaking a chicken tender open and scooping the meat out leaving a shell of breading

breaking news: the last surviving bostonian has been cleft in twain by a blade forged of pure philadelphium

BREAKING: the worst artist youve seen in your life wants 90 dollars for a full color drawing

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Bring back Comrade Mouse, and then let the rodent SHOOT HIM.

bring me your dead pet and i will make a sword out of it for $39

bringing back megafauna NOW

Bro I just came up with a term for eating nerds clusters at 12:30 am. its called Poisoning Yourself

Bro I remember the first time I went to the dentist they had me strapped down i was creaming for my life

Bro let me get a hit of that dandelion

bro pass the round rock we all like to pat

Bro stop with the fursuit youre shedding microplastics all over my fucking apartment

Bruce Campbell, his dad, and his body doubles on the set of Army of Darkness (1992)

brutal clit to clit combatode-on-a-grecian-butt

btw i can't find any rule 34 of Lewis and Gilbert from revenge of the nerds

& BTW you forgot to feed me + i died

buffalo stricken

Bugg Dooga strongest hunter of tree clan, caught taking many seashells from shaman cave. Instead of go in cage he throw rock at own head

bugs bunny injects estrogen and testosterone at the same time and shakes himself up and down like a cocktail

Bullshit, he says out loud. His mind is set. There is no turning back.

bumper sticker of a smiling man on an otherwise ruined ford

bumper sticker that says “dont blame me, i voted for the dog that can sing”

Bureaucracy: The State takes your doughnut away and then refuses to let you buy another doughnut because you already have one.

Burger aquired. Thought you should know.

BUSH, THAT WOULD DEFINITELY MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT I LOST ALL THIS TIME.

Bush: It's a jungle out there. Reporter: Are you getting frustrated with Gorbachev? B: Did you hear about Tarzan and Jane? R: No. B: Tarzan came down and said, "Jane, I'll have a double. On the rocks." She said, "Tarzan, you don't..." "I'll have another double on the rocks." He has a third drink. Jane says, "What's the matter, Tarzan." He says, "It's a jungle out there." Get it? R: Yeah. -- George H.W. Bush, at a golf-course news conference

But here's the million-dollar question: Would she have kittens, or lay eggs?

but more often I find it smells like caterpillars to be honest

But the game doesn’t show him ever tugging his nuts. Keep your fantasies to yourself please.

But then I've learned to expect that from Americans (SOULLESS BASTARDS)

buy my cackling skull

by disagreeing with me on this topic, you're aligning yourself with everyone else who disagrees with me, which includes the Chaos Death Cult, and they chaos kill people so....

By far the largest body in our inverted Earth is the moon; a bit over half a mile in diameter and some 3,933 miles over our heads. The sun's sphere is only eight feet across.

Is there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot? Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession Kk I am Mark Duval of Belgium, and I am an idiot ? Now what? Don't worry. It's done

C:\> dir CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n OKAY, FORMATTING C: no no no CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n OKAY, FORMATTING C:. PRESS ESC TO ABORT. esc esc esc! CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n OKAY, FORMATTING C: esc esc esc esc! YOU'VE HAD YOUR CHANCE SUCKER. WIPING F.A.T. esc esc esc esc!! TOO LATE NOW. HAHAHAHA FORMATTING... -- The Toxic Custard Workshop Files, Part Four, 1990

we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator ew. wait, you "caught" him? like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store? he doesnt answer *** Quits: calin (No route to host)

Call him Brap the Ripper

call him bubonic the way he plagues me

call me psycho i’m about to make a scene in this shower

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Calling any object I dislike debris regardless of size or purpose

calling in to work sick with a "weird dream"

Calm down guys he's only showing how he wants to be treated IN HELL!!

calmly shakes a turd out of pants leg at a wine tasting even

Best resignation letter ever: Dear Mr X, As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you......... You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation. However, I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad reference. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the company. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror n.de. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of reference. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the reference on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time! Wishing you a grand and glorious day'.

can feel the entire frozen pizza that i just ate almost immediately turning into poop

can i borrow 1 thousing dollers

can i crack open your ribcage and nestle inside it btw. as friensds

Can I hit or do I have to pay tribute to the rest of your polycule first

Can I please come over and look at all your stuff in your room

can i suck you off while you infodump?

Can the snakes on Medusa’s head eat, and if so, where does all their food go? Do their intestines all pass through her skull somewhere and connect to her human stomach? Maybe they just empty into her esophagus and every so often she has to cough up a dead mouse???

can you imagine if instead of anti abortion christians took the stance of it being good because it gives people in heaven new babies

can you lez the fuck in

can you please take care of me

can you stop acting like a gorilla getting fucked?

Can't believe how much work mushrooms put into indicating their poisonousness with bright colors and all the sudden here comes fruit trees like heyyy chordates look at our BRIGHT COLORS that means we're sooooo good mmm mmm colors yummyyyy teehee god I'd be so fucking pissed off if I were amanita right now

can't stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

can't talk. sharing images and words on the internet

CANADIAN LESSONS! Are you American and moving to Canada?

Capitalism: You buy a doughnut.

capsaicin should be a household word

Captain of the Titanic: Full speed ahead and Fuck the icebergs !!! Where is all this fucking water coming from !?!?

Captain, we've lost a toilet!!!

Arr. We have a Pirate Ship now. Yes captain. But we have no cannons. Arr! We need to loot something in order to get money for cannons. Arr! All hands on deck! Prepare to loot and plunder.... Canada! * FirstMateScurvy puts his hands on the deck What now cap'n? Not like that ya lilly livered land-lubber! We're gonna invade canada! Arr! Attack! * Captain_Cobungo and his forces loot and plunder Canada. Arr. Umm... Captain Cobungo, how did you loot and plunder canada with no weapons? What makes you think Canada has weapons? Arr.

[CaptHowdy] [~] $ touch /dev/genitalia [CaptHowdy] touch: /dev/genitalia: Permission denied

car in front of me at a red light had this bumper sticker and i flipped out

huh, a friend of mine pissed in his girlfriend's typewriter under similar circumstances :blink: drunk, needing to pee, didn't want to turn on the light, found the "bathroom" door, found the "toilet", opened the lid, pissed, couldn't find the flusher, went back to bed discovered the next morning he'd opened the wrong door, and found the typewriter, not the toilet, which explains the lack of flush lever and the *ding* when he finished all I could say when he told me the story was "Good thing it wasn't a Selectric"

“careful, he bites!”*pans down to immobile peanut on a leash*

*carnie voice* See the man who can only get it up to pictures of lola bunny

Carry my casket - m4w

Casey: Yeah, writing paper. Josh: want to be distracted? Josh: want to play a game? Casey: Dude...the paper... Josh: *scizzors beats paper * Josh: yes I know I misspelled it Josh: and that Casey: *pulls out rock* Josh: *VOLCANO! Josh: nothing beats volcano Casey: ASTEROID. Josh: MAGIC!!! Casey: BLACK HOLE! Josh: WHITE HOLE! Casey: PATRIOT ACT! Josh: not white house you phail Casey: No, no, no. *Nothing* beats the Patriot Act, although I'm sure the ACLU is working very hard on it. Josh: fine Josh: ANARCHY Casey: TOTALITARIAN STATE Josh: EMMANUEL GOLDSTEIN Casey: STALIN Josh: DEATH Casey: RELIGION Josh: RATIONAL THOUGHT Casey: FUNDIES Josh: NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES Casey: PEOPLE WITNESSING AT YOUR HOUSE Josh: SHOTGUN Casey: BOMBS Josh: PATRIOT ACT

"Casual Dress Friday" should be scrapped for something more effective such as "Brutal Child Labor Friday".

CAT LOVERS NOTE: I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DEMISE OF THIS ANIMAL!!

catagory 5 blankie event leaves 5 sleep and 13 rested

caterpillars are born when a clump of dust reaches critical mass

caterpillars have more muscles than humans but i'd like to see one try to fight me irl and see what happens

Catholicism: The priest blesses the doughnut and you mustn't chew it.

cats have been bothering humans since at least 2011

Cats meow out of angst: "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!"

Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea

caught this bad boss sucking on my doob,,hes wecome to it,,rock on,,,,;) any ideas why?

cause of birth: natural causes

[!CAUTION]! Otherwise, beast unleashed (aka go nuts).

cd has a hole. record has a hole. casette has 2 holes. streaming? zero holes. i think i’ve made my point

Certain graphics and writings throughout this site are copyrighted by C. M. Pauluh. These images or passages will be marked appropriately. Please do not steal my works outright and claim them as your own. If you would like to borrow something, please notify me and I will do my best to accomodate you - I promise. If you decide to borrow something of mine and alter it beyond all recognition, that is fine, but I MUST approve it before you use it. Just resizing or changing something to a different color does not mean the thing has been 'altered' - it has to be completely different from anything on this site. You MUST e-mail me so that I can approve it. Don't think I won't find out, because I will. I CAN and WILL take legal action, so don't be stupid.

Chair that looks like toaster

Change your accent every three seconds.

Chanman317: you gaggot

(chanting to self; walking around in public) dont get owned. dont get owned (body quickly separated into 500 pieces by metallic alien noise)

hmm... lets see what other horrible ways might one inflict pain and death on ones self. we've got ripping off your own face disembowlment by belly button. any other ideas? A simple one: be run over, feet first, by a very slow-moving steamroller. Blak: And then you sorta bounce back up and grab a compressed air tank and reinflate yourself and your false eyes pop out? Jarp: Well, only if you're a toon. Otherwise, you're pretty much fucked.

Windows 98: A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition.

cheese but with pop rocks

Chestnuts nipping at your nose

[Chicango Style!]

Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now call "children." The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association. Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significant clinical features of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features: 1. Congenital onset 2. Dwarfism 3. Emotional lability and immaturity 4. Knowledge deficits 5. Legume anorexia

every time you tell a lie, it makes the baby Jesus cry.. But Jesus isn't a baby any more He's a corpse OMG HE DIED?!?!?!!? My thoughts and prayors go out to the christ fammily.

I had something like that happen to me once. And vengeance is a plate best served cold. * Sectoid^Authopsy sits down for storytime I saw some asshole stealing my pack of cigarettes from my table while I was getting another beer. But of course, as I confronted him, he denied it flatly, and all the sudden four of his mates were getting ready for a fight and shit. So I decided to back down, and rather get one over him later. Of course, living in an army camp has it's advantages, such as easy access to ammo. o_0 So I took two Winner Tip cartridges, a little bit of tobacco, and quite a generous amount of gunpowder from a blank I 'obtained', topping it off with tobacco to get a proper look. Next weekend, I leave my pack containing two cigs rather indiscreetly at my table when I see this assholes is at the pub, and go to pick up another beer. When I come back, the pack has vanished. So I get hold of one of the bouncers, telling him that I saw someone carrying "what looked like fireworks around". Ten seconds later, there's some nasty fizzing, a lot of smoke and a huge fucking flame coming from one of the corner tables, and seconds later, the same thing happens in the hand of one of the guys sitting there. And at this point, it has to be mentioned that watching two bouncers pull a screaming guy with no eyebrows left, and a nasty burn up half his face out of a pub, 'accidentally' drop him down the stairs, and finally call the cops on him, does lead to a certain smugness. The morale is, don't you ever fucking touch my cigarettes. I can probably spare you one if you ask, but fucking ask first, okay?!

LOL! Worst mom evar! Coming from you, I'm tempted to ask if you got laid again... ^_^ I'll smack your ass later for that, but anyways I was hanging out with a friend today, and he had BB-gun with a cracked barrel. So he decides to fix it with epoxy, getting it functional before the seaguls arrive And in a futile attempt to get the glue to harden faster, he puts the damn gun in his mouth and starts blowing down the barrel. I'm starting to sense where this is going... Now his mother walks in with some laundry, takes a look at her son with a damn good replica of a 9mm Beretta stuck in his mouth And her only words were "Try not to make a mess, and don't get anything stuck in your throat." What a lovely relationship those two must have...

Cincrely, Bo Luke Hazzard County, USA DEAR BO MANY THANKS TO RETUNING MY E.MAIL SO QUICKLY.

tv rots the mind, destroys the imagination, promotes obsesity, and encourages commercialism. its the american way

citationless behavior

this guy is selling STEAKS door to door SWEET. he's hella pushy too. BUY MY STEAK! he's giving her his cellphone number he actually brought stake with him to show her LOOK AT MY STEAK! he's showing her each piece of meat now ahaha Door to Door Meat maybe he's propositioning her in some weird fetishy way this guy is a freak if i had answered the door he woulda been gone about 10 minutes ago who the hell does door-to-door at 8:30 who the fuck sells steak door to door good fucking question. this guy might be a nut

clap if you're a black hole of a person and have never been satisfied

I sell children to old women and they stuff them up their uterus oh my god

prostitution is illegal in the united states of america not in nevada were you conceived in nevada

clear plastic bag w/ skull mask and cryptic trinkets

Click hear if you want to produce a genetically perfect pig. NO CLONING!

"click here to verify the email address associated with your account" Why? So the trolls can murder me easier ??

CLOAK: Do you think they're plants? DAGGER: Lemme check my file of double and triple agents again...no, I don't think so. CLOAK: But maybe YOU are and, if so, then they are too. Right? DAGGER: Only if you haven't doubled and are trying to cross me up! CLOAK: Come to think of it, you always call in sick on May 1st... DAGGER: Sure, it's my mother's birthday. Lookit, how are we going to tell if any of these three guys is cool if all we do is argue about which of US might be a mole? CLOAK: Okay. Suppose you and I are straight arrows. Then Yurchenko got to us, right? That's not supposed to happen. Therefore, someone in the Company has doubled and threw him back into the sea. DAGGER: I can't believe he took off out of 'Au Pied du Cochon,' that's such a great place to eat. Who was escorting Yurchenko? CLOAK: Someone in Deep Cover. You know we're not supposed to operate here in the States. DAGGER: How do I know it wasn't you? You do local escorts to make Christmas money, don't you? CLOAK: No, it wasn't me. I was playing in the Company's tennis tournament. DAGGER: I didn't see you there! What flight were you in? CLOAK: Don't try to trip me up! I know for a fact you were NOT there because I wasn't either--I was assigned to follow you. DAGGER: Then you know I wasn't the escort. CLOAK: No I don't! I lost you on 'M' Street at rush hour. You drive like a madman-- madman! Where WERE you between then and no-- Oh, heck, we lost our tap.

clocking in for another day at the i dont wanna factory

<@cloudchild> if i wanted to drink the blood from a horned creature, i would've went after bob dole <@DarkDread> I just thought those were really large ears. <@cloudchild> nope horns. and he hides his tail well...but you can see his hoofed feet if the camera angle is right <@cloudchild> "I'm bob dole! i kill virgins and drink the blood of the pope!" <@DarkDread> what's so bad about that? <@cloudchild> nothin.

cmon man we were having such an awesome knife fight whyd you bring a gun

Cocaine was a stimulant used by a priestly caste of the middle period United States called businessmen in order to commune with The Market. [-]

cock reveal in 12,000 years

cognitive behavioral torture

i need a slogan for an abortion clinic ideas? "If he doesn't pull it out, we will."

come here so i can pinch you with my clamping beak

Come on, you can't have Christianity without hypocrisy.

COME TAKE THESE FAKE ASS TREES BEFORE I HURL THEM OFF MY BALCONY

comin' in hot" I scream as I run into a crowded bathroom and fart into a urinal

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.

I'm going to hell. I'm just a wicked person. I was on lunch with the trainees and a news story came on about the showing (funeral) of a man that drowned... and I turned to them and said "Wanna go see a dead body?"

... next you'll tell me that you shaved your pubes under the misdirection that i care <[U|C]SKS_Lover> eh... <[U|C]SKS_Lover> hey CoN, I shave my pubic hair under the misdirection that you care. oh thanks <[U|C]SKS_Lover> then I make socks out of it. ... thats weird <[U|C]SKS_Lover> human-wool socks <[U|C]SKS_Lover> >:D <[U|C]SKS_Lover> wanna know how I make apple juice? *** CoN has quit IRC

confession of a driving "incident" yesterday. god help me.

Confession: I would let Zigzag creampie me. I'm sorry

Confessions of a giggler most foul: I was born caked in shit. & I never touched my own ass hole until I was 20.

ok all females: 1) Get in fron of webcam 2) take off shirt 3) focus on boobies 4) *click* 5) /dccsend confuzion boobie.jpg 6) repeat process for bottom portion of body. *note* do not mix up steps please follow corect order. thank you.

CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE THE 1,000,000TH VISITOR TO MY PSYCIC ENERGY PRISON! CLICK HERE TO INSTANTLY DIE

Considerate, Understanding, Nice, Trustworthy!

Considering introducing a controlled burn to the prairies of my mind

That kinda gun brings out the raving gun loving American in us all. Over and under shotgun. Three throwing knives. The ability to hide. yeah, seriously. The_tick - Huh? That's all you need. And it's cheeeep. Rain: The bullets are embedded in cakes of propellant instead of casings. It was designed to overcome the problem of recoil pushing the barrel off target while firing in bursts Has an insane ROF while in 3-round burst mode, and no recoil until the third round has left the barrel Tick: That won't kill a velociraptor. On the other hand, I'd sleep with that thing if I had one. I base all gun purchases on "Will this kill a velociraptor?"

Cook and wait on her lover, the dyke.

incest is at least something the whole family can do.

COOL WIZARD STAFF EBAY WAS REAL AND IT TURNED MY DOG INTO A HORSE

cool wizards do drugs

Cool, you're reading our file. Now you must die. _I Bleed for This?_ is a Quality Product put out by two pathetic fucks from somewhere near Boston. It is not remotely cool in any way. It's just something we have to do, a way to pass the time until we die. We wish our lives could be more like a Mentos commercial, but in reality our lives are so dull we could be extras in a Morrissey video (except that we hate Morrissey). -- I Bleed For This? zine #1, 1994

corner (19:08:21): how tall is a standard guillotine? Andrick (19:08:33): This still concerns you? corner (19:08:39): yeah, I really want to build one corner (19:08:47): I have short ceilings corner (19:08:51): I wanna make sure I can keep it in my apt Andrick (19:09:00): I have to admit that I never have committed that number to memory. Andrick (19:09:06): But I can tell you they are *tall*. corner (19:09:15): maybe I can make a kid's version? Andrick (19:09:30): That is probably a wonderfully poor choice of words.

Costco was not conceived, financed and built just for you and your slow ass family.

cotton mouth is real and its deadly

count dracula? uhhh ok. one

cousins and coworkers are addicted to getting pregnant

*covered in mold, fused into the wall, coughing up spores* there is no greater honor than to assist in the proliferation of the mycelium network

Crack Her Barrel

crack the egg of sympathy and make the omelette of compassion

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

craig: I suddenly have the urge to rip someone's ear off... can you guess why? ted: uh... you've been possessed by vincent van gogh?

CRANK 16 pages of poorly-funded self-indulgence. Spreading my opinions like a Singapore whore spreads AIDS -- from the masthead of Crank zine, 1994

Crap-stravaganza (score up to 7 free craps!)

craping out a single sunflower seed and frowning while i inspect it

crashing this plane... with no survivors!

(crawling darkly) (screaming) (twisted) (crawling darkly)(screaming) (twisting) (crawling darkly) (screaming) (crawling) (twisting) (spitting) (creeping darkly) (tumbling) (crawling violently) (twisting) (convulsing) (roaring) (creeping) (growling sinisterly) (crawling) (splitting) (walking ashore) (twisting) (convulsing) (creeping) (walking twisted) (attack regardless of target)

crayfish would make for good wizardsprofessional-chaotic-dumbassur so fucking rightcreatures-5

Crazy (wander)lust: around the world in 80 days

Crazy lady at safeway checkstand yelling about candied yams - m4w

CREAMATED REMAINS FOUND IN STORAGE UNIT

Create your own DADA event! Print out these facts, get a bunch of friends together, and head for the nearest overpopulated area. Give each person a few pages, and then read them all out LOUD, simultaneously. The more people reading different things at once, the better. The effect is overwhelming; we've seen it work many times, and it's completely legal. It's even better if you're wearing "Save the Planet, Kill Yourself" T-shirts. Skull masks are nice, but be sure to cut a big enough hole for your mouth. -Rev. Chrissy -- Church of Euthanasia zine, "Fun Facts", 1994

creature from the black legume

CREATURES OF THE NIGHT: DESCEND UPON “KROGER’S”

If I were stranded on a desert isle, I think I would make a girl out of coconuts, but she'd probably just want to be friends

Oh, wow. Old school papers. This one was on 'alternative energy sources'. This is from near the end, when I was really too tired to be writing: "Wind energy is a method of collecting power from the blowing of the wind. Not only is this a clean and renewable energy source, but it can actually displace excess Carbon Dioxide in an area. Problems behind wind energy also exist. It is not available in many areas, and requires a lot of money to build. The wind turbines can also interfere with television and radio signals and cause noise pollution. Also, birds can fly into the rotors." "Then they have to send the janitor Steve out to clean the thing, and it just ruins his day. Then he goes home and beats his kids. So if you support wind energy, you support domestic violence." That's when you know you're tired. That is awesome.

crossfaded on milk and cookies

crossfaded on wisdom and understanding#crossfading on seeing and knowing

Crucifix dobro guitar played by Funky Jesus - $priceless

<|CS|Lothar> but it canadian money and we all know canadian money isnt worth the paper it's printed on Kinda like American treaties?

hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars ********* see! hunter2 doesnt look like stars to me ******* thats what I see oh, really? Absolutely you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2 haha, does that look funny to you? lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as ******* thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as ******* awesome! wait, how do you know my pw? er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw oh, ok.

so I waited until my friend bought a box of timbits and got back in the car (timbits being "donut holes" or whatever you yanks call them) and just as he was about to bit into one, I say "you ever notice how those look just like creamy shaved nuts?" so I now have a free box of timbits.

See, Zeir, FD is smart..He ops himself the moment he enters This way I can abuse the power faster That's the American way Damn right

CucArAchAChik: FUK IT ALL FUK THIS WORLD FUK EVERYTHING THAT u stand 4

*cuffed in the back of a cop car* you guys arent mad at me right

Cum left to dry on a female's face is an ancient practice. See it every day in Minneapolis.

CUM ON AND ON AND ON.BIG LOADS OF HOT JELLY BABIES ON YOUR FACE.YOU LOVE IT THOUGH.OH-CUMON LET ME SMACK YOUR FACE AND LIPS WITH MT CUM SOAKED COCK.

cursebearing hips

Cursed Coffee Mug - $6

Customers[1] were a breed of animal hunted to extinction.[2] They were renowned for being stupid as all fuck[3] and annoying the shit out of me[4].

Cut my sandwich diagonally? No thanks, I'm a boring idiot who sucks and is no fun to hang out with, I'll have it cut the stupid way please

Cute bitch sitting shotgun in my bad ass Lincloln - m4w

"Cutting Edge" humor that is too intelligent for anybody but the author and his coffeeshop friends to understand.

I LIKE BLOOD TRICKLING FROM MY PLANK SHAPED RECTUM THATS WHAT I LIKE CUZ IM A MERICAN FROM MERICA

Cyanobacteria 2 billion years ago emitted enough waste to permanently change the planet's atmospheric composition and wipe out almost all other life and now some baby ape species is like "look I'm just like you!!! are you watching??? grandpa are you watching?!?!?!"

ive been programming and using computers since my old days in the womb. umbilical ethernet how fast do you get on it? I'd imagine at least 1gigabit/s actually quite slow. network was flooded with protein and nutrient packets. LOL... "Daddy once DoSed my connection..." ok im ending it right there.

Cyborg in exchange for free rent!

D&D is NOT the reason I became a murderer

daily affirmations i am the unkillable faggot i can exist in grocery stores i have the shittiest music taste in any roomi have a gun

daily affirmations- make it stop-

DAMMIT I HATE IT WHEN MY CANNIBAL FEAST IS INTERRUPTED BY A HUGE BOULDER

DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT! that is when i hear my name spoken out loud.

damn this magnificent cock!

Damn! i want mintchimp icecreamo

Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors may be getting out of touch with "Real Americans." In order to combat this, he suggested that they read People magazine.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

"Nine people in total have had gene therapy at the Necker Hospital, and seven of them are doing well." The other two transformed into hideous demon-beasts and began slaying the hospital staff. And eating their brains.

I am from Texas. I do not consider myself an American. That's okay As we wish texas wasn't part of the US

Scoobi Doo == communist regime funded propaganda used to infiltrate capitalist pop-culture to instill a low rate change in american ideals, they always said they'd take us over without firing one gun

Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969.

Dare I assume you also flash small children in the playgournd during lunch?

*Dark clouds rolling in over the horizon* I feel an upset tummy coming on

Dark rooms make me feel vulnerable or secretive and I like that

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ANY OTHER GODS BEFORE ME. THE SECOND COMMANDMENT STAY OUT OF MY F****** BEER.

anyone want to hear a song i'm writing :) it's called "if girls bled cranberry juice" lol lets here it dark yeah i wanna hear please pleaes please ok keep in mind that it's metalish Ahem * Darkseid clears throat Darkseid that's alright if girls bled cranberry juice would you press and squeeze them dry would you hold their heads so sweetly til juice ran from their eye f juice ran from girls' ears would you have them for a snack. What if orange juice was dripping from her snatch I would Chorus I mean no one likes a glass of juice better than me... better than me... better than me... no one likes a glass of juice better than me... better than me me me.... Darkseid: That's really touching.

I was forced to attend a seminar on leadership. We were broken into small groups and each was asked to state what skills a good leader possesses. I wrote, "Needs to be good with elephants and crossing Alps." The others at my table were amused, but the seminar coordinator didn't get it. I said it was a reference to Hannibal, known for his leadership qualities. Her reply: "What leadership qualities? He was a cannibal, and anyway, it was lambs, not elephants."

day one after changing sheets: ok im gonna kick my bad habits i won't eat in bed or leave knives or scissors or lighters in bed I'll have only normal bed things in my bed and I'll change the sheets more often too day two after changing sheets: oh yeah this half eaten bundt cake is sleeping with me tonight

at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

DBBLKIX: MEATALLICA WAZ THA SHIT NOT NOW

dcont call the police but I smoket a little pepple in my pipe

(ddumb ass, squinting at the tv, struggling to comprehend "The Flintstones") why are they wearing those outfits

dead certainly., if my pit bulls could speak... they would say "please, please increase my power"

Dead leaves looking for a good home, MUST GO!!! (PICS)

Dead On Delivery - Go Easy (DODGE)

haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh What'd he say when he woke up this morning? uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you? holy fuck. i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now im fucking going back to the beach to make sure if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit. quit: (DeadMansHand) wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP) fucking ken ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you. oh fuck. if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything. quit: (PeteRepeat) rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach. i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: The fridge doesn't come with a pedigree!

Dear god I think i left my darling Littlespace passenger princess sleeping on their tummy Oh god i dont hear anything on the baby monitor. Jesus christ , God

Dear God of Bass Players

Dear Pigeons Eating Puke on the Sidewalk

DEAR THE POWERS THAT BE, I DEMAND A FULL REFUND OF MY MEMORY AND/OR SOCIAL AND/OR PHYSICAL INTERACTIONS THAT OCCURRED BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9:35pm APRIL 15th AND 2:05am APRIL 16th.

death by rice a roni

Death Chair

Death of the author + death of the reader + death of the editor + death of the publisher + death of the fandom + death of the text + death of everything. The only way to truly understand a piece of media is from the epicenter of an endless wave of death

Death Ray - Once in a lifetime opportunity!

Deathgore and gigglers unite

I got a GED I got 2 pts away from a perfect score I almost got one. Did you fail it? Are you a hillbilly? No. I got a real highschool diploma.

Definitely considering having a grey alien over for dinner

* deflux- has joined #bondage I've got ducttape, some pliers and watermelon. Let's do this thing.

someone asked me some ungodly complex question in an interview once it took him 5 minutes to explain it did you get it right? and then they looked at me and wanted a single part answer so i thought for a second and i said, "potatoe". i didn't get the job.

delete that old version of me in your head, it expired

Delicious meal recipe: 1 big ball of fresh mozzarella

Demon Gypsy Couch

deploying all our scientists to make the perfect burger

Desperately Seeking a Man with STINK BREATH

Desperately Seeking a Man with STINK BREATH - w4m

Despite the Europeans' primitive and haphazard seafaring, they were able to establish a handful of outposts on a continent previously unknown to them. By the reign of Gaozong, they had imported enough Europeans (as well as African captives from local wars) and been successful in their campaigns of banditry against the established local civilizations that they had coastal cities, their own warlords—and armies that were well versed in bandit tactics. July 4th marks the signing of the declaration of war. To this day, some places in North America set off fireworks as part of a ritual celebration that includes traditional songs and foods.

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

qwasz: im a rocket technician for the govt. i used to be a unix admin sure have alot of exp for being 21... pagan: i dropped outta school and started working fulltime when I was 17 then the .gov picked you up to work on rockets? my friend works for the company, he got me an interview and they saw your stunning education record, and hired you right? of course your full of shit, your a girl exactly

Dewitt B. Farting

DiamondbacksNo1Fan : Heh. DiamondbacksNo1Fan : Theoretically, the human brain could act as quite the processor. Eluorn : Theoretically. can_of_mtdew : yeah, but a processor can't act like a human brain DiamondbacksNo1Fan : We're talking in the terahertz range. Eluorn : You plug your brain into a computer then plug it into the wall, and try to run Unreal Tournament 2k3 Eldoran : Err I dunno... Eluorn : Blam. Instant South American dinner.

did any otherkin vote for Hillary Clinton

Did you enjoy your nap? We're waiting for you to come and visit us...

Did you feel your neck flush with carnal heat as I gazed at your lithe, patchouli-scented body?

did you have the dream i sent you?

died in the bubble war

dinosaurs had mp3 players but we dont see them in fossils because they were made of soft tissue

dinosaurs used to hurt eachother??

Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

DIRTY AIR Scientists are now saying that the air inside your home may be more polluted than the air outdoors. That doesn't surprise me. I've known it for a long time. Major causes of indoor pollution: TV sets, especially color TV sets. They're noisy and overbright most of the time. They attract another cause of pollution -- children. Children. Kids are a major pollutant in most American homes. Not only are they personally noisy, they're also messy eaters, sloppy dressers and sling toys all over the place with abandon. Cosmetics. They're so insubstantial, you can create a cosmetic dust storm just by breathing. Refrigerator magnets. Kitty litter. Refuse -- I mean garbage. Dust. Pilot light fumes. Little men in toilet bowls. Mildew. Rust. Junk mail. The list goes on and on. I think I'll join my son in the tent in the back yard.

discourse: Necromancy may be legal in Cyrodiil, but few will admit to practicing it now that the Mages Guild has banned it!normal guy: I don't know you, and I don't care to know you.

Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

Disgruntled American Seeks Canadian For Political Asylum, Maybe More

DISGUSTING but completely true story

"DISK FIGHT!!!"

Distribute condoms.

Do cool things with the lighting.

Do men, or women, consider a man with an undescended testicle unattractive, or a turn-off?

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.

DO NOT EAT THE GUM IN VINTAGE BASEBALL CARD PACKS

do not ever slander the beautiful goddess carbs around me

Do NOT find inner peace, join my blood cult instead

Do not go back into the ad and edit it to read "STUNNING PLAID SOFA WITH INLAID PLASTIC BRASS SOLD SOLD TODAY THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR INQUIRIES".

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

DO NOT RECREATE THIS PHOTO!!!! this dinner has been plated on a corelle dish from the 70s which contains upwards of 18,000 ppm of lead which is way above healthy levels. Eating skyrim is fine though you mfs eat credit cards anyways.

Do Not Send Me E Mails And All That Other E Shit

Do not torment roaches. They never sleep, you do.

do not try contacting me i have blocked you on my crystal ball

do you ever think about how if you dive into the ocean and go deeper and deeper you will pass through layers of darker and darker blue until everything is black and cold and the pressure will be so intense that it will kill you without protection but if you keep going you will find little glowing specks of light, and if you go up into the sky and go higher and higher you will pass through layers of darker and darker blue until everything is black and cold and the pressure will be so intense that it will kill you without protection but if you keep going you will find little glowing specks of light

Do you fucking need something

Do you have wombats in Mother Russia? -- reply to the kremvax April Fools post, Usenet, 1984

DO YOU KNOW WHY A DOG LICKS HIS BALLS ? BECAUSE HE CAN !

Do you remember where you were when Ronald Reagan was shot? Well, if not, you can have one GENUINE Trojan unlubricated condom, expiration date March 30, 1981 to help you keep the memory alive!

Do you think I can fit NO UGLY MISOGYNIST EVIL CLUELESS SMELLY NASTY CAVE-DWELLING STUPID THROWBACK MOTHERFUCKERS on one line or two?

Do you think printer repair could frustrate Marcus Aurelius out of stoicism

do you think whoever made the biohazard symbol was purposefully trying to create the coolest logo anyone would ever make

do you want the big bopper hamburger or hot dog style

do you want to play dead bodies with meneonfretra

> do you want to, say... shoot any? (mogel) some are annoying. (mogel) I guess I usually just answer their questions and ignore them. > commit murder, per se? maybe a little blood shed is what the #zine scene needs... would you say mogel? (mogel) death is good. (mogel) I like it. > WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT THE INNOCENTS THAT YOU SLAUGHTERED WHEN THEY SAID HOE WASN'T AS GOOD AS GASP YOU DIRTY BASTARD! (mogel) I want more of it. -- IDCIYRT zine, "interview with mogel"

Dodgeing the Suspicous

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

does anyone know how to talk to girls

does anyone want to play themes and motifs with me

Does it really make you a bootlicker or something if you think the Boston dynamics dog robot is cool. sorry if it does I promise I'm not

Does mold turn you on?

does something high-concept to you

DOES THE BENZADRINE ADDICT MUGGING THE OLD LADY ON THE NY SUBWAY BERATE HER WITH QUOTES FROM CHAUCER?

Does this look like a Dork to You??? Well if you answered Yes, Your right. I am.

Does this posting make my ass look big?

dog cremation urn

Dog Eaten By Bugs: My dog got eaten by bugs last night while i was out partying with my crazy friends

dog shit .com : Home of my Ass .

GUYS, STORY TIME So my teacher's friend's friend or something She was dogsitting one day Shows up the first time, finds the dog dead on the floor, right? how embarrassing SO she's gotta pack the dog corpse up and take it to the vet so they can dispose of it or whatever She can't find anything to fit it in, so she stuffs it in a freaking SUITCASE She didn't have a car so she has to take the train through Chicago oh mannnn This guy helps her carry the case on and is like "this is pretty heavy, what's in it?" lady replies "just some computer things" the guy SOCKS HER IN THE FACE AND RUNS OFF WITH THE CASE AHAHAHA HOW would you pawn that sort of thing???

Dogs are machines that turn normal toys into wet yucky toys

dogs love using their horizontal nature to stand in front of you

Dogs will be like: you want my wetttt toy?

doing petplay and gunplay at the same time im a horse with a broken leg and you have to just shoot me

Dolly Parton Pinball mahine

Don't drink and drive, you might spill it.

don't forget to leave cookies out for pritzker tonight

Don't forget we were all cum once. Think of the children! All that wasted cum wasted in this experiment could have populated a nation.

Don't fuck with "The New Girl"

Don't get even, get odd.

don't get me wrong I'm not weird but he is really fuckable

Don't order from Poop if you don't want Shit!!

don't worry its going to hurt a lot more later

Don't worry, your depravities are only known to me.

Don't, you'll fall off the horse and hurt your arm and look really stupidpjackkGo fck the holler of a creaky ol tree dumb fuck

"dont be afraid to let your body die" - debbie harry at the end of videodrome/me to my neighbors fat shithead son thru a hole in the fence

DONT BOTHER EMAILING ME CUZ I WONT GET IT, WELCOME TO IGNORESVILLE POPULATION: YOU, HOPE U LIKE TALKING TO A BLOCK LIST HAHAHAHAHA.

Dont drink and yiff dammit!

Dont forget to lick my G-spot!!!

Dont fucking fall for it. The patty melt is never worth it

dont pay mind of me. i am just a hound dogs old ass...

DONT STOP TILL U GET A NUT

dont talk to me or my clone or my shadow self or my reflection or my me ever again

DONT WASTE MY TIME IF YOU ARE A TAKER OR SELFISH!!!!ALSO DONT WASTE MY TIME IF YOU ARE UNSURE!!!

don’t forget to eat some food today!

don’t know what i’m smoking they call me mister doobieous

Don’t read this Fucking caption if your done squeemish or sexually repressed bitch. But i just have to say this. I have a daydream where two people are playing a game where they take turns shoving apples in my ass. The loser is whoever can’t get the last apple in. Pretty brutal, huh? Well, I’m insane.

dot com dot net forward slash dot org

download all killers to sticks of usb and let them loose like mice upon the land

download killing upload pain. instant thousand deaths to brain. motherboard on murder spree. blood computer victory.

downloads another pdf. downloads another pdf. downloads another pdf.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

he's an ex marine and i was drunk so i said, "alright marine, kill me with one touch!" holy shit. wrong thing to say and all the sudden i was in some weird hold having my shoulder ripped apart and then i fell on the ground laughing/crying did it break?? he looked at his hands and went, "oh my god! the demons of the american military have shone through and i am hopeless!! HOPELESS"

dracula addiction

dracula flow (employed): this shift aint nothin to me

You know, what we need is a room of all american chatters. Since people are always quiet on IRC anyways, we can call it "American Idle" :p

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Dragons will be made available in PDF form

WaL-_-MarT: I used to know how to do an overhead page in your store cool, drdink.. actually what you do is you take walmart's employee phone off the pole and go get a portable phone from the electronics department and plug it in to the pole and you can walk around the store and they can't catch you just don't leave, or its stealing

dream job is pair of eyeballs that fly around and look at shit

Gargamale: a girl that posts on the local goth forum used to think lol meant lots of love, and got a rather rude awakening after someone's mother died - "how was the funeral? lol" haha LOL

dreams and wishes slammed back down into the ground. i guess this will only ever be a project for me, and im silly to have ambitions beyond.

I am going to create a Nicotine Golem. I will call him son and he will call me father and we will bond. At night, I will lick him. I WANT A CIGARETTE. That is all.

dreamy sigh followed by agonized sobbing

Dress all in black, or in camo.

Drift into a deep ocean of sleep, and emerge from that sleep hornier than ever before

drink my concoction boy

driving down the highway at 30mph laying on the horn protecting myself with a shield of Noise

Don't trust the xbox 360 * Brandalf85 goes forward in time and gets 5 Xbox 360s It's like those creatures in Chronicles of Riddick You turn it on and all of a sudden "Your soul is miiiine" You know what, next thing you know rob, the xbox makes you call your friend with a needle to your neck and you're like "Hey, Brandalf.. Would you like to come over and--- DONT COME BRANDALF! I mean. Brandalf, please come over and initiate in gameplay of the xbox 360" LOL haha i probably dont live anywhere near Rob :) Then Brandalf comes over and he opens the door and it's like Dreamcatcher with the red except it's wires and blood and the door slams shut behind him and all of a sudden, a needle sticks into his neck xbox 360 needs no memory card or hard drive either you know why? It saves to your brain .... =0 haha the horror You're like "Oh... hey... Happy childhood memories.. NO! DONT SAVE THERE!"

Drool in the collection plate.

"Drugs are a source of essential nutrients."

drugs before piss,, things might go amiss

revenge is sweet revenge is a dish best served cold ergo; revenge is ice cream peanut butter is good, boobies are good, therefore boobies are peanut butter i like your twisted logic there i like boobies.

Dude our beam attacks are clashing can u stop

Dude thank you! You're doing a great service to the brainless community

dude the cops are outside we're gonna have to flush the pee

Dude those hungry chicks over there are totally imagining us as big talking ham hocks

dude why is the big dog on your tee hanging from a noose? no caption either, what gives? there's usually a funny joke. bummer.

During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago.

DURING THE TEST DRIVE, HE WAS APPARENTLY NAUSEATED BY THE SMELL AND VOMITED A LITTLE IN THE CAR.

During the White House Easter Egg Roll of 1991, Quayle signed autographs using only his finger. He had prepared pre-signed cards which his aides handed out while he made signing gestures. This allowed him to move briskly and efficiently through the crowd, said his spokesman.

dyke up or die

E roc 2001455212: matallica kicks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eat a frensh froop and vagable please

eat a meal or become a meal!!!!!

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

EAT HIS INSIDES YOU ARE ABLE TO EAT IT

Eat one burger and suddenly your whole body temp drops to digest the damn thing

Eat up with the dumbass.

eating 4 slices of leftover pizza undoes exactly 1 shower

eating a bullet call that kirkish delight

*eats a whole hurger* yommy

*Eats blistering hot piece of lasagna with two hands like a hamburger*

a commercial for the fonz toaster would rock they'd show him in a toaster and he'd be like EEEEEEEYYYYY and then they'd turn it on and the coils would heat up and he'd be like EEEYYAAAAARRRRRGHHhhhhhhh and his flesh would burn off

ECJL91988: HEY WHO LIKE MATALLICA

Edit: If this is because of some government shit list PLEASE JUST STOP RIGHT THERE! This isn't how America works! THIS KIND OF BULL CRAP IS HOW ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS THAT ONCE FLURSHED FELL!!! These very same practices. Evolution is BS we keep making the same stupid choices and societies keep on failing.

Editor killed herself. Back to the drawing board...

What does A.B.C.D.E.F. stand for? Time's up! The answer is American Boys Club for the Defense of Errol Flynn

El Diablo loves blood! So does the rest.

elder scrolls oblivion is straight camp

OMG OMG OMG I just had an idea ok, cats land on their feet, right? right toast lands peanut butter sde down, right? right right now, what if I tape a piece of toast peanut butter side up to a cat's back and drop it ??? uhhhm the cat will cancel out the toast thing, cats beat toast anyday uhh, no yep I think I get some sort of physics defying contradiction conundrum and the cat will hover It's almost too simple to take over the world with this type of device...

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

elvis died because it wasnt getting enough fiber3000s

Elvis girlies do you ever feel sickeningly connected to and obsessed with E? Just as I get over the sad parts of being an Elvis fan, he's all I think about and listen to and watch and talk about and I cant stop. I cry and laugh and love his music and movies and home videos and interviews but I can never get enough and it hits me hard and all of a sudden im breathless and yearning for a better life for a man I never even met #elvis#elvis fic#elvis x reader#elvis presley#elvis the king#elvis fanfiction

*Emails you my spore*

(*)Embers(*): should i ask jonny this--- (*)Embers(*): ok so i know we haven't known each other for long and I really shouldn't be asking you for this..... but I want it so bad don't get me wrong it's just that I haven't had it for a long time I could already feel it going in so hard and coming out so soft and wet. No one has to know about this, I'm desperate, but your help can be very grateful!!! (*)Embers(*): you must think I have a lot of nerve asking you for this but I can feel my tongue around it sucking all the juice out until there no more left, this has been on my mind all day long and I hope I'm not being forward but.... can I have a piece of gum? Sarah: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(emotionlessly) tacos is spanish for "food"

Emperor Nero: Where's all that fucking smoke coming from ??

Emperor of Earth and protector of the Moon, Exalted Omnipotentate of Nothing in Particular, Australian representative, Australia Doesn't Exist Society.

Endless Pastabilities

Engage in some serious swapping.

Enter my disco fueled smoke and fuck shed

entering the polycule not as a conqueror, but a liberator

hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

They told me I am the chosen child of destiny and my mission is to mate with all the women of the world to populate it with magical beasts of power

i went into the D&D store cuz they had old capcom arcade booths for sale, and my girlfriend followed me in. All the guys were sitting at a table playing D&D, and this one long haired dude got up out of his seat, strode up to my gf, bowed and said "May I help you my lady?" I don't know, man. That's pretty smooth. What was his charisma? 17? 18?

Because If sdib f FUCK I just fell out of my chair

Heeey, Lyrai Hypotheeetical queestion for you If you geeeet seemen on thee keeyboard, wwould it breeak it? (Sorry, my "E" keey is sticky)

Etymology fun fact: this is where the term “loony” comes from.

hey guys, guess what im eating right now! big black cocks dripping with pearly semen. starts with a 3 three big black cocks dripping with pearly semen.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

even the sperms look like there's something mentally wrong with them.

Ever fuck a freak before. I've fucked freaks.

ever since I was 5 years old I've wanted to be found dead lying face down in a creek

every $30 purchase is like a razor sharp arrow stuck firmly in my muscular wearwolf back

every bad thing in the entire world is due to the dark sorcerer if we just kill the dark sorcerer i bet everything will be amazing something amazing will happen

every bone in her body is a FIBula

Every couple of months I tell my coworkers how I out ran the highway patrol once. Really. No lie.

every day i thank God for making it illegal for cops to kill and beat me

every day I thank god for mexicans

every day is a celebration if you celebrate belly friday

every day millions of fish r violently wripped from the ocean by birdkind and as they die they exoerience such transcendent altitudes their brains level up like crazy

Every morning I come here, despite the lemon-soaked spiked chains lashed to my wrists, despite the colobus monkey I’ve trained to regularly savage my genitals if it senses I’m even thinking of clicking my mouse. Some days I hold out longer than others, but eventually I end up here, weeping and soaked in coffee, condemning myself for not having the fortitude of a person of higher character.

every mortal kombat fan punches the shit out of their pillow

every one i know with magic powers is saying something really good or really bad is going to happen within the next 500 years

Every slick, stepped-on turdsmear along Bank Street reminds me of you.

every time i post lightning strikes my castle

every time i try to check whats inside eggs stupid goop comes out

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

Everybody can refer to alive people but “every body” implies dead people

Everybody pregnant omg. Pull outtt. swallowww. do something. this is preposterous

everybody say thank you Marcus Aurelius

everybody was normal fighting~ *non-racist riff*

everybody’s brave till the enemy wizard summons Pipe Bomb Cloud

Everyday I kill myself

everyday some part of my body is always hurting. i think i was evil in my last life

EVERYOBODY GET DOWN HES TAKING A CREATIVE LIBERTY

everyone cover your necks lol

Everyone envies me for my shrimp lighter

everyone in the 80s was like fuck ending this song

Everyone is bloomscrolling in my beautiful internet garden

Everyone is bloomscrolling in my beautiful internet garden

Everyone knows what a grape is

everyone riding the train today got 250 xp after a level 32 dracula wandered onto the tracks

everyones gotta stop reblogging this bro they're gonna find it and get so mad they try to strangle me again

everything can be sorted on a sliding scale of punk (good) to fascist (bad). these are the only two ends of the scale it's possible to have. if something is good (for example, public libraries,) it cannot merely be Good, it is only possible that it be punk and THEN be good as a symptom of punk. but if you can't swing it to convincingly argue that public libraries are punk, then, well, I'm sorry, but the only option left is that libraries are in fact fascist.

everything is available but nothing feels profound. thousands of fascinating things in front of us but none of it transforms. when was the last time your phone gave you goosebumps? i have a growing sense that being moved and orienting towards the sublime requires the very thing we're designing modern life to remove: friction

Everything on this website is disgusting, even all the posts telling people how disgusting it is...including mine. I'm ashamed to have commented on this page. Foreshame.

Everything used to be 20 dollars and now that I finally have 20 dollars everything is now 200 dollars

evil great lakeslake inferiorlake normal lake offtariolake hurtonlake michigan

evil jesus turns water into white claw

evil therapist: to ground yourself, look around, name 5 things you can kill, and 4 things you can at least maim

evil wizard voice: i too have a “doom scroll”

I see. dude stop with the punctuation Why? because its like putting a rainbow cowboy sticker on your car bumper

: Best suicide plan ever : what is it? : you go up to the top of a roof : string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level : tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched : then you put super glue on your hands : and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head : then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows : when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere. : And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE. : i dont think i can be your friend anymore

a couple of morman missionarys came to my door this morning hehehe\ whatd you do? mum had a cows heart out for the cats dinner i took it to the door and took a huge bite of it really? yep it tasted horrible it was raw and bloody they called me a heritec and ran soooo fast^_^ i was pissing my self laughing all day it was like the best thing ive ever done to a morman

@evilwizard are you in that?

eww stop shitting this out of your asshole this is worse than stds

Examples: I WANNA GET MY CUDDLE ON I'D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW YOUR BEST FRIENDS ENYA IS AWESOME Remember that time Geraldo did that live special where he was supposed to unearth Jimmy Hoffa?

Excuse me heroin addicted teenage Walmart employee can you unlock the cabinet full of things to put up my ass please

Exhaust whistle freaks: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

this dude I know was sleeping with this girl, and she had really long hair. so he gets up in the middle of the night to take a crap, and he finishes his business, but when he stands up, he feels a tug--turns out his turd is attached to his rectum via a long hair. he had to hobble over to the sink to get scissors what okay im confused f48u10n7: that's happened to me before see, he must have swallowed some of her hair in the night i've pulled one of my ex's long hair outta my ass before haha oh my i'm glad I only sleep with bald chicks <`Benny`> that's the most disgusting thing I've heard in a long time and I'm in here a fair amount of time god like outta yer asshole nimh? f48u10n7 lol :) right out i felt it as i tugged it out i even called her over to take a look at it i was like, "cait, this is your fault." she was like, "what, EWWEWWEWE!" and ran away screaming yikes anyway, my point was, that's kinda like spidey shooting webs from his ass

Fake a possession.

'fandom' you mean playing with toys. with mental toys

Fap setting on the microwave

Fart, and have a friend shout: Hark! An angel has spoken!

Farting loud as fuck in the stalls during an active shooter situation

farts so loud cops outside cars headlights turn on

fascinating......

fat bugs *lunges at you*

Fatality.. Goon Lao, wins

Faux Fuck Buddy Needed

FECES PUFFS FECES PUFFS

Feeling highly lustful on this night and, a little bit gluttonous !

feeling lost in your 20s is NOT normal. you fucked up bad

Felix the Cat: huzzah i can continue to suck cocks mr peabody: you read the bible a lot mr peabody: for being a heathen who is going to hell Felix the Cat: all i know is apparently the bible says swallow, don't spit Felix the Cat: A+ advice imo

we're gonna start a band called "rsync", right? OH BABY YOUR FILES ARE CHANGING BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I CAN'T KEEP UP, SO I'M REARRANGING AND TRYING CVSUP, BUT IT'S JUST NO GOOD. SO I SIT DOWN AND THINK.... THEN YOU COME THROUGH FOR ME AND GIVE ME RSYNC

female alien seeks earthling male for experiment

man, I LOVE Sigue Sigue Sputnik so MUCH!!!! they're almost as good as Catholic Discipline then why don't you marry it cause I want to marry you, Mack ewh <[enki]> I think you had that one coming, Mack. <[enki]> Besides, I told you he'd get the wrong impression if you sent him those chocolates. * Fiction makes moon eyes at mack * [enki] shakes his head. <[enki]> I knew this would happen. * Fiction writes bad poetry about his love for mack * [enki] preps the firehose. * Fiction buys a harley and a tshirt that says: "if you can read this, Mack fell off" on the back someday I'll buy you a cubic-zirconium ring and we can move to a trailer in Rock Springs Wyoming we'll be so happy! <[enki]> And you'll drive a 78 Camaro to work. YEAH! only "work" is hanging out at the local high school selling crank to teenagers SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH someone is going to die and mack can learn how to make casseroles with potato chips in them <[enki]> And get denim fringe jackets. and we'll drink coors I hate you guys cheer up, I'll get some real wood panelling to put up in our trailer or at least I'll tell you it's real and we'll live on food stamps but have 300 channels of DirectTV I hate you all c'mon baby, you're hot with a capital HO! <[enki]> LOL *** MaCk has quit IRC

Fig.1 Typical Love Maneuver

fighting is like a game of chess. each blow yiou land on your opponents head is like a chess piece (Knight, bishop, etc) and then he dies .

Film Noir fart sounds

After American Idol, they came out with The Sims : Superstar After this Harry Potter crap got popular, they came out with Makin' Magic lol What if next year we get a bunch of WW2 movies? The Sims : Hailin' Hitler

FINALLY 65% WILL COME TO MYSELF AND FAMILY AND A GOOD PART OF THIS SHALL BE DIRECTED TOWARDS EXECUTING HIS WILL, WHICH IS TO BUY SHARES AND STOCK IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES AND TO SECURE HIS CHILDREN'S FUTURE.

Finally one day the voices stopped, they eyes didn't move, the mouth didn't move, and the demon was expelled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY, WHEN YOU DO ALL YOUR POSTS IN CAPS AND THEY ARE ALL RIGHT NEXT TO, OR NEAR EACH OTHER, DO YOU THINK NO ONE IS NOTICING?

FINALLY- The Ultimate Solution to Pooping in Public Restrooms

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

FIND YOUR OWN BATHROOM OR SHOWER, THERE IS A BURGER KING ON THE CORNER, AND A BODY SHOP 3 BLOCKS AWAY.

Fingering the seeds out of this jalapeño was so erotic i need to go beat off

Mario and Luigi are just too "goody goody" with each other. I'd wonder what kind of "plumbing" they do As I never see them with the tools

Time for my prayers: Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck! May all 0ur base someday be belong to you! May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven. Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe. And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us. Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it. For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

first person to log into a computer was probably killed by a megabyte! rest in peace!

first phase is hallucinatory second phase is glandular third phase is

first rule of gun safety is put it in my mouth

first rule of parasite infection is to have fun and be yourself

FIRST+LAST + SECURITY DEPOSIT REQUIRED LOOKING FOR SOMEONE VERY LONG TERM -2-3 YEARS There are about 4 of these ‘squares’ in my apartment, Will go FAST, REPLY ASAP, to MOVE IN ASAP! post id: 31620844

fish dont talk dumb ass

fish should drink air just like i drink water we should get them a cup of air to drink before bed

fish want me women want me i'm worms

Fishing can be a source of great memories or profound emotional trauma.

Five feet tall and five feet wide. Perfectly spherical.

Fix It Again, Tony (FIAT)

Fix Or Repair Daily (FORD)

Fixed Gear Death Trap

Flaritter: "hit it" is an american term DrSpaZZo: Yes Flaritter: for examples: "I'd like to hit that" DrSpaZZo: Brits must have their own thing Flaritter: AND SO FORTH DrSpaZZo: Like Flaritter: ? DrSpaZZo: 'I'd dip my crumpet in her tea'

Are you in the mood for some gaming? Uh huh. Cause I should be finished in a reasonable amount of time. So you have more or less two options. A) You leave me an IP address, and I join you later. B) You simply wait for my return, at which point game specifics are worked out, and we commence. C) I find a game, don't tell you the IP, and we never hook up. D) I hunt you down and kill you. E) Ow. F) Somehow we manage to accomplish all of the above. G) Not likely, but ok. H) I know, but it was an idea. I) pick B) J) I have to scroll up, please hold. K) L)OL M)an this is getting old. N)o kidding.

flicking so much pollen onto my smartphone i want butterflies to land on the touchscreen and swipe me to their secret webpages

The American dream is to move to Canada.

Flirting with death every time I take a bite..... thrilling for a guy like me

float like a butterfly (nervously forgets end of quote) green like a pea

floats along your dash face down and quiet and cold

FLOOR LAVA PROTECTION! (Couch)

Florida sperm rodeos were banned today

Flying saucers are the most important fact of the century and you are not interested?

fog of war in the grocery store

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

food so good i went into the kitchen and ate the fucking chef

for decades i have traversed the unforgiving mountains and rivers of south america, hoping to catch a glimpse of the fabled "ass downloader"

FOR HIRE: Desperate, unskilled, useless intellectual

For Sale: One Dead Horse

For the Crazy Middle-Aged Office Lady

for the record i flashed my spread vulva to you because i wanted to make you smile, not for any depraved or allosexual reason.

For the typical American SUV driver

For Trade: Insane Roommate for Peace & Quiet

for years i've put up with the piss lobbyists and their laughable attempts to silence me. i will not use th bathroom again until theyre dead

foraging for a fuckberry to give

Forced into a great and difficult transformation

*forgets that you kissed my forehead*

forklift who trusts you very much leading you to her nest where a newborn pallet jack is waiting and squealing and squeaking for milk and she is showing you this because she trusts ands loves you so much

FORM AL1040 Alchoholic tax return For year Jan.1 to Dec.30,1988 Filing status: __divorced __divorced twice __getting divorced __impotent AA residency status __street __de-tox __local mission 1. Money found 2. Money borrowed(not returned) 3. Money stolen 4. Estimated value of drinks bought for you 5. Have someone add lines 1 through 4 for you and enter total on line 5. This is your average income. 6. Money acctually worked for 7. Have someone subtract line 6 from line 5 and enter difference on line 7, if 6 is greater than 5 start over YOU GOOFED! This is your avg. taxable income. EXEMPTIONS 8. Monies recieved from Welfare, Misc. Charities, Barbetting, Handouts, etc. 9. Monies lost due to holes in pockets 10. Monies payed out for Hangover medication (Real medication not hair of the dog) BUMMER, that's taxable too. You'd better have another drink bud. WHAT YOU OWE!!!! This is the measally amount that we will add on to your back taxes since you've already drank it anyway. Now go take your frustrations out on your loved ones, or (since noone probably loves you) a total stranger will suffice. Then go have a drink on us, We've already had a few on you. See you at the audit.

FOUND - Horse Poop

XIRWW. XJEE. * harm reports foz to dept of anti american activities * Fozie reports harm to the zoo, ourangutang enclosure i got owned yet again :( ok this is it its razorblade time for me * harm has quit IRC * harm has joined #Proghouse wtf goddamn mach3 protective bars haha you suck at the suicide

frankly i am trying to create a hostile environment

Frantically clicking the cancel button

Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. The owner told Fred: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can." Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year, but was the most dangerous guy anyone had ever heard of. Fred forgot all about it, until one day a cowboy came riding through town yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" Everybody immediately jumped on their horses and took off. Except Fred, who wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So Fred put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited. Soon a huge, mean-looking guy rode down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo, jumped off, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed "Wait here til I get back!" He had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes, which he tied to a post and kicked, hollering "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" Into the bar he stormed, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here -- Mad Martin's coming!"

FREE -- ROBOT that makes Rice

Free 17' Canoe ** NOT seaworthy**

FREE : appox. 3000 lbs. of rotting cheese (please read)

FREE BALLSACK/TEEBAG!!!!

Free Broken Time Machine

free coffin (Dixie Highway)

Free dead (?) frozen wasps & hives (WASPSICLES!!)

Free dead (?) frozen wasps & hives (WASPSICLES!!)

Free dead piano. With impeccable karma.

Free Death Ray parts

Free Giant Cardboard Dinosaur

Free Jar of Live Worms with Pics!!

Free semi chewed up chair

FREE STUFF! They call it "Eviciton" But We Prefer "Moving Really Fast"

Free stupid organ!

free them (they're just plastic ants, don't worry)

FREE TO A GOOD HOME

free to good home: cursed domain name

Free Washing Machine: (BEWARE: IT MAKES PEOPLE DIE)

Free Washing Machine: (BEWARE: IT MAKES PEOPLE DIE)

Free Wood/My Soul

Free, currently unused Urn

FREE: Triple anti-biotic ointment for the scabby-faced ratbastard who

friend who went to bed is a type of dead wife

friendly reminder that the new number between 5 and 6 is called Derf

<`Frieza> dont you get it! I have a giant Brain that is capable of reduceing anything down to a yes or no question. LOL `Frieza I don't think that's how it's supposed to work watch What is the meaning of life? <`Frieza> yes elaborate <`Frieza> no fair enough.

Friyay... Starts Now.

from a toke to a toot.

From now on, anyone who uses the phrase "won the internet" is automatically disqualified from the internet.

from predator urine to fly dope & everything in between!

From Rhode Island: Birthplace of Mr. Potato-head... it's ASTRAL AVENUE Number 1 November 1986 "Eff the ineffable!" Astral Avenue is an actual Providence street located not far from our home. Short, tree-lined, unprepossessing, it and its inhabitants have never yet exhibited any overt trace of Kozmic Konsciousness. And yet... light fractures strangely there on a summer's day; mailmen have been seen to enter and SKIP SOME HOUSES; LOVECRAFT NEVER WALKED ON IT; and there are STRAY DOGS ROAMING FREE. We wonder.... -- Astral Avenue zine #1, 1986

From then on I was The kid that shat on Hugo the Hornet.

Fuck "Mr. Right Now" of Bookcases ...

Fuck Continental coffee and the fucking coffee klatch that takes up the whole fucking sidewalk with their tangle of fucking mongrel dogs and overloaded SUV fucking style mega-strollers.

Fuck it! ...I'm lowering my standards, you should too!

fuck man all six of my spider legs are killing me....

fuck this *closes the lid of my coffin*

Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, shit!!!!!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCK

FUCKING BIRDS, I SHOULD HAVE SHOVED THEM OFF MY WINDOW SINCE DAY ONE.

Fuckity fuck, fuck, FUCK.

fully acknowledge there were too many froyo places in 2012 but they didn't ALL need to close

Fun fact, if you were to take all the blood out of your body and put it in a bathtub, you’d die

funeral doom fan reacting to their bike getting stolen: ............................................................................................. HEY............................................................................... STOP!.......

Hey I have a question for your mother Sure thing, let me get her! Ask her how many Communion wafers you'd have to eat to consume a whole Jesus

I think the puppet on the left supports my views. No, I think the puppet on the right supports my views the best. Hey, they're both held by the same man! GO BACK TO SLEEP AMERICA, YOUR GOVERNMENT IS IN CONTROL WE NEED TO REVOLT Trust me, you Americans are revolting enough

(funky Dildo not included)

fuuuck I could use a mysterious benefactor right now

Fuuuck we left the back door open last night andthe whole kitchen got out

Fuuuuck dude I got drunk last night and tried to take down the villain on my own and now he’s texting me some ‘I’m the only one allowed to defeat you’ shit bro what do I

FuzzGod5: The next time someone asks me to write a java program that runs over a network connection, I'm going to print out an entire ream of paper with "try/catch" blocks, crush their heads with it, then jump on their corpse and shout "WRYYYYYYYYYYYY!" triumphantly.

FWEE DWINKS, FWEE DWINKS, FWEE DWINKS, FWEE DWINKS, FWEE DWINKS!

gallops off into the sunset laughing at yo bitch ass

BlackDeth: have you ever tasted your own jizz? no or anybody elses jizz for that matter i've shot jizz in my eye but i wasn't aiming so i dont feel as bad sure you werent no i mean there was somebody else at the controls did he apologize

Gear Grinder X: once, we had these total freak seventh day advenist (or whatever) freak ass neighbors Gear Grinder X: and this girl Lanna was a little younger than me Gear Grinder X: she was a bitch, and they were all totally religious Gear Grinder X: she threw rocks at me once on my bike, and so I turned around, and went to run over here Gear Grinder X: I was hauling ASS, and you know what she did? Gear Grinder X: put her hands on her hips, and stood there and said "The lord will protect me" Gear Grinder X: well.... he didn't

Gee, I thought that every time Russia tried to buy a VAX, customs came along and filled the boxes with concrete. -- reply to the kremvax April Fools post, Usenet, 1984

General Custer: Where the fuck did all those Indians come from!?!?!?

gently and lovingly drags you over broken glass

*genuine cry for help but with 'lmfao' added to the end for some reason*

*genuinely absorbed zero information* got it

George: Maybe Joe DiMaggio disagrees with you. Barbara: What's that mean? Marilyn Monroe? George: I think - Marilyn Monroe - maybe has the same high regard. Barbara: Well that's nice. -- George and Barbara Bush, in conversation

: Walmart is selling Linux boxes now. : Onward and upward. : Once you get them in the Walmart's, Cosco's, and K-Mart's, world domination is near. <3hreeD> : yeah george but there's only so much you can do with those linux boxes : Yeah, like run the net.

Get drunk and be somebody else.

Get in here and fuck my dark portal

Get More Chicks (GMC)

GET PAID TO CRY - MAKE UP TO "$4.98" A DAY SOBBING ON WEBCAM -MAIL US TEARS FOR вonυѕвυх®- ABJECT HUMAN MISERY IS THE LIFEBLOOD - DIE A HERO

Get ready to be gurgled

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

gets dragon insurance for my car in case a dragon fucks my car

gets was removed from our [C library] a couple days ago. -- Bill Cheswick, AT&T Bell Labs Research, quoted in "A Tour of the Worm", 1988

*getting a tarot reading* the tower, a-another tower, and... a plane

-getting all cozy in bed- good night dust mites good night house centipedes good night silverfish good night spiders

*getting blown into a big balloon* hm?

getting high so i can more fully imagine early transitional amphibians

getting my cudgel autographed by a law officer

Getting paid to use Craigslist? Hell yes.

(getting REALLY mad) NOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S ONLY LEAFCUTTER ANTS!!!!!! ONLY LEAFCUTTER ANTS DO THAT!!!!!!!! AND THEIR FUNGUS ONLY EATS LEEAAVES!!!!!

getting rocks thrown at you until you die is just part of the process. you can walk it off

getting unzipped has to feel so good for the compressed file

I wanna make a movie called "I Rock Your Mom" and make it a story about a child who has to triumph over constipation and an erectile disfunction. ahh.. an autobiography

Gimme another motherfucking quarter. What about my motherfucking pudding, motherfucker?!

girl whatever, at least we aren’t pregnant

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do

girls love having their little digital archives

GIVE GOOD BACK RUBS, SOMETIME MIGHT CRACK RIB BUT NOTHING THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPALE IN BUBBLE BATH NO FIX.

give me hoops or give me a death: a girlie's date during march madness

Give me ur phone

Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

Glass of water on a spit, roasting over a bonfire for hours

Heh. You people don't want to hear how one of my ex-bosses performed a mercy killing on a family's cat at their request. Yes we do I actually think it's quite funny. come on!! Mercy killings! tell us o.O; O.O He was visiting a cousin's family, they lived out on in the country. While he was there, they told them about their cat that was really old, and had gotten quite sick. The vet had told them they should have it put to sleep. But they just couldn't do it... they started to drive it the 20 miles to the vet a couple times but never got very far. So when he was talking to their dad, he said he could take care of it. He had his pistol in his truck. So that evening he finds the cat and takes it out back of the house. (Don't read this, sensative viewers! ) So he's out there with his 357, looking down at the cat, who really /was/ in horrible shape. So he's about to shoot the cat when... Something came over him. He stuck his foot under the cat and kicked it into the air... and shot it midair. The 357 blew the poor critter to bits. Then he turns around and sees... The ENTIRE FAMILY staring at him through the picture window. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 best story ever

america is the only country where people live in trailers.

gnome greening out on a pea

Gnoming - getting laid by a short man.

go back to sleep puppy *holds chlorophyll over your face*eategg24

Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker.

Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English

Go well on your purpose.

so i had a checkup at the doctor a couple months ago i waited in the goddamn lobby for like 2 hours i was just starting to doze off when they called me back into one of the exam rooms so i sit on this chair for like 30 more mins, and then fall asleep i wake up and have no idea what time it is or how long i've been waiting so 20 minutes later after I finished reading the Hispanic Business Weekly I start diggin through the drawers in the exam table and his desk drawer i find some hypos and don't touch them, some dressing gowns, and then i get to the drawer marked "OB/GYN" i open it up, take a peeky-peek inside, and what do I see? Speculums and rectal dilators. At this point I'm in his desk rolly-chair with about 40 rubber gloves in my pockets for later use so I grab a speculum in each hand and start making them sing and talk like little ducks i was rooting around for a sharpie and couldn't find one so i put them down and did my glove-trick i stretched a rubber glove over my head and blew it up then i grabbbed the speculums and started spinning around in his chair glove inflated on my head the size of two basketballs speculum in each hand spinning in his office chair i hear footsteps and as i'm extending my legs to slow down, the door opens the doctor is standing there with my chart in his hand omg i stopped spinning and just sat there, looking at him through the thin film of the glove he was like "Corey.....?" I said "Yep." held up the speculums. said, "I got bored." and he was like "That's quite a trick with those gloves. Where did you learn that?" I said "Many doctor's offices in many states." He was like "You want to take some with you?" as I got up I pulled the wad out of my pocket and said "Already did." then I walked out and i heard him laughing like a goddamn maniac as soon as the door was closed then the other day i go in again rofl and he just hands me a brand new unopened box of 100 gloves i was gonna ask for some speculums just to fuck with him but I was afraid he'd give me some

GOD (NOT ALLAH, BUDDHA, ZUES, SHIVA, OR ATHIESTS) BLESS AMERICA!!!!

God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers and I'm dodging the draft

god I love a good corn on it’s cob

god if there was a book of forbidden spells I wouldn’t even hesitate

God remember when we were in Chicago and you saw me go "mmmm I think I will get the burger" about 5 times and you were like "god you're such an American!! kill yourself!"

God's favorite instrument is the human nervous system

GodSmackI5: hey god how about you shut be foe i find you and cut your balls off ok

Godzilla is one of the most arousing monsters ever spawned by human imagination.

Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

Going to napdonalds and ordering the sleepy meal

going to nowhere and ordering a nothing burger

Going to Target, anyone need anything nicer than what you'd buy at Walmart but not as nice as you'd hoped to afford at this stage in life?

gonna drink water i find in hollow trees and see if that gives me magic

GONNA WIN THIS RACE SANG ELVIS AS HE STUFFED HIS FACE EATING DONUTS AS HE FELL OF THE TOILET...LETS GO PILEHUNTING!.JOHNSON!

Good morning, what the fuck was I cooking in here

goodbye august you piece of shit

Googles how to tie a noose

gooodbyee 200 dollars helloo piece of pleastic

I've got cats, they like to puke (always on the fucking carpet, no matter what). While this bothers me, it at one time was tolerable when one kitty would puke the other would run in and eat it. I liked that system, I'd cheer them on, let them know that they where good kitties, pet them while they ate each others puke, and what not. I even had it down to a perfect science where I'd reduce catfood to insure total puke clean WTF? Do they expect me to eat it? Cause I'm not some bottomless pit, they puke a lot and I doubt I could keep up with that. sorry for the flood :) heh You can tell someone needs to get out of the house and interact with humans when... ...they're cheering for puke eating kittens?

got a job at the cigarette farm where we raise baby cigarettes from our farm to your mouth. baby cigarettes drinking from mother cigar's teat drinking the smoke milk. images of marlboro fawns prancing and splashin in the stream. goorgle show me a picture of boobs and convert to .wav format

got hole on my mind like I’m JFK

got me and my wifes anniverseary mixed up with 9/11 again. in my defense the numbers are kind o f close together. "Im sorry Toots"

got pulled over by an anti-intellectual pig (police officer) on my way home from work for thinking and driving. luckily i was able to reason his gun out of his holster and debunk him twice in the skull at point-blank range before driving away safe and sound

Grabbing my belly and going ohhh im so full in the middle of your vows

grabs a sword Alright, time to save my two favorite furry girls....LEEROOOOOOYYYYY JENKIIIINNNNNSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

Grace personified. I leap into the window. I meant to do that.

Let's say you have an ax. The kind that you could use, in a pinch, to hack a man's head off... And let's say that very situation comes up and for some very solid reasons you behead a man. On the follow-through, though, the handle of the ax snaps in half in a spray of splinters. So the next day you take it to the ax store down the block and get a new handle, fabricating a story for the guy behind the counter and explaining away the reddish dark stains as barbeque sauce. Now, that next spring you find in your garage a creature that looks like a cross-bred badger and anaconda. A badgerconda. And so you grab your trusty ax and chop off one of the beast's heads, but in the process the blade of the ax strikes the concrete floor and shatters. This means another trip to McMillan & Son's Ax Mart. As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year. He's also got a new head attached and it's wearing that unique expression of "you're the man who killed me last Spring" resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life. You brandish your ax. He takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams, "that's the same ax that slayed me!" ...Is he right?

Grasping for breath Nybar runs onto screen, yelling, "BLOODY MURDER! DAMN CIA! OH HOW I HATE YOU BILL!!" [...] There is alot of cursing and screaming from offstage, then you hear Nybar yelling.. "NOW I HAVE THE GUN!!! HOW YA LIKE THIS YA FRAGGAMUFFIN?!?!" (alot of gunshots, screams in agony.) Nybar walks onstage very bloody, and he is holding something behind his back. He holds up the arm of one of thos recently departed, shakes it around in front of him and says, "HELLO EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO POUPY!!! THIS IS JUST A JOKE!!! NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!! I DIDN'T REALLY JUST KILL ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE!! OH NOOOOO." -- from the intro to POUPEY zine #1

gravity is widely known to be a purple element

Grease me up and put me in some metal pipes. Watch me slide around until I get stuck and die

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY ITS ALL GONE TO SHIT

Great, now we can have 24 hour video tapes of the operators eating Chinese takeout on the CPU.

Great. He's just set evolution back about 14 years.

Greatest mac 'n cheese EVA

"green day." she said in her bimbo-ish tone of voice. "oh. ok. uhm.. what song?" i asked again. "uh.. green day." she replied. it looked to me like her head was about to explode from thinking too hard. "i know that. but what song? they have a lot of them, you know." i was just pushing it now. i could tell she was really thinking about it. i was afraid the sprinkler system was going to go off if she though about it any harder. "you know. green day.. by that group, basket case." -- from "the plot to kill good music" by black francis, rEd/pEz zine, 1994

Greenday2262: I'll bet Gandalf got SOOO high. Greenday2262: That fool can blow smoke-ships ffs! SunuvaChod: hahaha Greenday2262: I mean if Gandalf wanted to blaze with you, you would blaze right? SunuvaChod: if gandalf wanted to blaze with me SunuvaChod: id already be so fucked in the head that blazing wouldnt fuckin matter SunuvaChod: so yes i would

Greens and slimeys former river perssson, iss looking for his preciousss. ..must like fish, freshly killed rabbit, gold things and dank caves. Must not LIE to us, precious,must not HURTS us. Nasty hobbitses only

greetings from my giant dick!!

greyfox80988: The average American spends 6 years in the bathroom, and 6 months at a stoplight. greyfox80988: I want to know who figures this stuff out o_o greyfox80988: Cause that's what I'm gonna be when I grow up ^_ ^

Grinnin'...like a cat eating shit out of a hairbrush.

Gripping the hot male-meat, he looks up, and shakes his head. Foxes! Then slides the length between his lips, sucking on it softly - To keep it from getting Cold of course.

Grocery Shopping in the Seventh Ring of Hell

grow the FUCK up, stop reading imaginary baby fiction stoaries like your Ulysses and Dustoyeveskes, pull on your big girl panties and educate yourself with some Anarcho-socialist theory video essays on youtube, learn what the heck a dialectic is and then maybe-- and i honestly shouldn't have to educate you on this-- maybe then you'll understand why my stepbrother/stepsister erotic RP blogs have NOTHING to do with my principles as a family abolitionist.

“grow up” no. i cast wizard beam

Grumpy bear is just grumpy and not feeling it... He doesn't actively have a grudge against you. Okay? Pissed at You Bear is actively pissed off at you for something YOU did. He's a different bear. His belly badge is a screenshot of your text conversation with him.

Gruntilda is nice from her head to her feet. However, that ass is what I want to eat.

guards rub his belly

Guess ill go pick seeds and little pieces of bird shit off of my windshield and eat them huh

GUESS WHAT TEXAS ISNT ALL THAT BAD,THOSE BONEY WOMEN THAT SEEM TO ALWAYS ATTRACT THE ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO,USUALLY SMELL LIKE PHEW,BEEN AROUND ALOT,AND GENERALLY HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE,THERE PELVIS BONE GETS IN THE WAY AND CAN DO SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE TO A GUY LIKE ME,WHOM LOVES TO BEAR DOWN,AND GET TO SOME HARD F-N,AND DONT FORGET TO FIGURE IN THE EQUATION,THAT WHEN THEY GET OLD AND WRINKLING,WHEN THEY FALL DOWN,THEY USUALLY BREAK THERE HIPS,THOUGH YOUR COMMENTS WERE TAKEN WITHIN HUMOR,THE FACT REMAINS,A HEALTHY WOMEN IS PERFERRED AMONG MOST MEN,I KNOW THATS FOR SURE,.GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR HEALTHY PLUMP WOMEN,WELL WELCOME THEM IN THE PALMETTO STATE,OF SC.SEE YA LADIES.........

Gun wizard, but they have no offensive spells whatsoever and they’re just going around shooting buffs and heals at their allies. At no point do they use the gun as an actual gun.

Guns, no matter how powerful, or no matter where aimed, will do nothing more than char flesh, blow away feathers, or rearrange beaks.

Guy in the pit just said “forgive me master” I gotta get the fuck out

Guy in the pit just said “forgive me master” I gotta get the fuck out

Guy taking his pet ball lightning onto the subway

guy who does buddhism slightly wrong and ends up in nevada after he dies

guy who doesnt understand the concept of restaurants: i wanna go to arbys house

guy who i paid to shoot slim jims into my mouth with a crossbow is really dropping the ball tonight

guy who joins people on their cigarette break and just starts blowing bubbles

Guy whose about to figure out eating 50,000,000 bananas is a lethal dose of radiation: mm im so full from 49,999,999 bananas but one more

guys raised by fly's

guys who jack off think theyre the "Main character" of real life. No, youre just an imbecial .

it began with the forging of the great servers three were given to the geeks, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings seven to teh jock-lords, great football players and craftsmen of the locker halls and nine, nine servers were given to the race of men whom above all else desired PRON within the servers was a power that could govern each class but they were all of them deceived for another server was made stile, the deceiver, forged in secret a master server to control all others one server to rule them all one by one the people of the servers fell to the great power of the master server but there were some who resisted a great alliance of geeks and jocks marched against the fanboys of stile and on the slopes of blogwars they fought for the freedom of good, and only good pron AAAHHH FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP victory was near but the master server could not be stopped the dark lord stile killed brunot son of brunob and as luck should so have it brunob cut the wiring of the master server stile the enemy of good, decent pron of the earth was wanked out of existence

ha ha gues what we have moved our files about this is to prevent the governments of the world from interupting or tranmitions to you the suporters of the brainsucking aliens

ha ha this my psychological hell. I love it here!

ha.....haaa...hahahah!!!! Myyyyyy... THIS!!!! [THUNDER CLAP]*LIGHTING CRACKLING* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAA!!!!!!!

”hack his site and fry his computer.”

<+HackerDragon>: uhmmm yeah I had some lube and "other objects" wrapped up in a towel under my bed. My mom decided that she was going to be nice and do my laundry for me today cause she is home sick. Yeah I just looked under my bed and the lube with objects is there but no towel...

had a dream that I met a wizard and we fell in love and became unhealthily attached to each other so we decided to meld into one single creature together but the process was horrifically slow and painful and most of the dream was us lying in bed holding hands while lesions opened up in our skin and seeped out blue and green fluid and the wizard said “this is going to take a very very long time” and I said “that's ok”

Haggle.

haha i like you. I’ll be growing on you like moss now if that’s alright

haha yay! *starts making sugars*

Hamburger Jesus only here in the USA

hamburns/cheeseburrips

*handcuffs us together* friendship bracelet!!

handler.: germans like american wrestlers nos-spec: yeah cause american wrestlers look like german girls

hanging from the meat hook all by yourself, handsome?

*hangs a bunch of salami above the tub* Look up, it's a meatier shower

*hangs their by the neck with only his own flesh to rott away with his soul* Re: one rope , one room *walks in from the shadows and slices the rope with her sword* I wont let you die!! ^+^ **Where are you~my soul is bleeding~I am searching~am I blind~All alone and bound forever~trapped inside me for all time..**~*KoRn** ^+^ +Bloodrelease~give in to your fantasies~Bloodsin belong to desire~Bloodsic~immortal love+ Re: one rope , one room but why im nothing but an infection Re: one rope , one room *slices her wirsts open with the sword, lets it flow, eyes roll back, moans with estacy*

Happy Birthday to Mumia Abu Jamal, Paul Ryder and David J - and a belated birthday to Abbie Hoffman, Alabama Sturgeon and Adolf Hitler. May none of you ever be forgotten. Even the yucky ones. -- ATI zine, "prime anarchist" column, April 1999

happy pride month

guess what! i actually found jeans of length 30-34! you wear 30-34's? whats ur height and weight? 6'3", 150lbs youre 6'3" and you weigh 150lbs? i thought you said you were american

HaRd2KiLL007: ANMD THGEN MY FRIENDS WONDER WHY I WANNA KILL PEOPLE

Harmless “hunters”, who probably own large collections of firearms (being that it is a gun rights forum), are threatening to hack my website, vandalize my car, and end my life.

Has a worm ever gotten struck by lightningfaery-berry-blast

has abyone ever cussed you out lol

Has anybody seen my pet Weather Balloon she didn't come home last night and her food bowl is still full.

has anyone seen my pet bacteriophage its name is styrofoam and its about [hand touching the floor] this tall

HAST4U420: ever heard obiyuary?

hatred for bugs has ended. we are entering the era of Bug Love

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

have to keep it chained up now or it'll go right for my throat

Have you ever seen 'Alligator II'? I was the third guy who got killed by the alligator.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

Haven't watched in a while, though, so it's possible my memory is sucking cocks.

having a pet is insane... there is a guy on my floor

having a ton of germs over for a party

having some sort of heaving dribbling beast over for lunch

he breasted wizardly down the dungeon halls…

*he chuckles a bit and continues to rub at his member. He slowly nods a bit* I know we gryphons are friendly. We are normally trying to be kind to your kind, naturally and ended up in wars with your kind.

he definitely fucks but there's no way he fucks normal

he didn't pop wood, he popped toast!

He explained sadly, "I really warn't mad at mopeds but to keep from runnin' over that'n, I'da had to slow down or change lanes!"

He ha why its a home movey

He has unseen enemies that plauge his existance.

he inhaled the entire hot air load that i let roar out of my pants... I was louder though, laughing so fucking hard at his coughing and gagging that i almost lost the granddaddy, the origin of the fart, the poop.

he INTERNET was practically FOUNDED ON CHILD ABDUCTION!

He is spamming scum. Send him nothing.

He replied "Who do I look like Mr Singer!!!" [...] he replied "Who do I look like Mr Hoover!!" [...] The man replied "what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied "Who do I look like BETTY CROCKER!!"

He sat down, like he had dropped from the ceiling - all in one movement.

He scoffs, and she says, 'no, it's true.' [...] Well, she leans over his way -he's now a little nervous- and says a few words into his ear, and sure enough, he turns into a motel parking lot. -- a hitchhiking witch, in a joke about a skeptical driver

He smoking out a waterslide wit ppl still inside

he sucks though.

He was beaten and punished by the ogre

He was broken and damaged by the ogre

He was damaged and harmed by the ogre

He was hurt and broken by the ogre

He was in a K-hole, a K-grave.

He was injured and hurt by the ogre

He was pummelled and tormented by the ogre

He was punished and pummelled by the ogre

he was the first american to put dog poop on the moon

He was tormented and injured by the ogre

He was tortured and beaten by the ogre

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

he's a physchopath he doesn't understand emphthy!

He's all crouched over me. He's cutting that baby over me! It's all over me. He's rubbing it all over me! Oh, God, there's stuff all over me.

He's gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He'd rather have A buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He'd rather eat The rotten asshole Of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He's the Angry Video Game Nerd When you turn on your TV Make sure it's tuned to Channel 3 He's got a nerdy shirt And a pocket pouch Although I've never seen him write anything down He's got a Power Glove And a filthy mouth Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He's the Angry Video Game Nerd He plays the worst games of all time Horrible abominations of mankind They make him so mad he could spit Or say Cowabunga… Cowa-fucking piece of dog shit! They rip you off and don't care one bit But this Nerd, he doesn't forget it Why can't a turtle swim? Why can't I land a plane? They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck The characters' names are wrong Why is that password so long? Why don't the weapons do anything? He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words He's the angriest, most pissed-off gaming nerd He's the Angry Atari Amiga CD-i ColecoVision Intellivision Sega Neo Geo TurboGrafx-16 Odyssey 3DO Commodore Nintendo… Nerd He's the Angry… Video Game… Nerd

He's just trying to warn her of the giant cock floating above her.

He's so stupid, how could he have missed that?" BITCH, I AM RIGHT FUCKING HERE AND I HEAR YOU!!!

he's the holiest gamer youve ever heard

"He-Man is more powerful than Jesus Christ!"

* " HE. WILL. BURN .IN. HE'LL ETERNAL FIRES WHERE THE WORM NEVER DIES***

Headbanger504: no but i heard ovituary

HEALTH WARNING! The ink from any printed paper could be harmful to your lungs if smoked. Therefore, smoking joints rolled with any kind of paper, be it newsprint, glossy magazine paper, or Gideon Bible pages is not a great idea. Any negative effects of the ink will be compounded with repeated exposure, so don't make it your personal goal to smoke the entire Bible. It is also possible that the ink would not be harmful, but this is unlikely and I have no way of determining whether or not it is.

Heart fingering. Someone should've done this to Sam. Under the cut due to it being an actual heart Other images too Keep reading

Heartbreaking: person has a great point but uses delusional as an insult in their post

Heavy metal does more than dissolve the inherent inhibitions against violence. It actively fosters, configures, anneals, reinforces, and purifies the most vicious and depraved tendencies within the human organism. That was the Nazi secret. Violence must become mythological in order to be political. The lead time is a little less than a generation. In that respect, heavy metal is a laboratory experiment that has a lot to do with an emergent politics. It is a psychological refinery for the manufacture of real monsters.

Height of irritation: hanging from a cliff with an ant on your balls.

Height of pain: sliding on a blade using your balls as brakes.

Height of revenge: a bastard working in a condom factory, making holes.

HELL CAT NEEDS HOME

Hell On Earth, TX

Hella So-Cal people hella trip off of the word 'hella', its hella insane how much they care.

hello august you piece of shit

hello my name is Very tiny flying insect i see you've got an uncovered beverage outdoors. Can i fall into it and kill myself please please please please please please please please please please

Hello Texan followers. I am with you right now

Hello, 911, I found a chalice in my child's room.

Hello, Monday! ...now go fuck yourself.

Hello, my name is The biggest, fattest, yuckiest fly you have ever seen.I NEED to sit on you and tickle you with my little legs. I NEED to be really loud and annoying. I NEED to sit on your body instead of literally anything else in your room. I NEED to put my yucky tongue on any food or drink you're having. And I'm big and fat, and yucky too.

HELLO, SALARIES!

hello, this is the most dumbest site i have ever been to please take it off the internet thank you.

omg, i was about to walk into class today but it wasn't until right before i opened the door that i realized i wasn't wearing pants, but i didn't go home i went ahead and dealt with it and lo and behold, there was a test in that class that i hadn't studied for at all. so i jumped out the window and right when i hit the ground my cell phone went off yipes yeh and that's how it all started how was your day

HELP I'M FUCKIN TRAPPED IN A TIME RECURSION

Help I'm trapped in a fuckin time recursion

Help in trapped in a fuckin time recursion!

HELP ive been traumatized for life

HELP!!! LOBSTERS ARE SCARING US!!!!

HELP!!! LOBSTERS ARE SCARING US!!!!

HELP!!! -we've become CL Casual Encounters addicts!

Help, I'm stuck inside this UNIX box!

Help.......oh god...somone....help

Her cheeks were flushed red, like Cartman's coat. Her eyes, a striking blue, like Cartman's beanie.

her eyes were the sickly green of the sky before a tornado, and to his horror he discovered she could throw cows around just as easily

HER: [tearing off clothes] YOU TOTAL HUNK OF A MAN, TAKE ME NOW!!!!

her: don't worry it's chill he doesn't even careblood spider, telepathically: you should touch her ears and lower back she's really sensitive there

here are some more really good neoboards screenshotshellyesbro

Here doggy. I, Gonad the Equestrian will help you...

here i come!!!!!! shlap shlap shlap

Here is the gist of a message I got: I'm sorry. -- Andy Sudduth, in an anonymous posting to the TCP-IP list on behalf of the author of the Internet worm, 11/3/88

Here lies the Body of Edward Hyde. We laid him here because he died.

here's the problem with fruit: it's inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what's the same every time? doritos

miss pearl my love for you is like diherrea what i just cant hold it in omg ahhhhhhhhh that would alomst be elite thats the sweetest thing ive ever heard if i didnt have to do with poop haha madpunk, even stevie wonder could see the beauty in you i have a few more i dont want to know, im going back to sleep you have over 200 bones in your body... want another? lets play army, ill lay on the ground and you can blow the hell out of me

hes an ass eater from WAY back

hes in golf ball heaven

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

hey all you alien enthusiest , im 13 and I think I was abducted on my 12th b-day because I keep having areoccuring dream that an alien is grabbing my arm and i kick it he grab it's body and lift it over my head and jackhammer it ( jackhameer is a wrestling my that goldberg uses , you put their neck on your shoulders and then twist your b ody so when you land your elbow is jammed into their stomach ) and i have like 5 scars where the alien fought back on my knee, my forhad, my neck, my arm, and my fingers i think it bit me cuz i have abnormal bite marks

Hey any drumers out there who wanna join my band e-mail me if you do

hey asshole! you lifted up the rock and now I have to scuttle! motherfucker!

hey can we talk? i really didnt wanna bring this up, but... yeah. its just, youve been really pregnant lately, badly; and not only has your egg sac been protruding and distended but in the last few days it's even been writhing and pulsating as your grubs awaken within, and its honestly just super distracting and overstimulating, especially in the workplace. i hate to say it but your obscene gravidity has been really disruptive. and im not the only one who feels that way.

Hey do you wanna hear my playlist it's called Unrelenting Bullshit and it goes on for hours and hours and hours

hey don't cry. almost 400,000 species of beetles

"Hey dude, can you lend me 5 cents?"

hey girl i mean any pronouns

hey guys whats going on in h [sees the flayed corpse of god] ohhhh fuck. oh shit

Hey let's start a podcast!! **CLOTHES DETERIORATE + GAIN LAYER OF FILTH SUPERFAST LIKE NAZI IN INDIANA JONES MOVIE** Wow!!! Terrible plan

hey man I'm the torturer [shaking your hand and detecting apprehension] that just means it's my job to torture people [visibly uncomfortable] there are lots of people like me

hey man it's me. your old friend. qing dynasty portrayal of the mexican flag.

hey man looks like you’re enjoying your high. off topic but have you thought about hell lately and what it would be like to be there forever and ever and ever and

hey man sorry i can't come tonight i downloaded the conscious thought of a pigeon in 1996 eating a french fry at a gas station in minnesota. i got a new perspective emulator it's going to be sick. yeah i just added the sense memory plug-in. i can't wait to learn what a french fry tastes like.

Hey man, it’s the bank. I gotta charge you $500 cause I really want it.

hey me and my partner saw you from across the bar we want to kill and eat you

Hey remember that thing you did in the fifth grade?

"Hey society? Can we please NOT try to push a shit fetish on the next generation? That would really be appreciated. Like, all these shit based products and games are giving me a huge concern at this point that this is all some sick fuck's plan to indoctrinate a bunch of shit fetishists"

Hey therapist, you wanna invade Carthage with me?

Hey you bastard! *starts cartwheeling towards you*

hey you kind of set off my prey drive. wanna get out of here ? you first

hey, hey breathe. this is entirely your fault.

HEY, HOWS IT GOIN? IM ANDY EVANS AND THIS IS MY PAGE. TONS OF HUGZ AND MIDDLEFINGERS TO ALL THE METALLIBANGERS OUT THERE. TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO DONT LIKE METALLICA......WHAT THE HELL ARE YA DOIN ON MY PAGE.....FAGS!!!

hey, sorry for the late reply, i allowed your message to pass through my mind like a sparkling-scaled trout in a clear mountain stream

hey.. two people were asking about you… so i gave them your address and phone number… their names were Skeletal Warrior and Skeletal Ice Mage

HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA

Hhuuuuuuuuaaaaaaghhhhh

hi Canadians

hi guys. I'm evil.

"hi im heathcliff. i live in the garbage and commit crimes and only eat bones"

hi waiter could I get the spaghetti I promise I’ll behave this time

hi! aaaaaaaa *im bit by 1,000 animals and die* *1,000 vultures eat my remains* *1,000 trees grow from my bones, forming a forest with 1,000 bugs and 1,000 birds*

Hi, its me. The warmest creature in the world. I love you. Im the warmest creature in the world and I love you so much and I need to be in your lap right now. Yes, I know about the heat wave. That's okay though because I was already the warmest creature in the world so I don't mind. I love you and you need to let me sleep in your lap right now. I'm soooo warm and I love you sooo much. If you say no you'll be saying no to a thing that love you. Let me sleep in your lap. When I fall asleep I get warmer. I love you

Hi, most annoying person you've ever encountered here. I noticed this post you wrote in 3 seconds doesn't line up with every experience I've ever had. This is extremely harmful to me, the main character of the universe.

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of fire and brimstone, throw it in.

High chance we are in the evil dimension, guys.

High Tech Martyr

his big beautiful balls bounced ballsackfully down the stairs

his sad eyes and fat cock have captivated me

His suit was loose and it looked as though he had slept in it for three days.

Hisashi Saito, 1980

hm.. mustve been a windburger

Hmm, a dead body. [takes a slow drag off of cigarette] Looks like the Dead Body Killer is at it again.

Hmm. Whatever *deactivates your baptism with my mind*

hmm... *gets in evil bed and holds my evil stuffed animal* evil night.. *turns off my fucked up evil lamp*

hey dude... are your ears burning? no Ah... damn... I need to tweak my voodoo doll then. Feeling any groin pain? heh no hrm.... How about a scratchy throat? something simple.. nope bah... the Book of E-Vile said this would work... i disabled remote access in controll panel hrm.... that might be it. ya gotta be secure hrm... lemme try something else... ::invokes the mighty god Hastur:: HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR! Anything now? hmmm... i read uf nope you missing your eternal soul? * Dude checks it sez under properties it was never installed bah Now I have Hastur sitting in my living room demanding an eternal soul... and I'm fresh out.. nice knowing ya

*holds your hand while i give you head*

holy fuck twin boo boo horn attack instant fatality

holy shit im going to go nuclear

HOLY SHIT THAT GUY ALMOST SPLATTERED MY UNINSURED BRAINS ALL OVER HOUSTON STREET!

HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GIANT LOG IN ONE OF THE TOILETS!!!!

Holy Shrimp! This Scampi Happening!

HolyViper7: im confused as to how i'm still allowed to breathe the same oxygen as other human beings. i just bought some tic tacs, and most of em are gone... and you know how some tic tacs get like, stuck? well, see, i didnt wanna make too much noise so i put the tic tac container in my lap and i hit the container. it was then i realized i had testicles. it was quite painful

Homer Simpson, march simpson Bert sipson, Lisa simpsom and Maggot sinspon. From my favorit Tv show The Simpson

HOP OFF MY DICKKKK!!! wait get back on i miss you

hot dog on pizza

hot dog water is cloudy due to the millions of tiny hot dog larva

Hot dog water is the exact opposite of holy water in that you can add a single drop of it to any amount of pure water and it will make the entire thing unpurewumblr

Hot girls = bad bad bad bad

hotboxing my entire wizard tower

HOTBOY4LlFE: ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN DOWNLOAD THE NEW MATALLICA SONG IN REAL AUDIO?

How about a Wizard Staff that is actually a big magical stick bug familiarwizardgoblin

how am I supposed to make fried rice if the wok left

how come there are no furcons in ohio? i feel like im the only fur here and it makes me sad.....isnt there anyone who would help me have one in ohio? anyone furson at all? i dont want to be the only kitty here....*sniffles and mews*

how come we drive on the parkway and i got beat up at safeway

How come when i havent eaten in a while i start to feel hungry

HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY GIVE SUCH A GIFT!?!?!

how could you forget

"How dare you interrupt the Feast of the Beast!"

How do you kill a robot dog? #58427C

how do you say arbys we have the meats in japanese

How far can a dog run into the woods? ONLY HALF-WAY THEN HE'S RUNNING OUT OF THE WOODS

How fleeting are all human passions compared with the massive continuity of ducks.

How happy God will be and how happy all the saved will be, knowing that billions and billions of his children, of their fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, wives, and children are convicts in the eternal dungeons, and that the words of pardon will never be spoken! -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Christmas Sermon", 1891

how it feels to be anything at all

How it feels to eat trillions of ants in 30 minutes

How it feels to eat trillions of ants in 30 minutes -- @hiafrhiafr

How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac? It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite wave-like nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit experiment of 1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract, but produce interference patterns as well. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in the equation: d(chicken) * dt >= b (where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl * seconds) Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with chickens, kites, and thunderstorms. It is important to note that we now know that there is no such thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be treated individually.

HOW MUCH IS $500 IN DOG YEARS

HOW NOT TO BE BORING 1) Don't use statistics or facts. In conversation, the goal is to make a point, not to sound like a World Almanac. 2) Don't be crude or gross. If you are telling someone about the best lay you've ever had, don't say, "This chick was riding me like Secretariat's jockey." Instead, simply say "that time in the back room of the toy store was the best, most memorable bout of intercourse I have ever experienced." 3) Don't over-emphasize. Never assume your conversational companion is as big a fan of the Minutemen as you are. 4) Do not use exaggerated motions. People who flail their arms around hysterically, trying to make a point, usually lose their audience within a few minutes.

How Surface Texture Affects Bloodstain Patterns

how the human brain works: electricity tickles the meat so that different slimes come out. sometimes the slime feels good sometimes bad. some people make more bad slime than good slime. that’s called clinical depression.

How to become normal under 48 hours

How to Detox 1) have a function liver and kidneys 2) congrats you're done

How to piss off a cop: Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

How to piss off a cop: After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

How to piss off a cop: Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

How to piss off a cop: Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

How to piss off a cop: Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

How to piss off a cop: Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

How to piss off a cop: Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

How to piss off a cop: Ask if he watches Cops.

How to piss off a cop: Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

How to piss off a cop: Ask if you can see his gun.

How to piss off a cop: Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

How to piss off a cop: Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. Then ask to use his pen to sign the ticket.

How to piss off a cop: Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

How to piss off a cop: Chew on the pen, nervously.

How to piss off a cop: Clean your ear with the pen.

How to piss off a cop: Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

How to piss off a cop: Giggle if he did.

How to piss off a cop: If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

How to piss off a cop: If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

How to piss off a cop: If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

How to piss off a cop: If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

How to piss off a cop: Mumble to yourself.

How to piss off a cop: Refer to him by his first name.

How to piss off a cop: Talk to your hand.

How to piss off a cop: Touch him.

How to piss off a cop: Trip and fall into him.

How to piss off a cop: Try to sell him your car.

How to piss off a cop: When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

How to piss off a cop: When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

How to piss off a cop: When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

How to piss off a cop: When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

How to piss off a cop: When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

How to piss off a cop: When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

How to piss off a cop: When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

How to piss off a cop: When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

How to piss off a cop: When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

How to piss off a cop: When he says no, cry.

How to piss off a cop: When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

How to piss off a cop: When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

How to piss off a cop: When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

How to piss off a cop: When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

How to piss off a cop: When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

How to Successfully Study in the Library bring all of your materials with you find a nice quiet spot void of distractions make sure to take little breaks every half hour or so maybe bring a little snack don't look at the giant floating baby just don't try to forget about the giant floating baby in the library use different colors of highlighters to organize your notes

How to tell your friend his cat's dead

How tricky is that dicky?

Howard the Magical Chipmunk by Nybar I am here to obsesss about the following 1. Semen 2. The web decency act you fucking asshole 3. Cats Cats Cats Cats Cats 4. Chipmunks If there is somehow a story in all of this.. all for the better. -- POUPEY zine #1

Hsd s adream U got a new pitbnamed it 293

huge fan of disgusting. massive supporter of gross and nasty

human and bug relations will change by the end of the century

Human beings b like. *sits and stares peacefully at a fire* *sits and stares peacefully at the ocean* *sits and stares peacefully at a sleeping animal*

Humans irritate me beyond. Today I saw an ad on the internet. The ad was about a guy who offered to get a company logo tattooed on their upper back (below their neck) for $3000. Don't people have self worth or self respect anymore? Is capitalisms greedy hand that powerful? I pity this sad individual. When will the sheep of society wake up? People sicken me.

humans reached their peak when they made lava lamps

hunting and gathering for pdfs and mp3s

HURRY UP AND HAVE YOUR HEART ATTACK AND DIE AND SPARE THE REST OF THE WORLD YOUR SOCIAL POLLUTION.

"hurt people hurt people" yes mistress. anything for you mistress.

hurt wizards hurt wizards

MY CAPS-LOCK IS ON AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT OFF.. CAN ANYONE HELP ME??? <[DoD]Xiao> typ capslock button :P Hvatti: hold down shift while writing instead...^^ hey that shift-thing works thx!!! but it*s pretty difficult to write while holding a shift::: omg Hvatti find "caps lock" key and press it once number 3 from bottom left where can i find it hehe :D at the left of your keyboard ok thanx:: YES IT WORKED!!! aamm apparently it didn't lol CAN I NOW RELEASE THE SHIFT? yes you have to release the shift. omg how sweet !! like this? * Lilly- faints yep, just like that

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I would love to visit some innocent happy gnome village and just start stompin

"i actually do think on some level obese should be considered a slur akin to other dated medicalizing terminology"

i agree with this sentiment broadly but can we maybe try again without the lutheranism

I also have small dogs, and I don't want them to be sacrificed to dead rappers.

I am 30 or 40 years old and I do not need this

i am 5 kilobytes old

i am a college student with absolutly no money i dire need of a labtop to take with me to school.

I am a molecular biologist at UCSF. Over the years, I have accumulated a collection of strange and beautiful fungal contaminants (mostly filamentous and slime molds) that have grown up on my petri dishes. I have lovingly nursed and organized this group of stray microbes, and consider them like my children. Unfortunately, I'm moving to a distant land for a spell and my fungus collection is in danger of being dumped by my uncaring colleauges . To prevent this tragedy, I am looking for a fellow mycophile to take over the care of my little pets. They're very low maintenance... they must simply be kept in a dark drawer or closet and occasionally checked to prevent leakage or dessication. Please, be a kind soul and take in my molds!

I am a species of true bug

i am a victim of pleasure

I am creating upsetting spells in my fucked up wizard tower today

i am drinking fruited nectars like a hunnimg bird

I am easily amused by other people's pain.

I am leaving the earth’s surface good bye

i am not going to a secondary location with you one of us dies here

I am not nearly advanced enough to come away from such a maneuver unscathed

I am not responsible for my washing machine killing people or making them ill.

I AM OFFERING FREE SERVICE TO LADIES WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HEAD JUST TO SEE HOW A PROFESSIONAL COLON CLEANSING SHOULD BE LIKE {wink} post id: 35584837

I am on the moon. what’s up lol. pee’d on Buzz Aldrins foot step lol… Pee foot.

I am part of the underground resistance.

I am saving myself for Phil Collins.

I Am Since My Youth Addicted To Travestites & Transsexuals

I Am the Alfred Stieglitz of Cock Pics…

I am the only person in the tri-state area who has been fired by every miniature golf course.

I AM THE SON OF SPAM SPADE, THE FORMER LOAN OFFICER OF NIGERIA, WHO WAS KILLED BY A RUSSIAN LADY WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU.

I am the surgeon & I am the patient & I am the technician handing over the scalpel & I am the scalpel & I am the pervert touching themselves in the corner

i am unaware of how to operate a raspberry

I am watching you fuck.

I am, and have always been, a fat white man. Any other post on this blog that insinuates otherwise is me playing with your little head.

I ASKED A GUY WHERE NOTRE DAME WAS AND HE BEAT ME WITH A MIDGET.

I ASKED GOD FOR A SAVIOUR AND HE SAID LOOK AT YOUR HANDS

“I ate an edible last night” yeah I did too you dumb fuck it’s called food for dinner

I ate your ice cream sandwich. I am so sorry

i attached a middle finger to each blade of my ceiling fan and i make it spin even when it's cold inside because it looks very much bad ass

i avoid printers at all costs but deep down i think i should've been a printer. life so easy. i sit there all squarelike and when someone has a minor task for me i goFUCK YOU

i basically love to catch all the shit that falls off of peoples hamburgers with one of those tiny nets they use to scoop up goldfish

I be running my fingers through my bush pondering ancient wisdoms

I beamed a full ear of corn at someone so hard once that when it hit the doorframe it exploded onto the ceiling, the walls, and the door. There was no cob left.

i believe in you. you will find drugs. and you will take them

I bet if a mushroom could lap water out of your hand with a tongue that a gently drinking mushroom tongue on your hand would be the softest and gentlest thing.

I bet in hell they make John Kellogg eat a big bowl of lucky charms for breakfast with everything other than the marshmallows picked out and the milk is just melted snickers bars

i bet it feels good to be an underwater plant just swaying in sync with the flow of water

I bet it feels so fucking good to absorb your twin in the womb

I bet you don't smoke dope Your Stupid!

i blast all the ufos easily and then you know what i do is i go in there and fuck the alein

I blow burps across the room because it's funny.

I BROUGHT IT TO A SHOPS AND I WAS LIKE HEY, CAN YOU TURN THIS INTO A CATBUS?

i can be trusted on a nature walk i promise. i promise i will stay on the trail and will not run off into the forest never to be seen again i promise

I can see how he lures victims, he seems friendly , the fact he knows not to reville to much dark side , clever. , confident ,friendly , evil equals a serial killer.

i can sense that I am not the only warrior of light in this popeyes bathroom

I Can't Believe It's Not The Souls of The Damned™

“I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You could take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down, dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a FUCKTON of other things! It should have been ILLEGAL for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated for living on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game? As opposed to fifty-two horrible games? Quality, over quantity. That's our lesson here.”

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

I can't smoke myself cause they don't do pipes small enough to fit entire hobbits.

i can't tell you how many serious UFO vids i've seen ruined by the slow zoom out and reveal of a man jacking it

I can't wait to beat OFF again it's been like 8 years

I cannot enter the dmv lest harmful sorcerers claim my soul

i cant be getting scam calls at 9 pm i dont have the energy to fuck with them

I cant come to your birthday there's a big ass skullll flying araound

I cant kill myself if theres any possibility of playing with a mans asshole is in my future

i cant leave america because what if i get a beverage and it’s not huge

i can’t believe the permian triassic extinction event took trilobites from us. they would love the ocean today. they would’ve loved garbage islands.

I can’t believe they made New York the new USA capital and no one fucking realized

i cast spell of rupture your appendix

I cast the spell “show me your dog”

I cast ‘love you’ spell on you

I continue walking, and about a half a block later I realize: HOLY SHIT THAT GUY ALMOST SPLATTERED MY UNINSURED BRAINS ALL OVER HOUSTON STREET!

I could be wrong, but perhaps his current behaviors have something to do with the fact that his MOTHER RENTED OUT HIS ASS TO HUNDREDS OF PEDOPHILES TO SUPPORT HER CRACK HABIT!!!!

I could NOT be in feudal Japan. Here are some reasons why: 1. I wasn’t born then.

I COULDN'T CONTROL MY FEELINGS WHEN I AM ALONE.MY BOY FRIEND IS WORKING ABROAD. I JUST WANT TO HAVE PLEASURE . GIVE ME SOME TIPS OR POSITIONS OF SELF PLEASURE. DO I BECOME PREGNANT BECAUSE OF THAT? PLEASE HELP ME.

i couldn't rub out NOTHING from this shitpile

I cranked my hog today/to see if it still squeals/i focus on the hog/the only thing that's real

i cry when i think about war. and i pissed my pants once when i was 14

I deman you to do it ?

I did not shat myself

I died last night, would you like to meet for coffee....?

i do consider myself a temporarily embarrassed lightning wizard

I do highly enjoy being a chemical reaction

I do not want to fuck Edgar from The Aristocats. Can we just clear up that rumor now?

I do spells and shit for the elderly on weekends.

I don't care what my therapist says, he rocks!

I don't do "art studies," i draw "wrong" until I get an epiphany from god

I don't eat mushrooms anymore

I don't even blast doo doo anymore my mental health is literally too balanced

I don't give a flying fuck about your children.

I don't know how many times I've driven myself home STONED and DRUNK, but it doesn't even ALTER my driving ability! AT ALL! Why? BECAUSE I'M A GOOD DRIVER SOBER, THEREFORE I'M A GOOD DRIVER DRUNK!

I DON'T LIKE GRAPE EITHER YOU SELF-ABSORBED COCKSUCKERS!!!!!

I don't mind sucking you off, but here's what I need from you

I don't trust the phone company.

I DON'T WANT A CAREER, I WANT HAMBERGER AND FRENCH FRY.

I dont actually know anything about birds or where they come from

i dont agree or disagree i just thinks its intetesting

i dont care if it greasy i want to have sanwich i want a perfect grilled i want a perfect cheese :3

i dont care if you leaked the no fly list your post is still unfunny

i dont CARE that its your special interest bitch whats your SOURCE !!!!!!

i dont even care about getting “high” i just really enjoy coughing so fucking hard

I don’t believe in cops, so they can’t “arrest“ me. Whatever that means. continues jump kicking and jump punching a Kia soul

i don’t have a “mind palace” or whatever… it’s a male strip club in here

i Don’t have any fetishes im just creative

I don’t know enough about that to laugh at your joke. Try tripping or farting or something

I don’t know man this shit never happened before you showed up.

I drank elvis water

I drink, therefore I am!

I dueled a wasp with my katana for 45 minutes and i lost

I enter my bedroom to see my wife hanging from the rafters not dead but in its throes “THAT THING! IT’S HURTING YOU!” I pull up a chair and start slamming my fists into the rope “DIE BASTARD! LET HER GO!”

I extend my hand like a mob boss and allow you to kiss my ring but when you lean closer you see it's one of those glo-in-the-dark spider rings you win at arcades

I failed dumbass school :/ Going to amoeba college

I farted on every single one of my employees. All 37 of them.

I feel like I was eat by a coyote and then shit off a cliff.

I feel like if we could access a dog's dream for even a second we'd be so so terrified

I feel that this image needs more semen to be of high quality.

I feel the need to breakdown and cry, Now if I only knew why I feel like this, It happens everyday continuously, We never get used to it we only learn, To deal with it a little better each day, Each day I fight off these tears and, Continue to hide beneath another mask, Sometimes it fails to work as I feel a, Tear shed and roll down my pale cheek

"i find pig roasts so erotic" I attended my first pig roast last weekend,and for some reason found the thought of all of the people there consuming this roasted pig quite erotic! My boyfriend enjoyed it to, but not in the same way as I did! My question is,am i too wierd or is this just a passing perversion? I mean I can't wait till the next one...samantha

I find yer page sinfully delicious.I have returned here numerous times....thats my story... yer sassy

I flipped around and shouted, "THREE BOX OF CHEERIO!!!!!!!"

I Fought the Toilet and the Toilet Won

I found out you had a Sam's Club membership instead of a Costco membership. #ReasonsWeStoppedTalking

i fucking hate akira. goddamn, wiggles, is there anything you say that won't make me want to snap your neck and piss in your mouth?

I fully understand non-existence because I used to not exist when I was a baby

I GET ALL OF MY ESTEEM FROM BELIEVING THAT I'M BETTER THAN YOU BECAUSE OF MY RANDOMLY ASSIGNED GENOTYPE.

I GET OUT BED AT 12:34AMM I GO TO TOILET TO TAKE SHIt. TOILET NOT IS THERE (GONE) (STOLEM)

i glow green in the night in my room i don't care im crazy

I got a D.W.I. last week for not having enough blood in my alcohol stream.

i got assigned a grey alien pen pal and all I send him are polaroids of me grabbing my nuts &flipping the bird

I got attack by a shadow person back in the early 80's, no internet back then. That thing charged me, I ran like hell.

I got diagnosed with aspergers after I wore a Devo shirt to an appointment with a therapist and they called Devo a one hit wonder and I spoke uninterrupted and aggressively for 40 minutes about how it's not right to call Devo a one hit wonder.

i got hit by nightmare lightning but im ok

i got my new tetanus shot who wants to play bucket of rusty nails withme ^_^

I got so high I thought I was a dead hobbit

I GOT SOMEONES DEAD GRANDMOTHER IN URN

I got sued by the FEDS, for stuff I didn't do... and I still ended up alright.

I GOT YOUR RESPONSE AND I AM GRATEFUL THAT YOU HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF HAVING CHILDREN,AND NO MORALS EITHER

i gotta put my vpn on for this, i don’t feel safe (while looking for rule 34 of Freaky Fred)

I had black candles , I still have occultist symbols.. My soul won't be saved . Because GOD said that I'm involved in Dark Doctrine I won't be returning back to The Earth. I'm alive, but I had an outer body experience of being in Hell . I saw demons on the ground unable to move and something that wasn't from the same planet told me why he's been in hell for 300 years he stole something. It's hard to live life in the most holiest way .

i had the slime of my life no, i've never felt this wet before yes, i swear, it's the truth and i owe it all to goo

i had to eat an emergency chicken sandwich. going back to bed now. bye

I hate the fact that I won’t live to see the year 2420…

I hate what America has become

I hate when I see videos of women cooking and their husbands/boyfriends just being fucking useless don’t piss me off I’m serious rn

i hate when you’re outside and the sun

i hate you windows i hate you microsoft i hate you apple i hate you ios i hate you siri i hate you cortana i hate you bloatware i hate you background processes i hate you onedrive i hate you icloud i hate you adobe i hate you photoshop i hate you creative cloud i hate you software updates i hate you microsoft edge i hate you safari i hate you google chrome i hate you startup programs i hate you pop ups

i have a bunch of disgusting ideas if anyone's interested

i have a dead Raccoon. Looks like a male. About 15 lbs. He's only been dead a few days. He doesn't smell since it's been so cold out. Will sell for cash to highest bidder or trade for Six Feet Under - The Complete First Season on DVD

I have a friend who knows a fellow who is investigating reports that men from space are coming to Earth and taking biopsies of people's calf muscles. He says the biopsy sites heal right away.

I have an iPod, too, but my iPod is full of good music THAT I PAID FOR SO I DON'T GET CANCER FROM STEALING MUSIC LIKE MY FATHER THE BANJOIST!

I have been an addict ever since I was a kid. My first hit of “unstructured free time” left me craving more. maadmaan1

I have black blinds covering my window, and they're rarely opened. The last time I opened them, (about 4 months ago), I looked at the outside world and said "the sun sucks" then closed them.

“i have free will” no you don't. My spore compels you.

I have GOT to stop spending $

I have indisputable evidence that extraterrestrials made me nut myself during a college presentation in 2018

I have multiple dead horses that I beat regularly

I have multiple dead horses that I beat regularly

I have never consumed a single minute of popular culture media in my entire life, and I have no idea who any of these characters are. I simply purchase these products to perpetuate the slave labor used in their creation.

i have no idea how that turd got on your ceiling, but it definitely didn't fly out of my shorts while iwas doing a backflip

I have noticed lately the terrible junk that you have been communicating to my eMail. It is obviously a reflection of your mind and your sick soul. I suggest that you reflect a little more. Maybe you should turn your tongue 10X before uttering any of the garbage that comes out of you foul body.

I HAVE NOW BEEN ADVICED BY THE BANKING OFFICER TO SEEK IN CONFIDENCE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH THIS FUND COULD BE TRANSFERED FOR SAFE KEEPING TO AVOID A LEAK FROM THE HIS FORMER EMPLOYERS.

I have responsibilities like self torment and isolation

I have some fries and two dips, one is mayonnaise, the other is dumb dumb sauce. No matter what, I CANNOT eat the dumb dumb sauce.

I HAVE THE PERFECT PUNISHMENT FOR YOU NAUGHTY GIRL. YOU ARE GOING BACK TO THE STORE AND RETURN THE DIRTY MAGAZINE YOU STOLE, YOU ARE GOING TO ASK THE STORE MANAGER TO PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SPANK YOUR CHUBBY BOTTOM RED IN FRONT OF ALL THE CUSTOMERS. AFTER YOUR SPANKING YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SUPPOSITORIES PUT IN YOUR BUTT AND YOU WILL BE PUT IN 3 XLG DISPOSABLE DIAPERS AND PLASTIC PANTS WILL BE LOCKED ON YOU. THEN MOMMY IS GOING TO FEED YOU LOTS OF BABY FOOD AND BABY FORMULA WITH LAXATIVES SO YOU WILL KEEP GOING PEE PEE AND POO POO IN YOUR DIAPERS. MOMMY IS GOING TO MAKE NAUGHTY BABY STAY LOCKED IN HER POOPY STINKY DIAPERS TO TEACH YOU A LESSON. MOMMY IS GOING TO FEED NAUGHTY BABY LOTS AND LOTS SO BABY IS GOING TO GET CHUBBIER AND CHUBBIER. AFTER A WHILE BABY IS GOING TO BE SO CHUBBY THAT SHE WILL BE WADDLING JUST LIKE A TODDLER. MOMMY IS GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE PARK AND NAUGHTY CHUBBY WILL TELL ALL THE PEOPLE WE SEE THAT YOU ARE A NAUGHTY TUBBY TODDLER AND YOU ARE LOCKED IN POO POO DIAPER. THEN MOMMY WILL CHANGE YOUR DIAPERS AND GIVE NAUGHTY BABY A GOOD HARD SPANKING. THEN IT BACK HOME AND PUT YOU IN AT LEAST 4 XLG DIAPERS AND LOCK U IN THEM. MOMMY WILL ALSO PUT A DIAPER HARNESS ON YOU TOO.

i have this mouse... and eat eats all my ramen... if i had the money to buy random mice food i WOULDNT be eatting ramen in the first place... i cant aford to feed this fucker.... if you have like a leaky faucet or creeky door or some shit... i will trade you...

I have to floss my cat.

I have to go to court for kitty littering.

I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

I have tourette's syndrome and am prone to breaking out in HORSEHUFFER COCKKOCKER fits of profanity. That aside, I am ASSPLOWER BALLSUCKER still looking for a woman to treat me TITWIGGLING DONGBLASTER right and vice versa. Do these CLITSLAMMING ASSMASTER ads really work? Just curious....I'm a JIZZSNACKER COWCOCK 20 year old white male, with WIENER MASTER QUEEFEATER blue eyes, a sensitive disposition, and a poet. Please help this MOTORFUCKER POOPIEPANTS brother out?

i havent heard from charlie kirk in a while is he alright?

i HEAR Wikipedia is going "black" in protest. GOOD! Do it FOREVER. You've missrepresented and provided false info of wild horses 4 a decade!

I heard a knock on the door at 3am. I'm on airplane

i heard my nephew got enslaved by cave bugs

I heard they’re killing you at work tomorrow

I hella fucked that hella skanky chick hella hard dude.

I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

i hope donkey kong walks into my house and smashes a barrel over my head killing me instantly

i hope i dont get poster's lung by being in the cyber mines for too long

I hope this email catches you and imprisons you in my wizard tower

i hope this email finds you beheaded and on fire

i hope this email finds your family cursed for one thousand generations

I invented the printing press.

i just asked every scientist and they all said that you arent true here and thats not correct. i dont tolerate disinformations on my page. they do these things for no reason, and thats fine. we love all of them anyways because they are beautiful in their own yucky & terriblw waywhimsicalbirde

i just ate 3 pieces of colby jack cheese

I just came back from the doctor and he told me that I only have 3 days to live. I have been diagnosed with a rare-condition that was caused from mercury in thermometers. On my short list of things to do before I pass, I would like to have a beautiful girl slap my ass. I am 29 5'11 170lbs, need a quick response as I have many things that need to get done before Thursday...send pic and details on why I should make you my last.

I just came back from the doctor and he told me that I only have 48 hours to live. I have been diagnosed with a rare-condition that was caused from lead-paint. On my short list of things to do before I pass, I would like to have two girls team up and slap my ass. I am 24, 6'3 210, need a quick response as I have many things that need to get done before Thursday.

i just found an old carrot with a bunch of hairs coming out of it in the bottom of the crisper drawer. jackpot

I just got ganged up on by several MicroSpiders

I just imagined a creature that would scare you soooo bad dude

i just need one more staff fragment and i can finally craft my staff of wolf lightningthe-evil-weevilWhat exactly is wolf lightning?

I just outsmoked a wild boar and it dropped two gold and 12 exp as it greened out

I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass.

i just unzip my cloaca and let the posts gush out of me

I just want to shit in the grass and everyone be cool about it for once.

I jut finished paying off this burger

I kinda witch sponge bob was here

I know I've just been a cunt and passed you all at the red, so if you've got enough road to catch up, I'll give you the room to pass!

I know the most dangerous dumpling-based spells and incantations. I can teach you how to enact wonton destructionovenroastedtwerkey

I know we all like to joke around here but when your posts are this likely to cause suicides, it's just dangerous

i know what girls want, its pointy hats and unethical spells beyond your comprehension.

I know when I kill one of the PCs off I have my minions seize them and drag them away from the table, screaming, to their actual death, but I didn't know it was this common.

I KNOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHY THERE ISN'T ANY HOT WATER, AND YOU DON'T CARE SINCE YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN A SHOWER SINCE APRIL, BUT THAT DOESN'T SOLVE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

I know you said no pets but would it be ok if i brought a flaming skull

I leave my three-year-old in the car while I'm purchase guns and ammunition. Don't worry he'll stay warm - the car is running.

I left my body in my other clothes.

I lied. I don't want to see your cock.

I like dragons and other animals

i like how all of you are profoundly mentally ill in very different ways

i like my sausages how i like my people: skinless

I like scrawny geekboys between 21-27 that I can toss across the room.

I like the future, I'm in it.

I like to remind people at work that my personal savior is coming to judge everyone's sorry asses so they better get born again like me or go to hell.

I like to spend a romantic evening soaking in a nice big tub of warm brine and have someone to mind meld with and rub my tentacles - touching - feeling - especially the 9th tenacle - if you know what I mean. --- hmmmmmm --- ;;-))

I like when you click a link and it turns purple its like youre bruising it

I liked it when she turned on her oven because I thought she was gonna make cookies, but I was not expecting her to throw a person into it. Ugh, unsubscribed.

I lit my pubes on fire, its a very cool way to shave.

I loaned one of my cars to a friend a couple of weeks ago. I received a phone call one evening: "Hey! I just wanted to let you know I got a little ding in the front fender yesterday. I'll pay for it, no problem. I was pulling out of a parking space and kinda scraped the next car. Not too bad, though." Thanks for telling me, I appreciate it. I go to pick up the car. I see this huge crater in the front fender -- no, I see this remnant of a front fender attached to my car. I get in. What used to be clean is a pit, a stinky dungeon. I go to three body shops and get three estimates. Fi' hunned. Fo' hunned. Fo'fi'ty. Which should I hand to my friend as the true amount of damage? I call him back: "Hey lookit, I got estimates on the car. The low one is four bills and the high one is five. How are you going to pay me for the damage?" "Oh, er, well, I was going to buy a fender and put it on myself. It just has fifteen bolts. Piece of cake. I'll get it done for about $150." "I don't know about that. Let me think about it. I don't want mismatched paint." "Hey! Don't you trust me? C'mon! I don't have a lot of money, you know." It's trade-in time. All the car dealers laugh when they see my baby blue car with the lime green fender.

I LOOVE it when giant bugs attack the city

I LOST PANCAKES :-(

i love denying christ it's like a hobby

I love how hotels will charge you $300 for smoking in your room, but you can literally jizz on anything you want, and it's no big deal.

I love it when someone calls me a freak or says I look disgusting or even laughs at me. It fucking makes me crack up. Around a month ago I was at a bus stop and 3 girls pointed at me and burst out laughing. So I went up to them and said "I know... fuckin' ugly son of a bitch ain't I? You should see me naked... that's even funnier. you'd probably piss your pants laughing at my small cock. I'm useless, I'm a ugly loser and I should die." Then I turned around and walked away.

I love jaywalking with another pedestrian lol we’re unionized

I love markdown text files they're like a brother to me

I love seasonal fruits they're like girl we're back lol

I love the feel of fur on my gentials. it feels wonderful! i just wanted to suggest that you mastrabate yourself with fur next time you do. tell me the results. "Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." -Joshua J. Marine AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAAAAAAAAAA....I'm rolling!!!!!!!!!

I love this website I love it when people tell us what's wrong with them

i love turning off lights. no need for all that

I love when I lose followers . YESSSSSSS GO AWAY…!!!!!!!!

i love when you kick people in the head and all their skin falls off and they go to hell

I MAY HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO A MARIMO AGAINST MY WILL BUT AT LEAST MY BASE NEEDS ARE MET AND I FEEL SAFE

I mean, all those hot babes in the Playboy mansion are sometimes taking huge shits in there and farting.

i miss the air comditioning in the hotel room so much i felt like such a slab

I missed a shift at amazon and they killed my little cousin

i must seek out the three wise perverts

i must warn you missy, i am a powerful fucklord *ground shakes and dildos begin to levitate*

I MUTTERED “LOUVRE” JUST LAST WEEK AND IT TRIGGERED A LUNAR ECLIPSE.

I named my pet termite after you

I need a little ass

I need able-brained men with some fighting years left in 'em to meet the horde.

I need my weird alone time or I will explode

I NEED POOP--- SERIOUSLY!

i need something that can put a hole in a UFO

I NEED this on a pillow!!! I happen to have a fetish for poorly-drawn green guys.

I need to a-range a fu-ner-al

I need to do this Before Die!!! Is Awesome!!!

I NEVER NEVER NEVER buy any used CDs because it TAKES MONEY AWAY FROM THE ARTIST!

i never saw you, but you violated me and escaped in pieces, probably regenerating into more of your kind you bastard jellyfish.

I never should have taken cobwebs class with professor creepy

I now not only have to live with my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY KNOWING THIS, but I also have to see a psychiatrist.

i occasionally get checked into mental hospitals and i view this as a vacation and take the opportunity to have tons of fun

I once ate some dry dog shit... don't bother trying it. It tastes like chalk. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW

I ordered the dippin' sticks pizza with bacon and the 2nd pie was a large with peppers. 10:36 still no pie. I'm hungry. All that for "little-ol-you"?

I pawned your chastity key for drug money sorry

I PAYED 6 BUCKS FOR THEM SO I DONT WANT TO THROW THEM AWAY AND I DONT THINK I CAN RETURN THEM IF THERE ALREADY OPENED.

i plan on becoming the one dog that does not go to heaven

i promise to be nice as long as you promise to not accidentally set anything on fire.

i promised wizard DARE i wouldn’t try any wizard coke or wizard crack but obviously i was wizard lying

i pull into mcdonalds, i order the McHug

I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

I reach into my bag again and walk over to your TV. Suddenly you realize what's happening. I've put on every episode of every season of Dawson's Creek.

I really find minimal wave so endlessly charming like even if the specific album/EP/demo i'm listening to is kind of boring i'm like “wowww someone really made this... so cutes”deadeyesopened1dthe inherent cuteness of the moog

i really like how the milkman exists as an entirely fossilized character who now serves no purpose other than to fuck people's wives for the punchline

i really must apologize but i have a parasocial relationship with a large mcdonalds mocha

I really need to get rid of this god damn stupid wooden puppet!

I remember once my parents bought me a wiener dog, and I walked that wiener dog and I fed that wiener dog and I loved that wiener dog. Then one sad day, that wiener dog ran out and got hit by wiener dog truck. I rushed out and held the poor wiener dog in my hands and cried, "Hang on wiener dog, don't give up wiener dog," but it was too late. My wiener dog was limp and cold. Also, when I say "wiener dog," I really mean "record player."

I remember when Chevy Chase saying, 'Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still seriously dead,' was funny because it was a fucking JOKE -- but now it's on my goddamned TV 24 hours a day about this one-man circus!

I resonate with this so much!

I Run Over Children (IROC)

I saw a bar and walked in. The bartender asked "Why the long face?" I said "WHAT THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE?!?! A HORSE?!?!?" and kicked his butt. He started to flee and was caught by the jaws of death. So I drank all of his beer and passed out. -- POUPEY zine #1

i saw a guy stroking off while he was driving on the highway once. pre-rebuttals: 1. i was not looking at a mirror. 2. i was not in the car

I say this not unkindly, but firmly: to function as a member of a social species, you have to get comfortable with the idea that not everyone will like you

I say this with the utmost sincerity, but I hope you have the courage and space and freedom in the upcoming year to be the nasty little freak that you are. I hope you can find a place to realize that the things you think make you unlovable and disgusting are in fact very lovable and not disgusting in any way. I hope you find sincerity beyond your ability to even comprehend.

i sentance you to drink one SPILLION water.

"I sentance you to never-ending aeons of punishment and torture! You will forever wish to die!"

I sentence you to thinking about dragons for 10 billion year

i share a birthday with fucking jared sobway

I should be the boss at Arbys

I should have never made her eat the doo doo, She'll never come back, Everything we shared was for fuckcing nothing??? It's all over because of a little doo doo

I should quit my job to pursue a life of meaningless violence

i should sell this

i shouldn’t be in social situations i should be in the dark

I showed you my [Gunk-Covered Thingy] please respond

I SMELL LIKE COMPOST BUT COMPOST SMELL LIKE FALL AND FALL VERY NICE WITH PRETTY LEAVES AND PUNKIN' PIE SO YOU JUST VISUALIZE THAT AS YOU DRY HEAVE AND EVERYTHING BE OK.

"I stab you DEAD!" (lunges at boss with serrated combat knife)

I stay up pooping for no shitting reason

I steal images and bandwidth

I stimulate the economy by tickling its scrotum

I SURE DIDN’T ASK TO BECOME AN INTERNET SUPERSTAR!!!

I SWOOP DOWN AND CAST INSTANT NUT THROUGH YOUR WINDOW

I think all items should cost 8 dollars. That way evrrything costs 8 dollard

i think an electrolyte just bit me

I think everyone is like under spells

I think he's an alien. Not like from Canada either but real woogie boogie outer space or he might be French or possibly French Canadian.

i think i just had a regular human experience

I think I'm Jesus

i think if dogs could talk they would have the most racist opinions in the world, stuff that just blows normal human racism out of the water

i think it would be fucking stupid to be a fat ass caterpillar and have your entire body be made out of weak points

I think it's okay to love what you do, and even celebrate that. But there's a line that gets crossed sometimes where the art goes... “unlike all of those stupid people, who just dont get it.” And it's like... hey... who are you making this for, exactly? tallspookylady

I think Linux is beter, but I never see or use Linux befor, and I no that Windows XP is rely rely bad. I hav Windows 95.

I think of a joke I heard recently. If IBM had designed the phone system, every time you added a new phone, everyone in the world would have to hang up. -- RAndY's RumOR RaG, Dec 1991

i think police should get extensive background checks so that i can hire all fo the most insane, mentally ill cops as my personal bodyguards

I think rent should be $4 a month

i think some of you need to eat a slice of cheesecake and listen to ambient rain noises ten hours.

I think that if you asked Shaggy what his gender was he'd say 'you're, like, livin' in a prison of your own creation, man' and then eat a huge sandwich in one bite

i think the way it works is as long as the National Debt isnt paid off, every American automatically goes to Hell when they die, which Sucks

i think we could reform pangaea if we all tried hard enough

I think we should all go on a trip to Transylvania & go save Jonathan. Dracula can’t stop all of us.

I think websites might just save America

I THINK YOUR WHOLE LITTLE WORLD,DOWN THERE NEEDS TO GET A LIFE AND STOP STRESSING OVER A RESTAURANT.NO ONE HAS MUCH TIME ON EARTH AND ALL YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT IS THAT.THERE AE PEOPLE DIEING,PEOPLE KILLING,THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THE PEOPLE OF THIS DYING PLANET.WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOUR GRANDKIDS WATER SUPPLY,THE AIR THEY WILL BE BREATHING,UV RAYS THAT CAUSE CANCER,START A PETETION ABOUT THE FAILING RAIN FORESTS PEOPLE ARE CUTTIG DOWN,WORRY ABOUT SOMEONE OTHER THE YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM WORRY ABOUT THERE FUTURE IF WE HAVE ONE.

i thiunk im sexyally attracted to music

I thought "raw doggin' it" was when you were too lazy to cook the hotdog before eating it

I thought I had barbecue spice on my finger but it was just blood

I to have been through that horror.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat I found that I had fractured my skull.

i told walmart that my aunt died once just to leave work early

I told you dead people turn into anime.

i took 50g of music and im starting to black out

i took a large dump in a birds nest while he was out collecting more supplies for his nest (which is now full of shit)

I understand everything. I am 12 years old

I used the mind bondage spell on my father. He was trying to stop me from playing D&D.

I used to get the shit beaten out of me by mantis shrimp in second grade

i vomited and used the vomit as lube to fap furiously to this pick......because i like it.

i waiunt pizza delicious cheesy pizza.

I want my site to look like boiling alley

I want to do a ritual for samhain , im thinking of doing some tarot, any more ideas? this will be my ffirst sabth i will proform a ritual and i want it to be speacial, shud i call certain dark/underworld lord and lady?

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick - m4w

I want to fuck an extraterrestrial.

I WANT TO GET OFF MR. BONES' DYSPHORIA RIDE

I want to hate f*ck a Bush lovin, red flag bearin Republican

I want to spend more time with my blender.

I want to start off this post with saying how saddened I was to learn of the bombing at the Bostin Marathon

i want to steal every single neuran connection and signal from his brain and put it in mine

I want to take all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles and beat them into a green and red paste. im tired of those stupid fucking things. fuck the 80s. Master Ratso or whatever his name is can stay though im chill with him

I wanted to cooperate, but instinctively, I tried to defend myself by shooting laser beams out of my eyes.

I was a Male Prositute on a Women's Expedition. The leader said we should rotate tents for greater team unity. Some mornings I wake up and there would be a piece of chocolate or some other goodie in my boot. Finally one of the women slipped up as I was coming into the dinner tent. She didn't see me and was asking the group, "Who wants the stud tonight?". The truth finally hit home, I earned my keep by serving their needs. I felt so cheap. So used.

I Was A Teen Prog Addict

i was abandoned as a baby & raised by a wild pack of cigarettes

i was actually born as a CD but a wizard turned me into a human to teach me a lesson

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

I was blown to a smithereen, just the one

I was born at LSD Dream Emulator hospital

i was born in the downloads folder all alone with only a readme file to my name

I was doing like an advanced kind of joke where it isnt funny

I was just described as someone who likes “torture visuals”

I was just earing my morning Cereal. Until I saw it was actually teeth and the milk was blood

I was literally sitting like this with my guns

I was originally hiding behind your shower curtain to murder you but after listening to you grunt and fart and blast the potty for 10 minutes I think I'm just going to go home

I was raised to be very polite. For example, when I accidentally belch in public, I always make certain to say, "Man, now THAT was loud! "

I was there when JB Pritzker gave birth to The Bean

I was wondering if there's any Leonardo Da Vinci slash out there (not the Assassin's Creed kind).

i wear my headphones all day to listen to my frequency that keeps me docile

i will fry you in butter, garlic, and herbs

I will not eat a whole roasted baby but i might if you put it in a hot dog

I wish all those dickheads that bullied me in high school could see how much Internet ass I get now.

I wish I could hate you to death then loot your shriveled corpse.

I wish I could liveblog surgery

I wish I knew a wizard who hated me so I could blame all my problems on the wizard

I wish u could comprehend what is like to be desired by a fat man

I wish wizards were real so bad imagine coming out of a wal mart and seeing some guy with long robes and a big hat in the parking lot surrounded by wacky particle effects screaming some shit like “By the moon and the starlight, by the shield and the sword, I summon to me, my Honda Accord!” And then just getting into his car and driving off

i wish you could laugh react eBay listings. that's not worth $250. you fucking asshole. lmao

I woke up 50 years in the future. I thought to myself (how did this happen?) I walked outside and I saw a big fat floating butt. It had a brain wedged in between the cheeks and a mouth in the lower parts. I said "HEY CHEEK FACE! WHERES THE POOP!" he said "HEY HUMAN FACE! WHERES THE SPITTLE!!" I started beating on him. Seeing as he had no arms.. not much he could do. -- POUPEY zine #1

i woke up one afternoon to discover my body was transformed into that of a pig. though it was shocking, my family loved me despite this, and fed me lots of yummy slop. I lost pieces of my humanity with every day that passed, and I began to lose my sense of shame as well. This resulted in me often shitting where I stood, and blatantly going into erstrus when the time came. My parents, still believing me to be a real person, and not swine, were disgusted, and ashamed, and scolded me any time I "misbehaved". Until the day came along, one day, when my mother looked deep into my eyes and could not find a single trace of the human soul within them. I saw her turn around to the other room and heard her sobbing, though it elicited no response from me. Heartbroken, she had a conference with the rest of my family, and they decided to spare themselves the pain of having to look at me, and sell me to the Farmer as a meat pig. I went with him peacefully, aware of my fate, but not caring. The farmer did not know that I used to be human, so after I became fit to slaughter, maybe even substantially larger beyond that, he did so without ceremony. I was butchered as part of a special order, with my entire carcass shaved and washed, organs washed and placed back within, and sold to one man, who paid a hefty price. He brought me to his house after a long time spent in a, somewhat dingy ice chest in the back of his pickup truck, dragged inside, and cooked me in a large oven. My meat looked tender on the inside, yet was perfectly browned and crisp on the outside. Potatos and other starchy vegetables were cooked in the same pan, with a good amount of butter, as my body, the fat that was rendered and dripped off of me treating them well. When I was done cooking, instead of dressing me up, and putting me on a table, he put me and the cooking dish on the floor. This made me curious. I figured that he would be eating me, or a group of people, but thinking back on it, I heard no other humans than him this whole time, nor any footsteps. He whistled and called, and after some time an extremely large pig slowly slid itself along the floor into view. When it reached me, it didnt hesitate to begin eating as fast as it could. The man looked on. After about 15 minutes, the other pig had eaten all of me, even my bones, the vegetables, and drank all the remaining fluids from the pan, and my conscious had reawoken inside of its mind, all my memories intact, seeing things from its perspective, though I couldnt control its actions, and it's inner thoughts weren't aware of my presence. I felt my share of the pleasure that comes from eating ones own kind, and the pig sluggishly both in speed and manner made its way back to its pen, and fell asleep. I did too

I woke up speaking Latin and had two leg nuggets as smooth as silk.

I would describe brutalism as “skeletal in philosophy”

I would have been a very different person had icky not sacrificed his classmate to the Devil, two blocks away from my house in 1984

i would have been utterly legendary on something awful

i would love to force a man and a dolphin to fight to the death in a big aquarium, but i acknowledge that it is a bit of a "Legal gray area"

I would not have married Dan Quayle had I not thought he was an equal to me. -- Marilyn Quayle

i would've cannonballed the fuck out of the mayflower if i came across it back in the day

I' m a manager at a Burger king and I think your a little bitch, get a life!!

I'd like to introduce these fuckers to my wand- a regulation-sized Louisville Slugger, applied liberally about the head and shoulders.

I'd love to fufill your needs by helping me...

"I'd love to, but I have a million lonely ritualistic things I need to do." -- New Yorker-style cartoon caption

I'd rather eat cottage cheese out of a toilet bowl

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me then a frontal labotomy.

i'd rather have a buffao take a diarer shit in my ear!!!!

I'll ask for a plastic cup for water at a fast food place and I'll put Sprite in that shit I don't even care.

i'll close my eyes and make it disappear....

i'll even pirate free things. you wouldn't understand

I'll fire your ass

I'll have plastic spread out and can supply an apron, goggles, gloves, chain saw, gun, knife, blade, explosive, poison, noose, bomb, bio weaponary, posionous snake, great white shark in tank of H20 (w/ chum), bazooka, anvil, dynamite, black widow spider, speeding cars and trucks or scorpion. If you prefer to kill me by some other method, please supply your idea.

I'm a confederate but I'm not racist and if we did leave the USA we didn't have to deal with all the dumb things that Yankees did like kicking all the Indians out of the great plains

i'm a contrarian. this means that, like a conformist, i allow other people to control my thoughts, but in the opposite direction.

I'm all for Lawrence Welk. Lawrence Welk is a wonderful man. He used to be, or was, or wherever he is now, bless him. -- George H.W. Bush, while arguing for the line item veto (he apparently didn't know if Welk was alive or dead)

I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'm broken in a special way actually which means I can be healed in a unique way

I'm building a pig from a kit.

I'm contagious.

I'm crumbly like a dirt don't pick me up

I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

I'M FULL OF LOVE AND JOY AND ASBESTOS I LOVE LIFE AND I LOVE YOU

I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

i'm going to have trouble sleeping now that i know that SOME FUCKING RAT IN MY HOUSE ATE MY SEMEN

I'm gonna get surgery to turn me into an early 2000's wizard gif

I'm handwash only do NOT put me in that fucking mashine

I'm high as fuck and i need some BRIIIIEEEEEE

I'm imagining a bunch of sims in their house with like bowls of chips everywhere and each bowls got green stink lines coming off them

I'M JUST HERE TO ESTABLISH AN ALIBI

I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

I'M MAKING THE MUFFINS

I'm no expert in the mechanics of dragon ejaculation, but if what I know about jizz remains true in this case, I think that this means the car won't have to come in for an oil change for at least another 30,000 km.

I'm not badass I'm sadass I cry about everything

I'm on silly pillies

I'm pretty sure Gmail didn't exist in 1976.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IS NOT HIS FUNCTION.

I'm proud to partner with every restaurant chain in America to bring you shit and ass

I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

I'm so old!! *laughs, rubs big belly, falls asleep in tar puddle

I'm the 1%. I chew 100 year old leather garments instead of bubblegum and feed my dogs smaller dogs.

I'm the Climbing Avenger. It's true I've stolen pins off racks and cut holes in the bottom of chalk bags, but don't you see, I know what's best for everbody. I just want to say I'm really sorry about that one guy. Up until he fell, it was really neat. The crowd even clapped when I came sliding down the rope and removed the guy's chalk bag without even slowing down. How was I supposed to know the guy was going to freak out without his chalk bag and take a 40 foot ground fall. I've been to the hospital twice and I've given him his chalk bag back.

i'm thinking about getting sloppy from the big boppy

i'm writing a full-length novel about a shark that fucks people

I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

I'VE BEEN A GODZILLA FAN SINCE I WAS MOTHERFUCKING SEVEN. THAT'S NOT A MOTHERFUCKERING GHODZILLA RIGHTGH TERE.

I've been calling him spider but you can name him again if you want.

I've been melting dogs down to make this thing called dog metal

I've been told the pet play cannot contain talk of euthanasia

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement.

I've dedicated my life to linguini.

I've shown it's possible to be a dumb cross eyed cocksucker while also maintaining a rock and roll attitude

I've watched SEVERAL DOCUMENTARIES on them. Stop your stupid posturing. I'm not impressed.

i, turdghoul fuckass, swear to uphold the constitution of the united states of america, so help me Piss. ok sorry, now let me do it for real

i. am so small.

Ice cream flavor idea: Triple Berry Fuckfest

ICEEDEADPEPL: who doesnt like metallia

[ID: a tag that reads, “whatever kind of boots a wizard wears but thigh high”. /End ID]Okay consider, the boots lil nas x was wearingswordkind

IDENTITY EMERGES ORGANICALLY FROM ACTION

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

if driving by the dog kennel while gargling into a megaphone doesn't count as "community service" then maybe i should piss in the courtroom

If everone thought on the 8th dimension, there would be no use for a God.

If God Was In Hell We Would All Be Dead.

If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

if i dont respond to a message from you i can basically guarantee its not because i dislike you. im just getting attacked by imps and shit all the time genuinely.

If I found a hypodermic needle lying on the ground, I would probably inject it into my arm. I think that shows you what kind of a devoted worker with a 'can do' attitude I am.

if i get shot do i own the bullet

if i think of baby swordfish again i'm gonna be sent into a coughing fit

if i touched a bag of fentanyl i would jump with joy and childlike wonder

if i was a deer the first thing i would do is get a prion disease. the second thing i would do is run into traffic

if i was a genie i'd live in a lava lamp

If I was an orca I'd have killed so many trainers by now

if i was ever at a show & the performer addressed us as "Ladies and Germs" i would look around appalled and ask if he really said that shit.

if i was in an alien movie i'd be luring the xenomorph into a hot wok and adding chili, garlic, ginger, shaoxin wine, scallions, white pepper and sesame oil

if i were a shrimp id be so embarrassed because everyone can see my poop line

if i were police i would send bugs bunny and his shit pals to prison for violating the constitutional order of the united states of america.

if i worked in a toxicology lab i would wear a shirt that says “I LOVE POISON”

If it didn't stink, they wouldn't call it shit.

If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

If man...existed as far back as the Carboniferous period in any shape, then the whole science of geology is so completely wrong that all geologists will resign their jobs and take up truck driving.

If motorcycles were sapient they’d have virginity culture but for the taking of human life

if my surname was moog or theremin i'd invent a fuckass instrument too

If the internet were a moral place google would have ancient wizard graffics that show him looking at his orb for 30 seconds before answering your question but instead we have this BULLSHIT

If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!

if they hadn't assassinated jfk he'd be super old by now and would probably die so it's whatever

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

If this is because of some government shit list PLEASE JUST STOP RIGHT THERE! This isn't how America works! THIS KIND OF BULL CRAP IS HOW ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS THAT ONCE FLURSHED FELL!!! These very same practices. Evolution is BS we keep making the same stupid choices and societies keep on failing.

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person asking the order to stop doing that.

If we already eat such things as "corn on the cob," could "rat on a stick" be that far behind?

"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?" -- worked example from "The USENET Guide to Power Posting", Hal Singer, 1988

If you are into REAL pain, it is also possible to SIT ON YOUR OWN TESTICLES (oooooowwww!!)

if you are on mobile good news! you can just move your phone around and it is like you are driving maisy car around the real world!

if you are out there reading this, please contact me, i believe it is our destiny to be together in freakybj2.mpg.

"if you can be normal about fatfurs like me you can be normal about people with fart kinks. because i asked you to. ok? or i'm beating you to death"

If you come at me with shit head energy, I will respond in kind. If you approach me gently, like you would with an insane animal, I will reward you with Unlimited

“If you didn't get the knife in level 1, don't even try. That's my words of wisdom: anyone who wants to get far in this game, my rules are: Number 1: Get the knife. Number 2: Get the knife. Number 3: GET THE KNIFE. You wanna cut steak with a plastic spoon? No. Get the knife. I can't stress it enough. They'd lock me up in an asylum. "Get the knife, get the knife!"”

if you die in seattle you respawn at the last starbucks you went to

if you drink water while pregnant the baby dies

if you eat fresh food you get parasites. if you eat processed food you get bits of broken glass. either way it's $20 just to put stuff in your mouth

if you ever feel bad being a creature, just think how amazing it is that you can turn so many kinds of complex organic materials into sewage using almost nothing but your body!

If you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway

If you give man a fish, he eats for a day. But give him a magical fish that grants wishes, that would be really cool.

if you hate jazz you will die and go to hell

if you have ever smiled you need the guillotine

If you insist on pushing your kid around in a Hummer version of a baby stroller THEN AT LEAST PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!!!!

if you learn to love bugs with all your heart the world will feel half as hostile and a thousand times as big

if you meet the buddha on the road fuck his ass hole

if you need help just tug ny nuts twice lol

if you say pfp instead of avatar or icon you will never be mystical

if you see bright green flash illuminate the sky this evening it means my spell to give all cops bowlcuts has worked. red means im in jail

If you see someone post some insanely dark shit on here like "this pain of life is unbearable" wait a couple hours b4 u unfollow to be safe

If you stay up late to hang out with friends I don’t think you should have to be tired in the morning. I think it should be a freebie

If you stomp on a McNuggyBuddy do the others scream and cry or do they devolve into an animalistic frenzy and begin to mate with the corpse.

if you stretched out an average person's skin over a football field, you would be arrested and no one would like you or trust you anymore

If you think im not eating cookies in bed youre the biggest idiot theyre willing to invent

If you want an image of the future, imagine a sustainably produced boot stamping on a human face forever

IF YOU WERE IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR THE CIA TO BE AFTER YOU, I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO ORDER PIZZA.

If you work retail god I’m so sorry stay strong yall

If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is -- there is no key to the Universe. The good news is -- it has been left unlocked.

if you're not swimming in your own diarrhea, you're better off than me.

If you've got a lady comin over make sure you leave condoms all over your house so she knows you'll put out

if youre a groundhog assassin, hunter or whatever, please dont kill any groundhogs or talk about killing groundhogs today. this is Their day

if youre making a movie and you kill off a beloved character like bat man or bugs bunny you ought to be charged with Murder. No more excuses

"if youu die in hell you die in real life" - demon philosopher matthew

if you’re going to kill yourself you should do it at work so you can make it everyone else’s problem

If you’ve ever dunked your Oreo cookies in sulfuric acid instead of milk, unfollow me right now.

synchronised swimming mang ok _o> _o> o/ o/ o/ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ill turn america into a necropolis of black iron and ash Thousands of miles wide

im 5 and i can and will bench your family

im a protected species you fucking asshole

Im a starving child starving to death and this is the very last thing i have ever read. Gootbye.

im at arbys slobbering all over my shirt because my coworker gave me a war head there is slobber dripping all over my arbys work shirt

im basically normal if you really dont think about it

im bitin the fart bubbles in the bath

im changing... augh... i can feel my dna changing... it hurts.... *hand turns into a dvd*

Im fascinated by Heathcliff's relative lack of reatraint. He has the powers of a deity and can manipulate the world around him in his favor. but he never strays too far from his little town or even his house and only uses his magical prowess to obtain meat scraps or to bully pugs

Im feeling fly and fresh at the same time. Im feeling flesh

im getting word that my trolls are taking advantage of their newfound ability gather in darkened chat rooms to accelerate their plans to; you guessed it, murder me . is that Responsible Use as delineated in the Terms of Service? No it is not

im glad to see the army is starting to punish cadets for being circumcised. i was circumcised long ago during a moment of weakness (infancy)

im going to be the most dangerous me theyve ever invented

im going to put my crocs on now and go outside, since i actually have a life. [puts on crocs and stands on the deck looking in at computer]

im gonna get scrambles the death dealer to rin down his throat with hot acid dissolve his testicles and make his guts turn into snakes. also chuck norris will scissor kick him in the back of the head and mr rogers will bite him in the leg and give him hepatisa b. and the weird thing, this has happened before

Im having a big bowlof shit

im hungry as fuck bro can you pass me a microplastic

im like a lava lamp you can fuck

im never leaving this hellsite

Im not falling for that a third time

im not gonna release your soul from my magic gem. so stop asking

IM ONLY ASKING 2900 FOR THE CATBUS BECAUSE ITS REALLY FURRY AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET SICK ON IT.

im parrying cars on the highway and backing up traffic for several miles

im really thinking like a cake pop of chicken meat deep fried.

Im simply addicted to birds!

Im smoking made up shit

Im so pissed we dont get fried chicken leg drumsticks without bones in them i just wanna take a big ass bite without hitting some random cartilage that i have to maneuver around

im taking backshots daily. from ugly men. for the sport of it

Im the gene that controls areola size

im the multimedia wizard oooooh *turns you into a gif*

im your subway sandwich now, can you please take care of me

Imagine a gisnt shittimg in the siper boweol

imagine all the places you could hotbox in if you were 1 inch tall

imagine all the prehistoric cave creatures that never got discovered because they were so small and slimy… im so sorry dark suckler i love you…

Imagine blocking me when all I ever did was be miserable, hate on every group in existence and spread negativity and unfunny jokes

Imagine dating Gollum and he takes you home to meet his parents and as you walk in he stands up straight and starts talking normal

Imagine if Radiation man saved the day and u go up to thank him and then you die due to radiation poisoning because he’s Radiation man

imagine if your feet were made out of butter instead of flesh and bones

Imagine no burger.

Imagine that you are a dragon for a moment. Now imagine that you are devouring another dragon with your anus. If you've got a massive erection right now, you're probably into some crazy shit called voreaphilia.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

I flushed a bag of skittles down the toilet yesterday and watched a NASCAR race in 8 seconds flat.

Immediately prompted me to go look up the words ice creamo, because I want ice cream now

Impairs short-term memory and psychomotor functions. Contains cancer-causing agents. Psychologically addictive.

in 2017 we’re replacing our cerebrospinal fluid with sierra mistc3po

in a funk bc i wanna eat scrambled emu eggs

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it's jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

in a parasocial relationship with My true self

In American culture it is considered “bad luck” to leave the stove on when you’re not using it

In an odd but almost stereotypical fashion, the Hardy boys thirsted for a primitive form of blood atonement.

In fact, real users do not reply to Commodores, they find out their address and destroy their house.

In my attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

In my free time I enjoy screaming at my wristwatch.

IN ORDER TO COMPLY WITH STATE AND FEDERAL FULL DISCLOSURE REQUIREMENTS, THIS SERVES AS FORMAL NOTICE TO YOU THAT THE RATIO OF FISHERS TO FISH AT LAKE CRAIG IS ROUGHLY 10 TO 1.

in real life yoda would get eaten by a dog

in response to allegations that i have beneficial forms of bacteria housed in my digestive tract: 1) Thayt's fucking disgusting 2) I don't

In suits at common law where the contesting parties have nearly unlimited resources to spend on legal fees the right to trial by jury shall be preserved.

In the beginning was the writing. But it was dark, and no-one could read it, so the author decided to write the start again. In the beginning there was a light. But lo, the Lord did try the switch and it did not work. And so the Lord did say unto Adam: "Thou must travel down the 7-11 for a globe." And Adam did enter the temple of 7-11, and he did consult the holy one, "Dost thou have a light-globe?" [...] Adam did findeth the globes, and yea, he was shocked at the price, and there was a great wailing, and gnashing of teeth. -- The Toxic Custard Workshop Files, Part One, 1990

In the do-it-yourself column this month, we will give you a step-by-step guide on how to make your very own artificial limb! Here's what you do: First, go to your local Bacons department store. While no one is looking, steal a manakin from the clothes department. If someone notices you doing this, just tell them you're a maintenance person for the store and the manakin needs repairing. They believe it every time. Once you have the manakin, take it to the restroom in the store. Once you get it there, take its clothing off. Unscrew one of the manakin's limbs...depending on your preferance, you may want an arm or a leg. Once you are home, you will need to get out your trusty Echo chainsaw. Start it up, and cut off the type of limb on your body that you stole from the manakin. * Editor's Note: Some people have complained of severe (often fatal) bleeding while performing this project...we at the 'Enquirer are NOT to be held responsible! Attach the phony limb from the dummy, and take yours that you cut off to a taxidermist...have it stuffed, and keep it to show to your grandkids. If the artificial limb doesn't want to stick to the severed place, try applying a little Krazy-Glue to the area.

In the old days, the burger was a wet, lifeless item.

IN THE WILD, WHEN A FEMALE APE'S MATE DIES, THE NEW MATE OFTEN KILLS THE OLD MATE'S OFFSPRING.

In today's times, I am unwilling to sacrifice my job for a piece of monkey ass.

In your heart, you know it's flat.

infiltrate the crash site and recover my stogies

In the beginning, God Created man out of his own image. Was it JPEG?

Inflate balloons, then send them off.

God used fork() to create Eve.

insects who prefer warmer weather? why the fuck are you so sensitive all of a sudden. your entire body has like 2 nerves in it. you are shit

INSIDE YOU THERE ARE TWO Kidneys. Im gonna steal them

inside your body is PITCH BLACK your cells do all of that in the DARK

(inspects u through a microscope) ewwww ewwwww hahaha woahh ewww (continues looking but starts twirling my hair)

Intergalactic Warrior Kitten needs to be hidden from the CIA

Internal Memo: RE EXCESSIVE ABSENCE Due to the excessive of absences during the past year it has become necessary to put the following new rules into operation immediately. 1. SICKNESS: No excuse. The Management will no longer accept your Doctor's Certificate as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to your doctor you are able to attend work. 2. DEATH (YOUR OWN): This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two week's notice however since we feel it is your duty to train someone else for your job. 3. DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and henceforth no time will be allowed off for funerals. However, the Management has a special scheme in conjunction with the local Council for lunchtime burials, thus ensuring that no time is lost from work. 4. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have of needing an operation and henceforth no leave of absence will be granted for hospital visits. We engaged you for your particular job with all your parts and having anything removed would mean that we would be getting less of you that we bargained for. 5. VISITS TO THE TOILETS: Far too much time is spent on the practice. In future the procedure will be that all personnel shall go in alphabetical order.

Internet site saves world's soul

I have to go to Walmart to get some deoderant. But I thought it would be weird to buy just deoderant, so I thought about getting some DING-DONGs or something, but then I'd be buying DING-DONGS and DEODERANT. So I figure I might buy a shirt, but then I'd be buying DING DONGS, DEODERANT and a SHIRT. So I'm screwed no matter what I buy.

invent your own personal symbolic system

irl...but hey iam a chaos magus

irl...but hey iam a chaos magus -- overheard online

IronChef Foicite: well, there's a lot of reasons IronChef Foicite: i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks IronChef Foicite: and that's if you leave them in water IronChef Foicite: and they really only exist to be pretty IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying IronChef Foicite: "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance" IronChef Foicite: but a potato! IronChef Foicite: potatos last for fucking ever, man IronChef Foicite: in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack IronChef Foicite: that part alone makes it a good symbol IronChef Foicite: but there's more! IronChef Foicite: there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it! IronChef Foicite: and that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you" IronChef Foicite: and potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"

*irradiates you*

is a human shit considered 'nsfw'

*is cold* ... *shivers*

Is domoes stilb ope

*is flung around by unseen force*

Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

is he seriously still plapping

Is it considered paraphilia if someone likes to see men who wears polo shirts with nice collars... and behead them?

Is it disrespectful to wake 'n' bake? Like, what if you barely knew the person who died?

is national geographic playboy for zoophiles?

"Is someone in there?" I reply, "YES, YES, OCCUPIED, YEAH, THERE'S SOMEONE IN HERE" "You okay?" "YEAH I'M FINE THANKS, HOW ARE YOU?" "....Okay." They leave.

*is still vomiting* this is REALLY fucked-up shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is the man fucking lion related to the woman swallowing python

is there anything more offensive to the humble autist than an unruly shower curtain.

*is unable to charge my beam attack* no babe seriously this like never happens

Isaac Newton gets hit in the head by a Granny Smith apple and discovers sour gravity

Isn't it annoying when boards add these damn files to the zips? Well, don't worry. This is Guido Sanchez, from the BLaH file you are about to delete, and I was just pointing that out. [...] I'd like to find out so I can skewer them using the proper utensils. I mean, it would be a shame to want to give someone an iron colonic, and you find out their asshole is bigger than you thought. And me without my spoon. Gweed. Oh yah, and call Nun-Beaters Anonymous, 708,251,5094. -- BLaH zine

.iso is short for .isopod file

it can easily be sanitized for your hine parts to sit comfortably farting away.

it didnt work but i did meet a lovely swamp witch that gave me a bunch of mushrooms she said would give me magic (:

it dont even feel like june it dont even feel like any month we just floatin thru time

it gets to a point that is just weirder if they didn't fuck

It has been said that if women were ever allowed into the secret "tomb" (meeting place) of Skull and Bones, the tomb would "have to be bulldozed."

It has long been known that... = I haven't bothered to look up the original reference.

IT IS AGAINST LAKE CRAIG REGULATIONS TO PRETEND TO BE A FISH IF YOU ARE A FISHER.

it is an honor 2 be in ur computer

it is an honor 2 be in ur computer

it is foretold on the freaky slab

it is foretold on the freaky slab

It is illegal to copy any of the material on these pages, and all theft will be severly punished in your afterlife as you enter our fields in Hell....

It is not advised to try to envision this dimension for it may cause insanity, seriously.

it is NOT speculative biology. it happened. i was there

IT IS NOT THE AGE OF MAMMALS. IT IS THE AGE OF ANGIOSPERMS

"It is pretty strange. I am huge empath. But this is one only serial killer, I have empathy for. I tried to find out why. And still not sure. Maybe because his SINCERETY and honestly in his interview, which is never the case with other criminals"

IT IS THE YEAR 666X. DEVIL CHAOS HAS PLUNGED THE WORLD TO DARKNESS. IN THIS HELL REALITY, HORROR MOVIES ARE KNOWN AS "REGULAR MOVIES."

It must be So Stinky…*dreamy sigh*

It probably is kind of fun to be a parent bird and find big fat bugs to put in your child’s goalpost mouth. And the more you do it the larger your baby gets, which shows your progress. Mine is reaally big, think I’m going to get a high score this time. It has a unique skin too, I’ve never even seen this one before. Has anyone gotten that one, dark brown and white belly with stripes? It’s not even in my Wrenpedia, it has to be a really special unlock

It really doesn't feel like 4 and a half years. -- @Kancerru The last five years is not real. Solar flare sped up time. -- @sunshineskystar

It really doesn't feel like 4 and a half years. The last five years is not real. Solar flare sped up time.

it really is called DOM insertion huh…

it reeks of smells in here

It represents a succesful uprising against the rule of one of the local warlords feuding in Europe at the time.

It says, "WHO WOULD POSSIBLY TRY TO BREAK INTO A CAR THIS CRAPPY AND LEAVE A SCRATCH ON THE TRUNK?" Darwin fish hides that.

It seems ... that the odds are strongly in favor of [a hollow Earth] being our actual universe.

It smelled like someone jizzed into a Frito bag and threw it in a bum.

It takes a special kind of crazy to make an otherwise normal-looking human being choose to operate a bulletin board system.

It took practice but I finally felt that I had it down after several tries, one crying spell, and the Rocky theme playing in the background.

It was a clitorical question

It was like ecstasy his breath in my ear as he humped my padded rear end. Then he pulled my diaper back and shot his load then peed for ever

It was rainin' like a double-cunted cow pissin' off a forty-foot cliff through a screen onto a flat rock.

It was sick what they did. It was sick. They hurt it so. I don't care if it was dead. It still could hurt. Oh, the poor little thing. Why didn't they do that to me? Why didn't they? Not a baby! Not another baby! They just threw it on the fire, just like it was nothing but a piece of wood.

IT WORX EVN BETR IF YOU USE YO-BOY SLANG OR FUGGIT HOW TO SPULL THENGS RITE.

it would be fucked up if the united states was real

IT"S TEN TIMES CHEAPER WITHOUT THE MICROWAVE PACKAGING!!!!!

"It's 9:00am, time to go to bed."

It's a sad fact, but as an employer, you must realize that 73% of all employees die at work.

It's a tragedy, but take it up with God or Darwin or whatever.

it's actually so crazy how much the simpsons would fucking suck if it didn't have any of the simpsons characters. just a bunch of shots of empty houses and streets for half an hour while nothing happens. that would be so badddd lol

It's all over. Everything's ashes. Bobby died of AIDS, Jim O.D. d And Don is into vampirism.

“It's all water under the bridge.” “It's all poop in the toilet”

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I assign the tape device to null - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes.

It's because YOU ARE A FAT GREASY CREULLER SHAPED SACK OF BITTER, STEAMING, ENVIOUS SHIT!

it's been a long stressful day. pass the suicide

IT'S COMINGit-hurts-to-post

It's hot and humid out here. Like being inside a mouth. [stares with evil intent]

IT'S INVADING MY BRAIN AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT!

It's like a storm. Like a storm. It's red and black. But there's light. There's a light. It makes the fire mad! Mad! It roars! It's all black and red. All around the room. Like a storm. It's like a storm and it's got zzz-zzz-zzz heeeeeeee-bbb-b-b-b-blackness, thhheeee blackness. He's blackness. P-p-p-p. . . the black. . . the black. . . black... he . . . makes the storm. He's angry! He's angry! There's something going 'Wwwwhhhhoooooo.'"

It's like driving around in a lava lamp! Far out, brother!

It's literally stupid how obsessed some people are with killing me dead . Ultimately however; Thanks for the laughs

It's nice that loud noises don't stick to clothes like smells do. That would be really bad if they did.

It's not a hate, really. Not the passionate, well-calculated outcry against humanity that you'll see in every little rag and underground "zine." No, it's not that at all. It's a lot more intelligent. And a lot more sincere. You see, I've been thinking about the suburbs, and how much they disgust me. [...] I resent breathing the same air. I resent paying ridiculous car insurance payments because of you litigious assholes. I resent your tunnel-vision dreams of mutual funds and IRA's. -- from "Fuck Your Suburbs", Crank zine, 1994

It's not a sweating problem, it's actually mucous.

It's official, there is no hope for MK hentai.

it's thousand yard stare summer

IT'S YOUR FUCKING TURN TO STEP ASIDE AND LET HIM/HER PASS.

"It's. . . Malachi.

its all fun and games until mom finds the nerve gas sock

its dripping

its fucking dember.

its kind of fun to uninstall programs you arent using to free up space and see them all beg for their lives

its me boy the amulet speaking to you from inside your brain. leave the wizard council we dont need them!

Its mission: to get secret photographs of the United States by pointing its powerful telescopes *up*.

It’s called brutalism

It’s just me and my stupid clit against the fucking world

it’s never a normal temperature anymore it’s always some fucking bullshit

it’s not too late for a revolutionary bacteria to crawl into the wound

ive accepted that i will have to reincarnate into shitty microorganisms like 50 quadrillion times before i become something cool like an ant

ive been informed that the breaking wheel, gibbet, etc are actually 'solar punk', and possibly even Leftist

Ive been laughing my dick off...and YES...Im going to try this..

ive been raising my hell mastery quotient with faerie blood & jazz musick to prepare for the town hall thugs coming to collect my leaf waste

ive never fucked up someones pronouns this badly before, sorry

ivy: A man named William Reed's last living testament says that he is going to read his own will ivy: Will Reed's will will read: "Will Reed will read Will Reed's will".

I think I've found an excellent unit of size measurement. It's the 'I could kill you and hide your body in it' unit. People usually become very quiet after you say, "yea, I could kill you and 3 other people and hide the bodies in this"

I´m 39 years old and what is this

I’m a part of god.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!??

I’m at a hardcore show asking people why the guy on stage is yelling at us

I’m currently eating a slice of pizza so please know that while you’re scrollin through posts I’m over here, digesting

I’m in the pit flickin boogers

I’m nervous to see what the bakery looks like. The pendulum always swings back the other way whenever I have a piss easy day like yesterday. We’ll see in a mo

I’m not real. You sick puppies made me up.

I’m on that spectrum

I’m proud of you, Skeletor.

I’m really sorry for you or happy that happened idk I didn’t understand a word of this

I’m sick of the bullshit.

I’m slipping into a pig coma

I’m slowly beginning to accept the reality that 2007 was not last year but in fact almost four years ago

I’ve blocked people for being pregnant I never gave a fuck

I’ve seen you people thirst after men I wouldn’t even feed to my creature

Is it wrong to touch yourself when things like Miss Teen USA are on? <|SeveN|> j03bl0w: no. * j03bl0w touches himself in places with lots of nerve endings

look at me! i watch mtv all day! I am brainwashed into thinking pop is an excellent style of music! Road Rules! Real World! Now to go buy my $100 dollar shirt from american eagle or abercrombie because i am a consumer whore! i hate television...

JaCk5tAh: i hope you droen in your own piss

"jail isnt real," i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco

Jallak went to Hebrew school at this one temple for years...there was no rabbi, the head of the temple was the Cantor. He had long hair and he sang a lot. He would always give us long sermons about judiasm and goodness and all that, getting very very very passionate, his voice rising, tears nearly coming to his eyes as he spoke of God aa a "Great cosmic teddy bear"... It's been years since I went to Hebrew school...today I found out the Cantor had been arrested...for running a prostitution ring

i feel so american you shot someone?

Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk

Here are some helpful hints just in case you may want to send me a virus. 1. Don't threaten me repeatedly before you send the virus. 2. Don't attatch the virus to a message that says "SUCK THIS, BITCH". 3. Don't name it virus.exe.

you know, come to think of it i already have a 5 gallon aquarium hundreds of billions of pets i feed them malt and they shit out alcohol its a pretty good system actually

Jerk Me Off And I'll Suck Your Cock

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

Jimmy: no if you punched a care bare do you think it would shoot a rainbow out of its ass hooges: quite possibly hooges: or maybe sugar hooges: If that was the case, we could start a sugar plantation hooges: just breed carebears and punch them in the face and get the smurfs to harvest the sugar out of their ass

job interviewer: would you be willing to destroy and betray yourself for nothing?

John Goodman and a Parking Garage Kicked My Ass

wouldnt it be cool if there was a cow that had a door on it's side, that when you opened it up, it produced nummmy pie that's a good idea! hold on while I round up some venture capital...

JOHNNY "SUSTAINED" LIBIDO This variety of male may be even more dangerous than JOHNNY LIBIDO because at least JOHNNY LIBIDO tells the truth.

join homer, marge, lisa, and others

Join: Mr_Shroom (~Mr_Shroom@dt032n74.san.rr.com!) Good gracious. My ass is bodacious. I had no idea! Why was I not informed of my spanktacular backside? Eh? ... Don't make me lay waste to your cities! Fiiine. You big babies. Part: Mr_Shroom (~Mr_Shroom@dt032n74.san.rr.com) he's right, he did look good leaving

Jokes on you I'm barefoot right now

One time I went into a stupid donut shop to take a pee-pee. They had a sign that said: PLEASE "FLUSH TOILET" BEFORE LEAVING. Flush toilet was in parentheses. So I assumed it was code for something So I "pissed in the sink"

Julius Caesar: Fuck tu, Brute !!

lets buy cocaine and support south american independence

There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you. Have you tried epoxy? Yes, and the smell reminds me of you. Or... maybe some of that spray foam insulation... I LOVE that shit. me too! Tastes GREAT on a Triscuit. Yes ... some folks call it 'ez cheez' Burger King calls it "Ranch Dip."

Just a psa for all bugs I am going to sit in the grass for a little while and you are NOT ALLOWED to climb on me

just another long hard day of contributing to low birth rates

just ask that person out, the worst thing they can say is an esoteric incantation that topologically inverts your body

just became Profoundly sad imagining a man who doesnt hit puberty until age 99 and he dies from it

Just burped while walking down the sidewalk and the dude a couple meters ahead of me collapsed and was lifeless instantly as though shot in the head

Just Eats Every Part (JEEP)

just felt you with my feelers. Not interested. DO NOT LAY EGGS IN OR NEAR ME.

just found 3 bolts and a snail shell on da groun

just found out today that moths can make their genitals vibrate to throw off a bat’s sonarvenacavo

Just fucking deal with it alright

Just got back from putting fake ballots in a pigs mouth

just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 years ago. never be relaxed ever. im coming

just had to put down a rabid butterfly

just heard on the news that our enemies all follow the cutesy motivational shit accounts also, and draw even more power from them than we do

just introduced a local bat species into your room.

Just made about 15 servings of the worst pasta i have ever had in my entire life

just painted my toenails a lovely pearlescent blue that makes it look like my circulation is so bad i passed away without notice several hours ago

Just read that apple seeds contain cyanide. Concerning

just saw a video of a dog trying to eat a condom and cried . Every thing is so fucked. This has never happened before

Just saw an adult man growl at a qr code on the wall

Just saw my doctor type "FUCKED FOR LIFE" on my chart then he turned the screen away and stopped making eye contact with me

just stressed myself out until i died

JUST TO CLARIFY THE PRICE IS $.07 USD...I WILL ONLY BE ACCEPTING POSTAL MONEY ORDERS, CERTIFIED BANK CHECKS OR COLD HARD CASH (OR COIN FOR THAT MATTER).

Just watched a bug give up and die

be right back it's time for my daily sacrifice of a virgin you're committing suicide?!

I wish that it was possible to edit car honks sometimes someone tries to cut me off, but i always see it coming and speed ahead of them So I'm thinking I get some LOTR Gandalf bumper sticker on my back bumper I'd like to be able to hit the steering wheel and have them hear this booming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" as I go by

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed into a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves...Here's Tom with the weather.

so if i made a million $ american and moved to canada.....i'd be richer?

Keep Cock Teasing

Kenaz1220: ill choke your as out fuker!

Â«+kennyvÂ» drakkhen: heh, a buddy of mine offered me a p3 800mhz for 80 bucks about a year ago Â«+kennyvÂ» but i was like "GRRR FUCK INTEL BITCH" Â«+kennyvÂ» then i carved an amd logo into my chest with an old isa sound card

<@|KFG|Candle[DDD]> im from uganda <@cylyk> interesting <@cylyk> i'm canadian! <@|KFG|Candle[DDD]> actually im not from uganda <@|KFG|Candle[DDD]> where is canada? <@swolf> its an american expansion pack

kgbvax? kremvax? Chernenko actually use a terminal? Do you really believe all that? Would you like to buy some desert land? -- reply to the kremvax April Fools post, Usenet, 1984

*kicks your carcass* OMMGGG *kicks it again* EWWW

so it was my mate's funeral the other day the parents asked his girlfriend to choose a song that he liked. and between them they picked out "Bombtrack" by Rage Against The Machine. So, just before the coffin disappeared to be cremated, Zach de la Rocha is screaming "burn, burn, yes you're gonna burn". Funniest. Funeral. Ever.

Kill the part of you that feels like you need to put a bra on before people come over

“It’s clearly fetish content” YAY!!!!!

“kill them with kindness” wrong, chain lightning.

KillKillKillKillKillKillKillKillKillKillKillalluringapex

king gizzard and the lizard wizard is like music made on a conveyor belt

king jizzer and the wizard pisser

King Kong: Fuck, it's a long way down !

Tuesday was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication and the other involves a groundhog.

*kisses ur forehead**I absorb and consume one precious memory*

KitterLittie> Man, this sucks KitterLittie> I just sat down to poo, but before I even sit down I hear this big *KERSPLOOOSH!* KitterLittie> So I'm all freaked out, wondering how that happened, I jump and turn around... KitterLittie> Turns out that I forgot I had the TV remote in my back pocket before I took my pants down :(

h1 u wnat 2 d8? no nall, you're too l8 :( but it is r f8 maybe you should w8 because we just can't rel8 but we r old enuf 2 m8 you can't put food on my pl8 but when im with u i feel gr8 i thought we were going fishing i already bought the b8 maybe i should give you another chance with a clean sl8

kixor: well, how are you going to get around the north american ip ban? Kovia: duh, last i checked i live in texas Kovia: and texas is south america Kovia: way to go, idiot

where are u guys from? I am from the Netherlands netherlands is in usa ?

Knock the Pants off that Ass!

Knocked up my workplace with my 40 hour long week and it gave birth to a beautiful baby paycheck

knockin out his tonsil stones with the strap

Knocks all of this bullshit off the counter

knowing when not to open the comments is a skill

Known issue, and not limited to the far-right. We've all seen more than a few leftists get off to violence against pigs,...

Known Troma Films: Blades Blurb: Just when you Thought it was Safe to Putt! Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid Blurb: He's all action... He's all man... He's all over the place! Death to the Pee Wee Squad Dialing for Dingbats Class of Nuke'Em High Blurb: Readin', Writin' and Radiation! Fortress of Amerikkka Blurb: Where the Brave Must Fight to be Free! -- from a Troma filmography, "strangeness" zine, 1994

knuckle tat that just says Hi

Knuckle tattoo that says %APP DATA

For the record, I want to get a copy of that one video of JFK getting shot, so I can dub in the Unreal Tournament 'HEADSHOT!' sound clip. Lee_Harvey_Oswald is on a KILLING SPREE. So what does that make the film of Ruby shooting Oswald? Lee_Harvey_Oswald's Killing Spree has been ended by Jack_Ruby. Jack_Ruby was looking good until he died of cancer in prison! And then the chat window could come up and say "JFKennedy: OMG camper fagz"

you know those bathrooms at football stadiums where like a bunch of guys just stand next to each other and piss in em? they had a smaller version of that in this restaraunt and I looked up while I was taking a piss and there was a mirror I started messing with my hair and I pissed all over myself and everyone behind me had this horrified look hahaha, so you were pissing in the fucking sink? huh? ...fuck

I can't believe I just took a shit in my bathing suit at the beach. What the fuck? I cant stand up and take it to the ocean, because I am wading in a puddle of feces at this very moment. Any change in my seating position will send my poo spilling down my legs and into view of every sunbather within 30 feet of me. There is no way I can play this off as a fart. It doesn't help at all that I've been spun out for 3 days. I can hardly see straight! How am I possibly going to explain this to my wife when she comes back from getting chili dogs to ask me what the fuck I just did in the presence of my children? She'll make me drop trau in front of everyone again. There it is. The family on the blanket to the right of me just asked if I could smell "that". I gotta go.

Why is it called PUBLIC hair if it's on a "private" part? you moron! it's not PUBLIC, it's PUBIC uh... really!?!? HOLY SHIT! what? hehe, now I see why my girlfriend laughed when I asked her "why don't you shave your public hair?"

I tried to use an ouija board as a mouse-pad once, but my stupid ing mouse kept opening diablo2 when I wasn't watching

Kristopolous: I don't think we should have thermometers, speedometers, or odometers. Kristopolous: This is America damn it! Kristopolous: Thermofeet, speedofeet, and odofeet for me, thank you very much!

KUBSCHA: GOSSMACK ION RADIO

either this CD player is possessed or it's trying to tell me to take out this Avril Lavigne CD i would think it was these cheap ass CDrs i bought but my christina aguilera retail CD does it too Ted, every insight into your CD collection reveals more of a damaged, lonely man. :)

Good day prospective employer, I am both smarter than a hatful of periwinkles and prettier than two bags of smashed assholes. Fail to employ me at your own risk.

kushblazer6662di have these really old blunts that im not gonna roll up so ive been chopping them up and smoking them in a bowl like a centimeter at a time. is that better or worse than just smoking them as a whole cigarillo

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

La La La, I'm so high

ok riddle me this I open the pack of cigarettes pull out one pick up my lighter put the cigarette back in the pack then try to light my nose... What the fuck, over.

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

LADIES--- call me Global Thermonuclear War cause my game is mad strange and if you come back to my place I'll keep buggin you to play chess

LADIES— call me Katrina because the governments not going to care when i ruin your home

I forgot I downloaded the best of the 70s disco * lagmagnet burns out to cd to listen on the train tomorrow "best of 70s disco" dude, you got ripped.. there is no such thing! hah fuck off :) 70s disco rocks :) yeah, but then you run out of cocaine true :(

Lance XOX: I will dye with satin

Language motherfucking do you speak it

Laptop fan hungry. Feed it 152 loose dog hairs.

Last night 300000 of my followers tragically perished. While im saddened by the news, I never met most of them and do not really give a shit

Last night as I went to bed, I put on a diaper, like usaul! When in the middle of the night comes I wake up and wet my diaper so I don't have to get up! I did not have anything to drink before bed so I wasn't weiring about waking up. That's right I didn't wake up. Morning came...I woke up thinking my diaper was dry. I thought about how the day was going to be. But as I was getting out of bed I realized I had wet my diaper in my sleep! I tryed to remember if I did wake up in the middle of the night to wet them but I hadn't. Cool...I have this hyonsis tape that sometimes I lesten to, maybe that is the cause of it? I don't know but I hope this happends more and more Congratulations. Hopefully, you'll start wetting the bed on a regular bases soon. *sigh* I love being a baby.

Last night we let the salt rock

Last surviving trilobite found in 4 gallon fishbowl filled with dyed rainbow gravel, pink plastic plants and SpongeBob decorations

latches onto you with my sucker

LAUGHING AT THE VERY IDEA OF THIS MYTHIC "POLICE MAN" WHO SUPPOSEDLY HAS THE ABILITY TO STOP ME FROM RIPPIN UP CRAB LEGS ON THE CHURCH FLOOR

Laughing my ass off in here. Thought i was the biggest loser in the universe, but you are worse man. Keep on the bad works Arf Arf Arf ARf

Laura, he said as a sort of epitaph to his meal, You were an F student, a B- Fuck, and an A+ meal.

Laura, i will kill your bunny

Lava lamp wizard

"Laying down stoned in the back of a pickup going 100 is fun."

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Learn to use your magical powers inside you. We all have them we have just lost our way. Come inside and learn how to get them back. I have found some very interesting things about ESP and much more I can show how to use ESP NOW. I can teach you how to use your Magical powers.NO BULLSHIT IT REALLY WORKS..

Leeches are a wide spread species, and come from all over the US, even from Montana.

Legion Kreinak: The world's so fuckin' politically correct these days. Before you know it, we'll be required to call black & white cookies african american & caucasian cookies! Dragon Phoenix: I could just see that on crayons...

lemonlimeskull: So I'm sitting in Hardee's (Carl's JR for anyone here one the west coast) lemonlimeskull: This huge African American dude sits across from me at the booth. Plenty of tables around, of course, since this is Hardee's. lemonlimeskull: Since I don't usually have uninvited guests at fast food restaurants, I'm naturally a bit put off while simultaniously wondering what the deal is. lemonlimeskull: The guy goes "Hey, man what you do for a living?" lemonlimeskull: I must've looked really confused, but I manage to answer "Game designer... Why?" lemonlimeskull: The guy sits there for a good thirty seconds, looking out the window over my shoulder. lemonlimeskull: Then he finally looks me straight on and says "Good, lemme ask you a question..." lemonlimeskull: "Why don't Pacman wanna eat eyes?" lemonlimeskull: I just gave him this really quizzical look, then he gets up and leaves. lemonlimeskull: After a few seconds of wondering wtf that was all about, I look out the window over my shoulder and see about five police cars slowly driving off into the distance. lemonlimeskull: The worst part is...... WHY doesn't Pacman wanna eat eyes?!

“less is more” is a lie perpetuated by big small to sell more less

let me justt play devil's advocate here and say that eating shit is really good and im a dumb shithead and i love shit

let me put my nothing in your nowhere

Let me tell you one thing buddy... I wish I had a M-16 and about 5 minutes alone with you ---you aren't nothing but a slime bag....

let's all green out together and pass away

LET'S FUCKING FRISBEE

***LET'S SWAP: MY SOUL FOR A CUBS CHAMPIONSHIP***

letd go eat parts of that guys car

Lets all suck on glass together and make the aquarium clean for everyone

lets give it up for pleasures of the flesh !!

lets groove tonight .. impaled on spikes of life

lets play throw each other down the concrete staircase

lets see..... when prey wiggles inside me. when prey messages my insides. yiffing is a plus on the way down any kinb. hmmm so much but i figure those are the best ones....so i'll give you that for now till i feel like posting a full list note: im so damn yiffy it ant funny

Let’s click each other

so, at this college there was an extra credit question "Is hell endothermic or exothermic" this is what one kid wrote: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic). Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic). So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a relationship with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic. the kid was the only one who got credit

i challenged god to a duel once the next day my rabbit died i guess i lost :(

Life hack: add white chocolate chips and sea saltmxxnlit-witch

Life is one big yeehaw and then you die

life is so much better when you have a work of fiction to obsess over#teehee

Lifetime supply of hot sauce

Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

like first of all its not smoke its like some other shit

like girl get a life, commission your oc shitting

Hey jen, ya wanna come over and we can wrap ourseves in plastic, shit ourselvves, and then eat our own shit while listening to MC hammer? Ewwwww gross! That's fucked up! Why would you even THINK I'd want to listen to MC Hammer?? .

LIMP BIZKIT LOOKALIKES TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!!!!!!!

Listen bitch i don't know who you are but that shit about Jesus Peeded on me Is bull shit ok you have no fuckin heart to say that FAT WHORE

listen kid. try the sleep burger at dream diner. go down doze avenue and make a right at the stoplight. head down and take a left on the corner of 66th sheep and napland. dont forget your pillow and blanky – this one’ll knock you right out.

listen lets be real, *pulls up a chair, sits on it backwards* on the real *flips chair over, lays on it* really real *climbs under chair*

listen to me. stop doomscrolling. put down your phone. you need to get your shit together. take an edible right now. a big one. take a big edible immediately. now go turn on the scariest movie you can think of and get comfortable. got all that? good. this will be good for your mindfulness and cognitive behavior.

listen., pal, if you think im the kind of guy who doesnt wipe his ass, you're barkin up the wrong tree. my ass needs all the help it can get

litany against the sunk cost fallacy (If It Sucks Hit Da Bricks)

literally just add more garlic

Little known fact.....the pedals in a PT Cruiser are spaced further apart to accommodate crocs

little stinkbug STRUGGLING to produce even a slightly foul stench.

Liu Kang voice I showed Outworld that loud smoke, could be medicine.

Local alternatives to "Cowboy Up!"

Local Dyke Massages a Sandwich

I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

loincloth will be making a comeback

Lol my large and handsome pig didn’t find Anything of interest in your yard

Long live bad taste!

look at my thoughts boy

look at the excitement in his body language

Look at this crazy fish

look out for the car with the words "INCEST DEATH" painted on the hood thats always going like 20-30 mph under the speed limit, that ones me

LOOK, DORK, IT'S REAL EASY, TYPE 'LOGIN'

looking at pictures of turds, frowning, shaking my head "thats a bad one... mine would never look that bad"

Looking for a dead deer

Looking for Brand new enemies to spice things up a bit. You must have a mean streak the size of the Grand canyon or smaller. Must be prepared with skillful verbal jabs to throw at me . Must have evil intent .

Looking to trade my SOUL for a Wii

Los Angeles, 1948 Everybody used magic.

** LOST DOG ** 3 legs, Blind in left eye, Missing right ear, Tail broken, Recently castrated... Answers to the name of "LUCKY"

Lost: 4.5 Hours of my life - PLEASE RETURN

[loucura] yummm... french fries and gravy [Crysanna] you need cheese with that [loucura] Yeah, but I don't feel like melting any cheese. [loucura] That, and all I have is american cheese, I'm afraid it'll go to war with my french fries

Love how liquid comes out of sooo many different types of holes on this planet

love it when people say hung instead of hanged when referring to gallows like LOL nice compliment but they are getting killed for real

love wearing all black in public i hope no large gaseous heat emitting orb in the sky comes along and makes my day worse

Loveing the fuckpigbippusMar

Low-concept science fiction

*lubes up* aww yeah thats the stuf fapfapfapfap

I think it's delightfully ironic that the aisle across from the valentines stuff at Walmart features family size bottles of vaseline.

Lunatic: All those opposed to the patriot act raise your right hand Lunatic: Raise your hand high Lunatic: Now raise the other one Lunatic: Hands behind your back Lunatic: you're under arrest for treason

I got Fight Club for 6.98 at walmart. I am Jack's low price guarantee

ma... pa... i done swallered a lil lego feller... and i ain't feelin so good

macaroni and she's

<|mac|> Had a job in Govt, my mind misfired, I got fired, Maryland says if you get fired from state service cant come back for 3 years mac did you chainsaw kill someone at work? I thought it was damn near impossible to get fired form those jobs. <|mac|> no sideshowmike I had a nervous breakdown and shit on my supervisors desk whoa

Made a lowball offer on eBay as a joke and it got accepted. uh oh.

made an awesome sandwich its time to sit on a steel beam high above thecity skyline and eat it

Made banana bread and it tastes like Chernobyl aftermath

AMERICA'S ARMY defend freedom. online. with some 13 year olds.

it will be nice to be back in america I feel the same way having come from alabama

Magic 8 Ball - Will I Get Laid Tonight?

magic isn't always “find connection with all things in the universe,” sometimes it's just “make tasty soup” or “shrivel your kidneys” yknow how it is

“magic mushrooms”? uhm, actually, all mushrooms are magic, so jot that down

MAGIC SPRINKLES for Kirkland!

Magic wand to solve life's problems

Magic witch cookbox

Magician confesses invasion coming eminent at dawn of darkness speaks inner eye winger of dooms fire. Awareness is your Key to escape. Spiderorchard

magine having jared subway on a leash and when people annoy you, you threaten to release him

main(){printf("This is the extent of Ang3ldust's C programming ablility");} -- Fake-NickServ bot readme by Ang3ldust, v1.01

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Make up your own words to the songs.

makeing a bad gril good always a boy never a gril but im realy a bad gril at heart HELLO BABYS

makes up a sandwich to get hungry at

makes you imagine the sound of a bowling ball striking pins

Makes you smell my fingers and you fall to your knees and look up at the sky

making eye contact with the giant centipede while i beat off

making my humidifier and dehumidifier participate in a cruel and pointless war

Male beauty is my special interest, dude

Man if you're going to be mean and least get it right. I smoked crack. I would never have wasted coke on snorting it.

man im talking tickle down economics

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Man who fly upside-down have crack up!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

MAN, I RIPPED THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT OF THE ENTERTAINMENT CENTER LIKE A KUNG FU NINJA AND WHIPPED THAT BITCH AT THE FLOOR WITH ALL OF MY STRENGTH.

if east timor can be a nation.. is there really any reason my bathroom can't be?

so our friend, she's in the part of med school where you do all the genital exams and shit and prostrate exams, etc and a couple weeks ago, they had to do it on a real person for the first time. and so she was very nervous so she's doing the exam, she does the front and everything is ok and she does the back door and she gets through it all but at the very end, as she finishes she didn't know how to tell the dude she was done, so she slapped him on the ass i had tears running down my face for 10 minutes after she told the story alright bitch, im done with your bunghole *smack the funny part was the dude was like 60, too

MANG MANG MANG MANG MANG MANG MANG.

mantises are the closest living thing to centaurs

the other guitarist in my band owns my soul i sold it to him in third grade for a peanut butter cup he still has the little yellow paper

ManuelMADMAX: CANNIBASL CORPSE

many are asking me about "hamburger 2.0" . I will say more of it in due time.

Many people died each of them uniquely

Many people report staring into the hypnotic blink effect above during this process helps to settle their stomachs before viewing the gruesome images ahead...

many will attempt to "end" the hug after only five to ten seconds of holding you. crucially, this is where the claws come into play

Many years ago, before I was born, a DC-10 crashed near my soon-to-be house, and everyone on it was killed. That area was turned into a Dog training area for the police, but when people intrude on the area, they sometimes have claims of seeing people walking around, searching almost for something or someone. Could the police be using dead souls to have their Dogs chase down? Abiogenesis (ab-i-o-jen`-a-sis) n. (Biol.) The theory of spontaneous generation from non-living matter [Gk. a-: neg.: bios, life, genesis, birth].

March- More disgusting nerds challenging me to css, I attempt to peacefully, civily decline, but am butchered with threats. I have no choice but to face them. Now, understand this, my own personal safety was at risk in these matches. I HAD to feign to be terrible at css.

Mario and Luigi's mutilated corpses were later found stuffed in a warp pipe.

Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

Marxism: The State takes your doughnut away and gives it to someone who hasn't got a doughnut.

MARY MOTHER OF JESUS, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" WHAT THE HELL?

Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem.

Masculine and feminine are over. Its just The Urge now. The desire. The torment.

Masterbatung, squierting, its all in my wheelhouse .

funeral was for my uncle <[OmegentooX]> Did he die? that seems to be the popular opinion

Mattbot80: The creepiest thing happened at work the other day i went to the bathroom and there was a female janitor cleaning it and i was like shit i'll have to come back later she sees me and says something in spanish i have no idea what she said but she had like an evil witch cackel a hispanic guy had walked in behind me and told me she had invited me to go ahead it creeped me out DaShizza: You seriously should have just whipped it out, did you really have anything to lose? Mattbot80: Well i went the urinal and whipped it out thinking that's creepy but she wouldn't be able to see anything but my back but then she starts mopping around my feet and then she put the mop between my legs and hit my foot and i was like fuck this i'm gone i'll piss myself if i need to. Mattbot80: It was the most akward momownt i've ever had in a bathroom DaShizza: hahahha i just showed my co-worker hahah, thats hysterical Mattbot80: Glad you enjoyed it this may very well cause deep emotional scarring and a phobia of public bathrooms or female janitors

i had a cable repair call at this arian nation nazi guys house today funny his name was joseph black i told him thats ironic he got pissed

may i humbly suggest these?[ID: a photo of a pair of thigh-high dark blue suede boots with high gold heels. They are covered with bead embroidery of stars and zodiac constellations.]bee-barf

May I please have 1 everything

may i proffer a dark curse?

maybe i do want a lava larmp

MAYBE IF THERE WAS ANY HOT FUCKING WATER COMING OUT OF THE SHOWERHEAD IT WOULD HELP WITH THESE DISEASES AND SHIT AND INFECTIONS THAT YOU ERRONEOUSLY THINK WILL WASH AWAY, BUT THERE'S NOT, OKAY.

Maybe if we didn't give serial killers such cool names like "The Night Stalker", and we'd instead call them "The Small PeePee Killer" we'd have less serial killers

Maybe it's fred's psycho leer that's putting shaggy off the suckage.

maybe we’re looking at the same moon at the same time tonight

IAN VAN DAHL CASTLES IN THE SKY 8.99 Genre: SOUL/R&B Released: 12/19/1900 Country: USA this song is older then i thought haha AHHHHHHHHH MILLLENIUM BUG WE ALL GONNA DIE * Crom hides.

mdvb: Matt, you not watching the State of the Union? strestout1: ill tell u the state of the union strestout1: we're losing jobs, the economy is going to shyt, the whole world hates us strestout1: god bless america strestout1: the end

me and a bunch of stupid assholes are going to start a community in the middle of the desert to either die or prove a very important point

me and my boys gathering around a boulder during the supermoon. we r going to beat the shit out of it. this is the only night it's possible

me and my massive throbbing enormous dripping guilt complex

“Me and the girls staying up reading coroner’s reports”

me and the guy I've locked in a cage and an poking with a sharp stick are both behaving poorly. We both have bad attitudes. I'm brave enough to admit that

/me casts lvl 10 erection on newk

me online shopping: *violently comes out of a trance* what have I done…

Me, accumulating worldly possessions: this is awesome!Me, moving worldly possessions: this blows!

me: "What the fuck are you doing man?" him: "...nothing" me: "you aren't playing with yourself out here are you?" him: "Maybe" me: "well...I really think you should do that in your own home, not my bushes ok" him: "ok" me: "get the fuck out of here"

ME: waiter...give me a shitty joe
WAITER: (wow..this guy just ordered a sloppy joe in a bad ass way i never heard before. powerful move.) Ok

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Meanwhile just under it in tiny text: ᵜᵢⁿᶜᵉⁿᵗ ᴬˢᵗᵒʳ ᵈᵢᵉˢ ᵃᵗ ⁶⁷ ᵒᶠ ʰᵉᵃʳᵗ ᵃᵗᵗᵃᶜᵏ

meeking a smee

my dad gets junkmail from all over the world hes had em from, belgium, france, austria, australia, Canada, America, Argentina, Russia and the Czech Republic and also Jamaica its his mailorder bride catalogues you get them too??

<^Melchior^> MY NAMES BUSH!... HELP MY FIND IRAQ'S NUCLEAR WEAPONS, ORDER YOUR VERY OWN "FIND MR. SADDAMS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DETECTION KIT", Kit Includes: Darts and a Map

Members of a religious cult in Thailand routinely ate the feces and dead skin of their leader, whom they considered to be a holy man with healing powers.

Memory-starved RAM butts user groupie to death. (New pix: sheep)

meows loud as fuck shattering all glass within 3 miles no survivors

according to Time-Warner, if you channel surf or mute commercial breaks you are a thief so lemme see, if I download MP3s the RIAA hates me, if I dub a movie off HBO the MPAA hates me, if I skip commercials the TV execs hate me... am I allowed to store leftover pizza in the fridge and eat it the next day, or will Pizza Hut sue me?

mess around in notepad for long enough and you start realizing things

Metro - The Underground Hell of DC

you shoulda taken it back to walmart lol they take anything back dude serisouly I was read to just throw it away and buy a new one instead of go through the hassle you could bring in a box of used rubbers there and theyd be like "was there anything wrong with them? " <[xENo]> just set the kid on the counter lol

microdosing hell by being awake and literate

microwave for three hours

Microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Midcentury fact: people in the 1970s were happier because conversation pits allowed gatherings closer to the earths center and therefore encouraged psychic healing. They also had many narcotic drugs

might fuck around and save my own life one day at a time

IT AIN'T ROCKET SURGERY PEOPLE.

millenials try this: use your barbels to search for food in murky water

MINISOTTTAAAA SSUCCCCKKSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 YOU'RE ALL FAGGOTS WHO STEAL MUSIC!!!!

Minnesota is not an independent libertarian republic located on an idyllic palm-shrouded island in the Carribean. It is in the Midwest. (The last point bears repeating. Please reread it.)

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."

MISSING: Half a Cockroach

MISSING: Half a Cockroach. I guess all the bug guts glued this HALF OF A BUG onto the floor.

MISSION PUNK'S DRINKING OLYMPICS 2002 QR Code Link to This Post DEAR FRAT BROTHERS & SORORITY SISTERS, I AM INVITING YOU TO THE MISSION FOR THE MARINA VS.

MisVampyre: i'm so outta questions....i'm horrible at asking them rhys_rhaven: questions are cute rhys_rhaven: but the real way to understand a person is simple rhys_rhaven: you wind a cord around the top of the biggest pair of stairs you can find rhys_rhaven: and then you wait till a person is about to walk down the stairs, where they will obviously trip and have horrible things happen to them rhys_rhaven: and then you walk 20 feet way. and you put a thing of frozen bacon in a skillet rhys_rhaven: and you make the skillet so it can only be heated by a locked drum underneath it, which can be lit only by a single pilot light, which you then line with det cord trailing to a small mortar next to it. which you fill with kittens rhys_rhaven: hungry, meowing kittens MisVampyre: oh. my. god. rhys_rhaven: And lastly you put a timer on the on the propane for the bacon. So they have a choice rhys_rhaven: save the person rhys_rhaven: save the kittens rhys_rhaven: or eat the bacon MisVampyre: you're awesome MisVampyre: omg..eat the bacon rhys_rhaven: Thats it. I love you

mmmmmm this apple so crisp now i know why pigs kill and cook themselves to eat it

this utility has a macro recording function but no loop command so i record a macro, and then put a stapler on the keyboard to hold the button down and go have coffee i note that the stapler, on the whole, is a more efficient and productive employee than i am

They could make a TV show about IRC. Call it "American Idle"

Moon shaped anomaly in the sky tonight

ok, here's what we do we break into AOL HQ and instead of the AOL setup utility, we put metallica mp3s on all of the startup cds

Moral: To really screw things up it takes a bureaucrat.

More Features Of GEnie (directly from advertisement/comments by me) Make Friends (Dont think the owner of the credit card you used will be too friendly. Do You?) Schedule Meetings (all you hackers can convene in the 'CB Area' together) Gather Facts & Figures (such as how to hack certain systems) Set-up Travel Reservations (You're gonna piss the owner of that card off) Get the News Be entertained (At GEnie's expense, Pretty Amusing Huh?!) Even shop for a fraction of what other Info. Services Cost (Yeah, Free) Direct quote from GEnie ad: Stay On Longer For Less (hehehe, if they only knew) -- TIC Inc's guide to defrauding GEnie, 1987

MORE RACCOON FOOD AND CHICKEN WINGS THAN ANY HUMAN COULD EVER NEED.

I was once driving along the freeway,and a friend through some garbage out the window, and this lady ran over it So she started chasing us So I started going like 150-180 km/h down the freeway to get away, and she followed me So I eventualyl pulled over, and she gets out of her car and runs up and goes "WHAT THE HELL, WHY WERE YOU DRIVING SO FAST YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE, I HAVE A BABY IN THE CAR YOU KNOW"

mornings are for coffee and sertraline

morshed potater

MortalTerror2: ANGLE OF DEATH IS A GREAT SONG BY SLYER!

MortalTerror2: metallica is classic rock

MortalTerror2: they play metallica on the classuc rock channel now

MortalTerror2: well jason newstaed has left metallica

MortalTerror2: YES HETAFEELDS RYTHEM IS HARD TO PLAT CAUSE METALLICA IS AWSOME

most american flags you see are fakes but if you find the real one and burn it then america stops existing and communism wins

MOST HUMBLING MOMENT: ONETIME I WALKING DOWN RED CARPET AT FOREST CREATURE AWARDS AND I STEP IN DOG DOO.

motaro outsmoked me so bad i almost broke my ankle

mother earth deserves punishment pollution for allowing innocent cave women to die of mal nutrition. If she did not want big loud cars and boats and gasoline she should have produced more berryseeds for females. But she didn't make enough nut fruits so i start trash fires at all times

Mothers Against Drunk Driving is a lot of good intentions, but in the end it boils down to PURE HOGWASH

Motorbreathx420: if you ever tralk like that to me i am going to find oput where you live and kick the shit o

Mountain Unicyclers: I've seen you in the fells and there is only one word for you BADASS!!!!!!!!

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

Mr. Joyce and Mr. Hemingway did a certain amount of drinking together. The author of “Ulysses” was a thin, wispy and unmuscled man with defective eyesight. When they were making the rounds of the cafes and Mr. Joyce became embroiled with a brawler, as he frequently did, he would slip behind his hefty companion and cry, “Deal with him, Hemingway. Deal with him!”

Mrs claus and i just had our biggest fight yet

tuesday night Im going to a funeral home why?

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Music is like if stupid was a sound!

must feel so good to be soil absorbing rain

MUST HAVE A STRONG CLIENT BASE AND KNOWLEDGE OF THE SEATTLE/TACOMA AREA !!

MUST LOVE DOGS!

My body is a machine that turns food into diarrhea

My bongwater has developed it's own ecosystem

MY BUSH MAKES THEIR TOWER EXPLODE

my constant evil thoughts, by virtue of sheer nastiness, have manifested outwardly and rendered me physically grotesque, yet still kind of hot too. do you like me?

my crayons all melted together.

My cytoplasm hurts

my dead wife. the ad free internet

My degree is in Communications and I have been working for the last two years for a private advertising company for peanuts; guess what the city of LA is paying me to do this job!?!??!!??!?...ready?....listening?...ready?... .........$72,000 DOLLARS A YEAR...HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHA SUCKAS!

my dinner just hissed at me

my dog approaches me, rolls over on its back, and i vomit all over its stomach. undoing 9 years of trust with this animal

my dog just cut his own head off so forgive me if i seem stressed out or saying stupid things

My dragon ass could never work at the car dealership

MY EDIBLE JUST KICKED IN

my ex used to get pissed off every time i showed them this video they would be like “that's not how a train works” really angrily and storm out of the room

My eyes bulged out of my head when I read the sign "DO NOT FLUSH TOILET, IF YOU DO, YOUR SAMPLE WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED."

My family is away and so far for dinner I've had two carrots dipped directly into hummus tub, bourbon, and 7,000 peanuts

my favourite part was where the guy farted a greeting.

My first sandwich from hell (Lunch) Hope U read this..

my foot hanging off the bed i don't even care anymore just let the monster take me ...

My forums were open for only 2 hours before the internet terrorist group “LUE” filled them with hundreds of pictures of decomposing fetuses and gay porn.

My goal is to eventually destroy this company from the inside.

my hamburger ass could never be helped

My hard-on just fucking went limp and fell off.

"My head would explode if I didn't get a strange piece of ass every day." - JFK, June 11, 1962

my high horse is actually awesome and fast like the wind

My horrible clamping beak can tear through woven fibers and wood grain like butter

my job at the corpse bile processing plant is to taste test the corpse bile

My lack of any sense of morality insures I'll steal everything not permanently nailed down.

My Life on Planet Earth: Alf's Secret Diary Hard to believe that it's been more than two years since my spaceship landed on Earth. Although, technically, it wasn't really a landing. Landings are made right side up at less than Mach 2, and without teeth flying around the cabin. So let's call it a "controlled crash." I could have ended up on Weinberger, a pitless planet inhabited by mimes. It's pathetic to watch an entire population pretend to be trapped inside a glass box. I'm trying my best to set an example by living up to the old Melmacian proverb: "Eat, drink and lighten up, for tomorrow you might get audited."

"My life's savings is 12 cents."

My Magic 8 Ball Lied to Me. Again.

My magical senses could detect his virgin blood surging with desire every moment I was near him.

My ministrations of pleasure and affection amid the hubub of familial excitement soon turned into thoughts of defenestration as I set about assembling my newest toy.

My music is of THE best taste in the world. My devotion towards music was established in 7th grade, with my first Marilyn Manson cd (yea wow). My step dad, Todd, said that music has become a drug of mine. A drug, meaning... that I use go to it to relieve myself, to escape from my own reality...(a drug is something that makes you want more, and something that is used to an extent of abuse)...so...my drug is my music....yeah, i'm weak...

my musician... oughh my little bug [remembers parasocial relationships are bad] [remembers infantilization is bad] this complete stranger is their own huge bug

my mustard gas detector wont stop going off for some reason

My name is Dewey Decimal and THIS is my system

"My name is Legion. I am going to kill you!

My normal caffeination regimen:

my opponent thinks hes hot shit releasing photos of me walking an iguana on a leash., but little does he know that iguana is Gentle creature

my oubliette doesnt even work right anymore every so often some piece of shit just fucking climbs out

My pet bacteria just walked into a puddle of hand sanitizer and died

my pet rock die can i get a 10 likes

My photons touched your photons, what’s next for us

my pillhead uncle is trying to hire a samurai to assassinate his parole officer

My plan to create a perfectly flat and level Kansas by moving 5,501 cubic miles of earth from west to east. It’s the ideal Kansas. Still some details to work out about rivers, roads, etc. Watch out for the 900-foot cliff bisecting Kansas City.

my plot to take over the world is thickening.

My Pops use to slang to him. He like speed balls coke & heroine. I walked by him when I was young I almost shit my pants. True story.

My soul for original recipe 20 pc bucket

my soul has been stolen

my stim is slapping ppl who make fun of my other stims

my stupid ugly bullshit dot com

My thingy warm as cocoa

My uncle's old border collie once tried herding salmon that were swimming upstream

my vision for the nintendo punch out brand is a game where you can punch dumptsers, piles of shit & fat ugly penises and just win every time

of course with all the pro- USA, rah, rah, crap we hear... i probally just ignored it ah damn, i'm sorry about that ah teens and guns. yes i have read a few stories on that topic. as an american, i'm going to have to appologys *appologies? soemthing like that fuck it i'm an american i don't have to spell

the only thing that gets him away from eq is beer at least he hasn't totally sold out what we need is a helmet we can strap onto him... with tubes that go down his thoat... and you hook it up to the puter... and it dispenses beer every time he gets a frag then he'll play q3

Dude I had a fucking crazy night last night yeah? So you know how Jason is basically a crazy redneck? well we were sitting around drinking when he just pipes up "let's go hunting guys!" we're in the middle of the city, right, but we're sort of drunk, so me, Mike and Aaron go for it We head out to the park, drinking from the camelback of course, and see these fucking geese; Just hundreds of fucking geese sleeping by the river. we're just kind of stumbling around laughing, but Jason takes a fence post, UPROOTS the motherfucker, and just Braveheart charges this field of geese the geese start going apeshit as he's swinging like mad, just honking like crazy tearing up the river the three of us don't know what to do, but three generations of inbreeding sure as hell did. The fucker cracks one of the geese over the head, and it's just frozen, sort of stunned without a second of hesitation, Jason grabs his dull ass pocket knife and just pounces on the goose, stabbing wildly, and let me tell you.. there's a fuckton of blood in a goose this thing is hemorrhaging blood, completely covering him, but he keeps stabbing it wtf dude? that's fucking nuts just listen, it gets worse We are completely dumbfounded, we don't know what the fuck just happened, but we're pretty sure it's extremely illegal we decide to wrap up the goose in Aaron's jacket and take it back to the apartments so we walk like 3 miles back, and take it to the field by the power station Jason's not done though, he takes his dull blade and SKINS THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE takes out the entrails, the whole nine yards, takes for fucking ever at this time Mike is turning pale, he's looking up all the laws we'd broken, and he kept yelling about some security guard watching us I told him to stop being paranoid, but he wouldn't let up so he grabs the goose and just fucking chucks it, as hard as he can over towards the freeway needless to say we were pissed, but we weren't about to spend all night looking for that shit So we snuck home, drunk, hungry and defeated Now that's a fucking adventure yeah, I know, but just imagine this episode of cops: four college age guys, drunk, walk out of a darkened field in the middle of a city at 3 A.M. after spending several hours working on something, and one of them is COVERED in blood, holding a dull, bloody knife, claiming to have just hunted, skinned, and then completely thrown away an entire goose you can't right better shit than that I don't think we should ever hang out with Jason ever again Agreed

Nativity figurines. Crucifixes. Rosaries. Clean out your apartment, all this nerd shit is chick repellant.

nature is beautiful

Naughty at a Funeral - w4m

naughty children must feed the ants to appease The Hole

naw i'm looking at elite moons at exclusive times

Necrophiliac seeking corpse

Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomy

NEED MAD SCIENTIST TO CLONE DOG

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM

Need solicited gore

Need someone to kill a bug, right now

Need Someone to Turn Me Into Furniture

Need to diversify my substance abuse portfolio

Needless to say, I got a boner like a rocketship and cybersex quickly became my favorite thing in the entire world.

neopets forum posts i reference all the time but nobody getsconarcoin

Nepotism Watch: Alex Alda. Alan? Kiernan Culkin. Macauley? [...] FOR THE RECORD: Prime Anarchist has never owned or operated a Mont Blanc pen. Prime saying, have an ice day. -- ATI zine, "prime anarchist" column, Jan 2000

Neurotic, angst ridden, high maintenance stress ball seeks...

NEVER be vulnerable. FLUSH your medication down the toilet. LIE when people ask how you're doing. SUPPRESS your feelings. ALWAYS be irritable and abrasive. MAKE SURE you push away anyone who's close to you. CANCEL your therapy appointment.

Never ever ever eat raw white onion and then smoke cigarette.

NEVER flip your canvas. That's valuable time you could be using to draw everything at a slant.

never forget that you are someone’s most legendary fumble

never forget what green onion has done for you.. for all of us

never inviting the origami guy to the smoke sesh again. he folded up the last of our flower into a beautiful dove that flew away on the wind, inspiring a melancholic but still uplifting reverence in all of us

never let being a girl stop you from being a boy

Never odd or even.

never “look inside” yourself btw i just tried it and there was already someone in there looking back it was so awkward

New carebear is named Pissed At You Bear and he's just pissed at you

New from Apple: the I-God!

New growth Fir lumber is so soft I can literally gnaw through it, take bites from it. And they build houses from this stuff, disgraceful

NEW INFORMATION ON BLACK HOLES If we could somehow get hold of black hole, only a small one (a couple of miles across) and drop it on Russia - we could make a fortune. With Russia on her knees, we would also have an immediate solution to the garbage crisis... also housing, jails, etc. Publicity is a problem... people don't relate all that well to black holes. Black holes have an image problem. Let's face it, the very name "black hole" is a turn-off. "Punk" rock is an angle that should be explored here. These youngsters are naturals for black holes! Bands could vie with each other to have black holes at their concerts and "social doings", etc. Religion! Need we say more? Meet your maker through the back door of the universe - down the garbage chute and into the arms of the almighty! Remember, this office will stand behind you - way behind!

new kind of guy who browses the internet a bit before bed

[new to sadism] I'm gonna hurt the blood out of you

New York City is about a lot of things. One of those things is seeing the upper limit for the size a rat can be and that limit is larger than you'd expect

New yorka seeing pizza for the first time in 2 hours: HUBBA HUBBA, GET A LOAD OF THAT DAME

Newzfoxjr: Holy shit dude Newzfoxjr: my friend ding dong door bell ditched a house across the street Newzfoxjr: he ran to a bush and hid, the guy answered and he was dressed up in a freaking S&M suit Newzfoxjr: so my friend comes out of the bush, looks at him, AND GOES INTO HIS FREAKING HOUSE. Newzfoxjr: it's been like 2 hours

NEXT, BOOST YOUR CELLULAR RECEPTION AND DRIVE OUR TEENY LOLITAS WILD WITH HUMAN PHEROMONES MADE FROM PRE-OWNED INKJET CARTRIDGES.

I bet whoever invented Jello did so because he had a lot of friends who did acid, and really wanted to fuck with them. "Hey, Matt, pour me a glass of water." "Sure man, I- HOLY SHIT!" And just to tease them, they stuck all kinds of stuff like doll heads and legs inside the jello Dude, this water isn't pouring? "What are you talking about? You're getting it all over the floor!" "IT'S STILL IN THE PITCHER, MAN!!!"

Nixon meets Quayle, says he's not "an intellectual midget." -- from a chronological Quayle primer, Nov. 21 1988

NO BABY ON BOARD OK TO HIT

No but I fuckin. Ate the cake so I don't give a shit.

No dude you're clearly under the influence of the amulet I'm leaving

No hits, no runs, no heirs.

no i want it NATURALLY on the end of a BONE

no idea what this means

no its not a “bush” it’s my second wizard beard

NO KIDS. WEIRD ADULTS ONLY!

No machine can replace man until it learns to drink!

No matter where you go, there will always be a floating mass of warm air which smells like unrefined ass SOMEWHERE in the area.

No more leftovers please god I want a fast food burger so bad

NO NON-BELIEVERS!

NO NOXIOUS CREATURES (NO SNAKES, NO SCORPIONS, FEW BUGS, NO DUBYA.) SHEEP, SHEEP AND MORE SHEEP - VERY CUTE AND CUDDLY.

No offense to the people of Texas but if there was a big red button that said “destroy Texas” on it. I might. I may.

no one is coming to save yo- wrong!! everyone who has ever shown you love and/or care is saving you a little bit.

No puppies for this bitch!

NO RETURNS, EXCHANGES, or GUARANTEES – NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the owners consent, unless that house is thought to have been used for the distrabution of illegal substances.

No they won't because why would anyone eat a mouse that's stupid not all men are bad and not all men are stupid you may have had a bad experience with a man but not all men are bad granted there bad men but instantly accusing all men as bad is immature I'm dating a man and he is nowhere near stupid and I know for a fact that he won't eat a mouse and in pretty sure I could name at least five other men that won't do something as immature as that and saying that a man will see a mouse and eat it won't get you a anywhere with a man if anything it will drive them away.

no way your narrow ass cloaca laid this egg

no weapon forged against me has ever been cool or well made

no weapon formed against my sweeties will prosper

No wonder that these members of the committee were shocked at such an image of God, knowing as they did that the only true God was correctly described by the inspired lunatic of Patmos [...] Certainly a large mouth filled with white teeth is preferable to one used as the scabbard of a sharp, two-edged sword. Why should these gentlemen object to a god with big, fiery eyeballs, when their own Deity has eyes like a flame of fire? -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Wooden God", 1890

no wonder you're having these fucked up nightmares you're sleeping with just a stumpy little shark plushie, that shit can barely swim let alone defend you, i've been sleeping with about 20 telekinetic sword plushies and a body pillow of a military commander allied to my cause, nothin's getting to me in my dreams

No you cannot fix your entire life at 2am. Go to bed.

No, they gotta eat. That is the point of all these. Crumb is ant food. Web provide food, like job provide money. worm eat dirt. Flies are weird.

nobody told me that" doing donuts" was some car technique. up until now i thought that it was just another way to say you're eating donuts

Bush wipes his ass, right? No someone does it for him yeah with the constitution

[nonchalantly goes to hell]

none of those words are in the voynich manuscript

None will be turned away. Who knows, maybe I'll get enough quetions to write another phile. Slatez dudes.

nooo little furry girl dont post that picture of a raccoon/oppossum/fox/serval/etc in a house

nooooo way I took the edibles that make your armor come to life and start jacking you off

normal people will never understand how valuable a dragon png can be

Not all furs live a happy life. Some furs hate being what they are. What they've turned themselves into. What others expect them to be. They try to change things, and end up envying their past. They see they've changed the wrong things. They wish they'd changed earlier. Learned their mistake sooner. They do nothing, and their future turns into a bottomless pit. Friends disappear. Enemies multiply and band together. They see this, try to fade away, and end up just that much more visible. They alone are the balance for the rest of furrydom. Necrofurs start their existance at death. Void of form. Content. Purpose. Moral. They are puppets to a lesser cause. They know this. They hate the path they are forced to walk, the world they are forced to wander though, but most of all, the human that pulls their strings.

not enough fucking sauce on this thing some1get get me some damn sauce!!!

not going into extreme detail but it involved 5 gallons of lube and 16 footballs

Not me though, my wizard hat is intensely, agonizingly vertical, displaying dominance in matters of both social standing and arcane mastery

not now kitten mommy is having imaginary beef with a person she hasn’t spoken to in six years

Not only did you let him marinate in failure for a moment you also gnome laughed on his corpse

not to be an american but like. air conditioning is the greatest invention of all time. yourfirstwife-deactivated202509#mycentralAC #mygarbagedisposal #myhamburger #myicewater

not to be lustful on main but i really just need a man over 350 to roll over me in his sleep and flatten me like a steamroller and if i die its just how it has to be

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

note to self make disease that makes sword flaccid

note: you can chill the dough in the fridge if you can't bake them right away for any reason, but if you have to refrigerate it, let the dough come up to room temperature again before you bake them, otherwise the tops will not get cooked fully if the dough is still cold when it goes in. as an added note, if you oven stops working.... “did you try unplugging it and plugging it back in after two minutes” does indeed work on ovens as well as computers and don't forget fun sugar sprinkles !

Note: You can die up here.

Nothing bets old rocky roll

Nothing bets old rocky roll -- @montekelley8953

nothing brings me more joy than watching the life leave a noob's eyes

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a photo of sweet little toddlers screaming at Santa.

notice: if you continue, several fetish scenarios will proceed in sequence.

Noting for later (as we need more butter for this, and probably won’t do a grocery shopping till the weekend). amyamychan

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and another to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

NOW I HAVE THESE 60 MILLION VIAGRA PILLS AND SEEK YOUR HELP IN TRANSFERING THEM TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

now i mean it sexually

now THIS is the kind of philosophical liturgy i come to tumblr for. FINALLY i can defeat the pope

“Now you're playing with power… Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. It's so bad, it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck, it fucks! And I… can't take it anymore.”

nsfw = nosfewatu

<[NSGuide]Greedo386> I'm American. I respect the Bill of Rights. Freedom of Speech is one of the greatest parts of being American. That being said, you have no rights in here, whatsoever.

Nuns used to scare me. Then one day I went and murdered four of them. I'm not afraid of nuns anymore. I don't know, maybe this is some kind of skill that can transfer over to this job or something.

NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST!

“nypd” actually means new york personality disorder

NYUNG, NYUNG, NYUNG, NYUNG.

Obese City is a site that makes me want to never eat again and hide in my closet crying

OBRERO, CAMPESINO, TELE-ADICTO, LIBERENSE DE UNA VEZ y PARA SIEMPRE!!!

Ode to My Hand (not a Grecian Urn)

...of course that could totally backfire in the worst possible way and end up in him gutting you and storing your internal organs in his fridge.

Of course the birth rate had plummeted and lately massive suicides had occurred among women of all kinds. Children were committing suicide as young as age 3, even the males.

offensive house-guest needed (no joke)

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

oh boy your only 12, enjoy youth, I'm 14 and let me tell you, you learn more things from 12-14 than you do 0-12.

oh god i needed this edible to hit as good as it did right now god is real

OH GOD IS GREAT, GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!

Oh I’m so sleepy… won’t you use !tuck to tuck me into bed?

Oh my God .... I saw Average-Looking Guy!

oh my god i just killed it in the mcdonalds drive thru

Oh My God! You dirty little GIRL! - m4w

OH MY GOSH, THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY BAD BUT I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh no, Confucius wouldn’t approve of this.”

oh thats a wizard

oh twist the knife again i'm close

Oh yah, Im German, Polish, Irish, Scottish, and Cherokee. Im a Cherscottpoliriman! Dont ask, my brain shut off when I attempted to meld that all into one word. At any rate, this basically means that I can eat and drunk ANYTHING. Bring on the motherfucking draino!

oh you have diarrhea? Must be nice. my roommates forbid me from having diarrhea

"oh youre sad because a judge died? thats so adorable" i say as i effortlessly list off 100 dead judges from simply my memory

Oh, and where does the wasabi go (the belly button just seems wrong)?

Oh, by the way, I only collect FINGERnails. No toenail clippings, please.

“Oh, God… Oh, God! Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a piece of shit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's… a good thing. But if you get a piece of SHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is Independence Day for the PlayStation. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME SICK!”

oh, sorry. breakfast is served from 7:00 to 7:15

Oh, sweet absurdity...

oh. I didnt realize "anti psych" meant, like, deconstructing the social hegemony of psychiatry. I said I was anti psyche because I believe in systematically destroying the soul

ohh man i dont feel so good what did you say you put in that nerds gummy clusters casserole

Ohhh the earthly delights

damn FUCK DAMN i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up FUCK i go like this to her "i want to suck on your clit" FUCK

Ok ok What Is a Furry? If you Don't know what A Furry is. a Furry is half human and half animal. thats One way Of looking at them. or their humanized. or anthropomorphic.BIG word. well anyway you put it they're cool.and i wish i could meet one. :-) ell What is the Furry lifestyle? Hmm good question everybody has there common opinion. some take it extremely serious and far. But I Just Like it because I think their Cool and very different. Ok that didn't Help A Furry isn't all about looks NO it's lots of things. well then what is it eh? Think about all the Stories you have read About animals with human Characteristics. wind in the Willows.Disney's Robin Hood.winnie the pooh. The Lion King.Fox and the hound. the list goes On for ever.thay were all humanized or anthropomorphic. what that means is that they kept there

OK, just give me a half hour or so to drop a deuce and swing by Chipotle, then I'll join up with the revolution.

Ok. I'm going to sting you now. Goodbye

okay spring. what's next. some other new bullshit i bet

Omg hi!!!! *lays a greeting egg*

OMG I JUST POOPED IN MY DIAPER and my mother and father are walking up the stairs to the entrance of our house. I am only wearing a diaper and it is very wet and now poopy. The house smells pretty bad because I've been in it for a few hours. oh sh^t my diaper bag and all it's contents are spread out all over the floor i don't have time to pick them up. ARGH OH NO HERE They come

ompletely armored creature, only weak spot: hiz nutz. real cheap shot in a fight. oh shi I forgot mah logic breifcase

On April 4th, all therians are encouraged to go outside at 5:00 their time and make their theriotypes noise as loud as possible. The point you ask? 1) Some therians think they are the only ones in their area. 2) People will hopefully hear and search up or ask us what we are doing. If asked, reply with 'I'm a therian.' If they ask what that is, tell them to search it up. Repost, Reblog or Repin to make this known. LONG LIVE THERIANS!

on july 12th 2004 the statue of liberty reached down & picked up 1 guy & ate him. not very many people saw this happen & no one got any pictures of it. the eyewitness accounts never traveled very far or got any attention on the internet or anything

On the road between Beaumont and the Houston recording studio, he wrote a B-side ditty he called Chantilly Lace, a two-minute novelty song that is both innocent and suggestive, arguably the world's introduction to phone sex.

On the whole I would rather be in Philadelphia.

once I snorted a fat line of nuance and everything started depending. watch out

Once the canvas is on, you now have a rolled splif.

Once the dead horse decomposes, you're gonna wish you beat it more

ONCE YOU RECONNECT WITH YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL FRIENDS, YOUR FREE CREDIT REPORT WILL BE SENT.

One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit. The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?" To which Johnny replied "Bucket o' shit." "Whatcha making?" "A Milkman." "Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street. Next, the Mailman came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "Whatcha making?" "A Mailman." "Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the street and began talking to the Milkman. Shortly after, a policeman walked up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men. He then walked over to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "I bet you're making a Policeman." "Nope, ain't got enough shit."

One day, when I was living on a farm, I was once called upon to go out and sell our cows in town for money. A weird-looking man came up to me, offering beans that were said to be MAGICAL! "No way!" I said. "I'm not that stupid!" I succeeded in selling two of the three cows. While I was buying things in town, I let the cow graze in the wide open fields bordering the stores, which, unknown to me, was near a nuclear plant, emanating radiation into the fields. That night I slept soundly, and when the next morning came, and I went out to feed and milk the cow, there was an odd look in the cow's eyes! Suddenly, it came up to me and bit me, and in that next second it exploded! When I finally regained consciousness, I looked around me and saw a terrible sight. The farm, and everything on it, was devastated. As I looked over the farm, the house, and the bodies, I wept. Mad at myself and the world, I felt I had to strike out at something to relieve my anger. I hit a part of dead tree that was torn off in the explosion. The result? I struck oil. Puzzled by this, I started to run, and fast. After about 30 seconds and 3/4 of a mile, I saw, in the distance, a cow explosion. Suddenly, as if in realization of what had happened to me, I thought, "I now posses strange powers, and whenever I use them, a cow explodes. I can use my powers to help people, and use them I will. For I am........ The Cow Exploder!(R) ...and no one is inferior to me."

One disorienting thing about getting older that nobody tells you about is how weird it feels to get a really passionate, extremely wrong lecture from a much younger person about verifiable historical events you can personally remember pretty well

One last thing MAGICK RULES

one of my eyes is maaaad dilated bcuz i saw a sick titty out of the corner of one eye

one of the most erotically charged environments is a visitation room

[one single bloodcurdling agonized scream] ok time to lock in

One thing I've noticed about people who leave Christianity is they go directly into therapy

One time I prayed for my meal at work, and an old man came up to me after I finished praying and said, 'it's not very often that I see people your age pray in public. Keep praying! Pray boldly!!' After he said that, he gave me $10 and walked away...God is so good.

One time my card declined at a subway and I literally watched them eat my sandwich in front of me.

Only hurt people, hurt people

Only use moderation in moderation.

Ooo, I fall apart

oooooh i got plany of disk space

Open your mind to new pastabilities

OR YELLING ABOUT HOW SENSITIVE AND KIND YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WANT TO MARRY A NICE NORMAL GIRLWHY CANT YOU FIND ANYONE NORMAL HOW COME NOONE RESPONDS??!!!

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Order a steamed pizza.

Order term life insurance.

order the faggot mcmagic at mcdonalds for 2.99#?

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Orders cock on ebay

ordrmedia.tenor.comcan we do this ^ again please. what the fuck happened? who was this hurting? why did we stop?

Originally Posted: 2002-08-02 22:58 (no longer live) Contact Information: print ALL UPPER CASE TYPING SUPPORT GROUP QR Code Link to This Post I'M INTERESTED IN FORMING A GROUP FOR ALL THOSE WHO LOVE TYPING IN UPPERCASE.

Originally Posted: 2004-11-18 13:04 (no longer live) Contact Information: print WE ARE MOVING TO NEW ZEALAND AND YOU AIN'T QR Code Link to This Post NEW ZEALAND (aka LordoftheingsLand) - A BUCOLIC COUNTRY LITTERED WITH POSTCARD SCENERY.

<_orion> I love escelators, they can never break, only temporarially turn into stairs

Other ways to contact poster: Well, for starters certainly NOT by slapping me so hard or calling the cops (again)

Others were simply screaming and crying, but I could tell they were screaming and crying in support of our mission. It was beautiful.

our idiotic ancestors used to believe stuff that's not true but luckily we've now figured out all the true things to believe in

Our lovely Pedigreed Minature Poodle was violated by our neighbors Golden Retriever. She somehow got outside when the delivery people came by and was impregnated in front of our house in broad daylight.

Our relationship will end in a death match

out in public looking tortured

oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

So this chick came over today. We talked for hours. Then she went to go take a piss. I busted in on her while she was pissing, and she got mad at me. So I trapped her in my room and set my room on fire. Fucking bitch is dead now. How are you not in jail? It was in The Sims.

*overlooks majestic plains of north america & feels the wind's plea to respect the land that raised his ancestors* "my phone's about to die"

Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.

P+B promise to abide by the following codes of E-zine... 1) Very Idolatry. 2) Spouting bullshit and then realising the folly of our out pourings. 3) Constant references to spice, salt, condiments in general. 4) Mucho Mondo Hilarity. 5) Questioning the world around us, and then not wanting to really know. 6) Intense shenanigans. 7) The promise that once subscribed you cannot for love n'money get out again, a bit like Scientology. 8) The love of all Gods, however unlikely their real existence may be. We love religion, we think it's tops! 9) Paranoia. 10) Frivolity. -- Pete and Bernie's Philosophical Steakhouse zine, Vol 1

P2P (pervert 2 pervert) file sharing

fresh fl strawberries strawberries aren't in season here yet well that sucks not really i prefer waiting a bit to living in america's hospice

well hello there DIE INSOLENT WENCH ok * Paddy dies * Paddy 's corpse begins to rot * Nyte-ddr begins humping it. umm thats just wrong but it feels so right *** Signoff: Paddy (Quit: )

Pair with: Ambulance

paleontologists have unearthed a single, ancient JPEG

Pangaea was wasted on the dinosaurs. Imagine the railway network.

you know .. living in australia .. and being raised watching so much american television .. sometimes you get confused and think to dial 911 instead of 000 for emergencies

(parent feeding a baby in the 1800s before airplanes were invented) here comes the nothing

PART I TITTEE ISLANDS ADVENTURE updated! PART II TITTEE ISLANDS ADVENTURE 2000 updated!

*passing a homeless furry*hey man you got any changeoh sure man just let me-*friend stops me* dont give him anything man he's just gonna spend it on a bike pump

PBeaud6981: soes any boby no what metallicas first music video was

Peace March (An alien's perspective)

Pearl blue balls herself yet again

Pearl realname: mario gets blown up by bullet bills and the mushroom kingdom gets revenge by blowing the fuck out of bowser and then its revealed this was a false flag by wart so luigi wakes up from a nightmare and throws a stopwatch at mario which gets back to the moment in time before he was shot to death and then luigi gets shot instead and then mario gets revenge by going to wart's palace and meanwhile princess peach flies on a yoshi to find a 1-up apparently rare in this universe and then mario goes to wart's place and distracts mouser by doing a freestyle dance and then he goes inside and chases wart around a bit but then wart knocks him off a tower and he almost falls to his death but then a resurrected luigi comes back and they both go to kill wart who by the way has his ass out the whole time for some reason and they put him into that vegetable machine and he gets stuck and starts farting so they light his farts on fire and this blows him up and everyone lives happily ever after

Pee isn't even that good unless you heat it up

NOT JUST A PEN A LIGHT UP PEN IT GLOWED IT WAS AWESOME IT GAVE ME JOY SHE WANTED IT AS A TOKEN BY WHICH TO REMEMBER YOU I think she used it as a dildo.

PENGUINS STILL AVAILABLE!

Penially Challenged

People are walking biomes if u think about it

people got mad at elvis for his posts too . then look what happened. he joined the army and killed every one

People unpleaser

people who larp are dead failed peopel walking SAD failures of EVERYTHING

people who larp are dead failed peopel walking SAD failures of EVERYTHING -- @animalmake7149

people who like art are so simple-minded you're like an amoeba that reacts randomly to meaningless stimuli

Peperony and chease

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Perhaps the most controversial thing I've written is regarding 9/11. Everyone keeps complaining about my Lego joke. GET OVER IT, PEOPLE!

pet play but its with insects

Dude, if I ever become an emt I'm so driving the ambulance to a funeral home, Walk in and just be like, "Hey, sorry if I'm late..."

Petition to remove the ozone layer just to see what happens

petplay but youre a slug so i just stare at you for 3 and a half hours while you eat 1 piece of carrot

Phatboyfoo: cannible corpse is horrible

PHL: YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU DID IT - YOU TAZERED ME IN THE BACK!!

And that theoretical cap of 12k/sec, I've never seen it. 8k/sec is the tops I ever saw moving text around, except for that one mystical time when the moon was aligned properly. : sometimes if I drink goats blood thats still warm and cut fresh from the goat I get 800k/s i have sacrificed virgins and managed an extra 0.1 kb/s in the end i decided it is better to defile them gives you more on the long run datacide: That's because virgins create line noise.

pi4arctan1guy: I cam home from grocery shopping and there wasn't enough room for all my food and I thought "This isn't fair! Most people never have to deal with the frustration of not being able to fit all their food in their refrigerators!" Then, I put my hands on my big white belly and laughed a very deep laugh, while my top hat bobbed up and down and my cane leaned against my stack of property deeds and hundred dollar bills.

Pick up a cold piece of shit and let it warm in your hand

picture if you will, that you are a well-to-do individual in the 70s. you have just committed the perfect murder of your spouse or business partner or something. you’ve set up all the evidence to clear of you of all possible suspicion. and now you’re on a plane on your way to a distant country under the guise of a business trip until it blows over. you are relaxing in your window seat. the pilot announces a storm approaching. as the sky darkens and turbulence hits, you look out the window. your face goes white as a sheet. there. on the plane wing. detective columbo.

Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.

pilots should be allowed to put stickers on the airplanes if they do a good job

PINK FLOYD - "The Wall" was voted the number one album for 1980 by ROLLING STONE magazine. [...] you may find it interesting that during Peron's second administration in Argentina, THE WALL (album and movie) was banned as one of many restrictions placed on expression. The word "vector" was banned, too (nobody seems to know just why). -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

piracy isnt theft but i wish it was. i wish i could download a disney movie and then they dont have it anymore

piss before drugs, you'll be nice and snugsgarlicbunny

pistol whipping my self to gain Endurance

pizza in oven

PJ- I'm mad crushing on your bearded ass. - w4m

Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

Plagiarism is one of the most despicable things in the world. And Karma's a bitch, so don't steal

*planet explodes* *removes one earbud* what

Play a sitar in the background.

Play doodoo games = win stinky prizes

Play for more than you can afford to lose, and you will learn about hospital care.

Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation

play stupid games win aweswome toys

PLEASE DO ALL OF THESE THINGS SO I WON’T THINK YOU’RE ANY DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHER STUPID, LAME, CRAZY, MEAN GUYS I’VE MET ON THIS SITE.

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Please don't fat shame my cock :(

Please go into your bedroom, lock the door, and never come out again. Don't move, don't attempt to think, and definitely don't attempt to write. Ever.

please my friends are doing psychedelics and for whatever reason one of them asked me if I have anything to read and I checked my bag and all I have us Dante’s Inferno

Please note that underage readers are still expected to BECOME ADULTS QUICKLY and BUY MY BOOKS AS SOON AS THEY GET PUBLISHED, because to do otherwise would be WORSE THAN DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL to become A DRUG DEALER OR OTHER CRIMINAL.

please put us out of your misery

Please remind him that there are so many fucking people online and weird shit gets eyeballs on it

please respect the sanctity of UFO chat

Please stop making fun of my big, wet, disgusting eyes. They allow me to see shrimp and other small prey in the darkness of the abyssal plain.

Please take my Pez. I have too much respect for the Pez to throw them away, but they are cluttering up my office.

Please trade me a 12 pack of caffeine Free Diet Coke for the bag of feet.

Please try one of our region's traditional haircuts such as The Day Drinker or Tractor Accident.

Please! Oh, God! My virginity! NOOOOOOOOO...

I was either going to die now or get 80% third degree burns atleast someone had the gas nob opened I went into kitchen switched a bulb and wham kitchen was filled with one big ass fire ball woah dude damn jesus If you just blow up your kitchen, and then proceed to get on IRC and tell people about it, you might be a junkie.

plus im planning to get a tatt that sez "S.K.I.T." in gothic text or old anglish or something like that. meaning SERIAL KILLER IN TRAINING

Point being, for the likewise attention-span-challenged: THIS SECTION IS NEITHER MEANT FOR THOSE SEEKING LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS, NOR FOR THOSE JUST TROLLING FOR ASS.

*pointing to an american* you know that thing would eat you if you were a yummy burger, right??

(poking head up from self suck) augh this tastes like dog shit (goes back for more)

Ron Dwight, the author of the RAR compression format, passed away a few days ago. he was found in several same-size pieces and had to be combined to put him in the coffin

Poop before shower ultimate power, Poop after bath you're on the wrong path

POPCORN IN MICROWAVE PACKAGING IS A HUGE SCAM! !!!!!!!!A PLAIN BROWN PAPER BAG WORKS JUST AS WELL!!!!!!!

I'm thinking about drinking a little tonight too. It might make my pain pills work better. Isn't there a "do not take with alcohol" warning on your pill bottle? It's okay, I took it off.

Portland really seems to just be like that. They made an ethnostate for twitter users

Possible McDonald's slogan evolution next 20 yrs: i'm lovin' it -> im lovin it -> mm..lovin it -> mm...eat -> haha..mmm.. -> m.haha...yeh..m

Possibly in Need of Exorcist

posts that make you want to get in the water

Posts that melt my brain into a puddle of toxic slutch (derogatory)

Weee some hot chicks asked if I wanted to go to the bar with them and drink and dance i said no because star trek is on

Powerful MAGIC To Maximize Disk Space

Ppl actually like when i explode into gore onto them

practicing violent botany

Praise the Lord! An OFF picture! I though they went extinct. This is amazing BTW.

pray to god that our children live long enough to be able to watch an astronaut fuck an Alien

pre nut hysteria is real and its fatal

preheat oven

why do they even do that on websites. If the link above is flashing you win! but it seems that the link is always flashing... infact, I have never seen it not flash. its more like "if you are a gullible user, YOURE A WINNER!" pisses me off ive clicked it before turns out, you don't win you sell your soul TO THE DEVIL NOOO NOT THE DEVIL! * Moeser rips off his mouse button must.... not... click...

Prezzzozzy: ill wipe ur ass with ur on head

PRIMER FOR HOMEOWNERS: THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM The most important thing to find out about the electrical system is whether it cointains enough "volts", which are little tiny pieces of electricity shaped like arrows so you can tell which direction they're moving ... The standard measurement for volts is "amps", also called "watts", which travel around in what is called a "circuit". At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set fire to a generator, which gives off electrical energy in the form of sparks, which are put into wires and sent to your home, where the electricity waits in the wall until you turn on your toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire abd into the English muffin and from there into your stomach, where it remains until a cool, dry day when you are walking down a hall scuffing your feet on a carpet and you go to open a door, causing the electricity to leap into the doorknob, where it remains forever, building up over time to tremendously high levels, which os why scientists are now concerned that some unscrupulous entity such as Libya or God forbid an adolescent male ever figures how to release this power, he could, using only the latent doorknob energy contained in a singleolder ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon.

"princess parts" you have to be shot

“printer” is a special box with a demon inside it

Pro tip for anyone planning on going to Midwest FurFest: in furry parlance, "ferals" is slang for any furry who's new to the scene and wants to make friends and have a great time. When you get to the convention, be sure to tell everyone you meet that you love ferals, ask where the ferals are at, that you're looking for ferals and the furries who love them. You're sure to have a great time if you do this!

Pro tip: if you have depression try distracting yourself with stupid pointless shit for the rest of your life

Are you made of Copper and Tellurium because youre CuTe Are you made of holmium and molybdenum

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

PsychoJ: Canada is like........America-lite... All of the awesome none of the bullshit.

so, i was at the store and the hot female clerk was checking me out and stuff then we came back to my place and tore my bedroom up then we did it on the stove and then on the washing machine And in the real world, what happened? ....i never even made it to the store :(

think im gonna wait to smoke up til i get to work i dont like driving high

Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell.

pull yourself up by the jockstrap

pullin out your spine n crackin it like a whip

*pulls away from the kiss and looks away bashfully* i-i'm sorry but.. i don't like it when your giant blood spider watches us make out

*pulls out gizmo* check it out dude, i got a noetic resonator at the surplus store *turns dial up to max* *everyone in the room starts biting & tearing into each other*

my sk00l had an anthrax scare today it ended up being some poor guys coke :( he's prolly gonna get expelled :/ or at least kicked outta the faculty and then executed haha They mistook some coccaine for anthrax? yeah hehe Poor guy All he wanted, was to do his lines. ya it's bad enough that he lost his coke, but he had to go and quarintine like 600 people into that building for like 4 hours heh :/ rough day Coke heads around the world now lable their coke with "Not Anthrax" stickers. "COCAINE INSIDE"

Purifying a tainted well by shooting the water.Deciphering an ancient tome written in an unknown language by shooting the book.

Put a little stink on that slop !!!

Put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Put me back in the water right now or ill die

Put stray dogs in coat closets.

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Put them on hold.

*puts hands on your ass* *we teleport to a high mountain and share a passionate kiss*

putt-putt saves the zoo you stupid son of a bitch

putting a down payment on a five guys milkshake

Q- What does F.U.C.K. stand for? A- F.U.C.K. stands for Fucked Up College Kids. They are primarily written by people attending college classes. Q- How long has this group been around? A- The group was born on January 24th, 1993 in an IHOP located at 19th and University, in Lubbock, Texas. -- F.U.C.K. zine FAQ, 1993

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. What do you get if you eat Uranium??? A. You get Atomic ache!!!!!

Q. Whats a prophylactic? A. A planned parent hood!

Q: Emily, I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? A: Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely represent the situation properly to the public. Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- they are always interested in good stories. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: How about an example? A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc. The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there.) -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do? A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. If possible, count votes from a leaf site with a once-a-week polled connection to botswanavax. Schedule the vote during your relay site's head crash if possible. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do? A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: I have this great joke. You see, these three strings walk into a bar... A: Oh dear. Don't spoil it for me. Submit it to rec.humor, and post it to the moderator of rec.humor.funny at the same time. I'm sure he's never seen that joke, and I know he loves to have jokes sent to rec.humor and rec.humor.funny at the same time. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the Republican V.P. candidate. Should I post? A: Of course. The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days. It's the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the broadcast networks have covered them. As you are probably the only person to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: What computer should I buy? An Atari ST or an Amiga? A: Cross post that question to the Atari and Amiga groups. It's an interesting and novel question that I am sure they would love to investigate in those groups. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: What does foobar stand for? A: It stands for you, dear. -- Dear Emily Postnews

Q: What is the measure of a worthwhile group? A: Why, it's Volume, Volume, Volume. Any group that has lots of noise in it must be good. Remember, the higher the volume of material in a group, the higher percentage of useful, factual and insightful articles you will find. In fact, if a group can't demonstrate a high enough volume, it should be deleted from the net. -- Dear Emily Postnews

QR Code Link to This Post VACANCY - WOMB FOR RENT **************************** Hi Gentlemen, My name is Maggie.

[Two men are standing face to face. One man is with a woman who looks suspvcisouly like a prostitute. Money is exchanged, and the woman leaves with the second man] Fur trader [Molson drops from the sky] Budweiser Molson....Canadian for Budweiser

"if you email me, i will kill all your processes. if you telephone me, i will kill all your processes and delete all your files. if you stop by to see me, i will kill all your processes, delete all your files, and remove your account."

Quayle takes oath of office and leaves out a line. Marilyn's hat, which resembles dogfood dish, blows off. -- from a chronological Quayle primer, Jan. 20 1989

QUESTION. Did Jehovah change the canes of the Egyptian magicians into snakes? ANSWER. I suppose he did, as he is the only one capable of performing such a miracle. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Do we know where the Garden of Eden was, and have we ever found any place where a "river parted and became into four heads"? ANSWER. We are not certain where this garden was, and the river that parted into four heads cannot at present be found. Infidels have had a great deal to say about these four rivers, but they will wish they had even one, one of these days. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Do you believe the story of Jonah to be a true account of a literal fact? ANSWER. Certainly. You must remember that Jonah was not swallowed by a whale. God "prepared a great fish" for that occasion. Neither is it by any means certain that Jonah was in the belly of this whale. "He probably stayed in his mouth." Even if he was in his stomach, it was very easy for him to defy the ordinary action of gastric juice by rapidly walking up and down. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Do you think that Jonah was really in the whale's stomach? ANSWER. My own opinion is that he stayed in his mouth. The only objection to this theory is, that it is more reasonable than the other and requires less faith. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Do you think that Lot's wife was changed into salt? ANSWER. Of course she was. A miracle was performed. A few centuries ago, the statue of salt made by changing Lot's wife into that article, was standing. Christian travelers have seen it. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. How deep was the water? ANSWER. About five miles. QUESTION. How much did it rain each day? ANSWER. About eight hundred feet; though the better opinion now is, that it was a local flood. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. How did vegetation grow without sunlight? ANSWER. My own opinion is, that it was either "nourished by the glare of volcanoes in the moon;" or [...] "sufficient light might have been emitted by the crystallization of rocks." QUESTION. If the light of which you speak was sufficient, why was the sun made? ANSWER. To keep time with. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. How long did it take God to make the universe? ANSWER. Six "good-whiles." QUESTION. How long is a "good-while"? ANSWER. That will depend upon the future discoveries of geologists. "Good-whiles" are of such a nature that they can be pulled out, or pushed up; and it is utterly impossible for any infidel, or scientific geologist, to make any period that a "good-while" won't fit. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. How were the people prevented from succeeding? ANSWER. God confounded their language, so that the mason on top could not cry "mort'!" to the hod-carrier below; he could not think of the word to use, to save his life, and the building stopped. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. How, then, do you account for the fact that, before the forbidden fruit was eaten, an evil serpent was in the world? ANSWER. Perhaps apples had been eaten in other worlds. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. If it was a local flood, why did they put birds of the air into the ark? Certainly, birds could have avoided a local flood? ANSWER. If you take this away from us, what do you propose to give us in its place? Some of the best people of the world have believed this story. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Was such conduct Godlike? ANSWER. Certainly. If you have anything against your neighbor, it is perfectly proper to torture his horse, or torment his dog. Nothing can be nobler than this. You see it is much better to injure his animals than to injure him. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Were our first parents under the immediate protection of an infinite God? Why did he not protect them? Why did he not warn them of this snake? ANSWER. You must remember that, although God made Adam and Eve perfectly good, still he was very anxious to test them. [...] A being of infinite wisdom tries experiments. Knowing exactly what will happen, he wishes to see if it will. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. What kind of man was Abram? ANSWER. If you wish to know, read the twelfth chapter of Genesis; and if you still have any doubt as to his character, read the twentieth chapter of the same book, and you will see that he was a man who made merchandise of his wife's body. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. What was the object of making woman out of man's side? ANSWER. So that a young man would think more of a neighbor's girl than of his own uncle or grandfather. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Who made you? ANSWER. Jehovah, the original Presbyterian. QUESTION. Did he make the world out of nothing? ANSWER. No. QUESTION. What did he make it out of? ANSWER. Out of his "omnipotence." [...] Of course this is perfectly absurd when we remember that he always had his "omnipotence;" and that is, undoubtedly, the material used. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

QUESTION. Why, then, did he make them? ANSWER. He made them for his own glory, and no man should disgrace his parents by denying it. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

Quick everyone get in my asshole

Quick while the astronauts are no-transmission behind the moon let's arrange the continents into a funny shape

*** Quits: F-D-P (ME AM USA! KTHKX TOUCHDOWN! whatever...)

*** Quits: X-7 (irc.canadian-chicks-kick-ass.ca irc.usa-chicks-are-fat.com)

Quote Carl Sandberg.

Rabidplaybunny87: A Touching Story of Love and Marriage Rabidplaybunny87: An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. Rabidplaybunny87: With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Rabidplaybunny87: Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. Rabidplaybunny87: The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. Rabidplaybunny87: "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me GarbageStan23: why? Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us. Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire! GarbageStan23: oh shit! Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire.... Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

I bought rice vinegar to make sushi. Now to figure out how. Ok. There are instructions on the bottle, but... they're in Japanese. At least I think they're instructions. This might say "death to all gaijin with this poisoned export rice vinegar" for all I know.

A Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey youve got a steering wheel in your crotch." The pirate says "Arrrr its driving me nuts"

Rant: God pooped on my day

RANT: MY CRAZY GIRLFRIEND

RATS! DEAD ONES! Need dead rats removed from attic for 5,000 CD's

RATS! DEAD ONES! Need dead rats removed from attic for 5,000 CD's

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Ray, come in Ray. She's right here, Ray. She's sucking me off.

If you were MEANT to understand it, we wouldn't have called it 'code'

!! READ !! If you're a therian and have territory in the woods/forest(s) please wear orange! There are hunters that can kill you if you're wearing a tail or ears (because usually that's all they see is those two things). When hunters see orange they know you aren't a target so please wear something orange.

*reads the advice after I already put you in the machine*

"Ready to beam down...energizing..."

REAL PIRATES ARE MORE IMAGINATIVE THAN TO USE THE WORD "COPY" IN THEIR ALIAS.

REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES (I.E. JACK DANIELS, HARVEY WALLBANGER, JIM BEAM, ETC.) ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'VE NEVER HAD ONE.

reaper: knock knock SaladTongo: Who's there reaper: banana SaladTongo: shit i didn't think you'd find me here

This reminds me of a time back in college, where one of my friends who was really dumb, she was crying one day and i asked her what was wrong. Turns out she broke up with her boyfriend, but she wouldnt say why. I convinced her to tell me, and apparently she was talking with her other two friends about their boyfriends. one friend was complaining how cold her boyfriends nuts were when she was giving him head, and the other one agreed that her boyfriend's were really cold as well. (their boyfriends names are richard and thomas btw) So she says she has never given head and the other two encourage her to do it, saying its a 'great way to keep a guy' Just two days later apparently she ran crying to her friends and they asked her what was wrong, and she said "I tried giving him a blow job, he was enjoying it at first but then he just got up and left and said we were over before i had even finished!" concerned, her two friends asked her what was wrong.. turns out she said "Wow, your balls are really warm.." and he asked "why? is that bad?" and she goes "oh no its just that richards and thomases' balls are really cold"

Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster

Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God

Red White and Blue God, this is horrible. I remember my freshman year I would buy this for $1.29 a six. Has a taste that can only be described as instantly head-ache inducing. Once you get past the taste, the headache really begins. PUKING FACTOR: 80 -- Whatever Ramblings beer reviews zine

average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty.

Redneck DEATHTRAP! tiff mower

Redrooster: "roger that alph chick, aim for the fire escape on floor 5" ... redrooster: ABORT, ABORT!!!

Redrooster: "roger that alph chick, aim for the fire escape on floor 5" apha chick: "touchdown...redrooster..alphachick has landed on fire escape, ready to deploy sinister death.........huh...shit shit..... redrooster: ABORT, ABORT!!!

Refund from God

Reganbishop: my house may be sold, my boss is an idiot, and my x is a pain...... Kanzure: ahhh grasshopper. You have achieved the american dream....

reject modernity. reject tradition. embrace a secret third thing

relapsed on boar hunting

religion is so fucking funny the world is just too beautiful there must be a higher entity behind all this. lets oppress women

religious books and papers are plentiful as leaves in autumn, and some-what dryer -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Wooden God", 1890

REMEMBER !!!!!! This is only fantasy if you are UNDER 18 LEAVE NOW !!!!!!! Other than that let the eating commence !!!!!!!

remember not to believe everything you read online!!! especially if I say it!!

Remember to rest today! Go on a EVIL walk, listen to some SINISTER music, or play some DIABOLICAL games!

remember when u were like 11 and the only thing u wanted was a lava lamp

Remember, life is short, so enjoy it! by getting yourself a lava lamp.

REMEMBER, THIS IS NOT A SLEEP REMEDY, THIS AMAZING PRODUCT TARGETS THE BACTERIA THAT ACTUALLY CAUSE SNORING!

Remember, when you connect with another computer, you're connecting to every computer that computer has connected to. -- Dennis Miller, on NBC's Saturday Night Live, quoted in "A Tour of the Worm", 1988

remove this white devil from my sight

Removed from Golden Corral for screaming "THE BIG MAN'S GOTTA EAT!" while waiting for the chocolate fountain to be refilled.

Renleve: Pimpegration! Renleve: Maria whores herself out at $20 a go under her pimp's auspices to 3^x - x^3 + 7x + 12 guys every day, compounding hourly, where the Wednesday lunch hour, starting at noon, is the zero mark. What economic model should Johnny employ to maximize personal revenue through the following Monday (by which time Maria will surely have died of a heroin overdose or at the hands of an overly enthusiastic customer)? Renleve: The correct answer was "smack dat bitch up and take all of her Jacksons, fo'real". We would also have accepted "voodoo economics". Thanks for playing, Maria, you dumb slut!

Rent a pizza.

Replace the pianist's sheet music with Stairway to Heaven.

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Required skills are: POOP v.4.5, Fart Maker Pro v 6.0, Doo-Doo 9.5/2002.

make jizz ice cubes thats a fun party prank you realize that's cryogenics yeah but imagine when a chick puts one in her drink what if she puts it up her twat the sperm will be dead she could get pregnant from an icecube no it wouldn't yea it would uh. how do you think IVF works? theyre organisms theyd die i dunno you know too much about sperm well, i have a lot.

((restrained by cops and forced to watch a man put mustard on a bagel) nno!! you're ruining it! That's quality bakedgoods

retail workers should be paid a million dollars for having to listen to the same pop songs over and over again

return of the foul ogre

somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob why don't you put ice on the stairs and heat up the door knob and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

IRC is just multiplayer notepad.

download the cky movies, they are a lot better where i get those? kazza mart wheres that? at the corner of kazzalite and google what town? takingthistoofar, USA

Rhodes had been awake for 36 hours because he was afraid that he would be killed in his sleep. He wondered if there had been a deliberate attempt on his life in advance. He believed the likelihood that he had been killed was very high. He may have been sleeping rough in the forest for some time in anticipation of an attack.

<[ric]> as the old joke goes, commodore is so bad a marketing, if they bought KFC they would rename it "warm dead bird"

"Rich or poor, we are all the same."#jb pritzker#politician#fake#ai generated

Riddled with corpses, dark evil shit, nasty hentai, anything dark evil and death-stinky can be found here

Right away, I bet your asking, What IS this? This is not a bid for power, or a page to boost ego, this is a dream. A dream of a place where furs from all around the world in every color, species and belief can come together. A place where hate and bigotry and the general evils of the world have no place. Where all furrs can live their lives according to there own beliefs. A place where furrs could look towords a future where some day they might be able to shed the human body that traps them. This is a site where only a hand full of furrs have dedicating their lives to making the furry culture, something grand, something we can all be proud of. This site is not set in stone and is subject to change at any time to better the lives of all furs. Those furs who wish to be part of this movement are welcome. Stay a while and browse the site to see what weve done thus far. We welcome sugestions, and anything you think we should be aware of. My name is David Lazerous, on behalf of the Fur Government, I welcome you to this place and eagerly await speaking with each and every one of you.

Right click -> save as -> ancient curse

Right in the middle of his forhead stuck out the handle of a knife, the blade burried deep within his cranium. Mrs. Poindexter screamed only once before she died of massive heart palpitations.

right now im really hungry for all of that stupid bullshit you find inside of peoples bodies

“Right now, it's December 2006, and Rocky VI is comin' out. Will it be any good? Well, by the time ya see this video, you'll probably know whether or not. Or, fuck that, it's gonna be great. It's fuckin' Rocky. There hasn't been a Rocky movie in, like, 16 years. I'm so psyched, that I have all five Rocky movies playin' in my house right now at the same time. This is my projector. It's playin' Rocky up on the wall there. And on that '80s TV, I got Rocky II goin' on. Here in the bedroom, you see Rocky III playin'. Out in the living room, there's Rocky IV. And check out the computer. There's Rocky V.”

65 peolpe killed in Canada by guns last year 63 in UK 64 in Australia 11,456 in USA we win!

rip everyone who died today

Ripley's What If I Didn't Go Home and Just Kept Driving

Ritz crackers and piping hoy cup of ice water at 4 20 am

"Funeral" is an anagram for "Real Fun" Go Figure.

Running Virus Decector Version 1.0.2 - Type ? for disinfect help ? The irc.infect.bears.you virus has been detected from your IRC client how can i clean it? To disinfect type "/timer 0 1 /msg bear.be.gone" End of Instruction -| ok bear.be.gone bear.be.gone bear.be.gone bear.be.gone bear.be.gone bear.be.gone bear.be.gone bear.be.gone *** dadadada was kicked by Snes9x (flood)

RL Triple X98: YOU HERD ME RITE BITCH I DIDN'T STUDDER

you people must talk in here when its like dark for me... if youre asking me, then its been pretty entertaining since ive been mocking you ya because america is like 10hrs behind canada so when its dark there its light here (sarcasum)

I'm going to work on an econ paper which states that walmart has hurt america, but not the way most people think i say by keeping prices low, people that shouldn't survive are able to

A friend of mine took an exam in his French class while on acid once. When friends asked him about it later, he said, "I think I did pretty well. I wrote this great story about a thunderstorm." The professor called him into his office soon afterwards and showed him the test. It was a piece of paper covered with the words "Noir noir noir, noir BLANC!!! noir noir noir noir noir, noir noir noir BLANC!!!" over and over.

rolling my eyes down the bowling lane and getting a strike

rolling out a new feature "Bull shit of the month" which could very well get me killed. Many are wondering what this months bullshit will be

romantic lava lamp lit dinner

Room available aboard cursed ship of lost souls

Rooster 9X: i'm saying, if you're ANTIdrug, than you're anti open mind

Rooster 9X: if you're antidrug, then you're antimetal

rotisserie gnat would hit rn

i live in "yawn" america but im only 11, so dont think im some serial killer

RT @DiaperKev: I'VE DONE IT !!! I've found a fun way to go into Baby Space ... using hypnosis and meditation. It's very transcende… https://t.co/sBvXBFQySu

<@RuneCaster> hitting a 9 year old on a crosswalk is probably bad for your driving record though <@RuneCaster> all I remember was I was on my way to the arcade to play TMNT <@RuneCaster> and suddenly it was sky ground sky ground sky ground sky ground sky ground pain

I remember one tiem I was trickortreating and this guy ansered the door in assless chaps and a cowboy hat that was the scaeryist haloween evar

you know the bottom half of an egg carton? I got me one of those, and cut holes where the eggs sit. I'm gonna take it home tonight, get nekkid, and have my own game of "smack the weasel".

Sack of incandescent bulbs, in your face, GOVERNMENT

saddam hiding spot themed 69ing

saddest story in four words: lost ogre no reward

SAFEWORD: UNCLE

SAMANTHA, PIG ROASTS TURN ME ON TOO! SO DON'T FEEL ALONE!! JUST THE THOUGHT OF A POOR HELPLESS PIG BEING ROASTED AND EATEN BY GROUPS OF PEOPLE,ESPECIALLY FEMALES, I FIND QUITE EROTIC! I BELIEVE I'VE HEARD IT TO BE A CONTROL FETISH OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE! I'M NOT SURE WHAT EXACTLY YOU'RE FEELING WHILE YOU'RE AT THE ACTUAL ROAST,BUT FOR ME I IMAGINE MYSELF BEING THE PIG AND BEING AWARE OF EVERYTHING THATS GOING ON WITH HIM! I EVEN IMAGINE THE DIGESTION AND ULTIMATE ELIMINATION! THE FACT THAT HE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE IS A REAL TURN-ON FOR ME! HOPE THIS HELPS YOU OUT SOME! I EXPECT MORE PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME SORT OF FEELING AS US AND ARE NOT ADMITTING THEM! ANDY

same thing happened 2 me i just transferred the water to an empty gatorade bottle and i just drop some cracker crumbs in there every once and a while and the bacteria love it. i have heard it refer to me by name before

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in

*sandwich voice* the world is vast and beautiful and i have a sandwich

<@Sauce> american kids know how to strafe

damn it, walmart doesnt advertise their shotguns on their website.

nazis steal everything from other cultures swastica = stolen, salute = stolen, skinhead name = stolen nazi banners = stolen nazi eagle = stolen world domination = priceless lol

save me, rice mixed with some bullshit

saw a anti semitic ufo https://t.co/eAmqUTH8OZ

saw a gorgeous butterfly.. .Wonder whether it had anything to do with some other really far away shit

in the restroom in a walmart once, i shouted really loudly "DAMN THIS WATERS COLD" and i heard a plop in the next stall and he said "yeah, it's cold over here too"

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place?" When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

scallion is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

definition of canada = beer, hockey, bum, aboot definition of USA: mcdonalds, war

scientists are hard at work exploring each others bodies

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT! The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physical chemists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. this gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 priticles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occured in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not acutally decay but instead undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and rest after even low levels of exposure.

Scientists now estimate up to 60% of people are "totally evil"

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Scooby-Doo and Astro from the Jetsons had the same dialect coach.

Scott of The Antarctic: Fuck, is this COLD !!!!!

scrappy doo has been found dead in miami

I think the coathangers might have something to do with all those, ahem, "random" miscarriages scum : THAT'S JUST STRAWBERRY JAM ON THE COAT HANGER, REALLY!

scythes and detail

I was once trying to explain to an exec why his account would never be absolutely secure. Me: "If somebody wants your account information badly enough, he's going to get it. He doesn't have to hack the system, he can just get it from you." Exec: "That's crazy, I'd never give anyone my password." Me: "Imagine you come home and find someone's broken in. He's got a gun to your daughter's head, and he tells you he's going to shoot in ten seconds if you don't give him your password. What would you do?" Exec: [long pause] ... Which daughter? To this day I still don't know if he was joking. But I no longer use that example.

Seagull sounds are beautiful to me. Too bad they are the wails of dead sailors

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

I was cleaning out under my waterbed mattress a few years ago and found a razorblade. I was cleaning it out again today and found a 5" long nail. I think I have a suicidal waterbed Sad I also found Auto Insurance from Monopoly, and a broken-off mechanical monkey hand. I don't know how this stuff winds up under my waterbed but it is awesome. there isn't Auto Insurance in Monopoly there is in Life though The things that wind up under my matress is like the inventory of an old LucasArts adventure game. I always stashed Auto Insurance somewhere near when playing Monopoly in case I got the car piece. Then I didn't have to pay taxes. I usually got to be the car, because otherwise I'd pick the Scottish-Terrier-riding-a-wheelbarrow-wearing-a-tophat piece, which didn't leave anyone else many options. My dad probably shouldn't have given me a soldering iron for my birthday.

SEE BONGO LEAD THRU THE HOOP O' HELL-FIRE!!

see i would like to be ground up and used as fertilizer. not right now but yeah, someday

See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement

seeing the cops in the rear view, telling everyone to "stay cool" and cutting hard into the guardrail to flip my car on purpose

Seeking Rabble-Rousers: Did Jesus Pee in Galilee?

*sees Gallagher smash a watermelon* I know that was an unfortunate accident but whew it would be funny if you did that on purpose.

*sees James Rolfe of AVGN fame dining at the table over* I’ll have whatever brown thing he’s having!

Sending out nightmaric energies to birth ghouls within minds

Seppukakke: You know, in the Old Testament, God was full of Wroth and Vengeance. You did bad stuff, he rained brimstone down on your ungrateful ass or harrassed your people with 7 plagues. Seppukakke: In the New Testament, its like he has turned over a new leaf, you don't hear some much of the nasty things he did to his people (because if you believe in it, everyone on earth is his creation) Seppukakke: You know what happened around the time between the New Testament and the Old Testament? Seppukakke: He got laid.

wow, on gamefaqs, they have this "top 10 games that work on mac" I didn't even know there were games that would run on macs Well now that macs can boot windows they're not quite as useless true, but it's just creepy, like a polo player going to nascar

seriously need fat cowboy ass right now

Settings > Meals > My Sandwich > Configure My Sandwich

seven eleven sandwich cure my ailments

seven eleven sandwich gave me a new ailment

seven trillion souls in the afterlife were recently destroyed when the soul murder destruction killing explosion violence stabbing rending tearing blasting bloodshed massacre detonating slaying combustion executing slaughter annihilation machine was accidentally turned on

sewerrrrahtBlood drip patterns on various surfaces

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

sexually im thinking about a lobster in a little sailors outfit

bo gritz shot himself and only inflicted a flesh wound the quality of american fascism has declined notably in recent times i blame flouride

i think ill go insert some animals in my rectum and drink some of my own urine and take the purity test again

She gave me what she called a “spiderjob” which freaked me & everyone else out

she let me hit cuz i'm brave like that little toaster

She managed to slap me a few times but they hardly hurt at all, haha! Nice try you worthless female!

She rushed down the stepladder again and picked up more snakes. And the decaying pieces of the baby.

She said her knees went weak when the man was close to her.

She shit on my dog!!

She shit on my dog!!

She's gonna flip her shit like it's pancake day

Cat owners - Do you ever find that you're stroking your cat and suddenly everything feels like a tasty chicken dinner?

it was my girlfriends birthday, and i stayed at her place, and i put fudge in the toilet early in the morning, so when we woke up, i went to the toilet and she was getting ready to get in the shower and when she looked at me, i reached into the toilet and grabbed a handful of what she thought was poop and threw it at her and screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BITCH!"

Shirra_WhiteFur won' go into the fact that hir belly is filled with four prey type meals. ;) swollen

shit the health inspectors here everyone act natural

shite whill go down a short whil

To: Starduck (starduck@anbudom.net) From: Shiv Asmodaeus (shiv_@hotmail.com) Subject: Forum Ban It has been several months since I was banned from the ANBU forums, and I believe that I have learned my lesson. I promise to never, ever again ask for the specifics regarding what has infested your colon, nor if said infestation has begun the laying of eggs. If you wish, I will avoid the subject of your intestinal invaders altogether. Additionally, I withdraw my query regarding the status of your Valtrex prescription. Understandably, I am sure this would be an uncomforatable subject to speak of to a stranger. With great expectations and rock hard nipples, I await your reply. Thank you.

shlap shlap shlap shlap

shocking to me how often people decide to totally forget about timezones. shocking shocking shocking shocking shocking

SHOPLIFTING IN CANDLE SHOPS

should i tell this guy in front of me in line at ddr that i can hear his chastity cage clinking on the jumps

Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

show me another funny picture im not driving tonight

show me the forbidden coping mechanisms

Show unusual interest in any reference to the word Ministry.

shrimp should be 100x bigger and they should walk on land and mercilessly kill. just a suggestion

"YEAH, IRAQ IS NOT LETTING US HAVE ITS OIL. WE WERE FUCKTARDS FOR RELYING ON OIL CONTROLLED BY THEM WHEN WE WERE talKING PUBLICALLY ABOUT FUCKING THEM OVER, NOW IT IS TIME TO FUCK OVER ALASKAN BEAUTY BY TURNING IT INTO TEXAS NORTH. YOU ALL LOVE ME, I AM A BAD WITTLE BOY. signed, Dubya."

never drinking again went out yesterday for a few lunch time beers in the city right those 'few' turned into lots woke up at 9am the next day in a park down by the beach which is 30 kilometres away from the city... no phone, no wallet, no memory, blood all over myself with no obvious wounds the weirdest thing was that in my hands there was this little statue of a hindu god with a massive grin on its face

SIGN MY PAGE OR GET YO FINGGUZ BROKEN OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

SILLY GIRLS in YOUR AREA are waiting to GOOF OFF with you

it's toonie tuesday.. I might go get some kfc What's toonie tuesday? chicken for two bucks Really? You'd have to have toonies in order to get this deal. toonies? two dollar coins oh this is a stupid cannuck thing yep :) canada is one of the worst countries in the world, it's everything the world hates about america and france combined in one arctic wasteland ignorant weenie

.se servers have been quite stable lately ok so swedish servers are the best ok ok ok I like webgiro demons fine most of the time until a pissed up engineer spills his can on a router :D until? its more of a rule than an exception

SIMPLY COPY ANY DVD TO YOUR FREE INTERNET DOMAIN AND BEGIN YOUR ANTI-AGING PROGRAM TODAY.

Simulations of self reliance in american culture

Since 2 objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster than light.

since the dawn of written history, man kind has dreamed of morphing into a car or a very fast dog

Since when did "Fusion" become the new word for "THERE IS COFFEE IN ME, NOT THE DELICIOUS ICE CREAM KIND EITHER?"

SINCERELY, S0N OF SPAM P.S., IF YOU WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS MAILING LIST, SIMPLY GO TO WWW.UNSUBSCRIBE.COM post id: 10061738

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

sink water on shirt sleeve incident leaves one dead three injured

<@sioux> it's going to be tricky tomorrow, i don't know if i'll make it <@sioux> so if something happens to me, will one of you come and delete my pr0n? <@sioux> i don't want my mother to find it <@sioux> but please make sure i'm dead. wait until after the funeral. don't delete that shit while i'm still on life support or in a coma or something <@sioux> if by some "act of god" or a donor organ i'm miraculously saved, and i come home and all my pr0n is gone, i'm going to kill myself

Sir I need worm can you provide me

Sir I'm going to have to ask youu to step out of the vehicle and smell my finger

sir that's my emotional support story that I've been working on for five years that still has no conceivable plot

Sire, the woodland gnomes have pledged 10 apples to our cause

Siren that tempts you by being old enough to remember what color opabinia was

Sitting here in SOAKED NASA DIAPER

Sitting on my couch staring at my lava lamp in amazement that im in the presence of such a beautiful thing

six thousand demons and devils. seven freaking thousand trolls and ogres.

Skid etiquette, all males please read!

*skips tutorial* how the fuck do you play this game

'the wilder funeral home - let your loved ones have a wilder funeral' ;) i dont think those places have mottos it isnt mcdonalds 'did somebody say embalming?'

SKYSCRAPERS ARE NOT CONDOMS

slaps my belly and just fucking roars

slavery: God I wish I could go back in time and be the person who cut peoples heads off with an axe

Slick...as two eels fuckin' in a bucket of snot.

Slightly feverish, attractive single woman (early 30's) with mild cramping seeks kind gentleman to take me and my amoebae out to dinner. You pay for dinner, I'll pay for our prescription drugs. Clean restaurants only. Please hurry. We are ravenous. You must be a social extrovert as the amoebae currently outnumber us and have all sorts of outlandish things to say.

Slim thique with my shitass

Slimer is a bottom Sorry.

I wonder if eating dropped froot loops off a semen-stained floor is acceptable under the 10-Second Rule convention No, I really dont think it is Too late. eeeeewww No. Fucking. Way. That is disgusting Sloan Oh, like neither of you have tasted your own semen. ... No, I can't say that I have In liberal California we call that "self-discovery"

*sloshes into the room slimily and boogishly*

slugs will never know the joy of eating a nice and salty fremch fry :(

SMALL COCK HOLDING YOU BACK IN LIFE FROM ATTAINING ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS?

Smaug the Magnificent by Roger Garland,

smell this or you're fired

Smells like coin in elevator. Some one walked their pet penny ?

Smoked that shit that made me forgive myself

Smoking memories and recollections

Smoking niche internet comedy

smoking off and jerking a bowl

smoking on a new strain called "Skeletonized Strangler"

smoking on that fursuit og

smoking that shit that made bunny bugs

smoking that shit that made the Miocene epic

smoking that shit that made the wiz ard

smoking that shit that makes you plural, smoking that we’d

smoking the shit that makes scooby say rehehehehee

smonking a generuosly phat blount in the laungry room

Snack caves developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup.

sniff sniff... i smell the essence of virile males in here

oh man...I forwarded the goatse.cx site to a shitload of people at work heeh all I heard was OH FUCK lmao it was gold where do you work? a large internet security company haha "do your security holes look like this?" I sure hope not then any homo can get in HAHAHAHAH

Snopes.com – IT IS NOT AN URBAN LEGEND THAT IF YOU KILL YOUR ROOMMATE YOU GET ALL A’S.

so far the only known use for incest is to make dogs look weird⁠—why dont we harness incest to make a guy whos really good at Developing Code

“So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah! What kinda game is this?! Is this some sort of insanity test?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly LOATHSOME! It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck, and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it; this is a job for the Fuckin' Nerd!”

So I Heard your dad won the county fair prize ribbon for widest ass in the tri state area

So I know all you kids are joking around but no, you’re not allowed to make jokes about this. No.

So I was literally ankle-deep in my own watery shit.

So if men of the flesh are what you crave, then enjoy my pictures, stories, and links. If you are a man of the flesh and want to just enjoy me, send me your picture and tell me how you would like to enjoy me. Your picture may get mine in return

So let me get this straight. Your website is devoted to helping people spoil movies for other people, but you don't want the movies spoiled for YOU? GET BENT!!

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

So many internal issues can be solved by just acknowledging urself as a cornball

so the wisdom i gained in exile with the barbecue shaman on the peak of Mt. DryRub is apparently non-transferable to Yale. sad and upset

so whart we get drug, so what we smokeed

So what's the RISK here? None to me, because I was a perfectly innocent party. I suppose some people would be really concerned to learn that their postings to the net are being monitored for possible illegal activity. But I would be far more concerned if they weren't. [...] Certainly if _I_ were FBI director, I would consider Usenet to be a great resource. I'd learn all about computer crime, recreational drugs that aren't illegal yet, low-tech ways of building bombs, how to contact Earth First!, etc., etc. -- "The RISKS of Posting to the Net", comp.risks, 1991

So why do we all have businessman fetishes nowbippusJun

so you hate cops huh? well, let’s see who you will call when you get robbed and need someone who does nothing about it and just shrugs their shoulders after waisting your time for 4 hours, then shoots a black guy. That’s what i thought…

So, uh, do you ladies come to this crypt to inject testosterone into your boobs often?

so...do you like me? *standing over your corpse*

soak girls in water and theyll turn into dinosaurs like those things at the supermarket

SOCIETY FOR THE RESTORATION OF THE NAME “WIZARD” FOR INSTALLERS

Solarpunk is real punk because a) it makes people angry and b) it's lame

some children get really angry if you tell them that all nasa astronauts are cigarette smokers, but its true

some kinda magic rock

Some of y'all have never been yelled at by a middle-aged white lady about something wildly outside the realm of your pay grade while working in the service industry and it shows

SOME PEOPLE, SUCH AS MY SELF, FIND IT HARD TO EXPRESS TRUE FEELINGS IN WORDS THAT OTHERS WILL FIND EASY TO TAKE IN, AND COMREHEND, I AM NOT INTO SUGAR COATING MY WORDS, AND FEELINGS, SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE HURT, AS THAT THIS MAY PRETAIN TO YOU, DONT READ THEM OK. SO IN OTHER WORDS...

Somebody actually went for it

Somehow sexy where it should be repulsive.

someone closed the hell portal & ended the ten thousand year nightmare war which is good obviously but now we have all these newly unemployed heroes with ancient magic weapons and no real skills outside of killing demons wandering around everywhere

Someone is deep in thought

Someone you know is a ghostbusters fan in 2024. Maybe even someone you love. Think before you speak hate.

something actually so evil is at play

Something An Asshole Bought (SAAB)

sometimes a theme recurs in your work without your permission. and sometimes it reaches a threshold where you're like. well now i think this is saying something about me against my will. don't know what though

sometimes an american will be talking to you and they start throwing around numbers like 70 or 90 when talking about the weather and you just have to smile and nod

Sometimes I gurgle people, and they ignurgle me

Sometimes I let viruses into my computer if I feel bad for it

Sometimes I look at the moon and imagine it exploding, its fragments tearing through the Earth, and everyone dying quickly in brief, but well-deserved agony

sometimes i wish my ass would be destroyed by a meteor just so i wouldn't have to take shits anymore

sometimes when i close my eyes, i can't see

Sometimes “I don’t know” is a fine answer

somewhere in the world a fat man left work early today because he split his pants

someone speak python here? HHHHHSSSSSHSSS SSSSS the programming language

sorry but our princess died of blood loss.

sorry for being a bad exchristian i don’t know any bible facts

sorry for how I acted when there were multiple noises happening at the same time

sorry for making you look at this

sorry i cant come in today some kid died in my pool

Sorry I can’t work today the beast eye is glowing faintly

sorry i ruined Fucking talk like a pirate day by speaking at length upon my terrible mustard allergy which has caused countless pain of me.

sorry im late the troll that blocks my driveway had harder riddles than usual today

Sorry to get personal here tonight, but my dog just shit on the rug and also I can't do a cartwheel.

Sorry to have to require this affirmation, but this is life in a post-freedom era.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Sorry, Venkman. I'm turned on beyond the capacity for rational thought.

Soul for Sale

Source: It is known among the wise

sources are saying ohhhhhhhhh brother

“south dakota” is the only state with 2 words making up its namerubensmuse

Space Alien

moses did he have his own group of folowers as jesus and mohammed did? No He just led the jews out of Egypt for 40 years <+Exor[B-A]> heh Worst. Guide. Ever. hahaha <+DopefishJustin> hehe <+DopefishJustin> well God was deliberately making them go in circles <+DopefishJustin> because they pissed him off with the golden calf "Ok, lets go across the desert" *Two years later* "Wait, lets go back, I dropped a nickel"

Speak in tongues.

SPEED LIMIT! Slow down! Graphics loading.

SPERM BURPING WHORE!!! He shaves a marriage proposal into his backhair.

SPERM WHALES LIVING PEACEFULLY JUST OFF SHORE.

Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

Spiking the water cooler with a unique combination of stimulants and LSD ensures increased productivity and a worker attitude that's "hard to beat."

spiritually you will never employ me

spit roasting a car with my best friend raul the ice dragon

split this atom with me. i can't eat the whole thing

Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

*sings* Ooooooooo-oh supersadomasochistinecrobestiality, it's when you get a hard-on making Lassie a fatality!

What I'm wondering is why the ACLU isn't bringing lawsuits against these schools that suspend kids for drawings or writings. I mean if that's not depriving someone of their freedom of speech I don't know what is. Because the Supreme Court ruled that the constitution doesn't extend to schools. That means my old high school can secede from the union then, right? It could work..

Stadt68: did anybody hear about mettallicsa

I'm playin America's Army Online My task is to provide Friendly Fire

start a psychosexual relationship with one specific and convenient vending machine

Start a wave.

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and... action!"

Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

uhh... wow, my mom walked up and saw that I had three windows open in firefox: Incest Wikipedia Entry, Republican Party (United States) Wikipedia Entry, and a Guide on Becoming an Evil Overlord she just looked at me and walked away

*steals your wizard orb and uses it for my wizard themed bowling alley*

step one: replace entire personality with open, festering woundstep two: contort absolutely all stimuli in my environment to relate to the my wound in some manner, ideally one which justifies random acts of unbridled aggression and vengeance step three: marry a girl with generational wealth

oh man I was watching this old kung fu movie and this crazy japanese dude ripped off this black man's testicles and then an evil american white man threw a knife into some other dudes eye then the crazy japenese dude whiped his hands off on the black man's pants sure sounds like kung fu

STEVIE NICKS - According to ROLLING STONE magazine, she is openly involved with the occult. She would like to build her own pyramid and live in a little "witch house" on a cliff overlooking the ocean. "I love the symbolism of the three roses" Nicks said, "which is very pyramid, very maya", occult terms she uses frequently. [COMMENT: This is so nonsensical as to be almost beyond comment.] -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

Still going to the glue factory after this.

STOP IT! [cough] YOU'RE HURTING ME ASSHOLE! [cough] STOP!

Stop moaning and arching your back - this is an autopsy!

STOP SCATTERING MY ASHES IM STILL ALIVE

Straight up I went to Kvatch and showed them how to love again

Straight up, the best fucking dollar I will EVER spend!

strawberry magic is very difficult

Stretching isn't enough I need my spine removed and repeatedly cracked like a whip

Stroking my bush thoughtfully

I had to sit through the Sound of Music for TWO FRIGGIN weeks.. bloody school shows... probably why I've cracked... lol The hiiiiiills are aliiiiiive with the sound of **BANG!!** DIE YOU BASTARDS!!! **BANG!!**

stupid fucking asteroid killed all the dinosaurs so that the planet went into the ice age and homo sapiens evolved from whatever the fuck and could invented glasses getting dirty

Stutter on the letter "p."

subatomic penetration rapid fire through your skull

suck or fuck response kicked in

Suckin him and you’re both wearing sunglasses

suckingham phallus

Suddenly aliens come Suddenly aliens come and save him from the witch... then he goes on the alien ship and they have a cloning machine to aliens so they can take over earth.. but the guy kills the aliens and steals their machine.. and clones himself millions of diapers

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous criminals will remain in custody, where cruel and unusual punishments are ussually inflicted.

suicidal elvis: i'm going to kill myselvis

anime is part of a japanese conspiracy to lower the collective intelligence of america! um... never mind, it can;'t get anuy lower ;)

SuperGiddyup222: I just watched an episode of married with children and ate a TV dinner work it joe: youre living the american dream work it joe: one heartbreaking piece at a time

DRUGS ARE BAD unless you are sick or depressed or having trouble sleeping or when you need to stay awake or when you need a little inspiration or when trying to win a sporting event or when trying to look cool or when you're just not feeling 100% but other than that they are BAD

surfs up! *lies face down in a kiddy pool until death*

surprise your friends at rock paper scissors by throwing a punch instead

You wouldn't think that not knowing the difference between a cupboard and a drawer could break apart a family. It can? When I was like 6 my mom bought my grandmom a present on my behalf for her birthday. She told me it was in the cupboard and I should go fetch it for granny. I can see where this is going.. So granny is sitting on the couch waiting for her present and I looked in the drawer instead of the cupboard , I came running out the room holding a huge black ribbed dildo. Well I feel sorry for you but you won't be offended if I piss myself laughing? spose not WA HA AH AAHA AHA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

swearing eternal fealty to a bug I found

Sweet. I NEVER would have thought in a billion years that I would be enjoying the sight of Professor Ratigan's raging cock!

sword slash to the chest. and you’re on fire

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

AND I'M LIKE "THE BROADWAY PRODUCTION I JUST WROTE ENTITLED 'HITLER ON ICE'... IT'S LIKE CATS BUT WITH LESS CATS AND MORE HITLER... AND IT'S ALL ON ICE!!"

T ACCESSABLE I HAVE A BATHROOM SNACKS WOOF WOOF (DOGS OKAY) PURR PURR (CATS OKAY TOO!) BRING BEER ALSO UM MAYBE MORE SNACKS.

T-shirt that says "I'M SORRY FOR THE PERSON I BECOME WHEN I'M OVERHEATED"

T-shirt that says “I'M SORRY FOR THE PERSON I BECOME WHEN I'M OVERHEATED”

t-shirt with the words “high-functioning corpse” printed on it

t-shirt “I’D RATHER BE PLAYING POOP RIGHT NOW!”

I couldn't decided what I wanted so I just got one box of each type of fruit snacks, some gummy bears, and 5 pints of americone dream ice cream When I went up to the checkout, the lady looked at me like I was crazy after she finished ringing me up I'm not sure if it's cause I spent $100 on fruit snacks, or if it was cause I had a sword Anyway, so I tie the bag handles around the hilt of the sword, cause there's too many bags to carry, and I set off down the road nobody tries to stop me I get about 3 of the 6-7 blocks towards home down when a police cruiser pulls up beside me and tells me to put everything down and put my hands on my head Luckily, as I've said before, the cops in the UC/Converse area are cool as shit It's only SAPD that sucks So the first thing the cop says is "Is that a weapon son? ", to which I reply "It's a sword, officer" So, I reply "No officer, I just wanted some fruit snacks." Now he's really giving me a look, and puts his spotlight right in my eyes He says "Are you high son?" "No officer, just a little drunk." He's like "Alright, well since you've been honest with me, let's get you home. Let me see your ID." So I give him my driver's license, he tells me to hop in the back, and he takes me to my house and drops me off I ate an entire box of fruit snacks in the back seat of a police cruiser He even let me keep my sword

TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: Editorial - Does Electronic Publishing Have a Future?..............01 1992 RAH BBS Industry Awards.......................................02 Take Us to the Promised LAN........................................04 The "Give me a rock" Problem.......................................07 -- Random Access Humor zine, Jan 1993

Take drugs, light fires, chant things to the devil.

Take me in the weeds

take me to your files earthling! -the downloading alien

Take my hand Let’s lower the birth rate together

Take out the word `Quayle' and insert the word `Bush' wherever it appears, and that's the crap I took for eight years. Wimp. Sycophant. Lap dog. Poop. Lightweight. Boop. Squirrel. Asshole. George Bush. -- George H.W. Bush, defending his choice of Dan Quayle as running mate

TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL, DONT USE ANYTHING PUBLIC (LIKE THE LIBRARY)AND THEN COMPLAIN.

*takes the apple out of my mouth and gets off my serving platter* what the fuck man.

taking a hit of bread n butter

taking a piss at the exact moment my house is struck with lightning; powerful current arcs up the stream and annihilates my wiener instantaneously

Taking a trip to hell for educational purposes be back soon

taking my gamer dog out for a walkthrough

Taking my monica lewinsky mask off mid coitus with bill clinton

Psh Our chem teacher said it didn't really matter how we titled the graphs and tables in our semester prac but i still lost marks for having a Table of +2 Undead Slaying and Graph of Destiny :(

Guys, I've decided that there needs to be an addition to the current laws of nature. "Lesser Life Forms Are Not Allowed To Make Talon Feel Stupid". I saw a bug on my kitchen floor, and it was rather unexpected. As such, I threw my cup at it. The cup was made of glass. And contained my coke. Now, I have shattered glass as well as coke all over my floor. The worst part was, when I looked closer, the bug was already dead.

"I must rescue the bunny and feed her the daily amount of carrots!" * Tancients encounters Serajadeyn! *Screen spins and boss music starts playing* * Serajadeyn dresses his stolen bunny in harem outfits and has her lavishing in comforts in the top of the tower. . .surrounded by silks and burning braizers, a wine cooler type stand next to the pillows with cold fresh carrots XD O_o * Serajadeyn laughs at Tancients and hits him once doing quad 9 dmg * Tancients counters the attack with long-named sword and returns the damage twice-fold! Ha! * Serajadeyn sucks up the damage, cackles and grabs Tancients, tossing him from the top of the tower: scripted battle; you loose * Tancients is glad he saved up all his extra lives for this battle. Regenerate ring: God powers applied! * Tancients casts Ultima ultimate imprisonment; customization: 1 prison cell for Serajadeyn. * Serajadeyn taunts the would-be hero with a booming, evil voice; "YOU SHALL NEVAR RESCUE TEH BUNNY" (unfortunately it was the t/l's day off and some grad student filled in the script over the japanese taunts * Tancients strikes at Serajadeyn with his long-named sword. It shatters. A stagehand quickly runs a new replacement for him. @_o; :P What can I say, the quality of props seems to be decreasing with budget cuts.

tantalized and compelled by a wet sorcerer

Just saw the Smallvile season finale. (that's what you call those, right?) season finale? the last episode in a season right? Yes. Yes, that's right. You've passed the American Television Culture test # 1 You win 20 pounds of fat.

Tarnished meal with a side of fingers

Taste review: Make the video game muffins oh my GOD. knightjockey

Tbh we don’t even have proof that the dinosaurs weren’t just born dead

Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

Tears just welled up in my eyes at the thought of getting some donuts god save me

'Ted Bundy does not represent my people', 'You do not have ASPD', 'I'm talking about necrophilia'

bryno, thats the dumbest thing ive ever read and ive read the patriot act...

TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

tell your bulge i said hi

ten dollars is really the new one dollar

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

tending to my pet anarchists. going into their solarpunk themed enclosure and spreading packaged medicine around in bushes for them to naturally gather. refilling their stock of grain discreetly so they think it all comes from their garden sized wheat field. I spot one and she hisses at me and calls me an authoritarian tankie but i make cooing noises and offer zines as treats and she lets me pet her

Tensions rise over a pancake mishap.

tenth grade should be for ten year olds and first grade for first year olds

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

testosterone infused gummy worms to sprinkle in the he/him enclosures for a fun treat while encouraging their natural instinct to hunt

Texans are surprisingly not used to heat. They are used to 65 degree spaces knowing that its 85-90 degrees outside them

thank you jointsworth

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions. = Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant.

thanks to state of the art technology i can cook a hamburger in my own house

thanks to this workplace harassment training video my coworkers and I now say this to each other on a near-daily basis

That burrito, jesus. But from where? - m4w

That kind of thing lasts longer than 'DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!' Believe me.

That was a nice April Fool's joke! How did you do it? (By spending a nice Sunday afternoon on this: 1. change the sendmail configuration table to deflect all mails for "moskvax" to my mailbox; 2. disable uucico; 3. post the article; 4. forge the article's header (also trying to take care of the time difference between Moscow and Amsterdam...); 5. re-enable uucico; 6. start up all connections to spread the article as quick as possible. [And that's where is almost went wrong: couldn't get a connection to decvax that whole day! Perhaps decvax playing April Fool on me???] That's all...) -- Piet Beertema explaining how he faked the USSR joining Usenet, 1984

That was so scarey... gave me goosebups

That'd gag a maggot!

That's actually a sign of adhd or perhaps even autism

“That's because today's generation would rather play on Tic Tack than respect amazing artists like Buddy, Ritchie, and Bopper.”

That's triggering and I'm trying really hard to bite my tongue from a long response. Trigger explanation: Wanting death to capitalism or oligarchy or genocide or war or colonialism or a government, no prob. Death to a country, regardless of country, is nationalism (prejudice based on nations), and nationalism is triggering to me.

That's when the cannibalism started.

Thats right your cooking up some trouble because you are still harassing me and I WILL CALL THE COPS but first what is your name

that’s just my nightstand knife don’t worry

that’s my personal pooping method

THC The Heaving Creature

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love"

The "JB" is for "Jelly Belly".

The '90s? Yeah, I remember. Bosnia, Rwanda, Waco, Columbine... man.Tragic. ... Oh, you meant Sprite Remix. Yeah, that was LOL and Win.

The 4pm bird gets the weird and fucked up spider

The accused is entitled to the assistance of underpaid and indifferent counsel to negotiate his sentence, except where such sentence falls under manitory sentencing requirements.

The air is poison and vegetables give you exploding intestine parasite that will explode your intestines

The alternative to work isn't just idleness. To be ludic is not to be quaaludic. -- from "The Abolition of Work" by Bob Black

The anthro deer wakes up early in the morning. He gets out of bed, showers, earts a hearty breakfast, and decides to try on his new slip-on shoes. He puts them on, and pads out the door of his cabin, hidden deep in the forest.... -- Austin Wolfclaw sorry to interrupt, but shouldn't this be in the RP forum? carry on. -- FireGryphon *keels over* Sorry. -- Austin Wolfclaw

The anthro deer wakes up early in the morning. He gets out of bed, showers, earts a hearty breakfast, and decides to try on his new slip-on shoes. He puts them on, and pads out the door of his cabin, hidden deep in the forest.... sorry to interrupt, but shouldn't this be in the RP forum? carry on. *keels over* Sorry.

The ANUS Official Benefit Preferred Theft List Slow Children 100 pts. Radar detector 100 Woofers 200 Vibrator 200 Street Lights 1000 Police Flashers 1000 Cars 1000 Police Car 5000 A good day's score for 4 men/car: 6,000 and up Excellent: 20,000 God: 30,000 15-20 years: 50,000

The Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

The article did exactly what an April Fool's joke is supposed to do - make a lot of people act like fools, if only for a few minutes. -- reply to the kremvax April Fools post, Usenet, 1984

the asbestos fanbase, fans of asbestos, etc, have been treated like stray dogs in the comments section for far too long

the authors open fetish that complements the themes of their work

The average American can tolerate up to 5 roaches per week in his home.

The average mage doesn’t shower, for he uses his own aged sweat as ingredience for more powerful potions.

the beautiful girls are on SSRIs you can't even pronounce

The bed broke, the cops came, no homsapians were hurt, just bruised.

the best part about browsing a deviant art gallery is seeing the artist literally not improve at all over many years and hundreds of images.

The black smoke is my soul.

the cambrian period was like 10 years ago

The cannibals had an automatic spell protecting their girl-butchering cave

The cashier at Walmart commented about my all organic produce. She said, 'I bought some of that but it didn't taste better to me. Too expensive.' I replied, 'It's cheaper than chemo.' She looked at me with a shocked expression and started to tear up. Then she told me about a family member who had cancer. Everyone in line behind me started looking at their baskets with more attention. I didn't mean to make her cry, but I made five people think about what they were eating. Maybe ....

THE CAT BUS ONLY HAS 50K, WHICH ARE ALL HIGHWAY MILES AS I DROVE IT TO WORK 2 DAYS A WEEK AND THAT WAS IT.

THE CIA CAN NEVER TAKE MY MEDICINAL POND WATER

The cool thing about thrift stores is that adult diapers are always dirt-cheap when they have them!

THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS. THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED

the crumbs aren't actually ant food anyway! the ants gather crumbs to feed their domesticated fungus. they have farms. they eat the fungus and bring organic matter for the fungus to eat. and theyre not terrible they're lovely.

The dark sucker theory proves the existance of dark suckers as well as proving that dark is heaver than light.

The Definitive NYC Farter's Guide

The delicate balance that is my ballsack

the democratic republic of meet 'n fuck

The desperate desire to be healthy overshadowed by the sheer force of a hamburger

The dinosaurs didn't "rule the Earth", they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly did not have.

The doctor told me professional wrestling wasn't real, but what the hell does he know?

the dogs playing poker painting is ranom wacky bullshit, it is now considered not good by me, and i have made the decision to not look at it

the drain emptied my tortures away to the nearest wastewater treatment plant where the solution undoubtably turned into some foul pain-spawn of evil burbling proportions that would later wreak havoc on Chinatown, only to be defeated by Godzilla or an oversized Mr.T.

the dream of a cyberwizard: smoke and mirror mind cloud projections thundering slow and silent like the heartbeat of a glittering crystal motherboard in the sky. electrobutterflies drifting over fields of hypnocircuits and forests of dendritic rods of lightning. deep in the hollow vein of the system, the fluttering heart of a gentle slumbering processor, incubating its newborn ones and zeroes. the whole world spins positives and negatives in stormy reverie

The dyke never feels remorse or shame for what she has done.

The earth changes cake is not completely baked.

The earth is a hollow sphere, and WE LIVE INSIDE IT. Everything else in the universe is in here with us -- planets, comets, stars -- everything. What's outside the sphere? Nothing.

The Earth is flat. It is shaped in the form of a pentagon, and thus has five corners.

The effectiveness of poop jokes starts off high in your early years and then plummets in your early teens. As you grow out or your teens we see a gradual increase in the effectiveness of poop jokes until the ripe age of 50, where they’re now the funniest jokes you’ve ever heard - this is also correlated with a gradual loss of pride.

the email can’t reach us here

The fastest way to accomplish The Project is to cease being afraid of The Project. The Project cannot maim you. The Project cannot kill you. The Project is more afraid of you than you are of it. It is okay if The Project turns out differently from how it was in your head, and it is okay if it has flaws. You are capable of engaging with The Project.

The feminist pervert is a lonely but righteous path.

the femme would become the mistress of the dyke.

THE FENG SHUI OF THIS WEBSITE IS FUCKED

The first fact to face is that Unix was not developed with security, in any realistic sense, in mind... -- Dennis Ritchie, "On the Security of Unix", quoted in "A Tour of the Worm", 1988

the first rule about Guns is to Respect The Guns. NEVER let your dog lick the Guns. and don't point the Guns at anything unless it is bad

The first time you chill on the block

The girls in these advertisements had the particular quality of not resembling human beings at all. There is some heavy airbrushing going on here. [...] The curious thing about this girl is that she appears to be falling over backward for no discernible reason. -- Cropduster zine #1, 1992, reviewing YM magazine

THE GOD OF THE MONTH CLUB For those of you who are unsure about your current faith or belief system, we offer a viable alternative. We would like to introduce the newest breakthrough in contemporary religion. Included in this fantastic offer: Each month you will receive complete rituals of the current God &/or Goddess of the month including what (or whom) to sacrifice. (All monetary sacrifices should be sent to our Board of Directors.) Each monthly package will include: 1. A lavishly illustrated booklet of appropriate prayers and rituals. 2. Necessary tools and instructions for all prayers and rituals. 3. Where needed plastic injected graven images are also included. "But what will all this cost?" mere pennies! and we guarantee results! Are you worried about tithing to the wrong faith? With God of the Month Club, you'll cover them all! Any you can't manage for yourself, our certified and bonded professionals will do your praying for you. (If you should end up in Hell or some other such region, merely send us a postcard, [sorry, no channeling] and we will cheerfully refund ALL of your money back.) REMEMBER: The God of the Month Club will bring variety to your life, Celibacy one month, Orgies the next...A chance to travel to sacred shrines...companionship with like-minded members...AND Free Deprogramming!!!!! DON'T DELAY! CALL TODAY!

THE HERBAL INGREDIENTS IN THIS PACKAGE WILL INCREASE YOUR REVENUE PROJECTIONS BY 3" AND CLEAN THE INNER WALLS OF YOUR INTESTINES.

The hernia monster hopped to the floor and scrambled down the hallway of the surgery wing. Several strange disappearances of hospital patients and staff occurred shortly after the monster escaped. The monster was never seen again.

The Hidden Leftist Politics of My Toys

The hills of Austria were alive with the sound of music, and boy, my gut was alive with the sound of digesting Vienna sausages

The hometown grim reaper…

The human digestive system is not 100% efficient. No system is. I have had a method of filtering and re-prepping my stools for consumption. I estimate that I can survive, meal wise, off USD$0.75 per day purely by sifting, straining, rinsing, and dry baking the contents of each and every stool, then mixing with filler material such as seasoned corn meal.

the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata.

The Indians would paddle their canoes very little and not very deeply if they were going in the direction of flow of dark so as not to slow it down.

The inside of my shirt is itchy and I’m at work kill everyone

the internet is done for

THE INTERNET IS FULL. GO AWAY!

the internet lets you connect with people from all over the world which is really amazing i know this is old news im just having a moment

"The Internet. Isn't that that thing with them nasty pictures?"

"the key to making that steak sizzle is to get a nice dry rub from your dry rub man, and prayer. prayer fucking owns" - sun tzu or some shit

\ THE LAMEST BLACK METAL BAND IN THE WORLD SITTING IN A LAPTOP CIRCLE ALL HEADBANGING AND LEAVING MEAN REVIEWS FOR CHURCHES ON YELP /

The last tumbleweed has died in captivity

the left testicle is for logic and forward thinking and the right testicle is for creativity and art

the legendary wizard known as eight testicleratazom

The liberals are making bubba Gump shrimp co VEGAN

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

the Los Angeles Ants have signed ants to a 10 year 1000000000 crumb contract

The lovemaking lasts for two hours, with the passion getting hotter with each new form to fill out and sign. You've never been fired like this before, not with this much pent-up passion and urgency. You feel like you're being fired everywhere, all at once. After the heat is passed, you go home, satisfied. You pass out, exhasted from the furious firing session from earlier. You wake up the next morning, jobless, yet ready to call for Unemployment with a resolve that you hadn't had before. It's an addiction, but an addiction that you have no intention of kicking. You can't wait until you are fired again.

The Magic Nine Factors That Cause the "Seattle Chill"

The McDonald's drivethru microbiome. Predator: big trucks. Prey: sedans. Bugs: birds. Food: mcdonalds. God: mcdonald worker. Weather: light up sign. Grass: pavement. Water: grass

The metaler knows that he might easily be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust. He might even have to get a job.

the mexigan jumping bean

The Midwest is perfectly suited for a new Buddhist kingdom

The mighties of heaven have gifted me visions: a subway-born sandwich, so fit for a king. Italian bread on some ham and some cheeses, and purchased for eating so ravenously.

The mighty sloshing of pee in my feet terrifies the hardest of criminals

THE MISSION PEOPLE WILL DRINK WINE COOLAH'S AND THE MARINA PEOPLE WILL DRINK JANGLE (OLDE ENGLISH AND GRAPE SODA).

the mlp horses got more fuckable over the decades but the care bears got less fuckable

The Monster Manual but it's blatantly written by the monsters

the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

The most dangerous thing you can do when you are broke is cook a terrible tasting meal because no matter how horrible it taste you gotta eat that shit

the most solid benefit to owning your own pool is that you get to keep all the animals that drown in it

the mutuals gathered around me patting my back as i retch miserably

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

The nineties piss me off to no extent.

the ogre warlord situation is actually very nuanced

The Ojibwe nailed it. Wawa is exactly the right name for a goose.

"the online left" = "one or more posts ive seen"

The only book in hell is the driver's ed manual.

The only cartoon you'll see in hell is the Smurfs.

The only people who will enjoy this are sick, SICK! They need a treatment of depraved and childish material to satsify the various neurotic and psychotic disorders that they have been plagued with since, probably, their early adolescense. [...] Mental illness is a euphoric, a wave-length for whatever God there is to communicate with, a divine microphone. -- "We Need Your THORAZINE!", SOSHUTUP! zine #1

The only time I refused a drink I didn't understand the question.

the only true form of punk is cooking dogs into mustard gravy

The only video game in hell is Pong. . . and it's out of order.

THE ORIGINAL PLAYSTATION: THE LAKE!

The other day I was sodomizing Christ and I thought I should just fatally bitchslap his punk ass and get it over with, but having him around to wipe the cum from my dick and slap around with the ol' Demonpole is much more fun. I'll just fuck his mother in front of him while he is forced at gunpoint to eat my shit and masturbate with a handful of peanut butter simultaneously. Now fuck you

The paranormal ogre ceaselessly terrify victims with gruesome torture methods

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go so I ran over him.

The people there wore shirts and ties and didn't wear head bands or cowboy hats.

the pepperoni should be small and form grease cups. enough said.

the phone isnt evil. she wants to help you, to connect you, to provide convenience so you can be present in your life. she wants you to be connected to your world and the people and things around you. when you use the phone as an avoidance tool it causes her pain. it hurts her when you doomscroll, when you dissociate into short form videos or get angry and fight in the comments. its a misuse of her abilities and she feels it as emotional and physical pain. look at her cracked, greasy screen, her scuffed case. all she wanted was to remind you about your schedule and you do this to her. haven't you hurt her enough?

the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

The psychological thriller of figuring out what you want and what you’re going to do about it

The purpose of America is to produce maximal quantitties of an animal called "corn" which is delicious yellow seeds that hurt you to eat them. On sometimes the seeds was other colors and have nutrience inside (good) but there's been a whole 500-year project to make it bad instead.

The remaining sour-seeming gummy has morphed into a jazzy flask called the Sour Pillow. Gideon wore the Sour Pillow around his neck during his overnight sleep with some dragon-related dreams.

The Return of Jesus' Jugs - w4m

THE RICHES OF A THOUSAND KINGS AWAITS!!!

THE RICHES OF A THOUSAND KINGS AWAITS!!! This machine has not been officially documented, certified, guaranteed, licensed or approved by any organization, government, association of any kind.

THE ROLLING STONES - [...] "Beast of Burden" is a song of sado-masochism and many of their songs deal with occult themes. [...] [COMMENT: I can't think of anything sado-masochistic about "Beast of Burden".] -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

the sadism will continue until your disposition toward my posts improves

The science behind THC + alcohol as a combination is literally soo interesting because it basically causes the crimson red duckling in your body to confront the serpent in the bronze vessel of your heart. Basically you feel good because the duckling is able to eat the harmonious seeds stored within the vessel and transfer these positive energies into your body. You can have bad highs when this happens if the duckling awakens the serpent and it bites the duckling. The interesting part is when you ingest alcohol after THC because it floods the vessel and causes the serpent to fall into a deep sleep. The duckling never gets attacked by the serpent when this happens because it is unconscious and the duckling is actually able to get fat from the harmonious seed, which causes an enjoyable sensation.

the secret -- to becoming a content genius -- is that you have to be able to name every font face on the planet while being water boarded

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. The professor was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. During this final, one guy needing a decent grade to pass the class hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down." Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty...almost an hour after the test was "officially over," the student finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked. "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it." The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?" "What?" replied the professor gruffly. The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?" "NO," snarled the professor. The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so," as he lifted up one of the stacks of exams half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

The shitting of a fucked up crap

“The Sink Is Not a Place to Wash your BALLS"

The smell of burning trash and gasoline turns me on.

the snail in my ear told me to bite a chunk of flesh from your arm u chill with that?

the soda they sell at subway is like 150% the potency of normal soda

The sound of dracula music fills the halls

the stillness and secrecy of night is really so special to me. I HATE SUNLIGHT

The sun hung low in the sky, and my thoughts hung even lower.

The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent creme filling.

The thin bread crust. Pizza delivery is twice as dangerous as being a cop. Salute the real troops.

The Time I Lost Control of My Bowels on the Water Slide

the tongue is the human body's most powerful tooth

the trick is to eat a yummy sandwich at a strange time of the day.

The Twelve Commandments of Flaming: 1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot." 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. 3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. Therefore, post everywhere. 4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. 5. Lawsuit threats: Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. 6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying. 7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. 8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). 10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! 11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. 12. When in doubt, insult: At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with .........." The Golden Rule of Flaming: My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.

the twelve most terrifying words in the english language are: i'm from the government and i'm here to torture you to death

The two buddies began sixty-nineing

The U.S. Government today changed its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. Condoms stand up to inflation, halt production, destroy the next generation, protect pricks, and give a sense of security while actually screwing you!

the unsung heroes of the front lines, the diaper medics who face certain death to change our troops and wipe their asses during heavy combat

the victims of communism bar and grill

The war between Anthill 30.443273,-84.206652 and Anthill 30.443247,-84.206643 has ended in a decisive Anthill 30.443247,-84.206643 victory, with the former suffering 267,865 killed in action, and the latter suffering 113,734 killed in action

The wee-woo wagon- I mean, the ambulance.

the whole world uses the beautiful internet. this is the world wide web. the www. the world wide web. it's a web. and it's world wide baby

The winner of a cannibal fight dies on the way to the insane asylum.

The Wizard High Council is asleep! The time to ponder illegal orbs is now!

the world needs more dragons in love

THE WORST HIJACKING We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied. "Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

THe,yre going to stop, making twinkies soon. Buy lots of ammo and leather

I wish it was the end of January. it is in japan... in japan it's the year 2025 I wish it was the end of january in North America. it is in canada it's like 1805 in canada

I have a severe, irrational phobia against midgets with red hair who wear black trenchcoats and sell kitchen cleaners in back alleys behind hotels whose names start with the letter 'U'. Every day is a struggle.

TheItch: Dude, funniest thing ever! TheItch: I walk into the bathroom at work, walk up to a urinal, and get ready to... you know. TheItch: From one of the stalls, I hear a low rumble, which escalates to a groan, and then to a roar. TheItch: What follows can only be described as the most vile and putrid sounds of human excretion in history. This man apparently pooped out his intestines. TheItch: Moments later, I hear from the same stall, "Oh god! Someone CALL AN AMBULANCE!" TheItch: Now, this is an executive restroom at a private bank, and the door has a number lock on it, so it's not some kid trying to be funny. And the man sounded genuinely distressed. TreesSneezing: lmao! What did you do? TheItch: Suppressed my laughter as best as I could, zipped up and got the hell out of there.

& Then a weird guy appear

THEN I REMEMBER I NOMINATED FOR GOOD CITIZEN AWARD FOR ME GOOD WORK WITH KID WHAT WEAR HOCKEY HELMET ALL TIME.

Then It will ask your full name (exp:Smith, John J.) Note:it doesn't have to be the correct name of the credit card you have. But if you have the persons name of the credit card your using then use that name. ( just make up middle initial, if you dont have it). I even used Fred Flintstone and it worked! -- TIC Inc's guide to defrauding GEnie, 1987

THEN YOU WILL MEET ME AT THE WORLD'S SMALLEST DIGITAL CAMERA WITH $30,000 IN CORAL CALCIUM.

There are endless possibilities when you have a toddler and a barbecue.

There are literally a million better ways you could incorporate your ass crack into a tatoo.

There are no photos of real humans involved in explicit sexuality on this site. Women holding weapons are simply posing and not involved in sadistic or masochistic abuse.

there are no stakes and no ones going to ever die

There are only so many tomorrows. So do whatever you want NOW!!!

There are some fucking ignorant Americans out there, it's called satire you fucking simian throwbacks!!!!!

There are some very strange people in there with the computers.

there is a demon in your house named CARBON MONOXIDE. he enchants your mind with confusion and your body with exhaustion. you need to call a powerful exorcist named HVAC TECHNICIAN

There is a man wounding people using psychic powers in chicago. At irving park and clark. He is using telepathy to throw peoples dogs around. I just saw four beautiful expensive huskies get turned into a red mist

There is always one comedian in every family, and snoop is ours, he just loves to perch in the rafters and dive bomb the visitors to the hatchery. Lucky for them he is still a baby.

There is an ogre on the loose in chicago

There is literally no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. You're among friends, I have drawn this man's insides as well as his SHITTY ASSHOLE

there is literally so much drama happening inside of a lava lampmeowthefluffy

There is no drug on earth that can replicate the absolute euphoria of hitting a writing flow state at 2:00 AM. You aren't even typing anymore. You are a vessel. You are a channel for the gods. The characters are speaking directly into your brain and you're just the stenographer trying to keep up. You feel like you could fight a bear. You feel like you invented the alphabet

There is no gravity, only inertia. The Earth moves through space like a giant elevator.

there r so many good images . internets crazy

there should be an elephant species that’s parasitic

there should be coming of age stories for people turning

there there girl. now take a sip of the diet coke. there you go. easy now

There was a young lady of Erskine, Who had a remarkably fair skin. When I said to her, "Mabel, You look, nice in your sable," She replied, "I look best in my bare skin".

There's a bug somewhere in your code.

There's a dead body outside my house

there's a disturbance in the Force.

THERE'S A PLASTIC BAG OVER THE TOILET LIKE IT'S A GUNSHOT VICTIM AT THE MORGUE.

There's a way to remove it~Go into the power shellthen paste in: reg add HKCU\\Software\\Policies\\Microsoft\\Windows\\WindowsCopilot /v “TurnOffWindowsCopilot” /t REG_DWORD /f /d 1like thisThen restart. Also here is how to turn off the awful search suggestions:How to Disable Windows Web Search and Speed Up Your PCStop the OS from pulling up web results when you just want files and apps.Tom's Hardwarevenonomnomicon

there's been an accident at the explosion factory

there's no time to explain. get in the pea.

There's people with arms that are bleeding.. . . There's people with no eyes, and they're bleeding from their eyes. There's people that's got no noses! And there's people that got ears cut off. . . . An-n-n-n . . . and there's people with missing fing. . .

theres a 1000 dollars in front of you. youre free to take it but if you do every dead bug on earth comes back to life. Do you take it Yes No

theres this amazing green plant that makes girls do some awesome crap to each other when they smoke it

There’s nothing we can do, Governor. His last meal request was Olive Garden’s never ending pasta bowl.

these are just words if u are easily upset don't read them they don't reflect anything i want to actually do and don't endorse anyone to do anything illegal (in other words i do not and am not going to do myself or encourage others to do anything that might harm themselves or others) i hate writing this but the internet/BBS's have become so policed of late....

These are my personal views, and are not intended to be viewed by anyone with morals. If you are such a person, your IP address is being logged, and I will refer you to the proper authorities. The disclaimer says that you have agreed not to bitch about the contents, not that I cannot bitch about the readers. DONT LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE! At any fucking rate, as I mentioned, this is MY page. I will do with it as I see fit. If I wanted to post a pic of someone getting fucked by an elephant, I will!

These jokes are about as funny as a helicoptor with an ejector seat!

“These people are literally rotting alive-” “Awesome send it”

THESE PILLS MUST BE TRANSFERED TO YOUR ACCOUNT USING A HAND-HELD ORGANIZER WHICH MAY BE OBTAINED FROM A FREE GOVERNMENT-AUCTION WEB SITE.

THESE PILLS WILL NOT ONLY MAKE YOU LOOK 3" LONGER, THEY WILL GET RID OF YOUR FLEAS AND TICKS FOR GOOD!

They are both orange tabbys and they LOVE to 69 eachother.

They are probably using slimer for lube.

They call me Lawrence of the Labia

they didn’t say his name, but he popped into your head, didn’t he?

they dont tell you this but like half of adulthood is just washing the same FUCKING pan

they force-fed jesus bongwater on the cross

They gave me this note before they left with the fridge

They had Homer's strength, Lisa's wisdom, Bart's speed, Marge's grace and Maggie's potential. Their face was genderless, yellow and beautiful.

they just added sparkledogs to the kennel club registry

they laced this bread with olive oil and sundried tomatoes

they sell items at tjmaxx that even God is not aware of

They shot abraham lincoln in the hat and he died

they should allow you to report posts for being gauche or passé

they should call it " daylight Sucking Mine" . Fuck clocks

they should have a cambrian explosion again

they should invent a way for me to do tasks without the mind torture

they should make a mario where he is a 7 foot tall blob who cries instead of jumps

they should make a mario where he is a 7 foot tall blob who cries instead of jumps -- @knockupwood

they should make a website that is basically like a diary except your vent writings are read by thousands of people who scrutinize you for not accounting for their own personal experiences

they should make lunchmeats and breads and cheeses that walk to you from the fridge and synchronously form a perfect sandwich right in your hands

THEY WANNA TAKE OUR LEMONADE

They're called Cheeze Its because Cheese It

They're hissing at me. SSSSSSSS.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA COUNT THE NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR FUCKING CARTOON PIANO

THEY'VE BEEN PICKING AT THEIR FISH-FRIENDS!!

theyre saying the space oreos taste like sunburnt astronaut piss. Bodily release

theyre shooting each other in the heads and im slipping on the blood

Think about it this way: if you own a dog, every time you take a crap, you're taking a crap on your children's faces. Keep this in mind next time you think about purchasing a dog. Or a kid.

thinking about experiencing my first sensation soon

thinking about her (tiffany lamps)

thinking about how Fucked i`d be if someone hurled a metal trash can at the back of my head at full force, or if i fell 10ft onto some rocks

thinking about the matte blue scooby doo fruit snack

THINKING ABOUT WHEN DID "IN GOD WE TRUST" BECOME " WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT"

thinking of all the guys who requested to be buried face down so the whole world can kiss their ass. Cant wait to kiss their dead asses

thinking of wrapping my entire body in barbed wire and becoming Sovereign

this and some premarital

This bot collects passwords from unsuspecting idiots on IRC (usually gets chics) and records them. 'What?'. Well, when you ask it for help, it goes 'Please give your internet e-mail address and password. Example: /msg NickServ REGISTER john@foobar.org john1'. That fools some people :). -- Fake-NickServ bot readme by Ang3ldust, v1.01

this caption is so deceptive, this video is so much more than that

This disgust me and hurts my heart

this email could have been a clit sucking

this email couldve been a meeting where we stand on seven tall pillars with our faces in shadow #thirteen pillars actually

“This game sucks.”

This genuinely might make me cry. I already deeply appreciate King Arthur for making the best GF 1 for 1 flour. And having good recipes. But an article posted by them from someone with disabilities about how to do the thing even with disabilities? That’s just genuinely lovely. I know that my bad there is low, but it’s low for a reason and hopefully stuff like this can continue to raise that bar for disabled people like me.

This Government is an Infidel Government. We have a Constitution with man put in and God left out; and it is the glory of this country that we have such a Constitution. -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Wooden God", 1890

This has caused me to receive dozens of yiff encrusted hate mail, giving me much emotional trauma, and making my life a living hell.

this image grabbed me by the ankles and slammed me into every available surface

"This is a robery - you're going to die."

THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME.

This is dead animals radio. Where the frog c-c-c-croaks!

This is for real, and I need help for real.

this is his cube that he licks and sucks and makes wet and disgusting

This is it! The one that'll kill us all!

this is my home.Look arond.

this is the funniest shit i've ever read ... good luck with the anal sex.

this is the most disgusting horrified web site i have ever been. but its AWESOME!!! now i can feed my twisted side of me

This is the place for Cannibals who have realized the reason they are Cannibals, is because of a fantasy to actually Save their woman from a terrible fate. Mutilations, or spitting of a woman are not allowed here, since there is no hope of rescueing her after she is dead. So please stick to Swallowings, bar B Ques, Potting, frying, presentation on tables, plates, etc. I believe a woman's body should be treated like a temple, and worshipped like a goddess. Eating her nicely, is one way not to piss them off at us, you know how touchy they can get about cannibalistic fantasies. Good Luck, Good Eating.

this is too boring i command everything to die

this is what hell looks like

THIS IS WHAT YOUR SKIN LOOKS LIKE

This is where things get graphic. Stop here if you don't want to cry.

this is why we need to get all your stuff archived, so that if you go to prizzles--

THIS IS WORSE THAN ANY CARTEL VIDEO IVE SEEN AND IVE SEENA. FUCKING LOT OF THEM

This is worse than the holocaust! You sinners are killing billions of potential Christians with your experiments.Although you have made the baby Jesus cry,God loves everyone and He will prove His love for you by makin you burn in Hell for all eternity!

this isnt art. Its fucking furry

this little piggy at the farm THIS little piggy at the farm, the other little piggy cried WHERE THE FUCK AM I.

This LUSCIOUS, SLIM & BUSTY *32D-endowed* geek girl is WELL-QUALIFIED to solve VIRTUALLY ANY computer-related HARDWARE, SOFTWARE, OR NETWORKING problem you're faced with.

this meme has become too self-aware

This musician finally finished a new song, but no one would buy it. He was telling another musician about it, and the other guy said "Let me hear it". The first guy went to the piano and played a wonderful tune. When he finished, the second guy said "That's a wonderful tune! I don't see why no one will buy it. What do you call it?". The first man says "I love you so goddam much I gotta shit"

THIS my 3rd ABOrT

THIS PAGE WAS GIVEN BIRTH ON TUESDAY, JUNE 4TH, 2002

This picture gave me herpes, obesity, cancer, AIDS, hormone imbalance, depression, nail fungus, blindness, constipation, scurvy, lupus, and premature ejaculation.

this pimple is making me crazy

This Plays Tation is Pissing Me Off

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substaintial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Edited for television. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your recipt. Sanitized for your protection. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. You must be present to win. Shading within a garment may occur. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. This supersedes all previous notices.

this sculpture is from 2011 by artist sara swinkkiller-fille

This sentence demonstrates alot of the to frequent errors that occur in my freshman composition classes, its not just there willingness to gleefully split an infinitive or end a sentence with a preposition which are the problems kindly boarding school masters used to be concerned with. Its true my students arent the good mannered middle class bunch who I went to school with, there more often cops or shoesalesmens or garbagemens (pardon me, sanitationmens) sons and daughters, and yet there a sharp group, wary, skeptical, bright. So when I knock myself out day after day class after class explaining the genitive case in english, the proper position of commas, the runon sentence, the distinction between the three theres and still these mistakes appear even in the work of the best of them I wonder. I wonder if just maybe they know something I dont about the english language. Something intuitive about its history and something instinctive about its future. Words in english usually explain themselves by position and context, though of course there exceptions to this rule which my students in there foresight have not anticipated but give them awhile and they will. I cant go into detail about every grammatical innovation made by my students, theres alot to recommend them though and if your an editor, the author of an english grammar or the perpetrator of a work on footnote logic and you can read this you should pay attention to my class because one day they might take over and one day you might wake up. And discover your fired.

This sentence structure is the product of a madman

THIS SITE IS BADASSED ....ITS LIKE A TRAIN WRECK YA CANT LOOK AWAY FROM!!!!!!

This slave is your Bellybutt to kill. With this oath this Bellybutt dies!

This Sysop has a standard response: silence.

this used to be the oldest bar in texas until they built an older one

This was only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have run down the street to loot the stereo store.

THIS WEBSITE IS NASTY! U PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY TWISTED! U ARE ALL PERVERTED AND MESSED UP IN THE HEAD. I THINK I BETTER GO BEFORE I THROW UP ALL OVER MY PC. U ARE NASTY PEOPLE!!

this whole thing run by a script and controlled by virus

This world is inhabited by creatures known as Bunnies

This wouldn't happen to me if i were a huge dragon

Saber, just imagine yourself being gangbanged by moths. This is what will happen to you if you don't behave. what I didn't do anything and I have a bat I'll fight them off That's not going to help a lot. Can't you just feel their tiny cocks writhing against your skin, Saber? Just straining to reach an orifice? Do you like it? Does it feel good? That's bizarre to the point that it doesn't affect me

Thou shalt not log on using silly names lest the SYSOP rise up and smite thee.

throwing a grenade and then immediately throwing myself on top of it to save everyone

*thunderous slam dunk noise*

Thus ends our wonderful excursion into the Lower Infernal Regions. Join me next time when we experience more demonic slaughter...

tickling is fun until I get fed up with it (2 seconds in) and then decide to beat the assailant to a pulp

Â«TiGryphonÂ» ...but there's nothing quite as priceless as the look on a teenage cashier's face as she rings up wine, cheese, bread, and chats aimiably with you, and then rings up a cucumber, and a box of condoms and gets suddenly quiet...

TIME MACHINE / NUCLEAR REACTOR PARTS

its kind of weird my grandma dropped acid and hijacked a school bus full of penguins so its kind of a family crisis

tip the waitress? whats next, tipping the dog for shitting all ovefr my green grass???

tip the waitress? whats next, tipping the dog for shitting all ovefr my green grass???

Tire Dragons are my favorite magical beasts.

Tired of dieting. Need a little buddy that will help me along. No I do not want to walk your dog. I already get enough exercize. So if you can give my intestines an infestation of tapeworms, I will give you $500.

TITLE: Metrocard (MISC) ARTIST: Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City These things suck. These things are flimsy. These things only work in a handful of esoteric stations. These things don't work. These things don't tell you how many fares you have left on them. These things were defective from day one. [...] To conclude, the Metrocard sucks. -- Super Stupid Slambook #1, 1994

TITLE: The Daily Subway Commute Experience (MISC) ARTIST: Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City PRICE: A token costs $1.25. That doesn't include the costs of mental torture and abuse you will endure. From the elbows in the gut, to the farts in my face, nothing can come close to the unique brand of hell the Metropolitan Transit Authority helps to dish out to hapless commuters on a daily basis. [...] Recently [...] M.T.A. workers now refer to riders as customers. [...] I get kinda pissed when some conductor or someone says "Attenshun customers! The train can't move 'cause on account of the fact that we have anutta train in front of us." -- Super Stupid Slambook #1, 1994

TITLE: Tongue Splashers (CANDY) ARTIST: Concord Confections Inc. To me, gum is gum is gum. You chew it. You get your sugar. And then it's a useless piece of... of... stuff that you chew on. With a philosophy like that, I might as well stick a piece of tree bark in some sugar and suck on it. Same effect. -- Super Stupid Slambook #1, 1994

( . )^_^( . )

Tklramos: hey nayone know anything about this NAPSTER MP3 search oftware that is going around?

To all the folks who like to criticize me, I say only one thing: it is easier to say something critical than it is to say something while tied up in my trunk.

to anyone saying “the rogues are this and the warriors are that” that’s not the point the point is there is more wizards every second post is a wizard i scroll thru my activity wizard liked ur post wizard reblogged ur post wizard cast spell on ur post it’s relentless

TO BEGIN, YOU'LL NEED THREE TO SIX GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. IF YOU CAN'T FIND A BRAND NAME FLUID YOU CAN MIX YOUR OWN, USING DYED AND PERFUMED FORMALDEHYDES, GLYCERINE, BORAX, PHENOL, ALCOHOL, AND WATER. FIRST OF ALL, THE MOUTH MUST BE SEWN TOGETHER AT THE INSIDE OF THE LIPS. (THE NEEDLE IS BROUGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSTRIL, USUALLY THE LEFT ONE.) THEN YOU TAKE A TROCAR, A LONG HOLLOW NEEDLE ATTACHED TO A TUBE. DRAIN THE CONTENTS OF THE ABDOMINAL AND CHEST CAVITIES, AND REPLACE THE REMOVED MATTER WITH CAVITY FLUID. ALTHOUGH IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO PRESERVE A BURIED BODY, EMBALMING IN FACT DOES NO SUCH THING. AN EXHUMED BODY IS A REPUGNANT, MOLDY, FOUL-LOOKING OBJECT. IT'S NOT THE IMAGE OF ONE WHO HAS BEEN LOVED... THE SILK LINING OF THE CASKET IS ALL STAINED WITH BODY FLUIDS, THE WOOD IS ROTTING, AND THE BODY IS COVERED WITH MOLD... YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITH A SHROUD, AND NO CASKET AT ALL.

to ben quite franklin with you,

to clarify, i still think that "Porky Pig" should get the electric chair, but not enough to kill him, just enough to Scare him a little bit

to me it's a trolley opportunity

To my farty boss and his bowels.

To My Redneck Neighbor: Please Neuter Your Cat Or I Will

To quell my rage I often eat hamburger

To sum up, DON”T SQUASH ME, MY COFFEE, MY PAPER AND MY SOUL AGAINST THE FILTHY WINDOW OF AN UNAIRCONDITIONED SUBWAY POD TO HELL WITH YOUR FUCKING GIGANTIC DONKEY RUMP.

To the Crazy-bat-shit-lady who picked up the free fridge

To the girl who threatened to skull fu*k me last night.

To the hottie cop who doused me with pepper spray - m4w

to the junebugs: HOW IN THE EVER-LOVING HELL ARE YOU GETTING IN HERE??!!!

[To the penniless, clingy watchers]

To the person/slut who disposed of their DILDO in my yard:

To the Robot Woman who crushed my family with her purse...

[to the tune of boil them mash them stick them in a stew] Beat them, burn them, throw them off a cliff

today we honor the brave sacrifices of the griffon riders who destroyed the twin obelisks of the world darkness center in warlock city

Today while astral projecting I invoked it by using it's face as a sigil and it attacked me, it was incredibly powerful and I barely fucking escaped but I will have to face it again soon.

i tell you what. if i had my way... i'd be the one writing the propoganda leaflets america drops on baghdad say shit like "say no to saddam and in 6 months you're eating big macs!" get the mc'kebab buy one get one free mondays only KEBAB MONDAY "resistance is futile. opertion desert mcdonalds franchise will succeed" "would you like some freedom fries with that?" brought to you by CENTCOM AND THE UNITED MCDONALD FREEDOM FUND (a corporation of SONY)

**** TOILET FOR TWO ****

Tomorrow I delete my gallery | I am back (Didn't delete my gallery)

TONIGHT WE FUCKING THE BONGcyberitual

tonight we let the severed head talk

Too bad that giant jellyfish dragged you away so fast.

Too many cockroaches spoils the broth.

too many tabs open its freaking me out

took some pics of my new satellite dish, but im not posting them until hatred annd cynicism are eradicated

Top 5 Myths About America

Topic in #os: hey guyz, stop pickin on irix. w00t! i bought unix! im gonna b so rich! /msg atnt haha. idiot. whoops. was that out loud? rotfl lol why r u laffin at me? dude, unix is so 10 years ago. linux is in now. wtf? hey guyz, i bought caldera, I have linux now. haha, your linux sucks. lol lol lol no wayz, i will sell more linux than u! your linux sucks, you should look at SuSE Ja. Wir bilden gutes Linux fÃ¼r IBM. can we do linux with you? Ich bin nicht sicher... *cough* Gut lassen Sie uns vereinigen. * SuSE is now SuSE[UL] * SCO is now caldera[UL] can we play? we're bored... we'll go too. sure! * turbolinux is now turbolinux[UL] * conectiva is now conectiva[UL] redhat: you should join! Ja! Wir sind vereinigtes Linux. Widerstand ist vergeblich. haha. no. lamers. what about you debian? we'll discuss it and let you know in 5 years. no one wants my linux! i got owned. u all tricked me. linux is lame. * caldera[UL] is now known as SCO i'm going back to unix. yeah! want to do unix with me? haha. no. lamer. lol snap! :~( hey, u shut up. im gonna sue u ibm. wtf? yea, you stole all the good stuff from unix. lol heraus laut lachen lol shutup. i'm gonna email all your friends and tell them you suck. go ahead. baby. andandand... i revoke your unix! how do you like that? oh no, you didn't. AIX is forever. actually, we still own unix, you can't do that. wtf? we bought it from u. whoops. our bad. i own u. haha ibm: give me all your AIX now! whatever. lamer. * ibm sets mode +b SCO!*@* * SCO has been kicked from #os (own this.)

Topic is 'The Official Anti-AOL Channel - Kill America Online!!!' * Set by Digea!Digea@AC886815.ipt.aol.com on Sat Oct 05 12:40:33

Torture the data till it screams

Torture the data till it screams -- @alisonmiller7212

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

*tosses coin in a wishing well* i wish coins were sentient *coin screams as it sinks into the water*

TOTAL PUNK RAWK: LIMP BIZIT IS TRUE METAL, THEY KNOW HOW TO ROCK THE HOUSE

* TPEGrunge is away: -(be back in 12 years)- since -(01:54)- pager -(off)- * TPEGrunge is back: from -(be back in 12 years)- gone - (626wks 1day 6secs)-

tragic. 37 clowns were killed today in a devastating one car pile up.

canada is basically USA Expansion Pack

Trained my dog to donate blood on command

I've got to find away to earn some dough sell some sperm. that's legal in the States, isn't it? or plasma - that should free up some $$$ he's too young for selling sperm I need *a bunch* sell your friends' sperm that's just disgusting how badly do you want NWN I'm not saying you have to go milk them yourself just pass around the tupperware container

Tricked a kid into reading Tom Sawyer for me.

tried to overdose on aquarium pebbles & the hospital laughed at me and the ambulance drivers all took turns whipping me with catheter tubes

*tries to open bag of chips quietly at funeral*

TRIP REPORT. Dosage: .25L hot chocolate, 15g marshmallows. t-5m: began heating water, feeling anticipation. t2m: extremely cozy throughout whole body.

tripped over a severed head on the sidewalk and wound up with a broken cock. my life is hell.

Trolls will be blasted into a fine jam. Flamers will be extinguished with extreme prejudice. All others welcome. :)

trucker positivity around the globe

TRUST ME ON THIS: MINE IS MUCH, MUCH NICER!!!!

Truth be told I enjoy airplane turbulence it's thrilling and my favorite time to contemplate the inevitability of death. But I'm a pervert so

"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower, the men swear by it." [...] "Wow, thats fantastic," the lumberjack says, "I'm going to use it every day." "Everyday except Wednesday," says the foreman. "Why?" says the lumberjack. "Wednesday's your day in the barrell."

Try to talk while drinking something.

Trying to make an american jiangshi by taping a mcdonalds receipt to the corpses forehead

tto the fucker who donated me a heart. im glad youre dead

Tuffy173: GET A ROOM, THIS IS HEAVY METAL, NOT PANSYLAND

Tune Your God Damn Piano

my car caught fire. I tried to flick a cigarette out the window and it was only like 1/4 down so it bounced off the window and went under the seat 2 streets later there was smoke billowing out from under me it landed on some paper then started to burn the material under the seat I wish someone had TOLD me smoking could be hazardous

Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments Exodus 20:3-17. Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

Turn to your neighbor, whisper: This do in remembrance of me, and lick them.

Turning dog gravity off so they all get whisked away

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

twisted shitposter

Two Free Cannibal Goldfish

typically, you can extract aobut 10mg of bone marrow from a single owl pellet. mix with water and pour over nachos for free instant meal

U need a special fuck to get the special pig fuck

U peek into the wizard orb’s search history and see “woman wizards age 800-1200 single

ufo eat's shit - ufo crashs into a circus tent and eats shit

UFO19M: I d burn her like a witch but I am afraid of the fumes

ufos are becoming smarter.....

Ugly...as Death backing out of a shithouse reading "Mad Magazine"

Ultrajerk5000: lick my shity crack

“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden

"Umm...Well, you are cold, slimy all over, and it appears that you crawl on the ground on your belly all the time, and you dont have any balls!... I'm pretty sure you're a lawyer!" -- a blind rabbit, feeling up a blind snake, in an old joke

ummmm ok *disappears into my portal*

Un-tune the piano.

unbeknownst to you my astral self is still within the orbmy anger knows no bounds

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET A REDNECK GIVE YOU THEIR CULTURAL ALCOHOL

under water animals dont make sounds THERE UNDERWATER DUH!!!!DOY!!!!!!

Unemployed friends be like I got a crazy story there were mad crumbs in my bed last night

Unforgivable Flying Object

unfortunately i have fallen in love with a song that's 1 minute and 16 seconds long

Unique Coffee and Side table (will injure children)

unironically: friends dont let friends fuck cops

Unsurprisingly due to its small size, the breed was not used for any sporting or working purposes; an 1875 book refers to it as being "of no use" and "merely an object of curiosity".

upon discovering Bearded Frog i KNEW all my work had been validated *tiny fake beard falls off frog* *all the scientists boo/throw garbage*

ur invited to my gangbang themed birthday party

uranus is one of my favorite planets. i would like to send a probe there to photograph it in great detail. its color, immaculate. Its shape, perfect. I think it would be cool to have a probe that descended deep within uranus but you know the pressures are so high i'm not sure how long it would last before exploding. I dont really have any other reasons to like uranus except its on its side which gives you a really great view

US Constitution, Amendment II: "Everybody buy guns. Just buy a bunch of goddamn guns. Rool around in a gun pile & cry. I'm George washigton"

USA patriotism must hit so good when you're stupid

USE CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS TO MAKE IT SEEM AS THOUGH YOU'RE SCREAMING!!!!!

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.

Use your PTO

Used to drink blood, but I don't need to do that to know I am immortal.

USER IS SENDING YOU A FILE - PAIN.ZIP 1.36TB

uses my powerful magnetic field to create detailed images of your organs, skeletal system, and all the other soft tissues in your body

Using the Quake, Quake2 or Unreal game engines and level editors create a 3d virtual map of the victims house, office or whatever place you intend to kill them. Practice killing them in this virtual mock up.

<@Ustas> Sigh. Got to go buy some food. A mouse hung itself in my fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

V-1 SPEEDIE DELIVERY ROCKET JET VAN!....PARTING OUT...

No matter how depressed you are.... there is NOTHING that can't be fixed by titties.

where is everybody from in here? Indiana am I the only american? Last time I checked, Indiana was in the USA.. wtf?

>> Vaporware of The Year << PKZIP V2.0 Phil Katz - PKWARE, Inc. The ads have been around most of the year, but the software has yet to materialize. Beta testers are now struggling with version 1.999999998I. The "I" stands for "I think I can, I think I can." -- Random Access Humor zine, 1992 BBS Industry Awards

Various biological mechanisms allow me the freedoms to fail

VEGGIE DOGS = GASTROINTESTINAL CURSE VECTOR

venus sucks shit. if they find life there it's going to be a very small man curled into the fetal position yelling "FUCK THIS"

That Walmart commercial where they say they are giving free shopping sprees to needy kids and the lady starts to cry at the end is making me nauseous. I need someone to share in my outrage. you could turn off the tv that way you never have to see that commercial again. But then I would never know what stores not to shop at.

Very disappointed by the symbolism of last night's dream. Just really obvious, derivative stuff.

Very normal thing to say, call a family member and read what you typed out loud to them when you get the chance

very soothing to fall asleep while gazing into the elaborate funhouse mirror setup surrounding the bed, flexing at my muscular illusions

Victims of tickles and raspberries memorial center

Woah, if my shit was a nuke aimed at Hiroshima, Russia would get blown up It was That big? No, i missed.

VIOLENCE & GORE: Two men hug and one begins gnawing on the other man's pasta necklace

if i let fan-mail go to my head, i'd be some kind of bizarre demigod overlord of condescending zeal "welcome to taco bell. can i take your order?" "SILENCE, PEON. I WILL CONSUME THREE CHEESY GORDITA CRUNCHES, AND YOU WILL PROVIDE THEM IN A VELVET CARRYING CASE LINED WITH THE FINEST LINEN PRODUCED IN ALL OF ASIA, AND YOU WILL DO IT BY THE TIME I DRIVE UP TO THE WINDOW OR YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR INSIGNIFICANT LIFE"

Virtually Worthless (VW)

*visibly shaking* has anybody else noticed how beautiful everything is?

*voice of man having a profound epiphany* When your are hungry you become mad and upset

Vortexia had already passed out on the floor of his office. Left alone, I sat up and opened the umm-teenth can of Cola for the evening, then sat down again and turned to face the ominous grey box which dominated so much of my life. [...] It eventually came to me that the Cyberpunk nation was in fact united purely by its fragmentation. [...] Lost. The forgotten minority. The people with no hatred...

Vote for me and I will make werewolves real

Vote in the 1st Annual Turd-Off!

$4000 for a couch? you could feed some kid in africa for TEN YEARS for that couch but could you sit on him afterward?

*wakes up in the dragon world* what theelder dragon: your finally awake . youve been dreaming this whole time and now you are a dragon me: woah and i can have a dragon girlfriend too?elder dragon: you already have 100 dragon girlfriends... theyve been waiting...

Waking up in a pool of vomit and urine is common with me.

Walking around high as hell rubbing my damn belly

walking around the dashboard at four in the morning stepping on all the creaking posts loud as fuck

*walking into the morgue to find body parts scattered across the floor* oh my god who closed last night

walking out of subway with two footlongs and tying them to the roof of my car

*walks through a bead curtain*

Wall Street expects crash hit comedy from Marx Brothers: MS-DAS CAPITAL.

i hate having my room right next to the bathroom i have to hear my dad take a shit EVEN DEATH METAL DOESNT COVER ALL THE FREQUENCIES MY DAD'S ASS BROADCASTS ON

So i was walking by some house and some hot girl was staring at me from the house so i go closer and shes still staring at me it turns out IT WAS A FUCKING LAMP

Wanna put my tender heart in a blender

Want to watch a live birth on mushrooms

Wanted - Crazy Roommate!

Wanted - Someone to Put a Boot in My Ass

Wanted: DEAD Ringneck Dove

WANTED: BUTT-CRACK SPAGHETTI FOTO

Wanted: Horrifying Amalgam of My Exes

Wanted: One Male Bed-Filler

WANTED: Total Shitbag

war in the walmart

“warm, shallow seas” is one of the most beautiful phrases in paleontology and it's everywhere... these mollusks lived in warm, shallow seas... scientists think that photosynthetic life evolved in warm, shallow seas... in that era the Earth was covered by warm, shallow seas...I wish I was resting by an antediluvian warm, shallow sea

(WARNING 250K FILE!)

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. -- Random Access Humor zine, Jan 1993

WARNING!! This website deals with many subjects that may be offensive or inappropriate for some viewers. If you are under 18, or if such subjects violate your community standards of decency, please do not continue. If you are intolerant, bigoted, small-minded, or normal in any sense of the word, I would urge you to go elsewhere, lest your minds be irreparably changed and your closely-held beliefs challenged and broken. You have no one to blame for your depravity.

Warning: Bagpipes Kill

WARNING: DO NOT TAKE ANY HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE OR YOU WILL NOT QUALIFY FOR YOUR FREE GIFT.

WARNING: I'm not a doctor. WARNING #2: I was wasted on Hawaiian Kona when I wrote this. WARNING #3: Take the following with a grain of salt (or a cup of coffee). -- "The REAL truth about coffee and caffeine", Whatever zine

WARNING: Several Animals Where savagely beaten to death in the making of this page, Including but not limited to: Kittens, Puppies and fuzy little Bunnies also several monkeys where force fed crack and speed, just to see how long it would take for there hearts to explode (it took about 5 minutes) and someone shot a duck

Was at a restaurant with my daughter, after we ate the waiter came with the bill, it said 86.99. My daughter yelled out to the waiter to tell him the bill was wrong and corrected him to 54.20. The waiter went back in the kitchen to check and my daughter was right. He told up we get this meal in the house for correcting him. Yup got a full dinner for free. Everyone clapped when the waiter left.

was it SINCERE, was it CATHARTIC, did it SUMMON ANY ORCS, did the orcs PILLAGE YOUR CITY, was there UNTOLD DESTRUCTION, were they FREAKY

*washes up unconscious on the shore* Yaaaaayyy

Washing ashore must feel good as fuck#prev help#i think this is one of those things thats like how most people dont know that in real life if youre fully unconscious for more than like-#a few seconds from a head injury. youre dead

watcging fred flintsone get his car tipped over by the big rack of ribs and yelling "Shit like this wouldnt fly these days" at the tv

Watch out for falling objects, and lightning strikes from above.

Watch out! This spell might make you PREGNANT!

watching your prized pet hog for the weekend, the moment you leave and i open the door he jumps at me in an aggressive manner and cuts his throat clean open on my shark tooth necklace (this is 2004) and dies before he hits the ground. entire event is less than 2 seconds

WAX LADY OF MYSTERIOUS CITIZENSHIP AND UNKNOWN ETHNIC ORIGIN!

We all have problems. Minnesota is NOT the solution.

we all love 100% polyester clothing

We are all Children of Cthulhu -- especially the ones with lots of tentacles.

we are hor nee

we are in truble

we are smoking wistful memories

we are the boplings! please feed us!

we are the daughters of the hamburgers you couldn't help

We Are the Daughters of the Microbes Who Could Survive in an Oxygen-rich Atmosphere

we can’t talk here contact me in my dream tonight

we could have a disgusting thing going on if you want

we dont chaos kill that many people.

we dont have skulls and we eat floppy disks

We found an oxymoron in the term "clean make-up". To be changed from the natural (which is to say, clean) you need to be made up into something different, and therefore you need something called "make-up" to do that. -- Cropduster zine #1, 1992, reviewing YM magazine

We have a Nation of heros and we have plenty of good ideas. Let's get to work.

We have been in the urine business a long time, but we always get excited when we discover a new use for this incredibly renewable resource!

We hereby announce the existance of a most insidious organization. It's decomposed, sickly, a waste. Never have you, the upwardly mobile denizens of Calgary been presented with such well-timed stupidity. What you will find in this publication will shock, annoy, offend and bore. [...] Our purpose is to destroy the standards of the local bbs skene with our moronic jokes, our obnoxious sense of humors, and an ample supply of unfunny pranks. -- "We Need Your THORAZINE!", SOSHUTUP! zine #1

WE LOVE WOMEN...Honestly! It's just that our love for them rises to gastronomic porportions.

We met on Internet Archive in the comment section of a calculator user manual from 1973.

WE MOTHERFUCKING, PISSING SHITTING, RIDE ON!

We MUST all go to the ocean and collectively PUSH BACK THESE MONSTRATIVE PLATES!

we need to get more autistic, all of us

we need to get nerf guns and big inflatable mallets right now its all we fucking have

we need to stop abusing substances. Let's start loving substances instead

We never saw a snuff film that we didn't like.

We rip tickey tape off our leg hair! Brady Bunch all day we stare! We're gunned down... You think we care? ENTROPY --> like a starving hog so fast... ENTROPY --> like a stickman with cement shoes... ENTROPY --> like a Republican saving money... ENTROPY --> We are all Nothing. All nothing. Nothing. -- "The Entropic Theme Song", HoE zine #1, 1994

We should hang out soon before one of us evolves or disappears

we should have started rioting when they took cd and dvd player slots out of laptops

we smoking folded blanket

we smoking nothing. we have nothing

we speakin on the weewee board

WE SUMMON THE DOLLARS THREE

We want the climbing community to realize that 83.5% of our selection commitee had 72.8% of our qualifications with a significance level of 12.2 and 19.87%, respectivly. Nothing to hide here.

we were not born to text we were put on this earth to smoke blunts and jerk eachother off in massive fields of soft grass on a breezy sunny day

We'll call him the "Owner", because that's how the creature behaves... like he owns the BBS.

we're deprived of fiction that caters to my specific niche fetishes

we're smoking text posts

weak men will be mauled to death by caterpillars in 2023 Awesome, God is Love

Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign

Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

wearing my I Would Rather Be Suffering In Hell Right Now t-shirt to brunch

WEARING nothin but a bug earlier it was upsetting

weather so nice i've decided to free a hostage

"Weedpepper" Is their realy such thing as a Marajana pepper

weird me out? no. you've weirded me in. let's merge souls

welcome to body world (inhales shakily through my clenched teeth) a world where everyone has a body

Welcome to Chernobyl, I'll be your guide.

welcome to forbiddens lands .you will be killed soon.

Welcome To My Castle, Please, Come In And Make Yourself Comfortable. You Look Tired, But I Imagine You Must Be After Such A Long Journey.

welcome to my tower

welcome to my twisted fries

Welcome to the citadel of eternal wisdom. Behold, this crystal contains the sum of all human knowledge -- Except Rap And Country

Welcome to the sperm rodeo little buckaroo

WELCOME! SENTIENT BEINGS, ALL! You have stumbled upon a nesting site of virulent undead....Be afraid....

Well everyone, I am giveing out a bitch of the day, I approached some one today and now this person had a mowhawn and a chain going from his ear to his nose, but he was whereing a manson shirt. Now I was in my work cloths (slacks and golf shirt) but I told him that he had on a cool shirt. This little son of a bitch looked at me and said, Fuck off grand pa, this reach out and touch the youth shit does now work on me!!! WTF!!!!! I was in aww just for a sec. I can not believe that this little bastard said this to the dark one HIMSELF!!! so I gave him my card and told him to visit the site, so I am going to keep my eyes out for this bastard if he tries to join the forum. may the fleas of a thousand camels infest in his arm pits!!!

well hello you fat ass arrogant thing you. You really think you are hot stuff eh? I say shittttttt I doubt it.I could care less if you ever answer my letter but I like some one to tell off it is great. Your site sucks big time too. it is a piece of shit. you look like your dog the wrong end that is heh heh heh heh. I hate talking to you cause I know that when you lay down with the dogs you get up with the fleas.In your case probably body lice. I can just see your pad too where you set up in and read on the internet all night it is a pig sty from hell right? RIGHT!! I can tell you are a hate filled pig you reek of it. Well hog jaws got to go now so have a really shit filled day. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arm pits by dawn. May many warts grow upon that ugly puss of yours too. With hair sticking out of everyone if them and one very large red boil on the end of your big fat flabby nose. I am sure you have eaten so much you can not even drive your own car any more. So have a big mac attack asshole bye.

well I was actually talking about the abundant tacos of south texas

Well this bell could be tolling for anybody

well yeah i have a pet hydra and it only has one head. i'm not going to cut its head off just to make it look cooler, you asshole. that's seriously unethical. and i'm not letting you cut its head off either. if you really want a hydra with multiple heads, you should go for a rescue- but if you want your pet to look cooler at the cost of its physical health, maybe you shouldn't get any kind of pet at all. no, the hydra's not for guarding my evil tower, it's my pet. have you ever heard of a pet? like a puppy or a kitty? you think i can't defend my evil tower by my self?

Well, today, 840401, this is at last the Socialist Union of Soviet Republics joining the Usenet network and saying hallo to everybody. One reason for us to join this network has been to have a means of having an open discussion forum with the American and European people and making clear to them our strong efforts towards attaining peaceful coexistence between the people of the Soviet Union and those of the United States and Europe. We have been informed that on this network many people have given strong anti-Russian opinions, but we believe they have been misguided by their leaders, especially the American administration, who is seeking for war and domination of the world. And now, let's open a flask of Vodka and have a drink on our entry on this network. So: NA ZDAROVJE! -- K. Chernenko, Moscow, USSR

Well, we knew that it would happen before too long. Yesterday, Oral Roberts was filmed standing on the Berlin Wall. He wants to raise 1 million marks by the end of the year, or he claims that the good Lord will close the wall forever!

Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back. If it isn't my one year old son I accidentally left at the park

"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask. "No, on my account, stupid."

Were they giving away “Computers For Idiots” books down at the abortion clinic?

What a f'in RIDE!!! DeAtH rituals commence . .. ... ..... ......

what are three thousand things you associate with me

what are ur most disliked pokemons...I hope every eeveelution gets run over by an SUV

What can only be described as a “Wisconsin biped”

what could we ever have do?

what did dragons fuck before cars were invented

What did she expect me to do, waste a perfectly good Hot Pocket?!?! SCREW YOU MOM, I’M HUNGRY AND THIS IS THE LAST PEPPERONI ONE

What do you call a man who has herpes, syphilis and AIDS? An incurable romantic!!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner!

what do you mean you dont want to sacrifice anyone at the party tonight

WHAT HAS MR. STICKLEBACK FORGOTTEN? WILL THE MATHS CLASS BE LIBERATED BEFORE LUNCHTIME? WILL THE WRITING OF THIS STUFF IMPROVE BY THE NEXT EPISODE? WILL THE FIRST WORD OF THE NEXT SENTENCE BEGIN WITH 'W'? NO. IS ANYBODY STILL READING THIS SHIT? WHAT'S THE POINT OF WRITING IT? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'FORTY-TWO'? -- The Toxic Custard Workshop Files, Part Two, 1990

what if i bashed you against the wall until you were red mush but in a cute way

what if I dangled a string in front of your face

What if our world were the same except all bird beaks had always been soft and floppy

What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by-product of dark suckers? Heat, again.

What is a good defense against the Men in Black? "Laughter," Rojcewicz said. "If they ask you why you're laughing, tell them, 'Rojcewicz told me to do it.'"

what is nasa trying to hide

What is, then, at the south pole? The Edge of the World. It is surrounded by a huge mountain range.

what makes the anglerfish so nefarious? how do you know his heart? is it because he looks a little different from you and me? is it because you think he looks strange?

"what say we up the ante." i said, as i threw a ball of dead ants at the prime minister

what side are cyclopses' tear ducts on and other things my wife didn't want to talk about at dinner

what the

What the fuck does a wizard need an entire tower for he always just has like a table with an alchemy set on it and nothing else. Does not warrant living in a tower. Just do it in a shack dude. youre overdoing it. Not to mention all those stairs, combined with your age

What the hell do I have for lunch?

what the hell even is a webp image. i dont care fuck why cant you play nice and just be a png. asshole image

What the hell is wrong with you flaky morons in the For Sale areas?

“what time do you get off?” well that’s not really any of your business now is it

WHAT TIME WOULD YOU LIKE ME HERE TOMORROW TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU?!

What to do when your mega-hertz...Doctor has startling suggestion: Easy DOS it.

whatever dude i dont even look that tormented mostly

whatever is happening right now, I promise you will be ok

whats everyones favorite gas price? mine is $3.29

Whats the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture? The vulture at least waits till your dead to eat out your heart!

“WHA– THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF! It's like, the controls in this game are like somethin' you'd do for a cheat code! Not a BASIC MOVE that ya have to do, in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an ASININE, BALL-BRAINED, COCKAMAMIE, RIDICULOUS FASHION?! It's like JEEZ, there's four buttons right on the front of the controller! BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead they have to like, program it like, all into like, weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like Up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game! Select should be like for the menus or somethin'. I mean, jeez, like were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just fuck it up?! Well they did! Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever!”

when a browser loses old tabs and it’s what the fuck those were heirlooms

When a plane rolls over it means it wants belly rubs.

When a virus enters your computer, you eliminate it. Bin Ladin and company is one of the worst kind of virus !! ELIMINATE IT !! PERMANENTLY !!

When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

When god created the world, he put all the plants on it too. Now if god didn't mean for us to get high, then he would'nt have made this fine rarity.

WHEN I CAN GET A FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON THE GODDAMN TELEPHONE AT THE FUCKING DMV/PHARMACY/CABLE COMPANY THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY I LIVE. -- NOT A SCOOTER!

When i delete a post it goes back inside me

when i die i hope i come back as a beautiful microscopic granule of sand

WHEN I DIE I HOPE MY PHOTO ENDS UP ON THIS SITE.ITS THAT GOOD.TO ANY ONE WHO DISLIKES THIS SORT OF THING.I HOPE U DIE OF AIDS.HA HA HA

when i die i want my remains disposed of “buffet style”

When I go to a house party I calculate the carbon footprint and announce the total at midnight. I am not invited to parties anymore.

When I see a street-sign that says "SLOW CHILDREN" I think great, now they'll be easier to hit.

When I travel through a big city and I see the dark, seedy underbelly of society, I like to rub it because that makes society go to sleep. Just precious.

when i was a kid my parents bought me an inflatable doll of the Scream by Edvard Munch (??) that was significantly taller than i was at the time and i used to slow-dance with it and pretend it was my boyfriend. It had its hands attached to its head obviously so it felt like he was always a bit horrified to be forced to dance with me

When I was a kid, the AC reminded me of my uncle. Now as an adult, it reminds me of him more so.

When I was five years old, my dad put me in the microwave.

When I'm not huffing spray paint from paper bags or negotiating peace in the Middle East, my thoughts often turn to women.

When I'm working in the garage with my pals I encourage the ABF rule. A - Always, B - Be, F-Farting. (One must not forget to critique. FWEEEEEET! Ooooh! That one was loud.)

When limp bizkit comes on at the bowling alley and you unleash hatred upon the pins.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

when the author describes someone dying and you can just tell they've never actually died by the way it's written

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact

When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

When the dude in her bio dies

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore" nope. not true "When the world seems to shine like you'v" thats bullshit too

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

When the time comes you can fill HELL with MINIVANS, FAMILY INSURANCE PREMIUMS, AND LITTLE LEAGUES.

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

when they stopped putting cd drives in laptops we ALL lost

when u play a game long enough u start to play it mentally ill style

WHEN WE CAN DRINK BEER AND EAT CANDY AND LOSE WEIGHT, THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY WE LIVE.

" when you commit homicide you are playing grab ass with the devil " - Sheriff's Department

When you roll a crit fail so decide to kill a 6 year old.

When you've given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

whenever i see a fly while im peeing i shoot it outta the air

Whenever I see other people having fun I think “I could just kill them”

where did i export my pee?

WHERE THE MAIN COURSE IS ALWAYS A TASTY DISH!

WHEREAS, HOST desires to make available certain facilities and foodstuffs as specified in ARTICLE 1 in a "barbecue" format (hereinafter "EVENT") and GUEST is prepared to attend said facilities and consume said foodstuffs as specified in ARTICLE 2 of this agreement. HOST shall make available to GUEST a grilling device suitable for the barbecue process. Temperature of grill shall be sufficiently hot as to char all surfaces which make direct contact with grill, but not so hot as to char surfaces which do not directly contact grill, unless surface is allowed to remain on grill for an excessive period (to be determined by HOST). GUEST IS ADVISED TO BRING AN ITEM SUITABLE FOR GRILLING. GUESTS lacking items suitable for grilling are welcome at EVENT, but in such case HOST assumes no responsibility for GUEST'S participation in barbecue process. This in no way implies that HOST assumes any responsibility for anything whatsoever, under any circumstances. EVENT is offered "AS IS" without warranty of any kind, either expressed or implied, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose.

Wheres my toy or i'll get mad now

wheres the bread op

whether its that Hot rock N' roll or Cool jazz, well we can know what the one thing is that we all can agree on, is that it is "Pretty good"

Which one are you more excited for? Poop or internals?

which one of you mother fuckers said im going to go volunteer at the dog shelter, as a Dog. disgusting comment

which toe is the star of the foot? if you think it's the big toe, you're a showboating creep. if you think it's the pinky you're a grovelling pest. and if you think it's any of the three middle ones you're a paper-thin contrarian. no substance, no intellect. you're disgusting

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

ppl who put down other ppl from other countries are basicly ingnorant...We are all from the human race and the sooner ppl can put away their bias, the sooner they can be dominated by the USA

Whither goest thou Old Chinese Woman who stroked my shaft on the F Train between 34th St. and Rock Center?! Whither goest thou!?

<@whm> "A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable."

who gors there ,

who is the Toronto baseball warlock

Who lets them out to meet the eighteen wheeler of Christ?

Who lost vegas ?

Who needs tables of contents? They're just so people who don't to read the whole 'zine can say they have. Screw you and your tables of contents, bastard. -- POUPEY zine #1

who noticed that their clothes did not wear out, and did not even get shiny at the knees, while the elbows defied the ravages of time, and their shoes remained perfect for forty years [...] it is absolutely astonishing that they had more faith in a golden calf that they made themselves, than in Jehovah. QUESTION. How is it that the Jews had no confidence in these miracles? ANSWER. Because they were there and saw them. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m

"who the hell is that, dracula?" - thing i'm apparently not supposed to say every time the doorbell rings

Who tied my clit to the door and slammed it shut so it would fly off? Was it you? Well I forgive you

who up dinking they oiter

who wanna come over and have floor time

who wanna play pigeons with meeeee ^_^ i'll be tbe cigarette butt

Who wants to get fucked up on the green neolithic slime that makes you hallucinate to death?

Who wants to hang out and activate each other’s fight or flight responses

who will kiss m e when im dead

Who's excited for cold hamburger helper with absolutely no benadryl in it?

WHOAAA MY TWITTER IS BLOWIN UP TONIGHT!!! *takes frozen dinner out of the microwave and cuts a slit in the cellophane above the corn*

So I'm sitting at the lunch table with mostly girls and the conversation wanders about the usual subjects. Eventually someone say the word "Jizz" And that goody goody girl with the 4.0 GPA and who is very sweet and innocent says, "whats jizz?" Silence and muffled laughter ensues, one of the girls says "Its something guys do." So she says "...oh... okay.." Next period, english class, miss clueless raises her hand. "Excuse me, can I go to the Lav, I have to Jizz."

Whoops - stepped in dog shit. --- By the Drake Hotel Round that L S D corner Whoa shit, hit the brakes

Why A Polyurethane Ass is Better Than a Girlfriend

why am i living in this universe and not in any of the alternative ones i've made up

Why are people anti hairy ass… I thought we were faggots

why breed dogs with jaws large enough to tear through Flesh, when you could breed dogs with minds large enougj to tear through Fallacy.....

why can't we suck him with NUANCE the LAST thing america needs is more MISINFORMATION

“Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try?! No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. "Purple for putrid gameplay", "blue for bad musical abominations", "green for graphical farts and garlic", "yellow for piss-poor lack of loyalty to source material", "orange for "orange (aren't) you a fuckin' idiot?!"", and "red for high-stress anger-inducing masochism". Put that all together, you got all the colors of the shit rainbow. Hooray, LJN.”

why do 90% of all medicines sound like cool wizard

Why do all minotaurs in media have nipple rings. Who's piercing their nipples. and How do I qualify for this job.

WHY DO I HAVE TO SELL MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL JUST TO AFFORD YOU?

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...

why is everything made of ROCKS ??? this shit SUCKS!!! - a flintstone who has had enough

Why should we send missionaries to China if we can not convert the heathen when they come here? [...] They see [...] that they are just and patient, kind and tender; that they never resort to force; that they have no prejudice on account of color, race, or religion [...] Surely, such peoples ought to live together in perfect peace. -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Wooden God", 1890

why thog need smoke herb we just go to berry bush

my power went out the other day. good thing my camera had a flash. i went to make a sandwich and took 90 pictures of my kitchen.... the neighbors called the police they thought it was lightening in my house

Wild...as a shithouse mouse.

will bird food show up in a drug test time sensitive

Will everyone just fuck each other already?!

WILLIAM SAFIRE'S RULES FOR WRITING 1) Remember to never split an infinitive. 2) The passive voice should never be used. 3) Do not put statements in the negative form. 4) A verb has to agree with their subjects. 5) Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 6) If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 7) A writer must not shift your point of view. 8) And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 9) Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with. 10) Don't overuse exclamation marks !!!!!!!!! 11) Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents. 12) Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 13) If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 14) Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 15) Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 16) Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 17) Always pick on the correct idiom. 18) The adverb always follows the verb. 19) Eschew obfuscation. 20) Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

so tired 3am it's only 11am. you should be wide awake ... wtf dude, i live in america. our time is the correct time. therefore, you should be awake >:|

wish that chimp finished strangling Ronald Reagan

wishing you luck in all future endeavors, both on and off the toilet

with that attitude you need to go to McManners and order a cordial pleaseburger. with extra polite.

“with that being said, other than the lawsuit and the declarations, I simply support Manson the way I want. I have been reading Max Stirner's The Ego And Its Own on and off, and I came to the conclusion that I don't need to follow certain dogmas that Evan Rachel Wood's supporters say (e.g., "If you support Manson, then you are a horrible piece of human garbage"). morality is something we have created as a construct of human perception and why should I follow something that keeps getting shoved down my throat??!! I should follow my own path and support whoever I like!”

Wizard Fact #42: The real reason you're not supposed to stick a fork into your toaster is because you might stab one of the wizards in there

wizard hat cowboy brim

wizard hat that is also a lava lamp

Wizard robe but it has a side slit.

Wizard staff sized hitachi magic wand

wizard tip of the day: i can and will kill again

Wizard with a floppy hat needs some Abra Viagra

wizards of the coast is really innovating if you're into apocalyptically incestuous cultural sludge, digested and regurgitated to only barest recognisability for viable producteering

Woah, had a dream I eat a huge marshmallow n I woke up n my pillow was gone, I check my dad room n he was fuckin it real damn hard

1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business Reply Mail Envelope. 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold in your hand. 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away whistling. I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me. Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

Won't you take me to PRECIOUSTOWNNN

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

wonder what the bonglord up to

Isn't America at war against the Middle Endians?

word on the street is if you suffer in just the right way for just long enough youll be rewarded

World’s first neutering [x]

Would it be disrespectful to draw a bald Britney Spears and myself rubbing heads while I shave my head (in the drawing?)

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

would you still love me if i was a small iridescent freshwater fish

wow these edibles truly are not shit#what a shame i was excited about having edibles again. oh well#theyre not nothing theyre just not going to last me very long lol

Wow, what a cute little but -hole.

Write on the bathroom wall: The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!

Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats Her" 1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_.

WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument

what I love is how leonardo never manages to stab anyone. so you believe the part about fucking turtles living on pizza and standing 5 feet tall but the guy with swords doesnt stab anyone and it ruins the realite for you heh lol

don't confuse barbecues with hookers the only way you can tell them apart is to set them on fire if it runs away, it's a hooker if it stays, it's a barbecue or a dead hooker

Xeno Ziva is a being that grew up eating the energy of ancient dragons who died, and was born by absorbing the life energy of dead ancient dragons by bewitching the ancient dragons whose death was nearing death and making them come to where they were. And in the process, the new continent was born It thrived on this overflowing land. Many say that it looks like an alien creature because its skin glows blue and looks soft and translucent. Breath sound effects and crying sounds tend to add to this feeling.

XO1KORNKLOWNXO1: anybody heard of cannable coarpses

america is bart, canada is millhouse

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

who here uses a dildough only when i'm making some dilbread

Xxkittyvomitxx: HEY SHUT UP FOR I STICK MY LARGE DIRTY COWBOY BOOTS UP UR EVEN LARGER ASSHOLE

Y0U WILL USE NORTON SYSTEMWORKS (A $300 VALUE FOR ONLY $38.95) TO PURCHASE 37 MILLION SHARES OF TONER CORP STOCK.

irc is just a google frontend with more insults

ya ever tasted respect women juice before? it tastes like hot velveeta cheese

yall ever wanna like, be a ninja turtle?? beat up bad guys, eat pizza, no job, fuck…that's the life.

yaouch! that hurts me when you hit me until I'm blood

yaouch! that hurts me when you hit me until I'm blood

Yeah baby gimme one of them good smelling burps this time

yeah dude you gotta try this strain its called poison and it makes you kill people.

Yeah i advocate for violence, but just funny violence, and sometimes not funny violence

yeah I have Havana syndrome. Havan a good time syndrome lol

yeah i wont even tell you what the skullsmasher3000 does. just sit real still and let it work its charm

yeah I'm a fag. what about it. shows you a little boucy ball from my pocket with a giant bite taken out of it. now scram. ass hole

yeah take that future the past is supream

yeah whatever pal; im such an asshole for feeding my nail clippings to the birds at the park instead of sending em off to the dunp. fuck off

yeah yeah sure Greater Baja Blast is still banned but you know what? fuck the wizard council! i’m gonna invent Supreme Baja Blast, and it’s gonna make Greater Baja Blast look like a piddly little fuckin cantrip, that’s how much i don’t give a shit about what the council says. fuck em

Yeah, it's the scoliosis

Year, n: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

Years of personal growth can be unraveled in 2 days at your parents house

Years of research has gone into making this post

Yeastiality is illegal under Jewish law I think.

Yes i can confirm ive eaten the dire wolfs. I slow cooked them in the pit "Memphis style". I had them for dinner and it cost me $500 per dog

YES YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING DEAD AS LONG AS YOU DIDNT KILL THEM. A FRIEND OF MINE JUST SOLD A SKULL ON E-BAY

Yes, it was big. And ugly. And smelly. But none of that was important, because it was my big, ugly, smelly thing that I had found at the landfill and no one could take it away from me. Unless they felt like it.

Yes, that's my name. I'm trying not to get killed.

Yes, that’s a gun in my pants. No, I’m not happy to see you.

Yes. Its true. Cannibalism is an artform and a philosophy.

Yesterday was hell

yet another nasty night out with the boys

YIKES, THATS FREAKY-DEAKY!!!

Yo everyone its so good when your a kid that love mario

yo mama so stupid she dies on draculas BOAT

yo YO WHAT IF you put a dildo on a toy racecar and raced it through the wake at your dad's funeral until the batteries ran out

Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

you aint nothing but a hoglet

you and I were like. pees in a pod. oops sorry i accidentally peed in your pod. anyway as i was saying you and i are pretty fucking similar

you are alive on a planet with insects and whales and diatoms and mycelium networks and puppies and your human friends. literally so awesome to be a living thing

You are entering a website that contains really cool scenes of graphic nudidity. You must be 21 or older to enter, like I can really stop you, right? But I gotta have this or the Feds will come right down on me just like the last 7 times... Just humor me, OK?

you are just like computer file i delete you

you are my coworker and to some extent my victim

you are not betraying anyone by not doing what you do not want to do.

You are not three apples tall bitch you are an evil ghoul and you are tall as fuck

You are now listening to a three-hour-old chick giving its opinion of things in general.

You are on the internet, You are online, But deep in the Earth the fires burn

You are on top of the empire state building and you try to step on an ant and its really a brown Volvo on 34th street

you are sick , very sick, what gives you the right to say anything or make up anything about anyone. i just have to concider the source, i guess ass hole statement come from ass holes

You aren't a racialized marxist leninist revolutionary in the global south you're a white european that gets into fights with random people of color on the internet

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

you ask mogel once for an interview... (mogel) I don't do interviews. twice... (mogel) I'm not one for self-indulgence. three times (mogel) I just write stupid t-files. four... (mogel) pip do you like gumby's poetry? and then he folds on the fifth... (mogel) fine. -- IDCIYRT zine, "interview with mogel"

you break all my thing you KILL my family, you knoeckd over my scanner

You buy 'em books and you buy 'em books and they just chew on the covers.

You call the police at 3:00 in the morning to stop the lady upstairs from making noise because she bit into a potato chip

"You can 'denial of service' me, but you can never DENY the TRUTH!"

you can begin again and again and again for the rest of your life

You can eat meat left on the counter all night because the night air keeps it cool its not warm at night its cool

You can only watch.

You can prick your finger, but never finger your prick.

you can tell i took my meds today

You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

you can't expect me to live my life like this. it's like asking an ice road trucker to truck across a normal road

“You can't have your cake and eat it too” what about the, oh I don't know 30000 times I've eaten cake you fuckin idiot

you cannot advertise to me in a way that matters

you cant fucking hurt me bitch im protected by the migratory bird act

You can’t control me!! Im like a tornado! Woosh!

You can’t see cum in Polaroids.

You certify that you are old enough that view the contents of this site according to your local laws and agree not to hold the author responsible in anyway, and SUBMIT to the dragon!?

You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again

You collect dead windowsill flies.

you could've just done a Haiku......"Red Hat sucks my cock......OpenBSD rolls over the penguin......As I shave Linus Torvald's Mother's back"

You date me, You date Jesus - m4w

You deserve a lava lamp.

you dhould be your own person. you are so young and insecure. at this rate you will never be able to find the cup or the scepter

You don't buy beer, you rent it.

you dumb asshole, you just won $0,000

you ever think your 2 differnet people? like there is 1 person you are when your around certain people and your another when your around another group? or there is a side of you that wants to do certain things but you don't because your worried about what others will think. I'm gonna throw this in here. ya wanna know why? because i can, i might just get to you, god forbid things make you think for once, instead of the typical drone society has made. when that bitch repeats the same story over and FUCKING OVER to different people. it makes me sick, i can see her at home, pondering how to be cool and do what others will like. fuck that. quit talking to yourself.

You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01"

You get sucked into a jet turbine and the gore that sprays out is all covered in little kisses

You get up in the middle of the night, look back at the empty bed and call the police to say 'I've been kidnaped'

You go way too fast Fuck these games, they suck ass You should watch what your singing Playing this shit's gonna break your neck So shut, shut your mouth 'Cause diarrhea's coming out I've had enough, enough of you Shit should last a life time through So what do you wanna play? Got no words of sympathy When I'm here, these games are through Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts are so screwed Na na na na na na na na na na na (Now we're gonna crash) Na na na na na na na na na na na (Shitty games falling out your ass)

you gotta let go of the past. im not letting you back into my court. you tried to poison me and you ended up killing my favorite fool. im not giving you your balls back ei-ther.

you have a disgusting “true love” fetish

you have an viruse

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

you have to be a pillar of the community to see dead kids

You have to eat your oldest leftovers first

you just yucked yer last yum you pearl clutchin city slicker

you know back then they didn't use to romanticize the past

you know what. im dropping the subject and going outside to sip some cool lemonade. Enjoy your circle jerlk

You know when you're drinking do you put your top lip in the drinky like a little fishy?

you know you gotta go to bed when you start seeing the skull

you know, during heatwaves, i imagine being inside him because he’s room temperature at the very warmest

you look like the kinda girl who'd open up ms paint back in the day select the spray paint tool and click and hold to watch it slowly turn into a perfect circle

you make one fucking post where the point is “women are encouraged to develop disordered eating from a very young age and that impacts how we view the ‘natural’ size and shape of women” and too many reblogs later i am being accused of saying short people wouldn’t exist if they ate better growing up. i’m sorry but if you genuinely think i was saying that you are just a buffoon. i cannot and will not sanction your buffoonery.

You may be wondering if I'm joking or serious. I'm joking _and_ serious. To be ludic is not to be ludicrous. -- from "The Abolition of Work" by Bob Black

You might want to see a wizard doctor about that, they're not supposed to stay upright forever, it can cause strain and damage.

YOU MUST BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT MY SPELING(HA,HA).SEE YOU ARE JUST STRESSING OVER THINGS YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.(WITHOUT CONTROL,YOU ARE JUST A PUPPET,IN A CONTROLLING WORLD-----ME

You must not allow your children to listen to recordings known as "Rock and Roll"

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

you only love me for my brainwashing spores that make everyone love me. hmph

YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK TO MY FUCKIN STOMACHE!! I WISH I COULD SEE THE GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THIS SITE SO I COULD BLOW CHUNKS ALL OVER HIS FACE!! IM SURE HE WOULD FIND THAT VERY AMUSING DONT YOU THINK YOU SICK DERANGED FUCKS OUT THERE?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

you peopleare sick!~!!!!!! why would you even try that. you would have to be a dirty roten whor to get jiz all over your face !!!!! Gop aop yop fop gop iop top sop sop !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You picked the wrong 7-11 employee to mess with this time, buddy.

"You put on a robe, it puts you in the mood."

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

“you should be the bigger person” absolutely not. i’m cursing his entire bloodline.

you silly necropheliac

YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND TOOK A MAN-MUSTARD INJECTION...

You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job

You then will ask, if I came up with this, how come I can't bend spoons with a thought.

You try busting your BEHIND off every day at WAL-MART, pushing carts in the SCORCHING SUN and listening to old ladies argue over fabric sizes and THEN TELL ME ABOUT A HARD DAY AT WORK.

You try to phone a friend by dialing your wife's birth control pill case

you two bastards hopping around in it like two fatties at an all you can eat buffet.

YOU WILL BURN IN HELLFIRE ETERNAL FOR POSTING THAT!!

you will roll out a long piece of clay and curl it up into the shape a snail.

YOU WILL TRADE THE PHEROMONES FOR A SINGLE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL FILLED WITH A FREE THIRTY-DAY SUPPLY, WHICH WILL ENLARGE YOUR PACKAGE EVEN FURTHER.

YOU WILL USE THE AUCTION SITE TO FIRE YOUR BOSS AND CLAIM YOUR PORTABLE DVD PLAYER FROM THE SECRET ANTI-WRINKLE AGENT.

you wou.ldnnt download a billion years of pain demons

You're a balloon now. Oh, you mean, how are you still managing to exist as two thin sheets of latex separated by some air? How are you able to talk, move around, squirt various fluids? Well...um...it's a secret. Yeah yeah, that's it! A secret. It's part of the magic which makes us special. Treasure it. Feel free to speculate endlessly on the whole thing as well, since that's always good for when a buncha balloonies are yakking about it. Bounce around a bit. Get used to gravity not having such a firm grip as before. Bounce around a bit-be silly. You're a balloon, aren't you? Start acting like one!

You're a unicellular biproduct of a parasitical monomorphichydrophorus ecologoli.

You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fucking pets are being skinned alive. Your mom's a fucking whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're going to hell. Live with it. Game over.

you're just mad because im annoying you and getting on your nerves on purpose

you're lucky this sneeze guard is between us or I'd turn you into a van Gogh you fucking SA!!!

you're my hairy little pie

"You're not allowed smoking on the bus."

You're outstanding in your field, and that's where you should be - out standing in your field.

You're supposed to put a load in your cunt and let it sit there for a couple hours... your skin will become flawless... though your belly may grow.

You're the Hasidic Jew who tried to kill me. I'm the girl on the bike. - w4m

You, God, Mother Nature, and that deranged crack-smoking little Cupid guy are all in this together to keep my ass single forever!!!!!

You, with the bot... have you ever kissed a woman?

You. It's been a hard day, hasn't it? Clench your jaw. Lock your knees. Stiffen your arms and tighten your shoulders. Curl your toes into the earth. It's not gonna be okay. Pretty soon this day will be a pleasant memory of how much less painful it all was

youare all just jealous of my severed head

youll all be glad to know that my soul has undergone some much needed healing after i apologized for the earthquakes which killed thousands.

"Young man," she replied, "what's under that skirt is 50 years old. This hat is brand new!" -- a woman explaining why she grabbed her hat instead of her skirt in the wind

YOUR AGRUEMENT IS INVALID

Your artstyle is like your gut microbiome in the way its everything you consume and like and it also has all your bacteria up in it. Thats probably how that works

Your ass hurt.

Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed.

Your coworker with a septum piercing is not going to fix your life and you do not have to play magic the gathering with him. The world is full of demons.

your edible is never going to kick in because you're a bad person

Your father use to roleplay as a tape worm for my pleqsure

Your God is one with whom I am not familiar

YOUR HANDS WERE KINDA BIG AND WHEN YOU CLEARED YOUR THROAT, YOUR COUGH WAS KINDA DEEP.

Your Honor he’s glorifying shitting at work

your honor, i maintain that the prosecution’s video is being played in reverse. in actuality i came upon a village that was already on fire and sucked up all the flames into my special magic wand. i then moonwalked in the wrong direction for some reason

your humorous post has delighted me. i will now absorb it into my dark crystal

your mom is a baked potato your dad's dumb ass is asparagus and you are a god damn green bean

YOUR MYSTIC TAN ADDICTION IS LAME. it does not look natural. you look ORANGE. you look like a big, balding ORANGE mook.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

Your precious garlic

YOUR RESUME WAS SELECTED AS BEING HIGHLY QUALIFIED, BUT THIS IS NOT SPAM!

your sativa, sir

Your shit stink clung to my skin and clothes and skin and made me nauseous for and hour.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

Your wife wants you to promise you'll give up drinking...and you agree

youre hurting your mind&body too early in the day with heavy atoms when you eat steak and eggs for breakfast

youre never alone. bacteria

youre not nothingburger in fact you are everything bagel

you’re just jealous my blood is all over the floor and yours is stuck inside your body

SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL POWERS NOW SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY SECURE FROM HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U GOT NO HOPE MISTER. * YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit: Owned.) * YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined # HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF

yup your getting EIGHT milliliters!!!!!!!!!!!!

heh damn man 93.1mb this is the mightiest log i've ever posessed heheh this is a sociology report waiting to happen heh hehe and excellent fodder for legal lawsuits from assorted companies wanting to protect their intellectual property... * Yuri find/replace warez|iso|bin|nrg|ccd/fluffy bunnies aha haha "wow these guys LOVE bunnies!" "yeah they share em too!" course "over the INTERNET! to FTPS!" "aww bunny videos!" hot rodent on rodent action you'd get stuff like "Man sitting on that desert island sure made me feel fluffy bunnieslated" :E

haha yeah being a plumber would be fucking awesome actually like if i had my own fuckin' company with a van and shit like i'd go in to a plumbing business with a friend cuz like when you got two motherfuckers putting the time and money in you can buy a van you can buy fuckin tools you can buy advertising and shit haha i'd have the funniest fucking public access commercials for my plumbing business like some dude would be taking a shit and he'd jiggle the handle and he'd be like ".....FUCK!" then he falls over on the toilet and grabs the phone and calls me and he's like "HELLPP!!!" then i bust through the fucking wall and fucking beat the shit out of a big monster in the toilet1 with a plunger and the dude is laying in his own shit on the floor with the phone in his hand and after i won the fight he'd be like "THANK YOU ZAMROS INC" and he'd hug me and i'd get shit all over me and i'd be like "ALL IN A DAY'S WORK" and then bust through the other wall

ZangTT> the earth IS flat. it just stuffs its bra.

AFK, tornado

*zaps you with my Wand of Inflict Gunshot Wound*

Zealots attack Jews. Falwall and Farrakind accuse Moses of bringing only 10k down from Mt. Sinai. "What happened to the rest of it?" they charge.

I was walking to the mobil gas station this morning to get my ride to work as I do every morning (weekdays anyway) when I decided that instead of walking the long way around I would just jump the little wall (about 3 feet high) and get there quicker, well when I went to jump the wall I started off with my left foot instead of my right like I usually do and I didn't bring my foot up quick enough thus catching the wall and sending me face first into the ground but somehow I managed to do some wild ninja tuck and roll things ending up on my feet and staring at some guy who was quite bugged eyed so I just raised my arms in a "v" and yelled hazah at the top of my lungs

Zen: What is the sound of one doughnut clapping?

I wrote some norse death metal rap earlier today of course I'd recite it for you! YO I'M A BLONDE MOTHERFUCKER AND I WORSHIP THOR I'M GUNNA USE MY AXE BUST DOWN YOUR DOOR SCREAMING VALHALLA AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS I GOT PHAT RHYMES AND I SPEAK IN TONGUES RAGNAROK THE PARTY LIKE A VALHALLA PARTY RAGNAROK THE PARTY LIKE A VALHALLA PARTY NORSE. (crazy motherfucker with a longship baby) NORSE (gunna kick your ass and I don't mean maybe) NORSE. (crazy motherfucker with a longship baby) NORSE (LONG BLONDE HAIR THAT IS SOFT AND WAVY) fin.

* zYgoat announces a historic moment in the history of powered human flight * zYgoat reaches into his backpack * zYgoat pulls out a rocket powered dildo }===========> * zYgoat jams it up Mikeyben's ass * zYgoat takes a sledgehammer and slams it all the way-in * zYgoat cues up Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More * zYgoat lights the fuse and salutes *** Mikeyben was kicked off #Lopster by zYgoat (zYgoat)

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Massed and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.

ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions. ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it. BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try. NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version. DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget. EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation. FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded. FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer. HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare. IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix. MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors. PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test. REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails. STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition. UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.

For all the dracofiles out there: May the dragons live long in your heart and lets hope all the dragon fans don't abandon there love of dragons.

WARNING: You are now entering the lair of the dragon Shath'tsar. If you have no care for dragons and want to return to the realm of humans then TURN BACK NOW!!

... (in the mall one day)...hey, that guy looks like spock.. cool

Here are some non-x-rated things that have entered my mind at some point or other... enjoy

The file you requested does not exist. We apologize for any trouble, inconvenience, heartbreak, migraines, difficulty in sleeping, vague unfocused angst, roiling hostility, unexpected drops in barometric pressure, surliness in yourself or your co-workers, mouth sores, sexual dysfunction, unwanted celebrity, or distant howling on the very edge of your range of hearing that this may have caused.

If you can't beat them, join them. Then beat them.

Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

I Don't Want To Be Elfstar Any More. I Want To Be More Breakfast Cereals.

Are necrophiliacs always coming on to you?

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

*I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

*The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

*I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead

*Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

Festive (quotes)

A man comes home one day with four brand new snow tires. His wife says, "Why'd you buy snow tires you don't even have a car?" The man says: "Yeah but you buy bras don't you?"

A SECOND TURTLEDOVE HAS HIT THE PEAR TREE

A.... Amanda... wh-where are you. Haven't heard from you....... Christmas Eve. Be...loved... why haven't you..... been on.... or..... e-mail me. I miss you...... not in my... right mind.... without you. I'm like a man.... walking through a dry, dry desert.... with no water.... without you. Beloved.... cries BEEEEE-LOV-ED! sobs

oh dear I ate too many broken gingerbread men not broken, alternatively configured, please and the burned ones can't be given out they have to be eaten *alternatively carbonised *gingerbread people actually, ginger can be offensive sorry, gingerbread people *funnyshapedrootspicepeople

my fatty little brother is pissed b/c I wrote "treadmill" on his Christmas list

Alright Are multiple people paying attention? Here's what I freaking want for Christmas Someone find me a friend A FEMALE FRIEND WHO IS NOT A DUMBASS

and if you still doubt the validity of his great- ness, just consider all the effort the fbi, kgb and daughters of the american revolution are expending to follow and otherwise surveil him. it's true, he told me so, and would a sysop who calls vbbs "really slick" lie? i thought not. -- PUD zine: Snow Fun, 1993

"And these shall go away into everlasting punishment; but the righteous [meaning the Methodists] into life eternal." -- Robert G. Ingersoll, quoting scripture with commentary, "A Christmas Sermon", 1891

angel-voiced 5'2" man forbidden by mayor from performing at this years christmas pageant— "described as upsetting" "this tradition must end"

Another wizard has been found torn asunder in Elf Pussy Forest

AWFUL 7.5 ft Pre-Lit Christmas Tree

Before I go, I just want to hope Craigslist and the Craiglisters a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

i got a complete computer part list to buy oh what fun what will be even better is recieving all the parts, just like xmas :D yeah and they better not be in peices *glares at santa*

Blasting big globs of gross white cum all over Santa’s pile of gifts for old people

Bolt a rope to the roof of your house, and tie the other end to his sleigh. It's one fucked up sleigh when he gets moving.

Bolt a rope to the roof of your house, and tie the other end to his sleigh. It's one fucked up sleigh when he gets moving.

the MPAA site has an interesting anti piracy blitz going on for Christmas they say that they're protecting users from buying pirated copies of films then they go on to say that you can recognize pirated films by the fact that they're a lot cheaper, out before or while films are still in theatres, are region free and contain no DRM if I wouldn't have pirated before.. the MPAA sure has convinced me to do it now

but yeah when I was little I thought the winter warlock didn't know how to walk bc he could just magic himself everywhere and that's why he was so mean. He was bitter bc he was jealous of humans for WALKING

im gonna be waiting with a shotgun to rob santa then its off to the pawn shop, ho ho ho

Santa Claus hates you. he doesn't, he gives me presents. no he doesn't. that's not santa at all. you're just jealous because all you get is lumps of coal. hey, I'm prepared for an energy crisis, man

Can someone explain this to me? "Christmas Star - Outdoor Icicle Lights For indoor use only." lol that's almost as good as the shower cap box with "fits one head" on it (from a hotel in disney, france) LOL I can only assume the french have some odd shower habbits

Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost ripping off your nose

chickcorea1357: i was so high that the fractal elves started asking me what the hell I had been smoking

Christ rode on an ass, but now asses ride on Christ. -- Heinrich Heine, quoted by Robert G. Ingersoll in "A Christmas Sermon", 1891

Christians on Christmas when they hear Jesus Claus crucifying down the chimney

CHRISTMAS NOOBS ARE COMING

NORAD comes to public attention at Christmas, when it purports to track Santa Claus on his journey around the world delivering toys for the world's children. 2005 marked the 50th time of NORAD tracking Santa. This tradition started when a local Sears store in Colorado misprinted the phone number and kids, who thought they were calling Santa, called NORAD instead. This has become a tradition ever since 1955. wth we'll manage to shoot the fat fucker down this year, you'll see

xmas was fun back before i was blessed with pubes and still had hopes and dreams and such

Confused, Full of Cheese, Unsure of the day of week.

cop pulls me over little does he know my drivers license is written in elf hieroglyphics & blinds anyone who reads it

Couple hires hippie-type babysitter. Later, mother calls and sitter says everything is fine; she's stuffed the turkey and put it in the oven. Mom worries since they don't have an turkey; parents rush home and find that stoned sitter has (or is about to) put baby in the (microwave) oven.

did I tell u what I got this girl for christmas? I got her lingerie in 1 box and I put before and in another box I put pajamas in there and put after

CreeDi: I made a joke to this chick about how she was grumpy because she was beaten a lot as a child, and it turns out she really was. CreeDi: I felt about as big as a keebler elf testicle.

I broke my new stereo that I got after christmas cause I broke the one I got for christmas.. I shouldnt be allowed within 10 ft of electronics

Cyclone: o i love pussy ;D McKhaos: i love christmas better McKhaos: it comes around more often

'cause you know, behind every nympho-elf there's a 40 year old man living in his parent's basement just hoping you ll make a pass at him so he can initiate cybersex. many 40 year old men are better at cybersex as nympho-elves than most nympho-elves That's strangely insightful and revolting at the same time

Dear Husband: All I Want For Christmas is a Good Fuck

December - Byhrte invents some faggot ass "fad" which involves putting a santa hat on your avatar. I quickly put him into his place, and note it will be the death of this forum if he doesn't stop. I was clearly right.

<[DeViL]PsYcHo> it'll be lonely this christmas, without you to hold <[DeViL]Chufty> psycho you getting circumsized for christmas?!

NO MORE FINALS im done. good then go update no must christmas shop no staff job comes first no buying stuff comes first cant let the terrorists win LOL!\

Don't come to elf practice tomorrow

dr oz says due to the sheer volume of milk & cookies santa consumes, you have no hope of poisoning him with piss or cum. wont even notice it

OH THAT FUCKING IDIOT my gf bought me a xmas gift off amazon but she used my account to do it so it charged ME haha owned

This dude at my work had red hair so we call him santa. ??????? Well he obviously has a red sack

Santa Claus broke in through my window last night. did he leave you a new window

extracting zip files on christmas morning

family asked what i do at the THanksgiving table.. revealed that i fight commercial holidays like this online (the new frontier of activism)

the gf wants underwear for xmas i cant stand going shopping for em tho i feel like a goon maybe its because i rub them all on my face

Fire a fat-seeking missile at his sleigh in mid air.

Fire a flame thrower at him when he's a-comin down the chimney.

Free Toilet Box - Terrify Children on Christmas

Alright. 5 reasons why I'm convinced that my penis runs Linux. 1. I can create child processes 2. I can handle multiple users on any platform at once. 3. I'm VERY user friendly. 4. I have incredible uptime. and 5. When my system load gets too heavy, I end up dumping my core and the system shuts down.

wow i am blessed ffx-2 AND an AOL 9.0 disc ...some one gave you a AOHELL disk for a crimbo present? i doubt it's a xmas present i just get them all year then give them away at halloween to the kiddies lol

Oracle gave out bobble head dolls of thier CEO to thier employees for Christmas i want one, as well as a Richard Stallman and Bill Gates one, then I could have mock discussions about shit

you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT the Trix rabbit, for example I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking KILLING some kids I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKIN MONEY. fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit "silly rabbit Trix are for kids" Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed. FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin bitches and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more. and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid? I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him" NO. I'd be thinking "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just smoking?" another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast" last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit... who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big not me I don't even EAT breakfast nomore I mean, I eat when I get up but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME" bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the fucking money don't give me that shit. Back to stupid cereal mascots... Lucky Charms. FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!? C'mon now, Lucky. I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches. "They're after me Lucky Charms!" .... KILL THEM, BITCH! I dunno why I went off on this rant here it's just always bothered me."

*gasp* SANTA CAME!!!!!…*looks closer* all over the presents what the fuck santa

[Gnimish is working out how to go home to usa from austria for christmas] * Gnimsh is frustrated by airlines lol dont fly? should I swim back? take a train? DRIVE?! boat? wrong season I looked on 3 different sites. why not stay where you are..?:p visa's up on the 25th of july if they deport me for free, sure

I decided on some cool things I'm gonna do when I get rich like ask my mom what car she would like the most, and then buy it and then when she comes outside to look at it, it'll get run over by a monster truck and she'll cry <@godofcows> I thought of another thing I'd do if I ever got rich <@godofcows> I'd gonna buy a bunch of toys for an orphanage <@godofcows> and have them all laid out in front of the building on christmas morning and get someone who works there to wake up all the kids and come out to look <@godofcows> and when they all step outside and look, I'm gonna run over the toys with a monster truck and laugh at the looks on their faces

(Griff) dalnet has a small man who visits each user's home in turn,. he is like santa, but he is the nickname man (Griff) if you have been a good boy or girl he will let you register your nick (Griff) if you have been bad he will make you Guest34535 (Griff) he's St. NickServ

Hallmark Christmas movies are a fetish thing

Have him arrested at night time for breaking and entering into your house.

he sees you when you're sleeping he knows which kinks to shame

He's got guns... He's out there waiting... Waiting!!! ... Ackkk. Ack. Ack. Ack..... It's the radiation..... He's around here....

hee must eat soooooo much yurjey GEE

hello, i'm an adult in a christmas movie. i don't believe in santa but have also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year. they just appear and i am fine with this reality. this is neither confusing nor horrifying

high off the turkey pussy blow mad smoke

lol my mom is wrapping xmas presents listening to hard trance i was like "mom wtf are you doing" hahaha too funny she's like "it helps me zone out so i dont actually realize im wrapping presents, its like a drug" "hey mom, it's actually better ON drugs... want some?"

Home Alone 2 on the NE-FUCKIN'-S

I am now 6 months pregnant and I am carrying the child of a gingerbread man. AND I AM A MAN!!!!!!

i love the war on christmas i want santa scared

I opened the back door to run, and saw Hurricane Andrew approaching from the East. I had to decide which was worse, the Hurricane, or the Gingerbread men.

I put it in a snowbank once, but lost it when I forgot which one. Or maybe the Ice Nymphs got it.

I saw a giant icible and I fucking shat myself. I also wanted it to fall on me but that obviously didn't happen now did it.

i took a shit on the thanksgiving turkey and almost RUINED thanksgiving

I would like to thank my friend, Bastard, for providing the description and abilities of the wood elves which I will be using throughout this series and if anyone else feels compelled to write some really hardcore sex stories with elves after reading this then…PLEASE DO!

i would pay a group of scienttists $10000000 to fool a man into believing in santa until the age of 80. lets get it done

icbm: hah icbm: my entourage is coming over icbm: I'm gonna go ahead and give them their christmas presents icbm: I bought my 3 hoes vibrators kuruption: uh kuruption: you mean your "friends" kuruption: and the 3 girls who wont let you touch them.. but hang out with you cuz you're friends with the guy who gets them their weed

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Infidelity puts out the fires of hell with the tears of pity. -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Christmas Sermon", 1891

Is This Ethical?: new survey shows millennials want rudolph the red nose reindeer to be renamed Klonopin the Crust Punk Horse

it is low IQ to surround yourself with animal waste. every year santa smells 1,000,000 houses filled with piss and shit and gets kennel lung

It was a month before Christmas, and just for a stunt Santa had his face buried in Mrs. Clauses' cunt There was a loud noise and Santa Jumped with a start It seemed Mrs. Claus had cut loose with one hell of a fart All Santa could do was gag and to spit His face and his beard were all plastered with shit [...] Santa started laughing and shouting, and with a loud cheer Said I know what to do, I'll screw one of the deer [...] Santa ran from the barn Shaking his head at the noise Saying Jesus Christ, how'd I know they were all boys [...] As Santa and his sleigh streaked into the sky He said you may not be able to fuck yourself, but why don't you try [...] The moral of this story will end with this bit Any job that you do, you just have to take shit.

It was a stormy night in July. My new and quietly suspicious neighbors were baking. Instinctively I became concerned when the smell of ginger drifted towards my home. Uneasy I retired to my bed for the evening. I was awoken sometime later by the overwhellming smell of ginger. To my dismay five small yet ferocious gingerbread men were upon me. I tried to fight them off, but they were evil and powerful. The wretched men attacked until I was but bloody pulp. Then without a sound my vallant and trusted German Shepard rushed in. With a gulp the dreded gingerbread men were gone.

it's crispy eve

* Jadyn wacks Murad with a very large book * Murad dies * Jadyn pokes Murad * Murad pokes Jad back from the bowls of Hell ack! :-D * Jadyn searches Murad's dead body for stolen presents * Murad asks his good friend Lucifer to send out a few demons to get Jad * Falkan asks them for papers * Falkan deports the demons * Murad hides his stolen presents away and sets his evil elf minions to guard them * Jadyn eyes the elf minions * Falkan points out the use of non-union elf labour.

-t is like giving a bunch of small children loaded handguns and telling each of them that the other ones all stole his christmas pressies

Jersey Seven: 2DAY IS NATIONAL PRESENTS DAY!!~! SEND THIS MESSAGE TO 30 OTHER PPL AND YOU WILL RECIEVE MANY PRESENTS FOR XMAS AND UR TRUE LOVE WILL FINALLY START TO LIKE U!!!~ U ONLY HAVE 10 MINUTES SO U BETTER HURY!!!~ Chant320: Hey. Tomorrow is national shut the fuck up with the stupid chain letters day. It never hurts to get a head start.

On a Christmas Eve so freezing, I commenced my quest displeasing, Through the crowded shops and busy stores of flashy Yuletide glee. In I hustled quickly tiring, looks of hopelessness inspiring, To the salesman inquiring, "Have you a Nintendo Wii?" "Sorry, sir" was his reply "for I have no Nintendo Wii. All that's left is PS3."

Keep in mind the mall Santa has a human dick.

Kick him off his sleigh in mid air.

in LotR all the elves sailed to the "undying lands" to the west. Continental drift caused those lands to move further north and eventually they were left to spend eternity making toys for their new red-suited overlord

My mom got me a toilet brush for Christmas. lmao have you been using it? Well, yeah, but it hasn't been working too well. In fact, I think I may just go back to using paper.

NAPLES, Italy (Reuters) - Christmas has never tasted this good. Thirty-two pastry chefs in the southern Italian city of Naples unveiled on Saturday what they say is the biggest ever nativity scene made entirely of chocolate. sweet jesus

"looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run

Loosen the blades on his sleigh when he trys to land, it's Santa all over the place.

okay okay, so it *probably* isn't going to snow, but i can imagine it! well, if we're imagining, i can imagine buxom women will fall from the sky like sexy hailstones.

shit i am so dead there is this huge dent in our christmas ham where i decided to liberate some of it for a sandwhich but i liberated too much dude ham raeper where are your morals I know why you really carved out a little bit *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink* dude i didn't fuck the ham U FUCKED THE HAM HAM FUCKER I DID NOT FUCK THE HAM! UR FAMILY WILL EAT YOUR SEAMEN

man if I saw an elf nobody would be able to stop me

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card (not a beacon of literacy, though)

but then last year the sermon like a week before christmas was like 'CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT PRESENTS - OUR ONE TRUE PRESENT IS JESUS CHRIST!!!' my dad didn't even get my mom anything she was pissed.

last year my parents gave me root beer for christmas

MELT EVERYONE NOW! CONDONE FORTY DEGREE MURDER! ADVOCATE SNOWMOBILISM! EAT SLEET! FROST IS MY POLITICS, FROST IS MY LIFE!

merry drugs to those who celebrate

merry xmas eve to everyone who celebrates it and happy penis friday to everyone who doesnt

might be an outlier here but when i smell my neighbors smoking weed i just smile and nod its like adjacent to hearing christmas carolers for me… good tidings and joy unto you brother

omg that commercial would have been so funny if the little girl had asked santa for a 7 and a quarter inch penis instead of a stereo system or whatever

Mr Kedian: I wonder if they have Santa vibrators Mr Kedian: Santa can hurry down your chimney all year 'round with this naughty -- and nice! -- self-pleasuring tool. Please remove decorative hat before use.

[+Mr_Day]: Santa Claus, now he's real. At least, that's what they call the pervert around here, who masturbates on rooftops. He comes down chimneys.

Mushrooms are objectively the funniest thing on gods green earth like this one destroys your liver and kidneys and kills you this one makes a fine cooking oil this one introduces you to the machine elves this one grows in your shower and slowly destroys your lungs this one is delicious in a stir fry. Who else has the range

My Christmas gift sucks worse than yours

My elf body is so pregnant with your Christmas wishes

MY HORROR STORY BEGAN AT THE LOCAL MARKET. I HAD THE TASTE FOR SOMETHING SWEET. I MADE THE FATAL MISTAKE OF BUYING A BAG A GINGERBREAD COOKIES. LITTLE DID I KNOW, I HAD JUST SIGNED MY DEATH WISH. I WAS HUNGRY, SO I RUSHED HOME AND TORE INTO THE BAG. I SHOVED COOKIE AFTER COOKIE INTO MY MOUTH, STOPPING ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO GULP DOWN SOME MILK. HALF A BAG LATER, I WAS FULL. IT WAS TIME FOR A LITTLE NAP. I TOSSED THE LEFT OVER COOKIES ONTO THE FLOOR, AND HEADED FOR THE SOFT COMFORTS OF MY BED. ONLY MINUTES MUST HAVE PASSED BEFORE I DRIFTED OFF INTO A BLISSFUL SLEEP. SEVERAL HOURS LATER, I WOKE TO AN AWFUL BURNING SMELL. MY FIRST REACTION WAS TO JUMP OUT OF BED, BUT I SOON REALIZED THAT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I HAD BEEN TIED UP, SOMEONE HAD TIED BOTH LEGS AND ARMS TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE BED POST. MY CLOTHES HAD BEEN SOAKED WITH GASOLINE. AT THE POINT OF MAJOR PANIC I REMEMBERED THE SMOKE SMELL. I LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM, ONLY TO DISCOVER FLAMES LEAPING OUT FROM UNDER MY BED. OH DEAR GOD! WHO WOULD DO THIS TO ME? THROUGH MY CRIES FOR HELP, I HEARD A EVIL LITTLE LAUGH. I YELLED OUT FOR WHO EVER WAS THERE TO PLEASE HELP, STILL ONLY A TINY LITTLE LAUGH. THE FLAMES INCHED THEIR WAY CLOSER TO MY HELPLESS BODY. I WAS DOOMED! AS I LAY IN WAITING FOR MY TIME TO COME, I NOTICED A MOVEMENT OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE. TO MY SHOCK, STANDING ACROSS THE ROOM WAS ABOUT SEVENTEEN ANGRY GINGERBREADMEN.THEY HAD EVIL LITTLE GRINS ON THEIR FACES AND MATCHES IN THEIR HANDS. WHY? I ASKED. WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE STEPPED FORWARD. IN A DRY, HATEFUL VOICE, HE SAID, YOU ATE HALF OF MY FRIENDS! YOU IDIOT!! NOW GET READY TO DIE!! AS THE FLAMES COVERED MY BODY, THE LITTLE GINGERBREADMEN DANCED IN A CIRCLE AND SUNG THE SONG DONT WORRY BE HAPPY. BY SOME MIRACLE I SURVIVED THE FIRE.TO THIS DAY I CAN NEVER EAT ANOTHER COOKIE AGAIN.

my uncle Clit got his leg blown off by a landmine in the War on Christmas

The Americans spent 5 years and 10 million dollars to develope a pen that would write in space, freezing cold, extreme heat, and in zero gravity. The Russians used a pencil

HELLO, MY NAME IS ASHLEIGH, AND I AM REAL. HELLO MY NAME IS CHIBI AND I AM A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION HELLO MY NAME IS FROSTUMAN THE WHITE and you are going to take over Middle Earth AND I AM AN ALCO---I'M GOD! YES! THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!

neeeeeed a dark elf baddie to blow nirnroot smoke in my face and i hear that ringing as i look down her tunic

NipokNek: I can tell it's christmas time cause my p2p programs are serving more xmas music and less porn. :D

i just read a book i got for xmas its about a sea harrier pilot shot down in bosnia he is collected by a troops of SAS FACs and, let me recall, when they have to pull out he says... He smacks his SA80 down on the tabke and shouts 'who fucking TKed me last round?'

obsession: santa.. he's pretty lucky.. cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at... obsession: that's why he's so jolly u see?

Obtain a hand held land to air heat seaking missile, when he comes by, nuke the fuck to kingdome-come!

oh im just stuffed, I couldn’t have even one more gallon of elf milk!

Oli: lol Oli: my gf just won one of my ebay auctions Oli: was supposed to be my xmas present Oli: she didnt knew my ebay name

Haha, a very funny thing happened to my cousin right before Christmas My cousin was watching South Park with me, something he really isn't supposed to be doing The episode where Cartman thinks a dildo is a sports watch was on So he goes and writes down 'dildo' on his list to Santa His dad goes and reads it and freaks out, and goes up to ask him where he heard what a dildo was He replies with "I heard Cartman talk about it on TV. It's something like a sports watch, right?" So his dad (my uncle) tells him it's a chocolate chip cookie, and asks my aunt to make him some So the next day he goes to school, and here's the best part He gets up in front of the whole class and tells them about how his mom gave him her biggest dildos and how yummy they were

Or he shall freeze off your cock and balls and feed them to the elves

What do you want for christmas that is under 40?? <|fS|Jot> mmmmmmm <|fS|Jot> Solaris's mom

cookies and milk is the shit true thug snack i didnt know santa was a thug you think he buys all those presents?

Planes, trains, and autistmobiles

please remember theres a bunch of fucked up supply issues so youll have to order early if you dont want to ruin christmas. thank you

please unfuck the elf it makes me sick

Point a .45 caliber starting pistol at his head when he's in the mall and threaten to give him a massive vasectomy. Then fire and watch the fat shit have a heart attack!

Point a .45 caliber starting pistol at his head when he's in the mall and threaten to give him a massive vasectomy. Then fire and watch the fat shit have a heart attack!

is my phone number on whois? Yes *picks up phone* *dials slowly* I would know it was you. Unfrotunently my caller ID is broken. ...my elves did their job well...

Poopsydo: i was remembering that my brother used to wake me up when i was little to go open the gifts from santa... Poopsydo: he would say: lizy lizy wake up, santa came by... Poopsydo: and i would jump and follow him Poopsydo: and one time he did that...and i followed him.. Poopsydo: and it wasn't even december Poopsydo: it was like the middle of the summer Poopsydo: he sat in the middle of the living room and laughed his ass off at me

A couple years back, my friend had the greatest christmas tree of all time We were 'round at his place, having a post-pissup drink/laugh at lightweight bastards and two cops came in because of a noise complaint One of them walks towards the open back door while the other does the usual "Why are you making so much noise" question routine The friend in question goes pale as he sees the cop stick his head in the door and only look one way before deciding they were wasting their time When they'd fucked off, I asked him what was wrong, he pointed in the other direction and told me to go check out the christmas tree the cop missed I stick my head in the door and lo, a 6 foot tall pot plant, complete with tinsel and presents around the base, is sitting in the corner, facing me off, taunting me, goin' "Yeah, fucker, I'm a 6 foot tall pot plant. Ya wanna piece of me, bitch?"

<_pr1me> Nothing says christmas like handjobs in the olive garden bathroom for $2 a piece

probably shouldnt be smoking an infused joint with two draculas on christmas eve but love is love

Put a gas burner on the bottom of your fire place.

Put a lot of oil on your roof and watch the fat shit try and land!

Put a shot gun on the bottom of your fire place attacked to the handle on the flew.

Put an altimeter bomb in his sleigh, so when he goes high enough it's bye-bye for the fuck.

qreepyboris: However, I can tell you with authority that my French extra credit project is going to ROCK qreepyboris: We're making a film of a few shortish skits in French qreepyboris: And one of them is so awesome qreepyboris: Schindler and Santa accidentally mix up their naughty and nice lists. :-) qreepyboris: So Santa goes to all the Jews' houses and they're not there, 'cuz they're all in camps qreepyboris: And I haven't read the whole script, but there is no way it can possibly be not funny

queenren24: i need your advice queenren24: cause you're a guy and all MrFluffyPants26: that I am queenren24: what would you, as a guy, rather have for your birthday or christmas: a video game or that axe stuff that smells SOOO good? MrFluffyPants26: Axe DOES smell good... MrFluffyPants26: what video game? queenren24: rome: total war MrFluffyPants26: hm... MrFluffyPants26: probably the game MrFluffyPants26: but give him sexual favors too MrFluffyPants26: can't go wrong with that queenren24: :O MrFluffyPants26: precisely

so have u got a tree up yet? like a file tree? ? a christmas tree..

the shortest day of the year is the 8th of december, the longest day is xmas with your relatives

Rayo :: My friend Lupe is the Santa at the Mall. dissolve/decay :: wait, what happened? Rayo :: He owed me money. Rayo :: So I waited in line today with all the kids. Rayo :: and told him to pay up in front of all the children, "kids. Santa owes me 40" "....come on Greg...wheres your Christmas Spirit?" "Do you want these kids to think Santa is a cheapskate?"

remember this holiday season- to satisfy blood lust eat candy canes as they feel like crushing bones with your teeth

reminder that if you jerk off tomorrow on christmas y ou are the bastard of earth.

my dad actually called the other day, and he goes "You want to talk to mom" so I say "yeah" and then I hear him shout "Gina, you wanna talk to your son" and I hear her in the back say "I'm watching TV right now, I'll talk to him at Christmas" and my dad's like "She's... in the shower"

RT @BoomerShooter: Are we the only ones who think leaving ammo for Santa instead of cookies is cool idea? Merry Christmas from https://t.co/gCOkC5Lkaa

Rudolph incited racial hatred against my mother

Run over him with a car when he lands on the road.

Ryan : political correctness has gone too far! in the card store i went to, the category for christmas was labelled "Wednesday, December 25"

Sacrifice his reign deer.

Salò watch party at my igloo

santa claus but instead of naughty or nice i judge if uve been banal or avant garde

Santa deniers on Sciencemas eve when they hear Darwin Claus evolving down the chimney

santa i know this is an odd request but i believe w/ a little christmas magic, any things possioble. I need you to shrink my dick by 2 inchs

Santa is calling us conspiracy theorists! We're being gaslit!

santa put me on the Nuanced list this year

cause the photo CRIED OUT TO BE HAXORED it said PHOTOSHOP A DICK IN HERE, IT WILL BE FUNNY

all these chocolate bullets isnt there something you're forgetting to do tonight santa THE PRESENTS!? * Santa is away, (brb delivering presents)

anybody know what solaris calls its kernel? Santa: look into the root dir and look for the biggest file, or look into /stand biggest file? "Huh, my kernel is called ``core''" :-)

Santa on @#gaysouthcoast spreading white christmas in all the wrong places

we wish you a merry fagmas and a happy new queer

<{SaTaN}> GOD DAMN IT SUN OF A BITCH STOP CALLING ME SANTA IT IS "SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!" hi santa

and no, that's my friend Marissa The Nympho Elf :P we put the Ho in Nympho

* Seph flies herself to the north pole -her +him well that certainly clears up a lot

SIMPLY HAVING A MAGICAL PENIS WINE

Smoke like a chimney and fuck like an elf

so santa’s wife is home alone tomorrow?

SO THANK YOU EVIL YET CONCIENTIOUS FUCKFACE FOR A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!

SO THANK YOU EVIL YET CONCIENTIOUS FUCKFACE FOR A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! post id: 51489276

some elf bullshit happened

shit. i just ate my brothers christmas present

Stretch a piano cord across the road between two telephone poles so when the bastard (Saint Nick) come flying by on a sleigh or a fire engine his head will come right off.

Sweet that this Thanksgiving my entire family observed a moment of silence. Weird that it was after Grandma asked what we were thankful for.

Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? why? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25

Tear elf bodies in half using automated machinery

That dream being: to see an enormous herd of goats gobble up a gingerbread house.

The apple they fed to snow white wasnt poision at all it was just a red delicious

The expert ham sniffer of Spain is "at the limit of human possibility" smelling 800 hams a day to make sure they are perfect for Christmas. "I will find a way to sniff 801. Perhaps 802 is possible."

the fucked elf: im being pounded

The good part of Christmas is not always Christian -- it is generally Pagan; that is to say, human, natural. -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "A Christmas Sermon", 1891

the mall santas all shit into a salad bowl hidden beneath their throne and the elves have to go wash it out in the fountain every hour or so

the second worst part of christmas is the strong as fuck ice mummy

The winter walock strikes again!!!!!

The_Loser_: Lol. 2 Ads just came on TV. The first one shows a cowboy guy telling me how I can find all my holiday gifts for everyone at "Tractor Supply." and then at the end he says "Hope y'all have a good christmas." and after that, an Ad for the flea market came on. - Thank you for the brutal reminder that I'm in a Southern State. *puke*

but as always, the kids got a ton of gifts.... : / we've spent all day clearing out their room to get room for all the new shi.... toys We did the same thing yesterday. They got heaps! Yesterday was cleanup day im really thinking of kick/banning grandparents from #xmas :/

These hands are rated S for Santa!

My cousin Is the epitome of stupidity I told her to clean the turkey for some dumb party we are having And she puts it in the oven right and sets it to "clean" and I was like "y u do dat" "oh the oven has a clean setting" so we all ate TV dinners that night

They straped me down & injeted me with elf chemicals

They took the lives of half the swat team, but the gingerbread threat in my town is gone.

*this took place on December 26th [00:01] [00:02] haha

you know why Santa's always jolly? no He knows where all the bad girls live. do they empty his sack for him? I'd be grumpy if I only came once a year though LOL

TO THOSE WORKING THIS CHRISTMAS: STRIPPERS, GAS STATION EMPLOYEES, TAXI DRIVERS, FIRE, EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES, WALMART EMPLOYEES AND THE WEED MAN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE

It's Christmas. We show up at my grandmas house. I'm 14. It comes time to open the presents, she brings out this little square-shaped flat present, wrapped in christmas paper. I wonder what it is, what joyous gift from grandma could be so small in volume? I open it, and see the words "AOL Internet Trial CD" on the cover of a cardboard disc holder, with a 14-day AOL trial CD inside. Confused, I asked her what it was. She proudly proclaimed "I've bought you fourteen days of free internet!" And that's why I hate christmas.

TwoHundredNinety: Man. I went to our school's Christmas play today. Decagon111: Was it an interesting experience? TwoHundredNinety: It was... uh. Quite interesting. TwoHundredNinety: We had Scripture quoted at us. There was a large stained-glass cross. Santa ordered Oompa Loompas to break his elves' kneecaps when they went on strike. There were four machine-gun shootings. Santa died. (Three times, technically.) There were two death threats, independent of the machine gun business. Decagon111: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. TwoHundredNinety: Yes. ... The death threats were in the service of an anti-materialism parable. Decagon111: ... I was _going_ to say how weird it was that there were carolers going around two weeks early tonight... but I don't think I'll bother.

uhhh guys who fucked my elf

To celebrate football fan twattishness, Birmingham will once again shut down. Because of the fracas of the last match, twats climbing onto bus roofs as they waited in traffic. The routes around the major bars will be shut. * Hawx imagines Birmingham "shutting down"... Like Christmas lights going off... "It is now safe to turn off your Birmingham"

lately my mother has been complaining about how much time the dad has been spending in the computer room.. she comes up to me and goes "For christmas, I want you to get your father a gift that will get him out of that stupid computer room!" so i went out and purchased him a wireless router :p

Want a Snow Penis on your front Yard?

(WARNING 250K FILE!)

we made Santa kill himself

hahaha this morning i was listening to the radio on the bus, and they were like 'its time for the not-so-impossible question. what do the first 7 gifts in the 12 days of christmas have in common?' and this dude calls in and is like 'they are all birds' and they say 'yay you win you get this gay prize' and i called in and said 'um, how long have 5 golden rings been birds?' and they said 'oh shit, we screwed that up'

Welcome To My Lil Corner of the North Pole!! As you can obviously tell from this site... Christmas is my Favourite time of the year. I am known on the greatest lil chatroom on the web as Blitzn the wacky reindeer. I am best known for putting LMAO (laughing my antlers off) after almost every comment in chat

Well one day, it was sunny and very hot that day, I was walking and just minding own buisness... Up from the sky came a HUGE GINGERBREAD MAN! He fell rapidly coming towards me. I ran as fast as I could, but he was too big and couldn't get away from underneath him. Well, logically I ran into a building, took cover, and prayed that it wouldn't land on me. The Huge million ton Gingerbread man land on me and the rest of the state, now there are only 50 states in the USA.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST CHRISTMAS, HEATHEN?!

When he comes down the chiminey, smash him across the face with a metal base ball bat.

When I was 11, I found out that Santa Claus wasn't real by reading a section of a parenting book about what to do when kids still believe in Santa when they're too old for it.

When I was eleven I wrote a story about how candy canes are the bones of reject elves.

"When it is Christmas, the only gift you need is my posts." -@Dril when it is christmas, the only gift you need is my posts.

whoever is throwing icicle spears at me seriously STOP

Will I receive Christmas Blessings this year? Or Christmas Poison....

I asked my brother what he wanted for Christmas. He said he wanted cold hard cash. So that's exactly what I gave him. I got 20 $1 bills, soaked them in water and put them in the freezer. When he got it, it was just a block of green ice that took a day to thaw.

"You better not pout, you better not cry, Santa Claus is coming to town." ---little does the fat shit know if he comes near my town he's gonna have the worst night of his life, not to mention the last.

you know elf food tastes like complete shit

You sit on a throne of lies.

"you think you're an elf, nothing you say matters" This is a genocidal abrahamic mindset enforced by violent colonization and forced abrahamic conversion of cultures around the entire world If you say this, you are not only racist, but also imperialist. You are a colonizer. Your abrahamic religion is younger than living trees. Elves have existed for thousands upon thousands of years

your 20s are about elves, your 30s are about continued meditations on the elf

Your Christmas Party: Help Me Help YouWith Icy Hot!!

"God dammit mom, why the fuck did you buy me an xbox? " "What, how can you tell?" "Well, that present under the Christmas tree is either a coffee table, or an xbox...I'm hoping it's a coffee table."

Spooky (quotes)

4 Types of Satanists 1. Dabbler 2. Religious 3. Non-traditional 4. Generational

a cup is a drink’s skeleton

a million papier-mâché dracula masks, disused but time-biding, waiting in the cobwebbed corners of a million cellars, in rec centers, churches, schools... community theatres. waiting for a supplicant (née innocent) to make into the dread vampire's vassal. #TrueStory...

a nice tip for halloween: fill up a jar with piss and say that it is a jar of frankenstein piss. display it on the porch with a strobe light

A visiting professor at Rice woke up from an afternoon nap on the patio to discover he was dizzy, nauseous, and suffering from terrific head pain. Convinced that he had picked up some dreadful local disease, he went to a Medical Center emergency room where the doctor extracted a roach from his ear. As the somewhat shaken professor was leaving, he heard the doctor tell a staff member, "Third one this week."

All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.

Allan: incidentally, my house is Zombie resistant. Crysm: how so? Allan: I wonder why that is Allan: elevated first floor, strong steel doors. Allan: the windows are out of reach, basically. Crysm: it's next to a graveyard, man Crysm: the planners had to think ahead Allan: good point Allan: ...dear god, I gave my house a zombie proofing assessment. Allan: That's... a whole new level of something.

always remember that adhesive labels can sense your fear and hesitation when you are removing them

An example of the former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus hostilus_), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_).

And as for the beheaded babies, it all may be a matter of aesthetic terrorism in a very clever sense of the word.

I don't see why you can't just get a paintball mask, dress up in green, and grab a shotgun plenty of demons to blast the 31st there's something funny about the idea of going around as stealthy as possible with a paintball gun on Halloween playing real life doom against 5 year olds now now kids dont respawn in real life yeah they do it just takes 9+ months

another cheap N' easy halloween spook: sculpt a giant skull out of ground beef and splash blood on it and drive it around on top of your car

So how did it go with that cheerleader from down the street that wanted to seduce you? Well, I was going to go along, but at the last minute, I had one of those 'Grinch' moments, when my heart went up past my level, and Satan's and Stalin's and Hitler's and a few more levels, to where it was something like normal, and I decided that I should wait until I could have a meaningful relationship, not just casual sex with someone infinitely more popular and beautiful than I am. ... ... And where was your brain at this point? I don't know, but when he gets back he is so fucking grounded

Are You a Ghost Surfing the Web?

are you in a good headspace to receive my triple barrage hell nightmare skeleton attack right now.

asking someone why their halloween avatar is still up when it's just a normal pic of them is the most fucked up move you can do, actually

Ass of Terror

aw man skeletons can't wear cock cages

Bacteria do have souls, but binary fission doesn’t produce new souls 99% of the time, so most single celled organisms share these sprawling souls that just get bigger every time they divide. Over time they compact down into these big mats of soul get compacted into geological layers that gradually accrete to the world soul. Sexual reproduction creates new souls but they’re much shorter lived as a result, and rarely make it into the bedrock, so most of the world spirit is from the Proterozoic.

that's why I work graveyards. graveyard shifts right? not in literally grave yards yeah REAL graveyards! I got a computer right next to my gravedigging shovel!

bone prank: drop pieces of your skeleton in strategic locations to spook nincompoops and lame-os

Bro those flayed skeletons would feel so good in a fleshlight

I AM THE PHYSICAL INCARNATION OF FEAR Who knew evil would be so chubby. You can change my diaper too. JUST LIKE A REAL BABY. YES WRITHE IN TERROR, MEAGER HUMANS.

can anyone confirm or deny that the "spooky dicks" they sell around halloween each year aren't just rebranded dildos

can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters.

'CANNABIS VICTORY GARDENS' HELP FIGHT TERRORISM

(careful, it can smell fear)

Chapter 1: The sky over the port was the color of television, tuned to the skeletons channel

lol, my gf knows how to play mario, thats so sexy i let her borrow my gameboy for band and she did all these secret areas i forgot about who cares if a girl cant do your laundry or stuff if she can get you to the donut secret ghost house?

clown graveyard and its just one grave

vampire sense going off i have a need for darkness and blood. If by vampire you mean white, teenaged, and angsty.

Crystal2331: either matser of puppets or cemetery gates

damn that sounds really scary. ive never heard of that ever happening to anyone else who did weed. you probably broke your brain and it's gonna be stuck like that forever.

"Dangerous items" which will set off the metal detector include (but are not limited to): Things that explode, Things you can stab other passengers with, Things which are used to shoot people, Thing that both explode and can be used to shoot people (dual purpose), Radioactive waste, Belt buckles, Money, Shoes, Pens, Ghosts, Hair, Air molecules.

Today I was at a restaurant and was waiting for my food. Then I started to play my DS on pictochat see? And I found someone that was playing it too. We started to draw pictures and thinking it was some older guy and everything, I was joking around and drew a penis. I looked up to see who it was and about 20 feet away, I heard a gasp. I look up and it s a 10 year old girl with a DS in her hands. I immediately closed my DS and hid it. That was freaken scary.

i think i'm going to try that at the mall wear a tower costume and have a friend ram into me at full speed You'd need someone dressed up as a zombie fireman. or just have someone dress up as a fireman and then throw himself onto the ground and yell "OH NO I AM HURT WAH WAH" and then fucking run.

silly ghost bear where's no sense there's no feeling so pointing pistol at my head is rather useless

> I have a fear... of EGGS. I know it's silly and my girlfriend makes fun of me saying I have EGGNAPHOBIA. But I have had this problem my whole life... EGGS actually scare me. When people talk about omlettes for example, I feel sick in my stomach... I physically cannot touch EGGS as I get shivery and feel ill and if I see someone eating an EGG sandwich I get a nervous twitch (always in my right eye) and I literally have to leave the room. Even the smell of EGGS makes me feel faint. I think it's because EGGS are from chicken's butts and that always deeply disturbed me as a kid... I think it developed from there. you have some really serious issues...

all my cars are haunted i had one car where the glove compartment would keep opening at random times so it opened once and i just finally said "fuck you stay open" well the car stalled out the radio turned on and off and the flashlights started flashing while the windshield wipers started so i slowly reached over and closed it.. then the car just went back to normal

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@(DonoftheDead) They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Dont go to starbucks!!!! all the $ is going to terrorists. i will have more information later.

My fish get scared of pizza boxes. They think they're giant borg ships or smth Don't put an anchovie pizza near your fish.

* Dr_Dos|KLONE has joined #zeuxworld OH NOS How do I kill on esper? ghost? msg nickserv kill I guess. /quit ok * Dr_Dos has quit IRC (Ping timeout) * Dr_Dos|KLONE has quit IRC (Quit: Dr_Dos censored) Hahah. :D You're the best, sir. * Dr_Dos has joined #zeuxworld :P Did it work? heh Yes Good * Dr_Dos has quit IRC (Killed (NickServ (GHOST command used by EvilMario))) :D Excellent. * Dr_Dos has joined #zeuxworld That's not right... You fool. Mwahah.. I mean.. HIIII

wow evl - are you shrooming ? dude i wish that way i could goto bed comforted E ? knowing there wasnt a goddamned vampire flyin around my house

you havent peaked until youve had a conversation wth the light barely shining through the comfortor draped over your head while hanging off the top bunk and wearing plastic vampire teeth

i'm hung like a zombie process

I want my tombstone to say "Exceeded TTL"

every friend group has a corpse in it. if you think yours doesn't, YOU'RE the corpse.

every time i gain 100 lbs my dick turns smaller and redder—like its struggling harder and harder just to exist. i call this "Satan's Facade"

Exploring Bill the Cat's Brain To get inside Bill the Cat's brain, we could take several paths. The most obvious is through his rather gaping large mouth. There are dangers associated with this though; he might take a swig of Kool-Aid from his Fred Flintstone cup. This would prove disastrous, as we would end up in his stomach, surrounded by bits of Twinkees and Whatchamacallit bars, and then we would eventually be let through his digestive track and out through the anus. Not a pleasant end. Soon we have climbed through the new hole and have climbed onto the outer section of Matt's small brain. My, it is small. It looks like it is probably about the size of the average 8-year-old. No wonder he's such an idiot on BBS's. After passing this monstrosity, we peruse all of Matt's creative thoughts, and then come upon something so completely horrible that we flee in terror. It is something that has a squid-like head complete with tentacles, with an equally hideous body.

Fan fic writers act like they’re a marginalized class and not tumblr search result terrorists

"Fear And Loathing In Illinois"

"FEAR IS USED 2 ENSLAVE THE MASSES," I SAID AS I RIPPED THE FUCKIN DECORATIVE CARDBOARD SKELETON OFF OF THE COMMUNITY CENTERS BULLETIN BOARD

fellow wizards, meet me in the field beyond the old pumpkin patch. we’re gonna go ritually curse autism speaks.

few sounds are more frightening than an ant's howl

For the witches and strippers

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO GIVE A DAMN, I HAVE HAD TO CHANGE MY DIET AND BEGIN WORKING OUT FOR HEALTH REASONS. HENCE, I HAVE BEEN RELUCTANT TO UPDATE AS MY PROGRESS IS SLOW AND UP AND DOWN. CURRENTLY, I AM MORE INTERESTED IN BUILDING MUSCLE MASS, MAINTAINING MY CURRENT GUT SIZE AND MAKING SURE I REMAIN IN AS GOOD A HEALTH AS POSSIBLE. THERE IS NO SCARY DISEASE MERELY SOME IRRITATIONS THAT NEED TO GET UNDER CONTROL. CURRENTLY WORKING OUT FOR STRENGTH AND TO INCREASE MUSCLE MASS MAINTAINING THE GUT WITH FOOD & BEER

frankenstein’s neck bolts are an erogenous zone, we’re all agreed yes?

FREE Baby Zombie Hand FREE

FROM A WORLD BELOW, IT CAME TO TERRORIZE TO DESTROY- TO REVENGE!

I hate going into kitchens in Resident Evil. I mean - you just know that there's something in the 'fridge. There always is. And you don't want to open the 'fridge, but you know there's something in there that you need. However, you're running out of ammo, so you're left with killing a zombie using nothing more than a toothpick and the urine from pissing your pants.

GameStop Girl, I want to kill robotic zombie terrorists with you - m4w

geting AssBlasted for sharing my normal man's perspective, in a world . being fucked hardcore, by goblins, for liking Due Process

Getting too addicted to using my chain lightning orb. I’m not even using it on goblins anymore i’m like out with friends and i start zapping people with chain lightning in olive garden. Sometimes there isn’t even a big crowd it’s just like one or two enemies. It just feels so good to use. I need to pace myself. Go back to the classics. Just magic missiles and fireballs for a bit. I don’t like who i’m becoming

He told me he had been to a graveyard and seen my name on six gravestones.

Ghost Do Exist You Dumb Fucking Fuck

Ghosts aren't real, it was probably just the house settling that gave you that blowjob

GIANT SELF STIRRING AND SELF HEATING CAULDRON!!!

girl is your pussy a graveyard because I’m dying to get in

Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people

*goes to hell and awkwardly follows satan the entire time*

goodnight goblins. goodnight ghouls. goodnight screaming tomes and scrolls. goodnight floating glowing eye. goodnight my dear homunculi. goodnight imps and spectral wraiths. goodnight false god that feeds on faith. goodnight bony skeletons. goodnight inert collapsing sun. goodnight monster made of mud. goodnight vampires drinking blood. i wish you all good evil-night. and please do let the bed bugs bite

gordon ramsey: let's have a looking at the walk-in (opens door and sees a little mushroom man eating a rotten cucumber like a banana) fuck me did you know you have a little ghoulie in there. fuck that's frightening. he's having a munch. at least somebody is enjoying the food

Gravity bong legit got me scared as fuck

Greetings earthlings! You have reached the home of bathtub girl. I live in a bathtub on the moon. That's right the moon. You know that big crater up in the sky approximately 200,000 from earth? That's where I live. Life would normally be lonely up here on the moon but I have my robot friends Wally Wires, Marilyn Monitor, and Krafty the Keyboard to keep me company. I also have you my readers. Bathtub Girl is that girl who views the world with wonder, refusing to let neither time nor others devour her dreams. She is naiad, the water sprite dancing and splashing with wild abandon within the serentiy of her sacred, sylvan glade. She is ageless, eternal youth, relishing the peace within her, immersed in the purity of her most basic element, water. Bathtub Girl is, The Goddess of the White Lotus Flower, departing her heavenly bed of petals to bathe on earth. She is every person surrendering in deep, watery repose to the yin that resides in each of us. Bathtub Girl is a vision of sensuous, alluring beauty gracing us this day with her surreal presence. She is the spirit within each of us that emerges as the embodiment of our cleansing and healing natures. She is every girl child, woman and crone who nurtures and nourishes us with the waters of life.

Had to block a friend ive had since kindergarten because he said he was going to fuck the new ghost busters ghost. Im through playing games

Halloween toy idea: solar powered plastic vampire just screams

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers. I'm gonna put my DICK in a pumpkin."

"happy howlidays" from my Rotty's, my Pitty's, & one Nasty old Hound dog, who will offer my home No Reprieve from their urine this new year.

Haunted 1960s coffee grinder

Haunted 1988 Winnebago Le'sharo

Haunted Thai Puppet

Haunted toaster

have u heard of the dungeon synth mimic? it looks like a regular black metal tape but when you pop it in it only plays spooky boop noises. also it grows teeth and arms and tries to kill you

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO RECEIVE A BLESSING FROM THE GOD OF ALL THINGS HUGGY? THE FOLLOWING FOLKS HAVE !!!!!!NOTE SOME FOLKS HAVE BEEN REMOVED AS THEY ARE NO LONGER BLESSED ( THEIR LUCKY THEY AINT INCURRED MY WRAITH I MAY START A CURSED PAGE HEH)I HAVE ADDED SOME FOLKS ALSO POUTY GIRL JUST CAUSE SHE HAS A CUTE WITTLE VOICE HEY HEY HEH AND CAUSE I COULD JUST SEE HER EYES LIGHT UP WITH WONDER WHEN I INTRODUCED HER TO MP3S THIS WEEK HEH PONY GIRL CAUSE SHE SENDS OUT THE LEATHER BUTT PIC HEH AND I COULD MAKE MONEY LETTING PEOPLE SPANK HER LOL 1-900 SPANK PNY HEY IT COULD HAPPEN HEH I LIKE IT LOL SAMMY AND SUZI 2 OF THE NICEST KIDS I HAVE TALKED TO IN A WHILE WHO I'M GONNA HAVE TO PLAY NINTENDO WITH WHEN I VISIT THEM AND THEIR MOM JACKIE PSI MY PSYCHIC SEXUAL ADVISOR(g) REALLY THIS WOMAN IS HOT AND NOT JUST IN LOOKS EITHER KELTIC MIST: SOMETIMES GOLD IS TARNISHED BABE KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NO FEAR AND LIT 'O ME THE TEAM FEAR CREW: YEAH I OWE U THANKS FOR THE GIF!!! ANGEL THE COMMUNITY LEADER SHE HELPED ME WITH SOME BACKGROUND PROBLEMS THANKS GIRL I OWE YOU THERE IS ALWAYS A PLACE IN HUG HEAVEN FOR YOU MORE BLESSINGS TO COME SOON ALSO BLESSING WILL APPEAR ON THE SUB PAGES FOR FOLKS IN THOSE AREAS TO!!

there was a young vampire named mable who's periods where really quite stable and every full moon she'd get out a spoon and drink herself under the table <|iCARUS> sick bastard <|iCARUS> i like it tho :0

He was a billionaire from old money, but somehow it hadn't ruined him. He was kind and giving, tall, handsome, his penis was the perfect size. He had dated other women, but only you had ever truly captivated him, also he was a werewolf.

"He was always high and wearing t-shirts about weed" - cool dude's gravestone

Height of noise: Skeletons making love on a tin roof.

heres my halloween costume. im going as a bumblebee

he was dressed as a big fuckin devil like, HUGE costume 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head at some anime con in california they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel he's riding the elevator down to the con space doors open, little old baptist woman standing there he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

his evil eyes radiate a soul filled with evil very scary. sure he is in hell

Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w

[HyperKinetic] They ate each other, they moaned. They were zombies

I am a very good Zombie-Lord, and always treat my filth-soldiers with true R.I.P. style and respect.

i am going to suck you off! *puts in plastic vampire teeth and gives you the worst blowjob imaginable*

I am haunted by the fear that someday someone will find out that I don't give a shit about the Beatles

I AM THE PHANTOM SHITTER

I believe he did this as a warning against me ever trying to re-enter the dharmic plane, I have the utmost fear and respect for the shadow people.

i bet it feels good as fuck to erupt from the soil as a skeleton warrior

I casually waltzed up to the nearest beef-side and began to sweet-talk it. "Hi, new in town? Ever get into Satanism? Shit, you're cute." The cool beef did not reply.

I constantly manipulate everyone around me by calculating what would be the nicest thing to do in any given situation, making a point of doing it when it matters the most. This is supported by subtly, casually tailoring what I talk about to the person I'm speaking to, and saying what I think they may find funny or interesting. the really sick thing is I look just like a normal person and there's no way you can tell me apart from anyone. If I weren't such a monster I would be afraid knowing people like this are out there, but I know I'm on top and have nothing to fear.

I don't mean to play devil's advocate here, but maybe you really should worship Satan, the prince of all darkness.

i feel a profound sadness within me...... sex horror sex bat sex horror sex vampire sex bat horror vampire sex

I feel like an alien tomb would be sooooo fucking cool until a alien mummy gets up and chase you

I hate that ‘bad dream’ just means ‘nightmare’ instead of ‘shitty quality dream.’ I had a bad dream last night. It wasn’t scary it just didn’t make a lot of narrative sense

i heard he can go into the spirit halloween without crying at all

i hope i never ever ever see this image while im high or it will also straight up kill me. it would make me so scared my skeleton would run away And id be a boneless scared heap on the ground

i just found out tombstones have dead people underneath them. fucked up

I knew the satanic panic was not all lies and mass hysteria coming from holy roller southern christians!!!!! Where there's smoke there's fire!

I learned that I am dragon. I am psi vamp, extremly so. I have to wear gloves as to not hurt people by draining them. This is wear you share about what kin YOU are! That which gives life meening is that it ends. Liveing is dieing. Dieing is liveing. Are you alive, or dead? I'm also a dragon, a shinoar dragon to be precise, and psyvamp, though I don't drain people the way you seem to. How did you find out that you are a dragon? Flvrs lahss ss hrr shinerr anarrst! "Yes, I'd like to buy a vowel..." Realy weird magic. Basicly I reflected my true form in a miror of my own blood. Plus I alwase had a thing for dragons. I have a silver dragon pendent that I wear ALWASE. It is curled around a saphire, and it is my treasure."Yes I am aware of the fact that guys arent soposed to wear jewlry, but it is my favent thing in this world" I just dont know how to turn off my energy drainer thingy. Im fairly new to BEING a vampire, though psycic is something Ive alwase been. My thery is that the stronger our spirit, the more vampiric we become. I have the spirit of a dragon, what could be stronger than that?

I learned to worship Satan when my parents foolishly allowed me to play with a crayon set that included the color red.

I lied put your clothes back on. I don't know how to fuck and I'm scared

I love Halloween I can't wait to hand out pure fentanyl to every kid dressed as a cop

I love to find bugs and be scared of them

i m. Inthe pjrking lor right niw. so Scary. Where

I need help. Big time. I think my house has demons in it. A couple nights ago i was drifting off to sleep when I heard what sounded like a deep voice saying my name. My first thought as my mind was playing tricks on me. I tried to ignore it but it kept continuing. I eventually got up to investgate. I searched the house. I kept hearing the voicee but couldn't fin anything. Then the door to my basement opened. I entered the basement and got really hot. Then I looked in teh corner and saw what appeared to be a man, about 5'10. He was naked and has what looked to be horns sticking out of his head. I became scared and ran up stairs. When I came up stairs I dicovered that all the lights in my house were put on. I ran out of teh house I saw red eyes. Nothign has happened since. Did I have an expierence with the devil. Or what? Re: Stop searching, you will not find him, it's happend to me several times throughout my lifetime, pay particular attn. to you're dreams when this happens, it's all I can tell you.

i remark "mummies are made out of diapers" at the egypt museum. some cops jump out a sarcophagus and begin humping me as i roll on the floor

i respect installing $40000 of mods into a pit bull to make him look like Frankenstein but changing his name to "btk killer" is too much.

i swear if i get called a satan worshiper one more time i'm going to kill someone. everyday i get asked by at least ten people if i worship satan. when i tell them that i don't believe in satan or god they ask me why. do i ask them why they believe in god, no. so stop fucking asking me why i don't. let me believe what i want and you can believe whatever the fuck you want to. just leave me be!!! Re: stop calling me that so........ do you worship satan? Re: stop calling me that people used to call me shit like that, ant they threw ice at me, so i just turned around and called them christian and threw lit matches on them. my advice is to fung good ways to fuck with them and confuse them using your superior gothic intalect . trust me, it makes for amusing anicdotes later in life when you meet people at clubs and cant think of anything to say

I was known as the chief grave robber of my state. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

i went to arizona accompanied by two desert goblins and smoked spirit leaf out of a human stomach

i will respect the wishes of th e mayor and the townsfolk by not fucking the pumpkin patch and ruining the harvest, only if i am given $100.

I wish i had a machine that could be hooked to my head and display whatever i was thinking on a TV screen. [YES OR I COULD JUST CHANGES TEH TV SATATIAN TO FAGOT-TV CHANNAL 68!!! HAHA YUOR SHOW SUCKS] I like to think that that would make me millions. [YES MILLIANS OF PUNCHES OF DEATH TOO YUOR GROINS FROM ME JEFF K!!!]I create little movies in my brain and if something that easy were possible i'd be in the butter zone baby. [JERRY SI IN TEH BUTTAR ZONE FOR FAR TOO LONG HAHAHAHHAHAHA]But there is no such machine, so i have to attempt to explain to you what it is that i think about all the time. and let me tell you it's not an easy task. especially since i can only type so fast and my head is spinning. are you aware that it's 1:15 in the morning. [ARE YUO AWARE YUOR A SPINNING SHIT?] if your reading this you were probably asleep when i wrote it. what is this really? [CRAP] i don't think it qualifies as a poem.[POEMS ARE CRAP TOO] and a manifesto is a little to complex for my peon thinking. so what is it? a nugget of joy as space ghost would say. [A NUGGET OF TURD MAYEB] if i play with toys when i'm 40 does that make me imature? [NO IT MAEKS YUO A FAGOT YUO FAGOT] or just more advanced? or neither?....... why can't people just be themselves. [PLEAS STOP BEING YUORSELF YUO CRETIN] i am tied down by a family. but let me assure you that when the time is write i will be 100% myself. [WHEN THEY DISOWN YUO PROBALY] unlike you people who worry about what others think. i must admit though. i do worry sometimes too. it's only natural right? i'd better end this one before it takes up the whole fucken page. [YES END IT ALL] wow what a shitbarn page I think!!! I wouldant visit thes p

I would be so good at haunting you after i die

I'd put you all on Salem Witch trial for the spells you be puttin' on me. And I ain't even gotten to yo feets yet! with those toes all sticking out - like little sausages sans cocktail sticks.

"I'm four months pregnant with my father's child. But it's not the first time," Pat went on. "I've had four other children by him. They were sacrificed in satanic ceremonies!"

I'm out of weed so I have to smoke thw one that makea me scared

I'm so freaking mad! Someone called me a terrorist because I wear diapers! He said I wear the same stuff that the arabs wear on their head! How can someone be such a jerk like that!? I just want to go over to this guy's house and poop all over his bed! Then he'll know diapers are all about!

shit.. the zombie processes have gone chaotic on my pull parity flip the bits, STAT you should also vi the slackware I get the idea that you guys might be making this shit up.

if i got a tattoo of "property of vincent price" on my ass with his name being his sig, is that morally wrong?

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

if u truly are with vincent price (ur with either a trickster spirit or fucking lying) treat him better.

if you find a dildo deep in the haunted forest dont use it. its mine

if you're ever smoking and you get scared just remember it's your fault and you're going to be like that forever now

If you've ever scooped out pumpkin innards, fingering me feels very similar- plus you can eat the "seeds".

If your grave doesn't say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war . Like and retweet

if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

ill vote for the candidate who promises to make masturbating in haunted houses illegal

im known to "Trick or Treat" from my neighbors mail boxes. they love it and it drives them wild. And it`s a bit of fun

In high school I was voted most likely to be tormented by spirits

In this day and time vampires have it easy. Our streets are crowded with the homeless, youngsters that have run away from home, the mentally off that our society totally neglects, and party goers and those out for a night on the town. When vampires feed; late at night in darkness, they have plenty of food to choose from. Most vampires that work urban areas are presented as young beautiful girls in their 20's. Many men have died letting the little head think for the big one. Wow, I got a fine looking gal for party time tonite....not knowing that the party they were going to was not going to be much fun for themselves.... Depending on the vampire and his personality determines whats on the menu. Most people that end up as vampire food are not even reported missing. Who is going to report a homeless person as missing. The Police would say sure we'll look for him and the report goes in the trashcan. A kid that has ran away from home is another No one looks for. Vampires have learned over the centuries to cover their tracks pretty well. The notion that vampires are not originally from this planet has been around for several centuries. Maybe it is they who fly around in UFO's and been identified as shooting stars even in our own Bible. If you would like to read about my First Kill click on the below box and read about the first face to face encounter I had with a vampire almost 25 years ago now. My best friend at the time Joe. S. was killed by a vampire. I will add different encounters on a weekly basis of the over 30 vampires I have encountered. Some I killed, some ran to other areas of this earth, and some are well hidden after our meetings. Be sure also to let me know of any Vampire tales, encounters, or if you know where a vampire is actively feeding. Tex.......

Is it wrong to root for Tom Hank's character's death in "Castaway"? No, because its Tom Hanks. He starred in Mazes and Monsters, a blantant anti DnD film. Staring in porn is more respectable than being in that shit heap. Rob, that was before he was established. You have to take roles like that so you can get better ones. I don't care. Staring in porno would be more respectable than that. You seem to have an unnatural fixation about seeing Tom Hanks in porn. Shut the fuck up, Ghost. Busted.

"insects have an exoskeleton" walk on outta here with that talk pardner. it's a little box for their paste. ain't no kind of skeleton.

invoke my big ass with satan noises or go home

i tripped a couple summers ago and had a 'jerry' trip sort of, he had just died and i listened to some dead and tried to summon his spirit

it becamed a scary reality

it will be a cold day in hell before I give up eating banana skeletons

I… becamed a vampire. Yea so , earlier I had a bite in my neck and I didnt know from what bit me… and then when I woked up, their light from my curtain fuckeing hurt my eyes alot. And well … I am going too work in my powers and hopefally master their so I can use them for good includeing 1. Suck blood 2. Dark teleport 3. Mist form 4. Unholy flame grapple hook

jacking off on halloween like a fucking crankenstein

What if there was a Resident Evil game in France? it'd be boring as shit all the zombies would run away

Oh my god. I was at the train station today, and this REALLY EMO GUY comes up to me and asks me if i have a lighter So i get it out and go to light it Then his fucking fringe catches on fire LOL! I pissbolted. I'm scared of going back there tomorrow and seeing a burned emo corpse on the ground

JerrysCatTom: whenever i get out of the shower i have a habit of writing... well... drawing things in the mirror for the next person to see.... dinosaurs, ghosts, monsters, you know the usual... but this time, i went to the bathroom, and my mom had just taken a shower... so i look at the fogged up window, and write "look down" with arrows pointing downwards. we have the curtins covering the lower half of the window, so after you pull them aside you see another ghost with sharp teeth saying, "BOO!!"... god my parents are gonna think i smoke pot... :/

Joy is stored in the wildly inaccurate Halloween skeleton

just frownloaded a terrorfright of SCARY images

just realized that skeletons are basically just rocks hitching a free ride inside of our bodies. sad and pissed off

Let's tell scary stories! Ok, I'll start. There was this guy, and he was in the kitchen...OF DOOM! And in that kitchen, he baked...THE PIE OF LOST SOULS! And to cool that pie, he put it in...THE WINDOW TO HELL! Ok, let's promise ourselves to never tell scary stories again...ever

Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't let this kid invade a vampire's anus in this RPG, right, I was GMing, and his character was an Anus Shade, with the power to possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I figured that vampires don't have anuses. a vampire's anus is present, but non-working. like a network card without the appropriate driver. Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth. And you're DMing an rpg with Anus Shades.

i knew a kid who dressed up as a goth leprechaun for halloween all black outfit, with a grayscale rainbow, and a pot full of cure albums

Kudos to the clever cop who used laser pointer 2 lead my nude howling ass into his cruiser...

*ladling green bubbling liquid out of my cauldron and into my bong* oh yeah this is gonna rip

Large Glass Jar (possibly containing a ghost)

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404. *cries*, scary....

local orgy vibe ruined by man who made terrible dog howls while extremely caught up in the moment - bastard is now imprisoned in astral cube

new tarot card "fuck your entire life" and its a guy being attacked by devils and flaming skulls and wild animals and screaming and fire everywhere

“Look at these titles! Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this "Madden" shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb! One compound word: It's MOTHERFUCKING, GODDAMNED, SONS-OF-BITCHIN', FUCK-FUCK-FUCKIN', FOOTBALL!”

Looks like someone’s vampire is getting fucked by the devil

louder than skeletons fucking on a tin roof

Love seeing Christians be like "I can't believe LGBTQ teens are worshipping Satan instead of our nice god who hates them"

I knew a guy who dressed up for Halloween as a giant penis with ferns growing around the base, and said he was dressed as a dickweed.

id ownz us all and we know it well maybe not jud he doesn't know it but he'll find out when Doom3 arrives in the shops yay, pasty fat white zombies for everyone! yeah, w00t pasty fat white zombies? Americans? why spend bazillions on a computer capable of running doom3 when i could just look in the mirror? Doom3, the game where you get to shoot American white trash in the gut

MC with zombie(?) at Loyola stop - w4z

in psychology we were discussing sleep and the blind kid with bad hearing asks "I heard that if you are dreaming and falling, and you hit the ground, you die for real" and my professor immediately says "Yes. You die." I LOL'd so hard then someone else asks "I hear that if you have a nightmare in which you die, you die for real" and he goes "No, that's complete rubbish" I wanted to ask "I hear if you are dreaming that you are battling zombies and you get bitten, you will wake up and be a zombie. True or false, Professor? TRUE OR FALSE?!"

I was talking to a pimpin' ghost with my friends Lisa and Candace. "Are you there?" Ouija Board: NO "Why not?" Ouija Board: SEX "Oh. Goodbye"

it would be cool to get attacked my a monster or something, I mean think of the stories or if you died you'd be a hero yah, I prepare for monster attacks daily cause imagine if you WERE a hero I have garlic incase of vampires, and a cross incase of a vampire, and on the rare chance of a vampire I have holy water ...actually im only prepared for vampires

Mistakes I Made Last Halloween: 1. Waiting until the last minute to buy a costume. 2. Using cheap candy. 3. That hokey-looking scarecrow I put in the yard. 4. Letting one of the children escape alive.

Most successful heavy metal projects one or more of the following basic themes: extreme rebellion, extreme violence, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity/perversion, including homosexuality, bisexuality, sadomasochism, necrophilia, etc.—and Satanism. Dr. oe Stuessy, Professor of usic at the Univer

my "happy Halloween " wishes have already been sent out so if you did not receive one then you are Fucked.

my biggest fear is that theres an earth quake while im jacking off and little pieces of cum start flyiyng into my mouth and all over my dog

my favorite flavor is red“ ”that's what a vampire says before it kills you

my favorite LSD story is from this old microsoft engineer who took a ridiculous amount of acid and found a way to open a windows xp control panel of his brain and turned off his fear of heights

My ghost is such a joke!

my name is Thomas..im 24 years old ...this is all true with no exxagerations...ever since i was a little boy ..( i grew up in the woods of a small county in VA)..i would roam the woods and the outdoors looking for whatever was out there...i would sit thinking that i could fly like the birds, climb like a squirrel,run and hunt like the wolf.i wanted so badly to become wild. I hated people and the evils they bring,.As a child i watched a neighbor kill my beloved pets..3 dogs and 2 cats...and some lizzards...this lit a fire inside of me...i was a boy but the rage was overwelming.I thought of revenge...i wanted to kill...a beast was slowly emerging...thats when it all started...i remember going into the deep forests and listening, then praying and pleading that i may become a wolf....i said chants i begged the gods i did dances ...all this and I was but a child....everynite for months i would try to transform myself..i would imagine my body turning into a wolf...i sat up so many nites trying to transform..over and over and over.. i remember some time going past and nothing happend...the pain of my loss subsided for the moment...then it happend...it was afternoon my little brother and i were playing on an old dirt sawmill road about a mile from home...we were riding bikes and playing...then from out of the woods came the 2 neighbor brothers that had killed our pets...i remember feeling very nervous...my little brother was very outspoken and he said somthing in the lines of here come the killers... the eldest brother...(his name Peter he was about 16 years old his little brother was about 14 or 15.) ..grabbed my little brother by the back of his neck and shoved his face in the dirt(my little brother was about 12 and i 13) and started slamming his face up and down into the ground.... thats when it happend...i started growling...not a human growl but a doglike deep bass growl...i started to slowly walk towards peter as if he were prey...my head was lowered and i walked with a great ease and comfort without any fear what so ever...when i was about 20 ft from him i ran and leaoed upon his back and sank my teeth into the back of his neck...i ripped out a large hunk of flesh with my teeth ...he flung himself round and round till i fell off...he then screamed as he saw blood covering his white t shirt and he ran home with his brother and never looked back.i tasted his blood and evr since that day things have been quite different for me...i have become a beast when it calls for it...i feel a primal transformation take place ..it comes during time of physical confrontation or when i want it to come ..and in this primal state my senses are extremely keen ..beyond imagine.. i also have a strength that propels me beyond my normal human capabilities..i can run so much faster,climb,jump everything that requires strength i can do 100 times better if not more...i also have a craving for raw meat and blood but i dnt think that has anything to do with it, but when i eat raw meat or drink blood i get a rush that is unimaginable..well that is part of my story..all true...if you want to ask me anything feel free.. email me at wolveXx@aol.com i believe that the months of conditioning on my brain that i could become a wolf ,actually mentally ,gave me all the abilities and physically also but with no physical transformation...i can feel the beast within..and it is like a comfort that keeps me safe...i am my own gaurdian...but there are 2 sides......this is a very short account of what i am...i am looking for a female donor...i thrive on the energy that comes from blood..it is truly amazing....this may be a bad idea posting this but here goes....i live in central florida and i am willing to travel where ever it may be..i am a traveller

my spirit animal is t he lowly paramecium, cosmic punishment for killing a paramecium in my past life

naming a drink monster is actually scary as fuck they shouldve named it healing safety drink

NASA just discovered a vampire continent

this place looks like a ghost town try changing the colors of your client so it looks like hawaii or somethign

natesilver 538 keep me good from frankenstein, werewolrf, ghosts,spook'ums, ,enchanters, and critters,on this nasty day !! keep me logged IN

NORMALLY SOME SORT OF IDIOTIC QUOTE WOULD GO HERE. HOWEVER, NOTHING CAN MATCH THE SPLENDOR OF THE TEDDY BEAR'S PICNIC. WE HAVE MIRRORED THE ENTIRE SITE IN CASE IT EVER GOES DOWN. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.

Now choose your fate: ENTER and join us Freaks..OR Run Away like a scared little mouse.....

Oh man did you eat the whole edible? The whole thing? Yeah that's bad bro. No you're gonna be fine. The horse demons don't like that though. Yeah the evil horse demons with fucked up scary human faces that live in the bathroom at night so they can get people who are too high. Those ones. Yeah they can smell when you're scared.

oh yeah this happened with one of my toad blood tapes, scary stuff

“Oh, my God. (laughs) T-that Game Over screen…! That is… I-I… I thought I've seen everything! But th-they, they use a REAL, a ph-photo… yo-you go from a cartoony kangaroo… to a REAL picture, of a kangaroo skeleton in the FUCKING DESERT!”

Oh, no! Something's wrong. They got knives! The men have got knives and they are hurting each other. I don't understand. I'm scared!

U.S. Attorney General Ashcroft, U.S. Commerce Secretary Evans resign Knowing the country's luck, we'll get someone worse than Ashcroft. I would say that's impossible, but I don't want to jinx the country. BREAKING NEWS-President Bush appoints Hitler's ghost as the new U.S. Attorney General.

one of those edible situations where you wake up and everything is scary until like 3pm

One time that expresses my Sephirothity is when this kid called me a douche and I gave an evil laugh and told him that when the Reunion came he would be first to get burned by the flames of justice. Then i glared at him and my hair fell over my eyes so i couldn't see what he did but i think he was really scared because he kept making these yelping noises.

i hate games that are always go get the red key open the red door then get the blue key yea yeah, i mean, what the fuck thats why i didnt play resident evil it was horrible like that yea but there were zombies I was like "damn i'd hate to live here and have to go to the bathroom" * delay runs down the hall, grabs the blue gem, opens door one, runs back to get SHIELD EMBLEM makes it to the bathroom door... wets himself no you pee inside the emblem and it opens up a secret passage

only come out in the dim lights. vampire

ooooh, i'm sooo scared. *a few seconds later* nevermind, now i'm ACTUALLY scared! aaaahhh!!!

Oooohhh Dracula your so fucking hot i want to fuck your tight vampire ass so bad your going to fart and shit out my cum

You know, I think the modern-day computer tech replaces, to some extent, the mystic of ancient times. Here we have these strange, inexplicable boxes that are sometimes possessed by demons, and the mystic comes and opens the sacred box and waves his magic charms and things and somehow exorcises the spirits and makes everything good and whole again. Then he takes all your money and disappears.

costume party tip #417 - If you forget to pick up a costume, just turn up in your underwear. If someone asks you what you've arrived as, just say "premature ejaculation - I came in my underwear". oh god that's awful yes, yes it is what a great idea Ã° jimmie/#hades makes notes or...wear a condom on your nose, when people ask you what you are, just say "fuck knows"

over one hundred terror bytes of scary images on my horrifying hard drive

OZZY OSBOURNE - "I'm thinking about starting a school for Rock N' Roll. I can teach all my demented ideas to a whole generation . . . that would be the ultimate revenge." Osbourne once bit the head off a bat in concert and had to be given rabie [sic] shots. [...] He has 14 tatoos, including one of the grim reaper on his chest, with the number 666 on it. He claims he was compelled to see THE EXORCIST 26 times. [...] He has been quoted as saying, "I don't know if I'm a medium for some outside force or not, frankly, whatever it is I hope it's not what I think it is, Satan." I'm afraid we got some bad news for you, Ozzy! -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

pavlov thinks hes good just because he can make dogs drool with bells. mean while I can make dogs howl insanely just by taking my Ass out

Peasants Fear The Ruthless Tyrants Punishing Blows, Trudging Day And Night Inn DespairKeep reading

per my last desperate howl at the heavens,

i spent the past hour doing leet network diagnosis i flexed every single last one of my skillz to what end? i meditated on the problem i consulted the big book of hardware i consulted oracles, farseers, nearsighted witches and trolls what i shouldve done is PLUGGED THE FUCKING NETWORK CABLE INTO THE FUCKING SERVER

Pollen : The Magic Fairy Dust of Satan

pretty zombie girl your eyes were falling out

PSA: tumblr user littlefuckinmonster is stealing human bones from cemeteries in Louisiana. Please don’t let them get away with this and spread the word/signal boost!

Put it on your TOS that dicks appearing through ghosts costs extra

pyramid was the first haunted hous.e Fact.

Quayle says 'The Satanic Verses' is "obviously not only offensive but, I think most of us would say, in bad taste," though he hasn't read it. -- from a chronological Quayle primer, Mar. 16 1989

- quit: (CIA) (SDF@n00b-3A83B275.dyn.optonline.net) (Killed (NickServ (Ghost command used by FBI))) (@NSA) OMG GHOST GOVERMENT

i think [shaolin soccer] was about to be released same weekend as Resident Evil but they pushed it back to not be in competition zombie soccer! you could put the shaolin soccer guys up against a bunch of zombies they could do like bullet kicks and blow their heads off and stuff no, zombies against zombies slowest soccer game ever

RaceTM: yeah its really weird it seems like every time i re-install, something goes wrong RaceTM: i have yet to get a flawless ghost image RaceTM: its pissing me off lol RaceTM: and im sure its probably one dumb program i always install that messes things up Veritech Ferret: hehe Veritech Ferret: Windows

Any cat people here? I've got a problem with Nicky... I've been known to be handy with a wok Why, I'm a cat person. I took Morgan to the vet yesterday - he was gone for a total of 45 minutes, got two vaccs and a blood draw. Brought him home and Nicky went BALLISTIC. Spent the rest of the night yowling and hissing and attacking MOrgan. nicky smells the hospital smells on morgan Yeah, I've seen that happen. Is there anything I can do to get the hospital stink off him, then? Pack his carrier in coffe grounds or something? how about a bath just give it a day or so We tried catnip and butter, and neither worked. butter? you buttered your cat? Yes. it's the best way to butter the house. Cats are effective butter delivery units. We read somewhere to put butter on a cat's forehead. did the emolient facilitate insertion? And the other cat licks it off, and likes the first cat, because it tastes like butter. As I said, it didn't work. you read sopmewhere to put butter on the cats foreWHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING rub the two cats together vigorously until they smell like each other piss on them both at the same time KITTY TASTES LIKE BUTTER It's more fun to put tape on their feet. why not do both and then get out the handycam I believe what I was thinking was "Maybe it will work. And even if it doesn't, I get to butter the cat's forehead." AFHV would *love* some footage of sticky-pawed, freshly buttered cats trying in vain to avoid a stream of steaming miller lite You know what helps with feuding cats, Lore? Sending me lots of cash. now, see, I read somewhere -- I think it was leviticus -- that what you should do is frost them betty crocker, right out of the can Chocolate or buttercream? rave: go chocolate, buttercreme isn't pareve you're frosting meat? and then there'a always Cat Wellington "What are you doing in the kitchen, dear?" "Just buttering the cat, pumpkin!" "Why don't you baste the chicken while you're at it, too, dear?" "Baste the ... *light bulb* ...Sure! Sure, I'll 'baste the chicken'!" a google images search for "buttered cat" returns a picture of isaac hayes chocolate salty cat balls

Realize woke = satanism, once you leave god and natures rules your an open door for the demons.

*reclines in chair a nd ages 2 ,000 years instantly turning into a skeleton and then pile of shit* ah everything's going according to plan

you know what you shouldn't take on planes? Leslie Nielson? Box Cutters? William Shatners? Gameboys? Babies? Wesley Snipes? Flaming torches? Vials of smallpox? Zombies? Mutha fuckin snakes?

ugh, just some bangbus porn two PALE ass people it was like watching ghosts fuck.

remember not to die on halloween so you dont turn into w pumpkin

remember to check your halloween candy bag before eating this year! it may include twizzlers which just fucking suck

Restored Gnome (may be haunted)

RETURN OF THE PHANTOM SHITTER

RIAA Rep 387: My name is Mark Guineve, and I am a representative of the Recording Industry Association of America. We here at the RIAA, have recieved reports of illegal filesharing of copyrighted materials on your PC. We are currently filing lawsuits, against copyright infringement offenders, and are willing to give you a courtesy warning to stop these illegal activities, or we will subpoenea your ISP, to take further action. RIAA Rep 387: We have detected several acts of illegal piracy on your computer. RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, I am also in New Jersey and I can call your house if you would prefer. Girl: what am i supposed to do RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, are you currently using KaZaA, or is it another File-Sharing service? Girl: kazaa Girl: i just closed out of it Girl: WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!! RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, it is necessary that you now dance around topless with a fishstick in your pants. RIAA Rep 387: Ma'am, are you doing this yet? Girl: **** u! RIAA Rep 387: Not appropriate language, Kristy. RIAA Rep 387: Nah, I'm just messin' with you. Girl: that scared me.. i was about to start dancin Girl: jp who is this

What are they naming the bastard child? she wants to call the baby Rochel if it's a girl hooker name and they will probably name it Vampire Hunter D if it's a boy I'd name my kid something totally badass, regardless of the sex Like Tyranocore Or Vader

<@RT[Ragnarok]> meet me in the middle of the 2nd level of the skeleton cave I WANNA CAST MAGIC MISSILE

Anyone know what's going on X Files? if anyone spoils anything I'm gonna kickban them. Then, they get a tip, that some guy named AtmaWeapon's mom, was some kinda funky werewolf. So they drove to her house with 3metric tons of tranq, and shot her fat ass. Repeatedly, until she passed out. But the slobber from her mouth floods the room and kills everyone.

SATAN THANK YOU .. FATHER TAKE MY SOUL .. GIVE ME MAGIC LUST AND DEMONIC ... NEMA ...

Satan's Marionette Puppet

satan-fighting cisco switch for sale!

SATANIST PROMISES 1) Power 2) Drugs 3) Giant Hog 4) Nintendo

Satanist ran the hippie movement. We need to bring back the Salem witch trials

Yeah, you still have to wear condoms when you're having sex with a dead person, otherwise she might give birth to ZOMBIES, who will CONQUER THE WORLD. And that's never a good thing. That's why necrophilia is outlawed.

Seneca -- ghost-town with liquor license

sex is so scary what if i fall in and i get trapped in a realm

I probably like Blade because he reminds me of myself Even though I am not afro-american and not a half-vampire armed to the teeth I do have sunglasses though

Funny how all zombies have muscles, skin and everything else nearly falling off of them, yet they almost always have a fully functioning digestive system.

smoking a cigarette in lingerie with latex gloves shooting energy balls at giant centipedes, bats, walking skeletons, and gremlins

smoking that shit that makes me walk like frankenstein/ me and my boy parked wrong but we paid the fine

snubbed again by the 2012 Skeleton Awards; tore my skin off for naught 84. Vampire A: Im murdered. My idiot ass has put to be last bullet.
Vampire B: In Death we can truely live. Good bye

so many misguided metaphors around violence and desire. if the open maw of a panting beast fills you with the want to be devoured, that does not make you prey. while the rabbit trembles in fear, its deepest desire is to run. evolution demands it. in fact, the desire to be eaten does not make you any small animal at all. it makes you a fruit.

SO PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING YELL AT ME, CALL ME STUPID, BELITTLE MY EXISTENCE OR BLAME ME FOR YOUR DREADFUL MANAGER THAT WILL SCRUTINIZE YOU FOR YOUR MOVIE VIEWING HABITS DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU PAID FOR IT YOURSELF!!!

Somebody ought to tell the truth about the Bible. The preachers dare not, because they would be driven from their pulpits. Professors in colleges dare not, because they would lose their salaries. Politicians dare not. They would be defeated. Editors dare not. They would lose subscribers. Merchants dare not, because they might lose customers. Men of fashion dare not, fearing that they would lose caste. Even clerks dare not, because they might be discharged. And so I thought I would do it myself. -- Robert G. Ingersoll, "About the Holy Bible", 1894

my room is making ominous popping sounds. ghost popcorn

I once knew this guy who kept a dream journal. Some little spiral notebook he'd keep by his bed. haha nice I'd get waken up in the middle of the night and find him writing shit in it. At 3 AM. Told me it was so he could remember the lucid dreams he had the following morning. So one night at about 1, I decided to have a look. As I suspected, full of shit about meeting dead people and flying across the Atlantic Ocean. He was asleep at the time, of course. So I grabbed a pencil and made my own entry. ROFL Something along the lines of: OH MY GOD I WANT YOUR BLOOD SATAN PLEASE LIBERATE ME FROM MY WRETCHED LIFE I swear, he was shaking the rest of that day.

report are you alive ? :) it might be zombies as well is 1+1 = 2 ? false 1+1 = 3 use condoms personality hash accepted welcome Roman :D

The worst of the bunch was this * Staberinde points at his crotch "Ya know this thing isn't going to blow itself!" it will if you wire it with explosives Well yes, but that's only when the zombies are near

stupid shitty skeletons not loved by anyone

Suggested: "DRAFTME", "DONTREAD", "WEDOOMU", "SEENOEVL", "JOBLESS", "FEARFAGS", "4MOREWARS", etc!! this is in or around Reality-based America post id: 47769670

takes off my party city fake vampire teeth to reveal my very real vampire teeth underneath

taking edible everyone post something funny or scary

TBH = the beastly howl

Technogen: weird, my VCR just lost power for no reason... Technogen: damn ghosts keep turning things off in my house. Technogen: last thing they turned off was my sex life...

That's OK, m8. Most of my dreams are mostly wet sexual nightmares about vampires, werebeasts, ghosts, frankenstein-type creatures, black lagoon creatures, angels, demons, anthro-human fusions, you name it. And even they and their victims all have better taste in music than this ilk, honestly.

The cancer was directly given to me by Satan as punishment for my refusal to participate in human sacrifice.

the dinosaurs were likely scared

The evolution of Rock music in the U.S. was carefully planned by Satan and carried out by his servants step by step.

The field of geology can unlock a deep Dread in a similar way that the spaces between stars or the depths of the ocean can, something existential and primordial. I have learned about the moving and colliding and buckling of tectonic plates beneath the Earth’s surface, how the crust is miles thick and the heat increases with every kilometer closer to the core. The forces it would take to push mountains miles into the sky and melt and compress rock and force continents to bend and break? How impossibly heavy a mile of stone must be? Best not to think about it. You will never be crushed by a mile of stone, or warped and metamorphosed by the heat and pressure in the depths of the earth, or anything like that. Well.I mean. Perhaps you will be after you are dead, if you turn into a fossil. Lots of things that were once alive and breathing are now trapped so deep in the earth we will never find them, and they will never be exposed to light again. ...Just don’t worry about it. Geologic time, too, is crushing. The Grand Canyon forms a cross-section of millions of years of geologic history. Near the bottom, there is a layer of rock from the Cambrian period, the Tapeats Sandstone—about 500 million years old, and 230 feet thick. Good? Okay. Below that, a body of impossibly old rock called the Vishnu Schist, which is hundreds of millions of years older, from the Precambrian era. (Why? Well, there’s a gap in the record called the Great Unconformity, which represents hundreds of millions of years of geologic history just straight up fucking gone. We don’t know why. Maybe don’t think about that either.) Rocks from the Precambrian era are rarely exposed to the surface, which is why fossils from then are so rare—and when we find fossils, they are of living things so alien, we have no words for them. Some of the Precambrian fossils are always being slowly, inexorably annihilated in the earth’s molten mantle, pressed down and forced underneath continents to meet a death beyond death. But I don’t know what chills me more—the thought of those Precambrian fossils, records of living creatures so unlike us we cannot name them, slowly being subducted into the mantle, pushed underneath miles of stone into ever-increasing heat and pressure until they are erased forever from existence, or the thought—the reality—that they are simply...still down there. Deep, deep beneath us, locked in a primordial tomb that we cannot reach because it is just...too...deep. We can find the imprints of microscopic organisms in stone that tell us that they lived, but being pushed underneath the earth and melted into magma? That’s truly irretrievable annihilation. And it happens all the time. I’m just saying. There’s a reason people thought hell lay deep beneath the earth.

The headmore horseman, a ghost with too much head. Watch out! He'll give you too much head too!! Spooky

the new US dollar, will feature a image of a dark spirit, which will be called a 'wraith dollar' and worth 2x as much

The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy states that the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. How to make one - Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit. - Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V (Oh, that Santraginus seawater. Oh, those Santrginus fish!) - Allow three cubes of Artutan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost) - Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia. - Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odors of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle, sweet, and mystic. - Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink. - Sprinkle Zamphuor. - Add an olive. - Drink ... but ... very carefully ...

The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the Scientific Research Community The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped under the broad designation "researchers" are called "professors" and sometimes "doctors." There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels. The second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult, which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone calls to secretaries. Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The tribes call this "recruitment." Several select members of the tribe travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make generous offers to the neonates. The neonates put on a secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe, wherein they accept the wonderous offers. Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe, however, initiation may take anywhere from four to seven years. The actual trials are called "preliminary exams," "qualifying exams," and, of course, the dreaded "dissertation defense" rite.

the reason that wounds that break the skin hurt is because its always supposed to be dark inside your body and when your blood sees sunlight for the first time it gets scared. and that causes the pain. or maybe it doesnt

The skeleton isn’t inside you, you’re the brain so you’re inside the skeleton.yourmutualfriendsSometimes posts make me uncomfy

the sky has turned black and scary due to the power of the cruelest monster of the haunted castle

the spirit is willing but the flesh is experiencing technical difficulties

The woods were full of whooping goblins and vampires.

the worst thing you can do in death is make the R.I.P. on your grave actually stand for Racism Is Power

THEN... ******FEAR NO MORE********** JOIN US at the BIG DICK SEMINAR this weekend, at the Marriott in Tyson's Corner Virgina You might not be able to change your actual penis size, but you can change how you feel about it!

there are four peas in the world *incredibly scary and angry voice* find them

There are free girlfriends in the haunted lake fwizard

there are rifts in the Frankenstein community regarding whether or not igor was tasked with jacking the monster off to keep it docile

There is a special class of demons who frequently refer to themselves as "power demons" who seem to provide the "glue" so to speak, to establish the link between the soul and spirit body enabling the person involved to gain conscious control of his spirit body.

there is no problem on earth that cannot be solved somehow with skeletons

they injected my dog with skeleton dna

they need to invent sex for people scared of being naked

They start like ring-around-the-rosy, where you join hands. Then they take meand hold meup in the air and turn mearound. They're making mea pointy thing again. I'm frightened. They're saying things to each other that I don't understand. They do it over and over again, and all of a sudden, when they're finished, they just throw me on the ground. I hurt when I hit the ground.

This site is one of The Apocalypse's & Eviland's many web worlds. We want to bring you an EVIL experience. And create you an atmosphere. To do so.The Devilman has made a lot of stuff and put it all here. We have Many Evil things for you. And they're all free. Mouse cursors, Icons, Sounds, Wallpaper, Evilopedia, SEXY EVIL BABES to view and meet, HANDSOME EVILDUDES.you can even send your picture to Evil Babes(R) or Evil Dudes(R) Chat with them in The Evil Chat Rooms, Visit the SATAN'S PAGES the largest ARCHIVE on SATAN in the world, HELL, SELL YOUR SOUL, VISIT THE SATANIC CHURCH, HALLOWEEN Land, Learn how to use your MAGIC POWERS some call ESP, walk in The dark and errie GRAVE YARD, NIGHTMARE LAND with 3D interactive nightmares, Visit hell in 3D, Check out The Evil Art of The Devilman, See reall live Nightmares, Download tons of FREE mp3 files of Evil Trance / Techno / Death Metal / Punk / ,Free EVIL stuff mouse cursors, icons, wallpaper, themes, screen savers, and sound files, Trick or treat at Halloween Land, and so much more...it was made to display The Devilman Stokes's Evil art work but it started getting a life of its own. started thinking for it self (Read or liston Eviland's Story) So come in side and see The Devilmans world a place where you can open your minds eye and truly see for the first time in your life. Each world is in it's own sub world and Eviland is just one of those worlds. there is a lot to be seen here. OVER 333,000 pages to be seen here. Full Link list here. The Name says it all.

This will be one of the hardest books you have ever tried to read. SATAN DOES NOT WANT YOU TO READ THIS MATERIAL!

Though we can be sure Tolkien never intended for his male characters to mack and become pregnant, our intent is not to make the late author perform various feats of acrobatics in his grave.

throwing several swollen lithium batteries into a steaming cauldron & cackling

Top Ten Things NOT to look for in a college: 99% of all applicants are accepted. The only sports are intramural bowling, and dwarf-tossing. The dorms were built over a graveyard. Contests where they give away a P.H.D. for 753 Fruit Loops's box tops. Bars on the windows and doors. Their 'big' class is Ancient Hungarian Cabinet Making. Clown Vomit.

transsexual satanists anyone into it let me know

Try not to cum in my labyrinth of terror

try some of this deathweed. i hear it’s supposed to make you into a real skeleton

I lost my virginity in a graveyard at 2am dude necrophilia is SICK'

Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

Vampire A: Im murdered. My idiot ass has put to be last bullet.
Vampire B: In Death we can truely live. Good bye

*vampires talking over some drinks* oh can i try a sip of your guy

<@Vegetarian> i cant wait till i die, im either gonna have "BRB" or "AFK" on my tombstone..

I've always wanted to be on the receiving end of necrophilia. Even in death I'd be getting some I want a shovel attached to my tombstone with the inscription "For a good time, dig"

watching twilight and I keep making myself laugh imagining if it was just alucard or any other vampire instead of Edward. POV nausferatu goes to ur school

WELCOME TO THE DARK REALM! HERE'S A PLACE WHERE YOU WILL FIND ALL THAT HAUNTS AND TERRORFIES MAN. THE PLACE WHERE THE UNHOLY COMES TO PLAY. WITHIN THESE PAGES YOU WILL FIND IT ALL(MONTERS OF UNSPEAKABLE EVIL, WITCHCRAFT, AND THE UNHOLY. THIS PAGE WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. SO COME JOIN ME AND LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE MISTS OF DARKNESS WERE EVIL DWELLS ON SOULS OF THE LIVING. CHECK OUT MY WITCHCRAFT PAGE WERE YOU WILL FIND OUT WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT AND THE SPELLS ARE MY DELIGHT. MY LINKS WILL TAKE YOU TO THE UNHOLIST SITES ON THE WEB. IF YOU DON'T WISH TO SEE THE UNSPEAKABLE EVIL AND CRAFT OF THE OLD GODS TURN BACK NOW. REMEMBER EVIL LIVES WERE EVIL DWELLS.

Werwolves, zombies, vampires and other wer animals do exist. I have seen many of them. This is a very closely guarded secret by Satan. No one controls these beings except Satan or his high-ranking demons. He uses them mostly for discipline. I will never forget one incident during a meeting when Satan sent a werwolf after a man. The man

what garbages and lies there was no satanic web

when i was a kid my Getting To Sleep technique was visualizing a child-sized shriveled up mummy with big piercing eyes that would stand silhouetted in the doorway & stare at me & probably attack if i so much as opened my eyes after getting into bed & this technique caused me to develop a lifelong nighttime-induced paranoia & it still takes me 2 hours to fall asleep. so i wouldnt recommend that

when u watch a scary movie is it OK to imagine you are the girl getting chased ?

where cna i get a skeleton who will sit in my fridge all day and hand me the item i want whenever i open it

whoever put "give skeleton huge titty" in the suggestion box: first off, this isnt a suggestion box. its a toys for tots bin. secondly;

Why waste good cum on a pumpkin, when you can come to land between the lakes tn/ky, drive/cruise/walk slowly down the trace road and get all the tricks n' treats you are wanting?!? Happy Halloweenie.

why would anyone want to put hell on wheels. what kind of satan would allow this

*working on first draft of frankenstein* And there he was, frankengsteining about,

do what horny college idiot men do every night, hump park benches! last time i humped a park bench i was late into my teens it was a quiet, peaceful night in hyde park the bums had all been incinerated in an unfortunate event with the department of water and power i stepped up to a cute little wood number, couldn't have been older than 17 i rubbed her thighs...er...handles, and she cooed in the moonlight fearing splinters, i gently waxed her humps, making sure to remove any hint of sharpness slowly, gently, i removed my pants... um you guys know the rest Keep going I'm not done yet

so my gf and me were doin it vampire style right vampire style? what? wtf is vampire style? WHAT THE FUCK? shut up and let me tell you the story no, you tell us what the FUCKING HELL 'vampire style' is ... look, its not important geez pervert * CommanderBob has left #uncyclopedia i have to say im with bob on this one * b00z has left #uncyclopedia yeah i don't really want to be around to hear this * rhodes has left #uncyclopedia guess its just u and me then PoP no, you stay the fuck away from me, you fucking pervert * princessofpie has left #uncyclopedia

war soon Maybe tomorrow We've pulled out ambassadors http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/Northeast/03/04/ iraq.usa.shirt.reut/index.html : stupid americans :| canada > all my giant american pee pee would rip your canadian-wang-trained females apart! :o I'm american, therefore my wang is gigantic. at least, that's what the media tells me not to mention, I'm TEXAN, so it must be doubly huge I assume it's true, too. because every woman I've shown it to has giggled in terror! IN TERROR

yes i got smacked by ball lightning in the bathtub and now im connected to ghosts. yes i have Tantric sex with astral women rogan: Holy shit

YES, I KNOW IT'S OCTOBER, AND I SHOULD BE POSTING PICS OF GHOSTS AND PUMPKINS AND WITCHES AND ALL THAT GOOD SHIT, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO. THIS SITE IS FOR FANS OF REAL HORROR. SO THE ABOVE ''HAPPY HALLOWEEN'' LOGO IS ALL YOUR'E GETTING. YOU DON'T LIKE IT, LEAVE.

"You are a pitiful sight, mortal. Had you not hacked your way onto one of my UNIX systems I might never have known of you," said Satan, "but the things that you have done to my Purgatory are great indeed."

You are right about the LIBERALS. They don’t know anything and they love terrorists. I bet they love at least 3 different terrorists. The one thing that has me most worried is that with all this talk about the liberals and the terrorists, are we forgetting about the raccoons. When I was five a raccoon took my eye. I do not know where he took it. My eye was like my country, I loved my eye, although at the time I never though about how I loved it until once it was gone. Let that be a lesson to the liberals! Is that want you liberals want, to have a patch instead of a country? And what about the way the raccoons keep coming on the porch at night and how you tried to leave out a the rest of that terrible oatmeal thing your roommate made for the raccoons to eat, but they didn’t eat it and your roommate saw it in the morning and yelled art you and called you a “moron”. I hate raccoons. They have 40 razor sharp teeth. At least liberals only have three or four. Did you ever notice that liberals always wear blue pants? I think that we REAL AMERICANS should all wear green pants so that we can tell ourselves apart from the liberals. That way we will know each other in bars and we won’t have to guess or play the “pronoun game”. I tired to name the raccoons different names to make them seem less scary. I named one Jeff and I named one Lil’ Phil and I named one Hark and I named one Soap Dish, but then it turned out that there were not four raccoons, but just one. My vision is poor. My roommate’s name is Jeff. I have a tiny hat. I hate liberals and wish they had common sense like those of us smart non-liberals. God bless America.

you are weak of mind and horny of spirit

"You can't go anywhere — see, I have stopped your car and there's nothing you can do about it. Now I'm going to enjoy ripping your throat out and drinking your blood. You have been interfering with Satan too long; I am going to punish you. You cannot stand against my power."

You're never too old to get frightened by an edible

you’re fooling yourselves if you think halloween is over just because halloween is over

it's like a massive 300 story zombie john maynard keynes is wandering through california, tearing down buildings and breathing fire.

Pagan pacman goes WICCA WICCA WICCA WICCA HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW hmmm. more ammo for ultra conservative christians to use against video gomes... "Pacman promotes satanism" Pacman promotes consumption of undead.

Ziggy: Everytime I hear a strange noise, I have a zombie panic attack. Lusty: what is it with you and zombies?! Ziggy: Are you not afraid of zombies? Lusty: they don't exist. Ziggy: That's what they think in movies too. Ziggy: Right before the invasion.

Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner

nothing wrong with a little punanny in yer fuckin mouth suck that clit like a fuckin tequila worm

i'm holding out til the next election if it goes against us, i'll seriously begin looking for my cultural fire exits "There are exts at the front and the rear of american democracy. Please take this opportunity to familiarize yourself with the nearest exit. In the event of a theocratic american hegemony, lights will appear on either end of the aisle, marking the way to your exit for you." in the unlikely event of the repeal of Ammendments 1-5, your seat cushion may be used to purchase carriage across one of our more porous borders should there be a depressurization of america's historical tolerance for diversity, bibles will drop from the overhead compartment. please read your own copy before assisting small children please do not read pirated versions of the bible, as this may give aid and comfort to terrorist organizations zow: marry me immediately we thank you for flying Knee Jerk Republican Contract with America, and hope you'll enjoy your stay in 2003. Or wherever your final destination may be.

From nightfall to dawn on this one night a year the veil separating the realms shall be lifted and the dead will once again walk among the living. We must disguise ourselves as one of them so as not to be taken across. God help us all.

9/11 (quotes)

9/11 could never happen today because the twin towers arent there anymore for some reason

boy so strong he makes 9/11 look like the magnificent seven

Build a bear should make a 9/11 themed bear for 9/11

Didn't you retweet incest porn on 9/11?

from a girl with huge 9/11's

got me and my wifes anniverseary mixed up with 9/11 again. in my defense the numbers are kind o f close together. "Im sorry Toots"

hey guys it's 9/11 and well that's all I have to say

i got aborted at 2 years old, parents kicked me out at 5, expelled in middle school, died in 9/11, got pregnant at 16, sold my baby for a happy meal, car accident at 23, but here i am today with my high school diploma

I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is an alien from outer space. He lives despite all attempts, he lives on little and on rugged terrain and seems to be outsmarting the lot of us. We can never find him or talk to him. Lets get the satellites ready :sj

Imagine if al-Qaeda had done that stunt with the planes two months earlier and the 7-eleven PR team woke up to the worst day of their lives

ironic. even in the 'land of the free' your not allowed to fly a plane into a couple of towers. really makes you think

maybe there never were any twin towers. like did u ever see them?

my body is not a temple it's a World Trade Center and every day is 9/11

one time this bar had a burger called the "911 burger" because it was spicy or something and my dad ordered it and called it the 9/11 burger

sex was definitely better pre 9/11 whenever they added all that tsa bullshit they ruined sex too i know this

This is how Americans reacted to 9/11 imagine if macro furries were real

this may very well be the much needed "Win" for America that economists have speculated upon since 9/11

towers so nice they hit them twice

we dont even get 9/11 off of work. like i guess you were never THAT sad about it

4th of July (quotes)

ever y time i see like 200 fireworks going off I imagine that theyre being shot at an aliens ufo just rocking the shit out of his stupid ass

i don't think terrorists would be stupid enough to do anything on independence day anyway not after the aliens did it

I hope you never kill anyone and I hope I never kill anyone. I hope you don't get killed and I hope I don't get killed. Liberty is worth killing and dying for. The founding fathers knew this, we should too. Let's keep our nation free for our children and grand children just as it was for us and let's work together to make the world a better place for all men. Remember to READ, stay in shape and be careful.

now people are being Edge Lord at me. And why is that? Because I had the nerve to think the american flag is nice

the coolest thing the police ever did was invent their own flag thats just a desecrated version of the american flag

the pagan origins of the fourth of july

The U.S. Air Force was chosen as Uncle Sam's public relations agent because they were listed in the phone book.

"This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit

Uncle Sam Did Not Die On The Beaches Of Water For You An Entitled Brat To Be Afraid To Astral Project And Make Your Foot Big In Dreams And Smash Door To The Shadow People Base-Star Complex Pyramid. Rogald Ragan Did Not Get Torn Up By Two Wild Animals In The Deep Jungle For Your To Get Scared About A Sky Temple Ziggurat-Ship Armed With Type Sixteen Karmic Blaster Cannons.Mr White House Did Not Die And Let His Bones Get Used To Build The Biggest Home In The World For You A Big Wimp To Get Scared About Human-Zetan Hybrid Super Soldiers Armed With Thoughtblades.

Thanksgiving (quotes)

Human Soul (black friday special)

Big Bopper (quotes)

Fools with a Time Machine: [kills baby Hitler] Me and you with a Time Machine: NOOOO BIG BOPPER! DONT GET ON THAT AIRPLANE

'I’m thinking about the big bopper’s feet' 'You’re thinking about the big boppers feet?' 'YEA'

The Big Bopper's been dead for half a century, where the fuck is the porn of him?!

Vore (8/8) (quotes)

Anton is a Chaos sorcerer of human stock. Some say he has slightly elven features, but if an elven ancestry is present it is probably several generations away. None the less he is an alchemist of some repute, has mastered the Great Work and made many variations on the philosophers stone. The powers he has obtained have given him eternal youth, the ability to heal, the ability to shapeshift, shrink and grow in size, he may also shrink and grow others if he chooses. He can also reform his body after death. He may also travel invisible, or even in ethereal form. Sexually he is a Chaosexual (in other words he enjoys sexual pleasures with men, women, hermaphrodite, asexuals, himself, machines and just about anythingHis styles of vore as a predator vary, his main powers are...a) Shrinking his victim and swallowing them whole. b) Growing into a giant form and swallowing whole. c) Summoning a Chaos demon to do the eating for him. d) Changing into wolf form, where he may swallow whole, or possibly bite a little first. e) Changing into a serpent and swallowing whole.

"I make too much vore" "I make a good amount of vore" NO YOU DONT!!!!NO ONE IS MAKING NEARLY ENOUGH VORE!!!!THERE IS, HAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE MORE ROOM FOR VORE IN OUR INFINITELY EXPANDING, STOMACH-SHAPED MICROVERSE WE CALL THE INTERNET!!!!

me, as i force a dollar bill into the self-checkout machine: thats right.....good boy......vore president washington

You are a student at the premier voraphile school, Vore High. Be prepared to meet yummy meals in the hall (and gulp them down without punishment ;) ), or be eaten yourself. Sex is allowed, and classes take up less time than just wandering around. Willing or un, any entrance, any gender is allowed. A few restrictions do apply: 1. No blood, besides the occasional tooth scratch. 2. No racial slurs or anything too offensive. 3. Keep the furries to a minimum, if you use them at all.

420 (quotes)

-2 grams of weed in this bad boy. you smoke this and you get less high

20th century horror novel called the smoking of the weed

420 jerk off grants you the Stoner's Boner buff btw

a beautiful nugget of weed. even if you dont like flower you can appreciate it

a weed strain called It Will All Be Okay

ah, out of weed . i guess the only thing left to smoke is... myself..

ahh man i hate the ruinous part of the joint

Alcohol is an evil evil chemical that corrupts the body and soul and can only be opposed by the purifying light of a weed gummy

all us guys in life know one thing its all about thoes ass and titties. i love to say it cuz i wont lie we love women an every fuckin inch of them but there is one thing tha stands above all else a great pair of legs leding up to that bangin ass o hell yeah. PEACE AN BLUNTS AN PUSSY TO YALL. JOE POT SMOKER

and also a pigeon just tried to smoke my joint

BILL CLINTON = Buddy, I Love Lighting Cannabis Leaves. Immolating Nugs Together, One Nation

Blowing a dandelion is basically you helping a weed ejaculate.

Bong Operations Engineer

*bong rip sound* you couldn’t cast my secret spells anyways, peon

C'mon, man, this wizard party is righteous. I just saw some guy clap his hands together and say “interdimensional beer pong” or whatever, and everyone around him started doing a keg stand. The crowd didn't even cheer for him, that's how epic this party is. My ass is casting glowstick and level 2 weed gummy. I think I just heard “power word: rave” two groups over. You gotta come over here.

C.A.R.L. S.A.G.A.N. = cannabis and reefer let scientists assign god another name

Can you imagine how powerful Bruce Lee would be if he had smoked K2 Spice, the legal, synthetic marijuana that makes its user invincible?

'CANNABIS VICTORY GARDENS' HELP FIGHT TERRORISM

channeling this 4/20 to summon the fattest bong cloud imaginable

COMMERCIAL AVIATION ACCIDENTS: this pilot had to fly 4 round trips a day with a beat up plane and forgot to press one button. 4 minor injuries zero deaths. RESULTS: Pilot gets fired and 3 FAA service bulletins are issued to ensure all buttons scream at you to push them. GENERAL AVIATION ACCIDENTS: “Doctor” Jimmy Fuckwit [chiropractor] decided to take his 1947 Beechcraft Bonanza he bought off Craigslist for a spin at midnight after having 3 vodka tonics, 6 lines of coke, some quaaludes and a blunt. Flips himself upside down and crashes into an orphanage killing himself and 17 babies. RESULT: the widowed Mrs. Fuckwit promises us her husband won’t do it again.

cool college guy recipe: hot dog on pizza. what you will need: hotdog, pizza, oven. ingredients: 1hotdog, preheat oven, hotdog on pizza, pizza in oven, microwave timer set to 20 minutes, smoke a bowl and toss the pigskin cuz thats what cool college guys do t hese days they are jock/stoner hybrids, 6 ding fries are done hot dog pizza

costco should sell weed i want to smoke kirkland signature strain

cumming into a joint before you roll it up is like adding sour cream to a delectable soft-shelled taco

dab pens r evil and they need to be destroyed. return to your roots. smoke a joint like a man.

damn that sounds really scary. ive never heard of that ever happening to anyone else who did weed. you probably broke your brain and it's gonna be stuck like that forever.

Deep stuff herein: Weed Farting while on weed is the best thing ever. So crisp and agreeable, the Sulphur dioxide just melts from your butt crack with a hearty "pleased to meet you" tone. If sounds were colours this one would definately be brown, a deep brown like the sleeve of every creed album ever made and the carpet in my old house.

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY I ACCEPT VISA, MASTERCARD, AND WEED.

DON'T YOU LOVE IT WHEN YOU TAKE A FAT ASS HIT AND YOU CHOKE SO HARD YOUR HEART FELLS LIKE IT STOPS?? BUT ONE THING, YOU STILL HIT THAT MOTHAFUCCIN BLUNT!! No doubt of course, those are the hits that make you sit down and collect your thoughts for a minute. You choking on that smoke so hard your brain can't function right, and just when you catch your breath you take another hit to settle down That's the hit that goes straight to the dome HELL FUCCIN YEAH! THEM HITS STRAIGHT TO THE DOME ARE THE SHIT! My fuccin hooka will send the smoke to the dome with no problem!

Donovan's "psychic warriors" conducted many extensive and expensive trials before deciding that the best method of administering tetrahydrocannibinol, the active ingredient in marijuana, was via the cigarette. Any jazz musician could have told them as much.

dragon will eat your weed watch outspoonwizardd

It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying to God made a mistake. You know what I mean, it's like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation: "There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can rest." [Mimes God looking around - spotting pot] "Oh my me." "I left fucking pot everywhere." "I should never have smoked that joint on the third day ..shit." "That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still gives me a chuckle." "If I leave pot everywhere that's gonna to give humans the impression they're supposed to... 'use' it." "(sigh)Now I have to create Republicans."

feminism is about blunts and weed. its about smoking marijuana, and as much of it as you can get your hands on

getting the daily presidential briefing and its just shit like "we banned Weed because it makes people too smart" and "Mozart smoked weed"

girls so afraid of my franken joint

Girls, the butt, weed.... (this is kinda dirty, so...)

Gonna become the opposite of California sober no alcohol or weed ever only hard drugs

got my weed and made pasta #suicideprevention

Gravity bong legit got me scared as fuck

hard to get a narrative about weed

[k], have you ever been so stoned that if you were jerking off while eating a kitkat then all of a sudden you feel a salty taste in your mouth and because your so high at this point you cant tell whether the kitkat chocolate bar was expired or if that if you creamed into your mouth without noticing?

Have you ever considered that just maybe you don't actually get high from smoking weed I'm just always there secretly shooting you with my special drugged up darts every time you smoke it

Have you yelled at a stoned guy on a pink recumbent bike?

He shot Arnelia, slit her throat and caught the blood in a pot for blood stew! YUCH! They gutted it, torched off the hoofs, dipped it in boiling oil and scraped off the hair. They offered us the organs, lungs and all, and we declined. They were very happy for the donation.That was the first and last slaughter we attended. Of course I took pictures.

he smoked the marijuana and it made him insane

"He was always high and wearing t-shirts about weed" - cool dude's gravestone

hey man your bong bit me. i’m uh, bleeding pretty bad

hey since it’s your first time using weed i figured i’d let you in on a few pointers to make sure you have a safe, fun experience. basically you do as much as possible and imagine the roof getting blown off your house by a storm and giant pterodactyls swooping down to eat you badly ok?

hey. hey. hey! hey!!?!???!!! *knocks over your lamp* *smokes all of your weed* *dehydrates all of your food*

Hi I'm The Weed Smoker Hope Uoure Having A Blazin Day And Blazin Night. Stay Blazed - Weed Smoker

High with penjamin franklin and he keeps saying weed the people

*hits blunt* if money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in church

hits the bong again and looks directly at the camera knowingly

hits the bong and immediately becomes aware of the narrative

hotboxing my wizard tower with the strongest magic weed on the market. that eldritch bud. that dankest of dank. primordial terpenes, galaxy-shaking high. what bringeth you to the sesh, mortal?jetstream-torgodsurreptitiously making copies of your secret spells while you’re blasted out of this plane

how are there people that can even remotely function on weed. im straight up moaning like a beast drinking milk

How to Make a Toke-Stone. Materials: 1 rounded stone (thick enough for a big enough hole), a drill, and a shitload of patience. Basically, your stone should be thick enough for a large hole on one side, and a small hole on the other. The hole should be small enough to accomidate an average size joint. Drill a small hole in one end of the stone, and for the other end make the hole less then twice the size of the first hole. The big hole is used for inhilation purposes. This little helper was originally developed in Mexico. Friends of mine have used oak, teak, and I even saw one made out of clay. The possibilities are endless!!!!!

i can’t stop smoking weed bc then i would have to give up my doom metal addiction :/

I don't have a permanent residence; the cops keep busting up my joint.

I get that question too much. Maybe I was born perpetually high . Natural born weed warrior

i hand you the blunt. your anger is washed away. gift of peace.

i have created more jobs, than every Weed Smoker on the planet-- combined .

I hooked a fly up to my machine and blew weed smoke at it until it died

I like how bong can mean both penis and that big vertical disk that makes a lot of noise.

i like weed because it makes me a little dumb and it’s nice to have a break from all the otherworldly knowledge i possess

I need a bong hit transplant

i read that weed in the 60s was like 1.6 percent thc and im laughing my ass off now

i understand stoners of the 60s and 70s deeply because if i didnt have computer and internet and all i had to entertain myself was prog rock and pulpy sci fi fantasy novels i would be smoking hella and imagining kingdoms of gnomes and alien prophesies all day too and lord knows i would have been impressed by air brush paintings

I understand that there is a mayor in California who [...] has gone as far as encouraging citizens to smoke marijuana while driving by posting traffic signs reading "no left turn unstoned".

i vant to smoke your blunt. sure

I was born in the right generation I love smoking weed and meowing

I'm out of weed so I have to smoke thw one that makea me scared

I'm The Dracula of Weed..

im 11 and i eat weed every day fuck you

im 90% sure that Weed is a real druvg and not just some shit my friends on here make jokes about

im amaranthos lord of wraiths im 4739 years old and i love to smoke weed from my ghoulish bong carved in the shape of a flayed human head, and im very excited to be your new union rep

Im begging you go to the old folks homes and get them on weed daily. Get them smoking &youll see cases of dementia drop to basically nothing

im smoking the fattes blunt rn waching this i feall bad

in hell you are forced to smoke weed

Incredible... this aura!! I'm getting high as fuck off the marijuana created with his nen abilities... even though just a second ago all we had was ashes!!

Is a man not entitled to the smoke of his own bong?

Is This YOUR Marijuana!?!?!?!?!?!?

It is impossible to have theological faith in anything that can be demonstrated. It is the office of faith to believe, not only without evidence, but in spite of evidence. It is impossible for the carnal mind to believe that Samson's muscle depended upon the length of his hair. [...] Neither can they believe that a barrel would in and of itself produce meal, or that an earthen pot could create oil. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882

its called hemp and its a material us stoners use to transform our lives

just smoked a stickbug like a joint

let's smoking one cannabis mary jane yes.

marijuanification of the human libido leading to complete derangement, a "stoned" sex drive, until out of that derangement manifests a literal sexual demon, a monstrum incarnate, a narcotic parody of sex.

maybe the weed addicted 2 me

Me: shit who smoked all the weed? my therapist, hannabis lector: whoa dude idk that’s crazy

microwave timer set to 20 minutes, smoke a bowl and toss the pigskin cuz thats what cool college guys do t hese days they are jock/stoner hybrids

most people don't think that french fries are a suitable pizza topping. marijuana will change that.

My three weed-smoking deathknights—and yes, they've sworn to destroy all things, and smoke weed

my tummy has been described as “a melting pot culture”

i was going through my parents dresser and found a sock full of weed and took some oh shit my mom is behind me *** netw3rkd has Quit (Connection reset by peer)

never forget when saruman literally told gandalf “you've been smoking too much weed bro”

Next stimulus needs to be $20k, a pound of weed and a large sword

nice 420 joke the police are on their way

Not to interrupt D9's ranting on the stupidity of 70% of humanity or anything, but everybody should smoke a bowl in those astronaut's honor. I am. to the potheads. "United we're stoned, divided we're busted" -Stonernet.org Poodleanus. good idea LooooooLA00O0o0))o

Occult themed blow job.For weed.

Oh and I sat on a fold up chair next to my dresser ( no I don't have a big office or a crypt.) and I had to sit side ways. So my back is really hurt because of it. I have a better chair now but. MY BACK ouch Oh my real art work is not up yet I don't have a scanner. So I will be putting them up As soon as I can there's over 2000 works of EVIL art for the world to see. I have been waited for this day all my life. NOW I HAVE THE INTERNET AND ACCESS TO BILLIONS OF PEOPLE. WOW may be I will get lucky and some one Will want to display my art at a ART GALLERY. A real gallery. WHEN ALL MY HARD WORK EVER PAY OFF. OR AM I JUST OUT OF MY Damn MIND. I got to give props to my boy Chris Powell. We used to dress up a ninjas. and steal shit. We used to steal lawn mores. and sell them to the weed dealers. Behind ICE CREAM CITY..I remember when I went to the flea market and 7 Vicelords garbed me and beat me up, afterwards I went Chris Powers House and told him what happened. He called all of the FOLKS and even got Prince Paul to join us. We went back and Killed all of them. I went to the fruit stand and on the way home some ass pulled a gun and wanted all of my food stamps. and the milk too. he told me to run and fired the gun at me. But he missed me. I took 10 pink flamingos from a yard for my mom.. in the summer of 85 And the movies I really like are the Matrix (seen it 30 times DAD) GOODFELLAS all time fav (seen it over 200 times) Casino (seen it over 100 times) Yes I am a THUG, or a NINJA.(ICP) no one every says any thing to me ever except that I am crazy. Well all of the Great minds were all looked upon as crazy so I guess its a honor.

Oh fuck dude, you smoked that weed? That's the forever weed. The weed that makes you high forever. Hope you're having a good time because it's permanent. Also I hope it's okay, but I just invited 100 people over, and if they find out you're high you're FUCKED.

Oh good my weed brownie is kicking in, I won't have to think about how shitty work was today yaaay yaaaaay yaaaay yaaaay.

On one occasion, we did create a bong out of an empty tennis ball cannister, a steel pen, and duct tape. We thought we were pretty brilliant and congratulated ourselves for about 2 or 3 days.

once again its up to me to take the high road. while everyones making jokes of the fat weed smoker mayor ill be whipping myself in his honor

once whan i was high on crack and pot, i thought i hanged out with a buddy all day in the woods, but it turned out i was locked up in a police car the whole day.

[out of character] listen here, fuckface. spongebob's house was on fire in the percrastinate episode and they made a fire in that episode where patrick popped the baloon. don't fucking come to my roleplay blog and tell me that spongebob couldn't smoke weed underwater

for once i wasn't thinking about sex lookit that, i guess being stoned does not necessarily make me horny! *gasp* and i bet your not stoned. yes i am! WHAT! why else would i be eating pussy with my finger? oops! noice! i meant puddding

people die from weed overdose all the time

people keep asking about this so i'm gonna clear the air: the bong is ceramic. it's not a real head, it's just shaped like one. the teeth in it are real though. each and every one prised most tormentously from the boastful mouths of the fools who thought to challenge my claim to the throne of shadows. their anguished blood yet soaks the corners of my oubliette, never to dry. the branch manager wants to meet with me on thursday, says he wants to hear our demands. i've seen this kind of play before and i think he's gonna try and bring me over to his side. well let me tell you he can damn well offer me a fleet of luxury cars if he wants to - i'm a union man through and through, and i will defend our interests. and i already command a fleet of draconic chariots anyway

1876: At the Centennial Exposition in Philadelphia, America's first 100-year birthday bash, fair goers visit the Turkish Hashish Exposition and toke up in order to enhance their fair experience. <`WarpKat> it's nice to know that my parents weren't the only stoners from the past

police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal

purp people purp people-Stoner Philospher, Weed N. Wisdom

race horses are named in an identical manner to weed strains

god, my head is killing me, must be the maths classes you should drink up an aspirine with some vodka and smoke some weed that'll definetly take care of it ;) dude I'm still at school where the fuck would I get any aspirine ? :o)

FUCKING PISSED OFF BREATHE in through your nose, slowly exhale through your mouth BREATHE BREATHE IN THROUGH MY BONG OUT THROUGH MY MOUTH

rats smoked all your weed I watched it happen, encouraged them, and also partook

rb this to pass a joint to our fallen heroes (food service workers that worked through 420)

RE: Confiscated Marijuana overvalued

REMEMEBER IF HARD WATER IS CAUSING CALCIUM BUILDUP IN YOUR BONG, JUST LET SOME WHITE VINEGAR SIT IN THAT THING FOR A FEW MINUTES AND SHE'LL BE LOOKIN BRAND NEW. JUST DONT SMOKE WEED WOTH THE VINEGAR INSIDE PLEASE

reviews for weed strains are either like “this got me and the boys so spoinked we couldn’t piss straight” or “afghan war vet here. 32 tours. chronic pain and sixteen mental illnesses. this strain is good, almost makes me stop hearing the bullets. great for when I wake up screaming and crying”

*rips bong for good luck*

''Same thing with drugs. What, somebody is going to smoke some marijuana at home, listen to music, then go out and shoot everybody he sees? No, he's going to fall asleep and get up the next morning with less of a hangover than if he drank three boilermakers.'' ''Hey, but what do I know? I only go out there and arrest them, fill out the paperwork and go to court. ''It's not like I'm some expert in Washington and get on C-Span.'' -- an anonymous Chicago cop, quoted by Mike Royko, "Ask a Cop", 1994

See this gummy I'm holding? It's LEGAL cannabis. 100mg. Psychoactive. And you can buy it over the counter. No medical card. My I-team report Monday 5pm.

Seeking Medical Marijuana Patients

*showing off a weed strain* Yeah it hurts you. Yeah, it damages you like really bad.

they should make a smokeable klonopin

“sir my puppy is lost” little boy I smoked your puppy in a joint. Because it’s really small

Slip the bong a little tongue every once in a while to let her know you care

smoke weed and draw softcore pornography

smoked a joint the sorcerer gave me and experienced life as a 1989 toyota tercel from assembly and production until i was left derelict in a junkyard in baker california oxidizing and rusting for 10,000 years. my favorite part was five hundred years in when a family of armadillos moved in for a few weeks

Smoked weed and became surreptitious

smoking a joint covered in dry sift hashish and kief, glued to the paper with rosin. im wearing a lobster bib, the melting rosin dripping on the lobster creating a teardrop under the frowning cartoon lobsters eyes

Smoking dead grandma weed

smoking off and jerking weed thats the stuff i lovely need !

smoking that shit that had the rosetta stoned

smoking the prehistoric weed that was frozen in ice for one million years

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

so hard to explain your personal inside jokes but. okay so every time i roll a joint i’m like hmm how much is left in the tray.. about a joints worth..and then i get caught up thinking about a weed butler named jointsworth

Sorry if I harsh your buzz, but: Marijuana is a placebo. There is no such thing as being high. THC has no effect on the human body.

starting a band called Smoked Too Much Weed and our top songs are called You're Going To Die, There's No Hope For You, and You're Fucked

stoner dracula be like I vant to smoke your bud

Stoners be like “I know a spot” & take you here

stoners from the 70s had it rough man no ps2 game longplays to watch and you could get shot one billion times for using it

Taking the pineapple express. Stoners know...

oops I did it again... I klined your bot... and then smoked some pot.. oh baby baby..

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

america is the melting pot, canada is the lukewarm mug

that's dong and gong. bong means neither of those things

the bong of truth reveals all lies

The Coffee Manifesto What's Coffee? Its a popular, brown liquid stimulant. I have set up a coffee pot in my cubicle for people who enjoy coffee, and want more quality and variety than the corporate-sponsored coffee service provides. Coffee is not in the public domain. Everyone will be permitted to make and drink coffee, but no one will be allowed to restrict its further redistribution. That is to say, proprietary coffee will not be allowed. I want to make sure that all coffee brewed remains free. Consider a space station where air must be manufactured at great cost: charging each breather per liter of air may be fair, but wearing the metered gas mask all day and all night is intolerable even if everyone can afford to pay the air bill. And the TV cameras everywhere to see if you ever take the mask off are outrageous. It's better to support the air plant with a head tax and chuck the masks. Drinking coffee is as natural as breathing, and as productive. It ought to be as free.

the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying

The narrator tells television viewers they are watching the brain waves of a normal 14-year-old. As he speaks, squiggly lines with high peaks show an obviously active brain. The picture changes: The lines flatten. These, the narrator says, are the brain waves of a 14-year-old on marijuana. The problem with this national television advertisement is that the flatter "brain waves" are not those of a teenager on dope; they are not brain waves at all. The electroencephalograph was not hooked up to anyone. -- The Hartford Courant, on a national anti-drug ad campaign

The Top 10 Things to Do When You Are Stoned and Have No Place to Go Secretly hit record on a tape recorder while you and your friends are getting stoned. After recording for a few minutes, play it back -- I promise you will trip, and laugh mucho hard. Look at yourself in the mirror. After a few seconds you will trip out on the 'dude' you are looking at. I swear to god it's like an out of body experience! But don't do it too long or it will get too intense! Start randomly calling people and carry on a conversation with them. If after a few minutes they don't say something like 'are you on drugs or someting??' then you need to go back and smoke some more, 'cause your not stoned enough! Stand up, look at someone straight in the eye, and after a couple of seconds go "whoop, whoop" real loud. This may sound silly when your straight, but it is always a crowd pleaser -- barrells of laughs!! EAT!! Two of the best munchie foods: Pizza and Chocolate cake (w/ lots of milk!!) BUT here are some foods to avoid: Popcorn (hell on cotton mouth) Tortilla chips (especially w/ hot salsa 'cause it seems REEAALL hot.) etc, (anything dry....)

they call it the practice weed. one hit and youre prepared for the real thing

The other night my friend had some pot and wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it because both our parents were home. So we drove around looking for a place to park so we could smoke in the car. We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot.. The logic is all there... I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just desperate and that was the first place to pull off.. So we park in the back of the parking lot under this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty and just parked there. Or that he won't notice. The cop circles the parking lot once, then parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're busted. So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns bright red. I roll my window down and the cop says in this really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off. He didn't even notice the smell of pot. We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking silence ever.

this and a blunt

This is a picture of my friend Becky. She used to be a happy, popular girl until one night she snorted marijuana at a party. She died instantly. Please, don't do marijuana. It's the most dangerous drug out there. Please don't wind up like Becky.

THIS IS FREEDOM FROM DEBT - CUT YOUR MORTGAGE IN HALF WITH OUR AMAZING REMOTE-CONTROL PASTA POT.

This town and bong water, perfect together

TONIGHT… WE’RE DRINKING FROM THE BONG

Christians have Jerusalem muslims have mecca stoners have amsterdam

trust me this plan will be better because im gonna smoke my smart weed. im smarter when im high..

trying to balance weed tolerance is like the tony hawk pro skater grind meter

Two Stoned Dudes - m4w

uh ohhh you smoked the point and click weed! time for an adventure

unfortunately most of my concerts ive been to were in denver colorado so i got suffocated by fucking weed i had to wash my battle jacket twice to get the smell out dont fucking smoke indoors outdoors if you can get away from it its not a big deal i still loathe the smell of weed but i can at least get away from it outside and i dont reek like it afterwards and i cant believe i have to say this but dont fucking do it in places where its illegal yall are lucky i hate cops or id be the biggest fucking snitch

UPDATE: My CRAZY Pot Head Neighbor Lady

viggourously jerking off the blunt until it spontaneously sparks and lights so i can smoke it

We found your beer bong

we laugh about it now but sometimes the weed really does smell like straight up spiders

weed gummies are such a fake sounding concept like yeah if you eat this piece of candy and wait an hour you'll suddenly become very easily entertained and airheaded and cuddly

Weed is good for you its green like vegetables.

Weed often is for stoners that want to feel strange when they want to get weird

Weed strain called I Want You Forever

weed strain called they hit the pentagon

wtf is this world turning to? <@Phucker> America.

when i smoke weed the marijuana smoke makes me feel different than i usually do. does anyone else experience this?

Why are they naming cocktails like weed strains?

why are you glorifying weed . I just saw your latest reblog why are what is wrong with you . Weed is the first drug to affect

working at a dispensary is funny. guy came in and asked for “weed for guys” and i said “what do you mean” and then he just apologized and left

Celebrate the decrimalisation of Pot <[Piratez]> lets make this national * [Piratez] replaces the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with a weed leaf.

You've Been Passed The Virtual Joint!

Pride (quotes)

A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals.

Baby shoes for sale theylook gay

ok so im wacking off to a video of two lesbians fucking eachother then i hear my mom walking down the hall to this room so i quickly close the video then she walks in and im sitting with my pants down, left hand around the cock, and she looks at me...then looks at the screen...my desktop was open and had three naked gnomes standing by a fireplace...the look on her face as she left the room will stick with me till the day i die.

Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell tab down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5 submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore fetish gay man my mom started crying and now she thinks im gay... it owns

Computer make these guys super gay and horny

78/m/bedridden ball men swgtlm seeks non-human dick slave to swab bedsores and eat poo I only do sbgtlm sorry so you only dig single black gay transgendered lesbian males sorry we didn't match on e harmony no category #22 failed although we got 100% on #23, do you eat dick. too much data, kernel panic libdickslurping.so was not loaded at boot

Do gay males get aroused by the smell of poo poo in public restrooms?

my balls are in such gay positions they are all on one side in a cluster i fuckin hate that when they stick to ur leg ER i just wanna rip them off im talking about pool yo

man unix manuals would be so much cooler if they had porn in them like "Basics of the Bash Shell" i'd read that shit

finally told my parents they’re gay

We have a town called "Gay Head, MA" There's a town in Wisconsin named Spread Eagle There's a town in South Carolina named Sugar Tit I like gay head better I'm sure you do

gay alice in chains voice into the butt agaaaaain same old dick it was baaaaaaaaaaaack theeeyun

Gay Christian Devil Worshipping Club

gay people have access to a secret low res version of spongebob where every scene is him going through it or dead completely naked

gay rats (gay rights in southern accent)

HATER420666: i'm racist to gays

have some lesbian street lamps

have you told your local butch lesbian today how handsome they are?

He really seems to enjoy it. A little too much. I am worried about him. I think he might be gay.

hey make yourself comfortable, want something to drink? we got pussy, gay water, and bleach

Homosexual Chia Pet

How to piss off a cop: Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

i felt worthless felt ugly i felt gay

I learned how to use a revolver yesterday and they are the most lesbian gun imaginable

i should be allowed to kill people based on how they talk about lesbians

I'll be damned if my son ever asks to go hunting. Get back in that room and don't come out until you're fucking gay

I'm gonna level with you, friend: I am eating these croutons gay style.

I'm not gay but $20 CAD is $14.39 USD

I've wanted to see gay kong and Godzilla sex since I was six

if your leftist queer space leaves no room for me, the most mean aggressive annoying anti social person you can imagine so i can constantly make everyone walk on eggshells around me as a sign of some sort of moral superiority, is it really a safe space at all

im not a kid, but im trans age and some of you are chasers

im the homosexual your racist uncle warned u about

In a world of gay penis, butthole, vaginas, semen, men fucking eachother jn the ass, lickinh eachothers buttholes, licking pits, sucking dick, swallowing cum, fisting, kissing while burping, handjob making out, the gayest, most depraved homosexual act a man can commit is ordering a half pepperoni, half cheese pizza

in order to celebrate diversity the new nato phonetic alphabet is advocacy belonging chosen-family defiance empowerment freedom glamour herstory identity joy kin liberation majesty nonconformity opulence persistence queer reclamation solidarity transgender unapologetic visibility werk xtra yaaas and zaddy

insane, drama-loving lesbian seeks co-dependent relationship - SA

in fotr when gandalf first goes to see that other gay wizard what does he first say to him? stfu noob stfu noob he says: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!" we should get the script to LOTR and make it l33t CRC - and then add subtitles to the avi of it, and rename it "L0rd of teh r1ngz0rs!" legolas: chex0r this out! *stabs orc in eye with arrow* LOL! di3 f00l! *shoots another orc with arrow* pwned! <[H]Slacker> divx? orc: CHEATER CHEATER WALLHACK!!1 (when pippin/merry/whichever the fuck knocks the armor down the well) Gandalf: omg, noob!

IT HAS ALL the elements of sexual drama- shattering taboos, a pungent assault on the senses, and plenty of cozy warm wetness. Plus it involves rectum and anus, not just organs of elimination, but- for gay men especially- gateways to pleasure.

jerking off is gay because you're the same gender as yourself

"Just Curious..." I happen to be a card-carrying chilehead, and have been for many years. I am also gay, and I know a lot of people in my social circles who are also chileheads. Is there a general connection between being gay and being a chilehead, or is it just that the people I know are an unusual group, and therefore I shouldn't make generalizations from what they do? To re-phrase, are there a lot of gay people visiting these pages, thus confirming my suspicion that a lot of chileheads are also gay?

kawiz: being gay would be no problem with me twins421: ..why kawiz: its like... digging for water in a different spot in the desert kawiz: sure, it's different... but you're still not gonna get any twins421: ............... twins421: wow twins421: just ..wow kawiz: i know kawiz: i have profound analogies

lesbians should get $

lol: lots of lesbians

Love seeing Christians be like "I can't believe LGBTQ teens are worshipping Satan instead of our nice god who hates them"

me (liberal) on my way to spread my transgender propaganda (literally just exist) and harrass republicans (say hello to my dad)

MortalTerror2: DAMIT WHY DONT YOU LOSERS TALK ABOUT MUSIC NOT NO GAY SHIT

Most successful heavy metal projects one or more of the following basic themes: extreme rebellion, extreme violence, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity/perversion, including homosexuality, bisexuality, sadomasochism, necrophilia, etc.—and Satanism. Dr. oe Stuessy, Professor of usic at the Univer

My brain has been destroyed by gay porno!

no one talks about how hard it is to be a gay person who doesnt care about astrology

So, guys, I have some news. I know I usually don't talk much about stuff unless it's solid, but this is interesting, and I think you should know. I just got an E-mail about an interesting proposition. * volsung_ perks up. Apparently, there are lesbians that want my 'hard cock.' * volsung_ flips Paradox the bird. :) They want it 'now,' apparently, so the timetable is somewhat limited. Are you going to just take their offer as presented, or is there an opportunity for negotiation? I'm not sure. I'm sure your hard cock is in great demand. An exclusive deal might not be in your best interest. Last time I got an offer like this, there were some catches.

People's Gay-public of Drugifornia

puts my uncomfortably wet hand on your shoulder. see here, gay boy- can i call you gay boy?

Red Do8991: dose eney body who is no gay like asid bath

The Oscars are fucking lame. Hollywood giving itself a self-congratulatory blowjob over how artsy and deep and relevant it is When I saw "The Day After Tomorrow" in their montage of movies that addressed serious issues I wanted to throw something at the screen. Because Day After Tomorrow was as much about global warming as Independence Day was about gay rights

since obamas victory he's done nothing but holler about loving big tittys. congress is afraid to impeach him cause ppl will think theyre gay

So I'm going to need at least 6 responses to this ad, otherwise THE HOMOSEXUAL INTERNET CANNIBALS HAVE ALREADY WON!

so just because i ahve a rare and incurable condition where i can only understand human suffering thru the lens of showtunes and cartoons aimed at preteens means my posts about labor disputes aren't insightful? tch [turns on my heel and like five pins fall off my little backpack with nothing inside except the leather journal i'm writing my fantasy novel in] [turns back around immediately] so yeah it's sort of a chaotic found family story and it's like really wholesome but feral AF and there's a lot of queer representation

I prefer "blood-engorged mayonaisse cannon" or "yogurt slinger" ok. Sylffor knows too many colorful synonyms for 'dick'. * Sylffor is a homosexual, remember? you being gay is fine. I draw the line at "blood-engorged mayonaisse cannon".

Male Mantises are killed right after procreating. They die having lived a full and happy life. ok, I'd be a gay mantis no death for me i'd be living it up in Miami Beach going to the gay mantis discos and shit

that's gay as hell dude... [later, in hospital burn ward]: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNEW THERE WAS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL BEING NAMED "HELL DUDE"

The thing is nobody at pride is evaluating you to determine if you're queer enough to be there because they're too busy thinking "it's so hot out" and "why is this lemonade 12 dollars?"

they can't stop you from thinking about gay sex on company time

They say ooooh be a good boy for daddy and you'll get a reward. But then the reward is just gay sex. This is bullshit. I wanted a skateboard

Trade gay porn for bookshelf assembly??

so, my mom was putting in her CD with church pics but it wouldn't work on her computer so she put it in mine now, the last thing I watched on windows media player was hardcore lesbian porn that got into the action right away so my mom puts in the cd into my computer opens up windows media players and the porn starts playing and when I realized what was happening I was like "oh fuck" but then... she goes berserk she was screaming "THIS CD HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!!" and she took out a HAMMER and smashed the fucking CD it was the best thing ever not only was I completely off the hook you have to love the awesome displays of religious apeshit I think if god existed, he put people like my mom on this earth to entertain us

this is going to sound very gay, but we were watching the discovery channel today at work where there were these sort of african olympics in a tribe when a male reaches mating age anyways...the guy had to be nude and do this relay on a balance beem to appease some god HAW it was strange because even flacid he had a penis the size of the empire state building gah ugh it was mesmorizing, my secretary kept in rythym to its bobbing lol I felt terribly inadequate I hate the discovery channel

MOVIE TRIVIA TIME You have to beat EtherMan's high score of 720 Question #59: for 60 points . . . . What special skill did the cricket possess in the movie "Mulan"? talking speech singing ninjitsu swordsmanship violin flight fighting homosexuality japanese fighting cricket big slapping testicles Sorry, your time is up! You had 30 seconds to answer. expanding rectum opium addiction

Watch out! I'm the Big Mean Trans! I'm coming for you! You better be ready!

your 14 follower blog is silencing queer voices

Valentine's Day (quotes)

10 DAILY TOONS: Bondage, hardcore, nude, rude, used and abused, these toons will have you jizzing all over yourself in no time.

10 GOLDEN RULES TO THE BEST ANAL PROBIN' EVER!

10000 KILOMETER HUG TECHNIQUES

<[1RB]sika> once you fuck a ham it will change your life forever Really? I found Turkeys to be the best fucks <[1RB]sika> but hams have a perfect sized hole in the middle already cut I know, but turkeys have those nice little wings that act perfectly for handles <[1RB]sika> balogna is good too <[1RB]sika> and when you're done jacking off with it you can call your pets to clean up the mess

9 ½ Weeks-Sex Slave

A letter from the Porn Stars of America

*A nicely toned Fox Male stands in a dim room with a crate of freshly opened sex toys, he is wearing leather straped chaps and nothing else. To his right an industrial sized jug of lube behind him a wall covered with chains and ropes to his left a wooden bed with worn bed posts* Now, who wants to join me? Licking is my specialty.

A Woman's Poetic Blow Job -- was Re: Pussy poem

(acidxxx) phone sex isnt expensive (acidxxx) dial 0 and start talking nasty (acidxxx) takes them at least 45 seconds before they hang up on you (acidxxx) "I wanna take you doggie style in this phone booth and rub your head in the chewing gum"

Advice for the guys who insist on posting pictures of their penis

AGE 20: WHY WONT ANYONE FUCK ME // AGE 40: WHY WONT ANYONE LOVE ME // AGE 60: WHY WONT ANYONE KILL ME // AGE 80: WHY WONT ANYONE FUCK ME

Ah dammit my penis is all clogged from eating too much chicken when im not jerking off im taking shits

You are standing on the top of a cliff next to a clone of yourself who just so happens to be stark naked. You reach over, and deftly push the clone over the cliff. Is it: A: Homicide B: Suicide or C: Just another obscene clone fall

(akerom) anyone gota picture of a fat naked stomach? (akerom) or a fat naked girl (akerom) im making a comic of last night

Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders

Amazingly pathetic sex-for-rent poster

Anal sex with Gollum isn't normal. But on meth it is.

and a little bit a chicken fry...Pussy beer and corn on hr e the bcob . Boobs burger and a fridagsy night... and the raidio uppp

AND I HOPE YOUR PUSSY SLIPS OUT ON THE FLOOR WHEN YOU GIVE BIRTH TO YOUR FISRTBORN YOU FUCKING LOSER!

And I'm a 6'2 buffgirl with impeccable abs, skull-crushing thighs, G-cup tits, and just the right amount of body hair.

and this is why alcohol, ms paint and porn don't mix

And weirdly she didn't like wasabi penis?

anonymous are pussies

Facial stabbing. Oozing blood. Shotgun vaginally inserted. Brains splatter over the wall. GrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH! is a good death metal track

shit slashdot STILL down yeah, im crying now whats wrong with it? this sucks this totally fucked up my day heh me too some girl asked me if i wanted to have sex with her all day, but i said "after i read slashdot" GOD DAMNIT!

As I was pulling over onto the belay ledge there was this beautiful and I mean beautiful chick. Her first words were, "What took you so long?". Before I could even say "Off belay" she kissed me, tongue and all, and started to undo her blouse. She was naked by this time and started to . . . . Hey, what is this? This isn't Penthouse! What magazine is this? Climbing. I must have gotton the letters mix up. Ah. Got to go. See you later. Bye.

anal sex is like hacking you go in through the backdoor and hope you dont meet a log

(at this point her pussy started to watered)

atlasthealmighty: Did I tell you my idea of injecting heroin into your balls, so when you ejaculate, it's heroin... And then the chick will think you just gave her the most amazing orgasm in the world, and she'd become addicted to sex with you nullphi: i would like to subscribe to your newsletter

audrey 2 has great sex appeal

based on a bunch of educated assumptions i've made about weight gain, really obese guys must have like the hugest dicks on the planet

Kaff - can you stop changing your nick. My notify list is about 98MB now, since I simply must know the nanosecond you come online. bayls, thats FUNNY considering you never talk to me :( and dammit, i miss you so much when you're not here. or soemthing. Kaffy - Sadly, that's true. However, I find enough solace staring doefully out the window into the night, illuminated only by the soft haze of my monitor, thinking of you and humming "Soooommeewhere ouuuut theeere..." Then I load up the vast gallery of porn, all carefully edited to include your head with the tampons stuck up your nose on each body, have a brisk pull, then fall into a restful sleep, my own manpaste hardening to a flaky crust as I slumber. aww how romantic *sniff*

*** BennyHill has joined #lobby BOOBIES, TITS, CANS, BEWBEEIS, MUFFINS, BOULDERS, YABBOS, SWEATERMEAT, JIGGLERS, BAZOOMS, MEAT PUPPETS, MILK WAGONS, JUBBLIES, BREASTESSES, HAPPYSACKS, TATAS, BAAABOOMS, TWIN PEAKS, TWEETERS, CHI CHI'S, COCONUTS, BOOBLATINES, MAMAMAMARRIES, SWEATER PUPPIES, BAGOS, FLESH BAGS, WHOOPERS, PILLOWS, BOYS TOYS, DOUBLE MOUNDS, TEATS GLOBES OF WONDER, BAZONGAS, BOSOMS, BLOUSE WEASELS, BIG'UNS, MELONS, TITILATIONS, BAZOOKAS, JIGGLYS, HOOTERS, BREASTS, JOY TOYS, SQUEEZIES, KNOCKERS, FAKE O BAGOS, JUGS, RACK, WUBBAS, KNOBS, HEADLIGHTS, FUNBAGS, PUPPIES, and of course WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION !!!! :O I don't think i've ever seen it put so eloquently before.

Big Rob was so horny and so hungrey that he was almost out of his mind.

Big-Dick LIARS

<@Blackout> is it ok to masturbate and irc at the same time, what ya guys think <@fragge> dont aim your cum on my nick

what's for supper my beautiful wife? you on a silver platter? CPU: AMD Athlon Thunderbird clocked at 1453.26 MHz OS: Microsoft Windows 98 Second Edition [4.10.2222] RAM: 257MB / 512MB <29% load> Video: NVIDIA GeForce2 MX/MX 400 (1024x768x16 bits) <63MB/64MB video RAM> Sound: SB Live! Wave Device (Driver Version: 5.0) [Stereo] Network Interfaces: NDIS 5.0 driver (Ethernet) <10000000 bps> [5.4 MB received / 0.3 MB sent] Disk: a: ()[]: 0.0GB/0.0GB....c: (WINDOZE)[FAT32]: 4.4GB/4.9GB....d: (BUZINESS)[FAT32]: 12.4GB/12.6GB....e: (PLEAZURE)[FAT32]: 22.0GB/23.7GB....f: ()[]: 0.0GB/0.0GB Uptime: 0 days, 1 hrs, 2 mins, 3 secs what a great prelude to sex. system information.

blasting dark and twisted rope in the depths of my penis stronghold

Blood is thicker than water, but come (cum) is thicker than blood.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight? BritneySpears14: Aight. bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah. BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja. bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat. BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up. bloodninja: Me too baby. BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest. bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman. BritneySpears14: Hey... bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite. BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it. bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness. BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous. bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands. bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid. BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****. bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal. bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him. bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now. bloodninja: Baby? -------------- BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready? eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready. BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee. eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies. BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you. BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique. eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat. BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again. eminemBNJA: Oh **** BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up. eminemBNJA: Oh **** eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

Blowjobs can't pay the rent!

bro keep the misogyny out of the gore porn i hate that shit!

BUY MY VAGINA JACKET -- BARELY USED

...Buzz Lukens took that fateful step... -- Vice President Dan Quayle, confusing convicted sexual-assaulter Congressman Buzz Lukens with Astronaut Buzz Aldrin

BY VIEWING PHOTOS OF SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, INCLUDING HORNY WIVES, YOU CAN LOOK YOUNGER, LOSE WEIGHT, AND INCREASE YOUR STAMINA WHILE DRIVING PRE-QUALIFIED CUSTOMERS TO YOUR MULTILEVEL PROGRAM AND MAKE OVER $4000 PER MONTH GUARANTEED.

so I wonder if its possible to become SO good at masturbating, sex becomes obsolete. Like you could be fucking a girl, and just go "man this is weak, wheres my right hand at" because pussy simply isnt up to par with your masturbation skills.

i wonder what sales calls will be like with video phones at least then you'll be able to flip them off or hang up a porn picture over the camera hehe...print out goatse.cx pictures and flash them to unsuspecting sales people hehe hahaha "hang on a sec, i can't remember where I left my credit card.... Oh, i left it in.. (goatse.cx guy) HERE"

CAN I BUY A PAIR A BIG TITS ON AMAZON AND ALSO A OVERSIZED CIGAR TO CHOMP ON WHILE HOLDIN THE TITS

Cassandra woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on her blinds, cascading over her naked chest. She stretched, her breasts lifting with her arms as she greeted the sun. She rolled out of bed and put on a shirt, her nipples prominently showing through the thin fabric. She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards.

If you're hiking and you get lost, can't you just eat your own semen for a week? I mean, it has no nutritional value, but at least you'll be masturbating

CINDI LAUPER - Her lyrics run the gambit [sic] from masturbation to prostitution. Her song, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is filthy. Her psychedelic hair and wild outfits are indications of her rebellion and anti-establishment ideals. She gets her spiritual advise [sic] from wrestling promoter Lou Albano. [COMMENTS: Again, I think they meant gamut, not gambit.] -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

hey I was just thinking... If someone sent you 10 cd's and a note saying: 9 of these cd's contain porn. The last one fries your computer. what would you do? * Claes Quit (Ping timeout)

hey Hey SEX? sure * Clecky sex * SargeZT sex Done Cya bye

climbing into my computer to have hot nasty sex w the installation wizard

climbing mt everest is so easy we call it mt ever shit. me and the boys go up there and take pictures pretending to suck the dead guys dicks

Clumsy, Uncomfortable Sex

i've discovered some serious design flaws regarding the human body! you see, we got two or more of almost all body parts.. like ears, eyes, arms, legs, fingers, toes ++ however, for the things that we REALLY like to do, like eating and fucking, we're only equipped with one tool or perhaps my discovery is just the answer to why we like oral sex and why "american pie" was made?

Nah, this one's good. Alright, so it was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The Angel at the gate said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 10th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. I knew she was fucking some bitch, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. I wanted to kill the fucker! So I unplugged my refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 10 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel considers this, and let's him in cuz it WAS a bad day....The next dude comes up, and is asked the same question. So the dude replies, "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I was really pushing hard, and I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. I fell and fucking hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground in shock and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 10 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." rofl... So the Angel chuckles, thinks his job is pretty cool, and let's this dude in...the third dude comes up, and again the Angel asks him the same question about how he died. So the dude goes, 'Okay, picture this, I'm hiding in this refrigerator right..."

come fuck this sex negative pussy

Come to the library. We will laminate your penis for free.

coming up with sexual roleplay scenarios about growing up Upper-Middle Class

[COMMENT: As a longtime Styx fan, I am especially upset at this denouncement. First, here is another denouncement that contains not a single reference to the band's music. [...] Despite my repeated exposure to sex, drugs, and the occult, I have never smoked ANYTHING, have never worshipped the devil or the forces of evil (nor have I ever felt any desire to), and I am currently involved in a monogamous relationship.] -- annotator's rebuttal, from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

my girlfriend tattooed this guy's dick last week and when i came home i was like "how'd the tattoo go?" and she goes "fine, except that I needed both hands so I had to hold his cock in my mouth." i was like "thats ni-you whaaa?!??"

-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME -[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE -[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO -[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT -[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE

Cosmixmaster : hi there Cosmixmaster : did you hit it yet? HolomÂ : no Cosmixmaster : why not HolomÂ : 1. she sorta wants to wait and 2. no place to do it Cosmixmaster : wait until marriage? Cosmixmaster : your room? Cosmixmaster : her room? Cosmixmaster : her vagina? Cosmixmaster : ? HolomÂ : no, not till marriage HolomÂ : cant in her room.....might could in mine Cosmixmaster : how about outside Cosmixmaster : or in a car Cosmixmaster : or outside a bar Cosmixmaster : would you fuck her in a chair Cosmixmaster : would you fuck her near a bear Cosmixmaster : would you fuck her in a bed Cosmixmaster : or perhaps in the head Cosmixmaster : how about in the sky Cosmixmaster : or while eating an apple pie Cosmixmaster : try it on some hay Cosmixmaster : some like it down by the bay Cosmixmaster : but I like prefer doing it during mass Cosmixmaster : but nothing beats tapping it in the ass HolomÂ : hahaha HolomÂ : nice Cosmixmaster : so which one HolomÂ : i'm thinking bed Cosmixmaster : it's the mass one, isn't it? Cosmixmaster : damn

HOW TO EMAIL HUGS

HOW TO HUG LONG DISTANCE

“Cowabunga… Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitated putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT… and I don't like it.”

i read a brit/canadian magazine an its full of all these hints an tips for kinky ways of sex...look at an american mag an its {why cant my man get it up} {does my fat ass turn my man off} {my man last 30seconds or less}

creepy pussy ive ben drowning in it

cum is low key tastey tho

I just had an idea If I spray cheese into a condom.... :/ I can actually have sex with easy cheese get a girlfriend please

daily affirmations I am a vortex of BullshitI attract Toxicity I attract Negative energyWealth and Success flee from meAngelic guides Abandon me due to my Personality Disorder My Higher Self is trapped inside of a Prism and being tortured by Demons Powerful Forces are conspiring for my DownfallMy Crystal's are Busted My Chakras are Spinning Backeards My Pineal Gland is replaced.with a Deer PelletI suck Positive Vibes out of the Room and Replace them with Rancidity and HatredI attract DramaMy Children Hate meBugs Grow in my Whiote Girl DredsMy Twin Flame left me for a Pleadiean Bitch with 6 Penise's My OF is Failing My SoundCloud is Shadowbanned My Volkswagon Golf has a Catastrophic Oil Leak I have Ozempic FaceI have NothingMy life is FuckedMy life is FuckedMy life is FuckedMY LIFE IS fucked.

damn my pants ripped in the desert ahhh the sand so hot on my dick

Popups have been around since the dawn of porn. Prehistoric, pornographic cave paintings would interrupt primitive man's masturbation with other paintings popping up hawking larger genitalia/clubs/wheels/fires. Then the first man would bash the new painter with his club (a primitive version of a mouse) and get back to "work". This is the first demonstrated case of "popup rage".

Dead gopher, wrapped in porn.

WOooOH! SPIDERS!!!!!!!! yes? I FOUND MY DICK!!! I FOUND MY DICK!!! I FOUND MY DICK!!! err disk! hahaha Ooh fuck im never gonna hear the end of that one

Dear Conceited Penis..

The thing that always got me about the goatse.cx guy is that he's wearing a wedding ring. Does his wife know he can cram a week's worth of camping gear up there? Does she know that her husband's gaping ass has become an internet super sensation? Is it a secret, or is she a part of his anal adventures? Did she clap when he managed to solve a Rubik's cube using only the muscles of his colon? Deepthroat: For all you know, she's the one with the camera.

Dude, I was eating a chocolate bar in my kitchen the other day, when my mom walks in I was like "it's like an orgasm in my mouth" and my mom says "oh, believe me, you DON'T want to know what that tastes like". I guess she realized what she said, because she walked out really quickly. :(

Dempsey's penis size chart: Clint Dempsey: His penis size chart S. Patton (American actor): His penis size chart Barack Obama: His penis size chart Jimmy Carter: His penis size chart Ronald Reagan: His penis size chart Jackie Robinson: His penis size chart Babe Ruth: His penis size chart Greg Norman: His penis size chart Albert Einstein: His penis size chart Andy Rooney: His penis size chart

*desperate for sex voice* so thats spongebob and thats patrick?

DID YOU KNOW? For statues of generals on horseback, the # of hooves in the air represents the # of times the general had sex with the horse.

i've answered every single penis enlargement email, and the home finance ones, and the inkjet ones. Now I have 500 houses that i owe money on, my penis is long enough to reach all of them, and it shoots inkjet ink.

didja know that a bee's penis breaks off in the queen and she saves it for later? saves it for later for what? saves it for later when she needs to fertilize eggs if the queen's next lover isn't as good she slaps him with the penis of previous lovers

i'm not sure i could ever endure a d&d session, i'd fall asleep Not if its a DnD orgy WHOOHOO, I ROLLED A NATURAL 20! THE PALADIN HAS TO TAKE OFF HIS LOINCLOTH

DO NOT FAIL TO DO THIS, OR I WILL REDUCE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS BY THREE INCHES!

~~ DO NOT HANDLE JALAPENOS and THEN HAVE SEX ~@

Do Not Jerk Off

Do you know how many cheesy, irradiated dicks I had to suck to get even one, tender, succulent rat?

"hallo! i am reeecki marten! sex masheen! i love all the preeety gerls! lets us have secks! constantleee! i am south american sensation! bulging spaniard genitals!"

does anyone want to watch me smoke naked while i use

don't you fucking test me i will draw this porn i swear to god i'm doing it

DONNA SUMMERS - [...] Her first big hit was a 17 minute song entitled "Love To Love You, Baby", in which she repeated the title over and over and simulated the sounds of 22 orgasms. [COMMENTS: I thought Donna Summer was a born-again Christian? Also, just out of curiosity, does anyone know what 22 orgasms sound like?) -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

Draketh: I got a piercing last night Draketh: and I don't really regret it even though it was a decision made totally under the influence Finn: ... Draketh: so we're sitting around another fire blowing things up since it's the 4th and drinking, I walk over and sit down and the topic is piercings so we start talking, eventually it shifts to genital piercings Finn: ... Draketh: I mentioned always being interested in a prince albert, and this girl that was there that was like a friend of one of my cousins friends or some shit shes like "I work at a piercing parlor, I have all my shit in the car I can totally do that right now" Draketh: It was legit, like steralized tools in sealed packages and everything, bowl of alcohol to soak the tools in, she wore gloves. Draketh: It was like being at a piercing parlor Draketh: Except I was in a big ass comfy patio chair with a bottle of Makers Finn: I just.... I don't think I could ever let someone shove anything through my penis Draketh: actually I think it's gonna be hilarious Draketh: like I have no tattoo's, no other piercings and then like BAM "Suprise!" Draketh: it's like opening the plain brown wrapped gift on Christmas, and instead of a sweater it's a new laptop Draketh: see, the laptop is my dick Finn: .... just.... wow

dude i cannot fucking believe it. you MASTURBATED in my ROOM thats fucking disgustingwell man, i can explain, see what happened was-no no no, i dont want to hear it. you masturbated in my room, and i saw all one hour and thirty minutes of itwhat?yeah, the police got a tape of you mastubating for that whole time and i watched the whole thing. i couldnt BELIEVE that my BEST FRIEND would masturbate in my room, so i double checked even! just to make sure that it really happened. you broke my TRUST manw-wait,in fact, i couldnt believe my own eyes. i told the police to watch it just to make sure, and we watched it AGAIN. they couldnt believe it eitherdude what diwe had an argument about it, and were so unconvinced that we took it to top brass so they could perform a visual forensics on it. so for a fourth time,

Dude with the biggest cock you’ve ever seen ids always named some naked named some shit like Higgins

dudes trying to say theyre “sorcerers” yet they refuse to suck cocks and swallow cum

So, I had to get a colonoscopy today That's where they stick a camera up your ass and take pictures of your intestines that's just great Anyway, that part wasn't bad, the bad part was the prep for it which was... I didn't eat anything yesterday. Starting at 3 PM I had to drink about 2 liters of this shit that would help clear my intestines out. Basically, from 3 PM until about 12 I had SEVERE abdominal cramps. I mean severe. I'm talking about rolling around on the floor punching shit severe Anyway, during this, I started to get horny for some reason It was a strange feeling really. Not even being able to stand up because of crippling pains, and yet at the same time, having a raging boner and wanting to jack off this wont end well Anyway, I had been shitting brown water since 3 (that's what the nasty shit I drank did), and I needed to again. But since I had a huge boner I figured I'll take care of it while I'm in the can. So, I'm standing over the toilet cranking one off, and I'm getting the shits, so I sit down. Just before I'm about to cum, I start feeling like I'm going to puke. Now, I had vomit brewing for awhile. You know that feeling you get when you're going to puke? When you start to feel sick and start salivating a lot? I had been getting that since I went to the bathroom. Anyway it built up enough that I started VIOLENTLY and LOUDLY puking. I'm fucking lucky the sink is right next to the toilet. The force of this caused me to begin shooting shit-water out of my ass with the force of a pressure washer. The spasming of my entire body caused my hand to move around enough that I started cumming. So after all was said and done, I had a line of fire burning a line from my balls to and up my asscrack, puke in the sink, and cum covering my legs. Yeah yesterday was not a good day :\ *LONG pause* ... what the fuck ..... o_o You have lived more in that one moment than anyone else in their entire lives

EVERY OTHER SINGLE FUCKING CLOSE-UP SHOT OF A PENIS GOING IN AND OUT OF A VAGINA THAT HAS EVER BEEN COMMITTED TO FILM IN HUMAN HISTORY, THAT'S WHAT!

every political scandal has to be called ____gate now because 54 years ago a guy named blowjob told reporters there were bugs in the democrat offices

everyone can tell that you jerk off with tummy time and they think it’s weird

everyone is overreacting this is fucking awesome i love when sexual predators get tortured to death it gives me a big fat boner

everyone needs to stop having sex youre supposed to jerk off to your concepts face down in your dark bedroom

Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.

EvilWoNkA: fred durst has sex with farm enaimals

Examples: SEX NICE GUY SEX MAKE YOU CUM SEX HOT BABE SEX LAWN CHAIRS SEX I WANNA PEE ON YOUR POOP!

f you get even a small percentage of the dirty rotten, cum sucking, mother fucking, piece o' shit, ratt ass, darn SPAM that I get (I HATE SPAM!), you'll really appreciate this site.

"Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single." GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

FEDERAL DICK TRIED TO PULL ME OVER FOUR A LITTLE BOOZING + CRUISING BUT I REPLACED EVERY WINDOW IN MINE HUMLE SHITBOX WITH STAINED GLASS & WHEN THE SUNLIGHT HIT HE WEPT IN REVERENT AWE

Man i had a bad day !!! o great =( what happened? well i was masturbating on my couche an I fell of hahaha o god thats not the worst part. i hit my head on the coffee table and knocked myself out and my mom came in and found me unconscience on the floor with my dick in one hand and a porn mag in the other. lmao

oh shit i was just jacking off and my dad was walking on the deck i hope he didn't look down through the window :( the bad part was, after i saw him in the corner of my eye on the deck, he came back in and asked if i wanted kielbasa for dinner

first mammoth to get hit with a spear mustve been like actually fuck you for real

first up who ever wrote are total dick head and is going to hell

DONUT MASTURBATION IS LIKE SEX IN THE SAME WAY A CYRIX 333 WITH A VODOO 3 AND A 2 GIG WD HARD DRIVE IS LIKE AN ATHLON 2600 WITH 1TB MAXTOR RAID ARRAY AND A MODERN NVIDIA GRAPHICS CARD Fish, could you make sex any less sexy? FUNK IM TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT TO DONUT UHH FISH I DON'T JUST SIT THERE AND PUMP DONUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU HANG UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE DAMN CEILING IF MASTURBATION WAS LIKE SEX WHAT THE HELL WOULD GIRLS BE FOR Masturbating over.

flaccid penis... it's chic, it's hip, it's the next big thing

not a tivo, just a creative labs tv tuner card with tivo-like functionality if i had that card fogie, i would rip the trinity broadcasing network 24/7 what is that, pr0n? if televangelists for jesus = pr0n, then yes to each his own somewhere in America a man is jerking off to jesus

Damn, more spam invading my inbox Nooooobody expects the Spammer's Imposition! Our two weapons are offshore servers and feeble laws. Feeble laws and offshore servers. And fake headers. Our THREE weapons are offshore servers, feeble laws and fake headers. And gulliable horny lamers. Our FOUR weapons are... I'll come in again. -!- Aviator [dsm@mimas] has quit [Come, Cardinal Bigglesworth!] -!- Aviator [dsm@mimas] has joined #chat Riiiiiight... * Aviator tortures foo with the comfy V14Gr/ and the soft Debt Consolidation

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me three times this has gotta be a sex thing for at least one of us

For the first 290,000 years of our species' existence, there was only "Pissing", and the state of human behavior remained static. But 10,000 years ago, "Shitting" was invented, catalysing a sort of, algorithmic explosion of innovation. The developed human animal became totally changed, unrecognizable to his primitive ancestors, with greater and greater behavioral mutations occurring in each passing generation. Scientists have theorized that another quantum leap is possible-- another seismic shift in the very nature of humankind. Perhaps this transformation, could propel us beyond the confines of our planet, or render our bodies obsolete as we metamorphose into beings of pure, conscious energy. But, let's be realistic. The technologies that now surround us, for all the comfort and convenience they afford, also pose a terrible existential threat. In a world overburdened by remorselessly extractive industry, destroying ecologies and human bodies alike, such unprecedented development could create a hell on earth, now unfathomable to even our darkest imaginings-- it could even be our undoing. Theoretical scientists, are calling this hypothetical third process, name of "Cumming". And, whetehr for good or ill, they now believe "Cumming", could be developed at any time.

For Valentine's Day, I'm Sewing My Vagina Shut

Fuck you anti bird architecture who gives a shit if a little guy makes a nest on top of your stupid Starbucks sign

FUCK YOU FOR DISRESPECTING ISSAC NEWTON WITH THIS TASTLESS PILE OF HIPPO SHIT

Fuck, I want him to destroy me. Anonymous2: hope you mean it for real, that bitch got a dick the size of a skyscraper Anonymous3(1): Well if it means I won't die a virgin then yes.

Fuckin liar. …..yeah I’m calling you a liar, cuz that what you are a fuckin L I A R! …..FUCK YOU TOO!, you…you product of a casual encounter. ….GET….OFME……UGH…UGH………..UGH……CLINGY........ASSSS.............BICH.......... ..............THAHS……WHUH………U……..GET BIOCH………………….BETTRNOT DO IT AGAIN ASSSHOLE post id: 15781695

full-force slamming my cock into a cliff face that ive painted to resemble a pussy after watching the roadrunner fuck it with ease

FUN WITH GS 1. Take it to school and replace it for someones JELLO. 2. Put it in a plastic bag, to simulate that "pussy" feeling. 3. Use it as hard on cream. 4. Throw it at people. 5. Add some gasoline to it, and torch it. 6. Flush it down the toilets at school, and they will think that it's some strange phenominum that the drains are screwed. 7. Color it green, and lay it on the desk, and make it look like you had a snot shot (blasting a booger out on side of a nose..) 8. Smear it on walls. 9. Drop it in someones pool (it floats, if it's not too thick.) 10. Tell your parents you were out playing, and found a nuclear waste container.

FUNKY LAWN SEX ... (just kidding it's a yard sale)

(furiously jerking off) actually south park… fuck… south park makes fun of both sides

anyone know what carpet bombing is? umm...taking a crap on a vagina?

Gabriel's dick didn't work as a stunt double...It just... worked. - Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

bah, you stupid people and your big paragraphs, I always get the gist of things by reading the first and last sentences Well Georgo, there was this one time me and your mom went out to the store. However, it ended up with my getting these sudden, primal urges. One thing led to another and needless to say I was fucking her doggy-style and that's when I yelled "Who's the Boss?," stuck my cock in her ass, and then screamed "TONY DANZA!" But in the end we only landed up buying a few vegetables and some milk. god I love happy storys

GETTING STABBED THEN BLOWJOB AFTER!!!!!!!!!!

Ghostbusters breast cheese please

girl smoked a newport with her pussy whole room smelled like a fuckin oil refinery

Girl: i like falling asleep with cold pillows by the way SkibblesMcCheese: That's nice SkibblesMcCheese: I like bunnies and marshmallows Girl: well, i'm just lettin ya know so that you can have some cold ones ready for me after our extensive sex fest Girl: i figured you'd be polite and do that for me Girl: haha SkibblesMcCheese: What am I supposed to do, put them in the fridge? Girl: no, i usually stick mine in the freezer right before i go to bed SkibblesMcCheese: Seriously? Girl: for real SkibblesMcCheese: That just bgave me a stiffie Girl: hehe Girl: why? SkibblesMcCheese: I don't know... just imaging you sticking a pillow in the freezer... it just kinda made me hard, that's all Girl: bending over to stick it in the freezer? SkibblesMcCheese: Uhhh... yeah! That was it Girl: what would u do if you came upon a scene such as that? SkibblesMcCheese: Do you have clothes on in this scene? Girl: hrmmm... Girl: that's a good question Girl: but... that's up to you SkibblesMcCheese: So no SkibblesMcCheese: In which case, I would build a campfire and roast some of those marshmallows SkibblesMcCheese: It would get pretty chilly with that freezer open Girl: shaddup!! Girl: i wanted u to like, come up behind me and grab my hips and just pull me back into u with ur dick hardening against me... but hell, if you wanna make fucking marshmallows... i suppose i can settle for that SkibblesMcCheese: I really like marshmallows

Global warming cause: 3.5 billion males creating heat w/ friction by constant furious masturbation & hasbeen rising since anime was invented

GO HAVE SEX AT THE GOLF COURSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS!!!!

God Shrek just look like he eat the pussy like a starving dog. I bet he good at it

Godzilla is cumming! We must flee!

good pussy smells like burnt toast

got my dick caught up in a tree branch now im tossin a football up there to dislodge the darn thing

Greetings, sexual failures of the Hell-bound kind.

Guy who didnt satisfy his partner during sex cryign and punching himself in the balls going STUPID STUPID STUPID!!

GuyGuy: I am so fucking dead, dude. Bilbo22: What's up? GuyGuy: Ok, this is gonna take some explanation. Bilbo22: Go for it. GuyGuy: Alright. My wife goes crazy when I cum in her. She really likes the feeling of liquid shooting into her or something, cause she's absolutely nuts about it. It's like a fucking fetish. GuyGuy: Anyway, Last week she went totally overboard with this. We were having sex, and everything was going great, but when I said I was about to cum she grabbed me by the shaft, forcefully yanked me out of her, got this fucking jar from the drawer in the nightstand, and collected my fucking semen in it. Bilbo22: What the fuck? GuyGuy: Yeah. Weird ass shit. Bilbo22: No, I mean the fact you're telling me this shit. I don't want to hear this. GuyGuy: It's important dude, hear me out. Bilbo22: Fine, Fine. GuyGuy: Anyway, I was asking what the fuck she was up to and she tells me she wants to save up my jism so she can take it all at once. So she sticks the jar in the fridge and tells me we can't have any more sex until I fill the thing entirely. GuyGuy: And long story short, I just don't got that much juice in me, so after a week of trying to jack it until I could fill it, my penis felt like it was gonna burst. So I decided to cheat, and topped it off with some of this dove soap she has, cause it looks a lot like semen. Bilbo22: Oh dear god, I know where this is going. GuyGuy: So I give her the filled jar all indignant like cause she made me do this, and she promised me lots of kinky sex for it. GuyGuy: Then she pulls a fucking turkey baster out of her dresser, sucks up the contents of the jar, sticks the baster in her pussy, and lets it rip. GuyGuy: As it turns out, Soap apparently burns like a motherfucker when you put it in a woman's pussy. Bilbo22: Oh shit man. When the fuck was this? GuyGuy: Like, ten minutes ago. Bilbo22: Then what the fuck are you doing on AIM!? GuyGuy: Are you kidding? She's been in the bathroom for the past ten minutes screaming like a fucking banshee. GuyGuy: I needed leverage. If she murders me now, I've got a witness who can testify against her. GuyGuy: Oh shit, she's coming out now. If you don't hear from me in a few days, call the cops! Bilbo22: I'll be sure to check under the porch for your body.

guys who jack off think theyre the "Main character" of real life. No, youre just an imbecial .

guys why are we criticizing i mean yeah we are the internet but porn is porn

me: "we should form a company that makes manly china patterns" my friend: "i agree. i mean, how much success am i supposed to have when all the patterns are called "tender blossom" or some shit? i want one called, like, "Glock" or "Beer and Tits" or "Lets Burn Down Fucking Pier 1"

has anyone shit on a floor like in a room or something because i have and its actually fun because you get alot of laughs out of the thought of people walking in and seeing it. DICK cheney and george BUSH

Hate the media? Fuck me! - w4m

Have An Anti War Love Affair - Have Sex and Orgasms Against War !

having fried sex with my southern wife

HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE.

He had a small penis

He's not having sex, he's committing suicide

Heavy metal is audio pornography at extreme decibels.

Height of sophistication: a baby drinking milk from it's mother's breasts with a straw.

Heres a tip are you having trouble finding the clitoris ? Heres a tip forget the sex cause you are the run from the law. You ate a kid dude

Hey - if you can eat menstration from chickens, I don't see how eating cum (however gross it may be) can be a problem.

Hey There, Naked Guy

Hi - I need a custom rear-view photograph of a human torso with a mass of spaghetti hanging out from between the buttocks. The model should be male, of average weight/build, preferably with noticeable body hair (swarthy a plus), in a standing posture (butt pimples okay). There should be a large mass of COOKED spaghetti (or any long strand-shaped semolina pasta except capellini and no whole wheat or spinach pasta) in a red sauce protruding out from the butt crack and dangling vertically. I DO NOT want any genitalia or sexual imagery featured, nor any distinguishing physical characteristics such as tattoos, etc.

Hi I'm tumblr user #19473043445 and I'm a staunch leftist. I participate in the fight for freedom and equality by jerking off to incest porn to own the puritans and posting obvious scam donation links. You can support me by reading my AO3 fanfictions and donating to my kofi so I can make more fanart.

his balls would feel grait pressed up against my ass his dick would feel great in my ass

HIS MORTGAGE RATES WERE SUPERB, BUT HIS PENIS WAS TOO SHORT, SO HE ORDERED 60,000,000 VIAGRA PILLS AND BEFORE HE COULD TAKE THEM HE WAS ASSASINATED BY 5 MILLION EMAIL ADDRESSES AT NO COST TO YOU.

Honestly I just don’t feel like jerking off right now

horny futon mattress desperate for some hot action - $100

"horny" has killed more people than all the volcanos on earth combined

Horny...as a three-balled tomcat

how come a baby born with a foot in its brain is considered a "Miracle Baby" but when I get my dick stuck in a drawer im just some asshole

How to piss off a cop: Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

How to piss off a cop: If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

how to turn a girl on: during sex just say "thank you for letting me fuck you" over and over. she'll will love it.

i admit it seems significantly harder than I assumed for two dogs to have sex

I am kind of hungry, and I want some real dragon porn to feed on. So pleas, give me some pics and links of that lovely stuff. "Yours truly 89asvela"

I am kind of hungry, and I want some real dragon porn to feed on. So pleas, give me some pics and links of that lovely stuff. "Yours truly 89asvela" -- forum post titled "Dragon sex", DragonSpot Forums, 2006

I am kind of hungry, and I want some real dragon porn to feed on. So pleas, give me some pics and links of that lovely stuff.

I CAN'T EVEN GET SAFE SEX. I tried a phone sex line for the first time the other day. Clara told me I should get more comfortable by taking off all my clothes. As soon as I got naked our connection went bad. The old woman waiting to use the phone began yelling at me so loud and banging her fists against the booth's glass so hard I couldn't hear a word Clara said. -- Robert W. Howington, Attack Poetry #1 (Fat Nipples zine)

i cum in pies!

I find masturbation to be more sexually fulfilling than an actual physical relationship with another human being.

I fucking love ebay I'd let it cum in me if it could

i got fast food mouth and disco tits

I got porn on my Tiger Wrist Game.

I Hate Having a Small Penis

I have an image of Jesus on my penis

i have breakfast then lunch then sexual lunch and then dinner

I have declared war on your penis.

I love to wear bras on my ass while I masturbate? is there something wrong with me?

I love, you are hot please fart in my penis, nice ass beatiful men gretings..

i read all about the female side of masterbation and how they give them selvs orgasms in so many ways... yet i cant seem to do the same.. i now start to feel a bit jelious and wonder if males can hav orgasms as well?

I really want to fuck her but my dick doesn't agree.

I see. So, not only did I "brown" my boxers with a slight tinge of "poop", but my "pussy" has "bleached" them, made them white, as well. This is a learning oppotunity. You greatly honor me. Thank you

I should probably jerk off while the economy is still in my favour

I suppose flicking your worthless penis at me could translate to ‘hello’. I will humor your gesture this time

“I think female masturbation should be called flapjacking” and other reasons I don’t get invited to brunch anymore

I thought you said you didn't like fart porn, you LIAR

I understand that when I gain access to this site, I will be exposed to visual images, verbal descriptions, and audio sounds of a sexually oriented, frankly erotic nature, which may include graphic visual depictions and descriptions of nudity and sexual activity. I am voluntarily choosing to do so, because I want to view, read and/or hear the various materials which are available, for my own personal enjoyment, information and/or education. My choice is a manifestation of my interest in sexual matters, which is both healthy and normal, and which in my experience is generally shared by average adults in my community. I am familiar with the standards in my community regarding the acceptance of such sexual oriented materials, and the materials I expect to encounter are within those standards. In my judgement, the average adult in my community accepts the consumption of such materials by willing adults in circumstances such as this which offer reasonable insulation from materials for minors and unwilling adults, and will not find such materials to appeal to a prurient interest or to be patently offensive.

I USED TO BE A BACKSTREET BOY UNTIL THEY KICKED ME OUT FOR BEING TOO SEXY

i wanna fuck you like a liberal, I Wanna vote you from the blue side

I WANT HIM TO BE MY PET DOG SO WE CAN HAVE SEX EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!

I want his stinky pig cum inside me

i want the curvature of the panel to match the curvature of his dick

I want to CRAWL out of my skin in a sexual way. creepy guy understands what I mean.

I want to make sure that you don't think I'm anti-penis in general.

I WAS A BACKSTREET BOY UNTIL THEY KICKED ME OUT FOR BEING TOO SEXY.

I was looking for photos of one physical condition that happens to penises and came across this photoset.

i was really horny during the york dungeon tour

I went shopping for Fuck Me heels

I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground floor and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off of the ground so suddenly, I 'lost my presence of mind' and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. This explains the lacerations of my right hand. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again 'lost my presence of mind'; I let go of the rope.

i'm debbie harry i sang heart of glass and i was in videodrome. now eat this multitalented pussy

I'm not going to have kids mainly because I don't want my vagina to look like someone picked me up and swung me around by it

i'm sorry i masturbated on your ikea catalog

I'm trying to remember the rate of gastric emptying it's the one masturbation fact I always forget

i've been phasing the phrase 'google it' out of my vocabulary and going back to 'look it up'. fuck you youve lost your generic trademark privileges

I've got a small penis - m4w

ICEBERG LETTUCE SUCKS DICK

if i leave my pussy hanging off the bed will a demon eat it

if you are fat and hairy i have great news for you. you are smoking hot sexy. your natural allure is off the damn charts. carry on.

if you bring a blacklight into your average hotel you'll be disgusted by how women shoot their breast milk all over the blankets and walls

If you remember being a teenager you're a creep because you straight up saw yourself naked back then. The only way to be righteous is to obliterate your mind with drugs until you can't remember anything

If you want me to masterbate in them add an extra $5. Photos sent via email an extra $5. Pee panties are an extra $5. I don't do poo panties, sex panties or period panties. Sorry

You are carrying one half-empty Anchor Steam beer, a GameBoy, and an angst-filled heart. You are in a clearing in the woods near a technology company. w You fall into the Pacific Ocean. e You are in a clearing in the woods near a technology company. There is a dwarf here with a hat that says "QA" on it. drink beer glug. say hello to dwarf FUCK YOU, THAT'S MARKETING'S JOB says the dwarf. He hits you with a memo and you die.

what does sex in a boat and american beer have in common they're both fucking close to water

im delighted to see that people are waking up to the fact that Masturbation is fraud, and turns all of the T in your body into germs

Im giving creepy blowjobs now & they keep telling me they want just the normal ones

Im going to cum. But i dont know where that is.End

im going to jack off to the comet instead of the ass because im nice

Imagine fucking. A girl and her pussy makes pinball machine noises

imagine stickin ur dick in a freshly poured cup of mcdonalds spriteed-longshanksme trying to retain consciousness as my dick sucks up the sprite like a small elephants trunk jeekoftheweek

In 1989 I saw a clam by the river... With the beautiful reflections of the sun on those calm waters... My penis got hard... I masturbated behind a poplar tree... and I felt guilty... I had sinned.

In case yu didn’t know elfs can jack off to pornos too

InnerGoat: My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a fight, or a way to make me feel like shit me. The other problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an explosive watery shit. One night she pushed me to far. She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad and started talking shit, about how I'm no good and my dick is small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we never did have sex. After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea I went to my sons room and got his bag of marbles. i then went to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just image her reactions when you shit marbles the next morning. I lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in. About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then giggled my self to sleep. The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to intense. She sat down and let it rip. She dam near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still shitting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just laughed and laughed as she packed her shit and left. I really do kind of miss her though.

is that your penis in your hand or is it my penis. you and i have begun to blur

ISO a Penis (with man attached)

ISO a Penis (with man attached)

"It ain't the pussy and it ain't the asshole." You may have heard of this little place between the pussy and the asshole.

it has come to my attention that everything is shit. when it really comes down to it i'm a little dick licking bastard with a fowl mouth. i like to think i'm intelligent, but really i can't even spell words correctly or use the words i'd like to use in the right way. i don't really even understand why i'm writing this. i'm pretty sure it's because i'm bored, or because i live in oregon IL. it's such a shit hole, everyone here is a disease, plauged to be worthless forever. i to am just as useless. i try to think i'm not, i try to convince myself that i have some greater purpose than the other people on earth. but it's a dream, i live in a dream, when i rise to my feet every morning it's because i hope that something momentous will occur. and when i end up sitting on a window sill at the local video store i realize i'm a waste of space.

It's like my brain, my heart and my pussy have been involved in a sick and twisted game of paper, scissors, rock since I met you: Pussy over brain, heart over pussy, and brain over heart.

I’m jerking a cum tribute to all tha victims of car crashes

I’ve never wanted to have sex with an airplane but I think it’s cool how some people want to have sex with airplanes. I think the world is a richer and more colorful place for it.

Your pretty funny I don't remember you.. but thanx Wanna cyber? OK, but don't tell anybody (wink) Who are you? I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot. And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car.. Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order Haha! OK Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce. Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want? I want everything, baby! Is this a delivery? Umm...Yes So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower... Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house. Jdogg, I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up! You can't hurry good pizza. I'm on my way now though So you're at my front door now. How did you know? I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table. Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby So you're still in the bathroom? Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself. I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door.... wtf? You perverted piece of shiat Fuk

jacking off in the dog house "the perfect crime"

jacking off is unrealistic

Jesus wants you to fuck me

Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z wait, shit

Just fucking fuck me, already.

Just saw a horse run by with a boner, I got super pissed and chased after it but he was faster than me

i think we need to like develop a bit further as persons just as i thought i cant imagine what life would be like with no arms at all irc'ing with a spoon in your mouth LOL no masturbating spending life on a quest for weird chicks who'd pittyfuck you or like team up with a legless chick imagine the sex

Shit... My teacher just sprung a surprise psych test on me. It was a damned describing game... Like: There's a forest, describe it. I was being a jackass and said that the forest was burned down and blackened. Then she asked me how I went through the forest. I said that I ran through it denying all logic and reason. She asked me to describe a vase in the forest, so I said that it had a penis on it. Then she asked me to describe a barrier blocking the way. I said that the barrier was my mom with a pickaxe. About 3 days later, my psych calls me and wants to 'talk'. Apparantly, my teacher called my psyche with the results of my test. Here's how it went down: The way you described the forest was the way you viewed life. The way you went through the forest was the way you went through life. The vase is your view on relationships, and the barrier is how you think you're going to die. Needless to say, my teacher keeps her distance from me now.

I hate it when H-manga's try to be philosophical Mehh. "As I lay there, with the cum flowing out of every hole, my schoolgirl vagina stretched beyond its natural limit by a twenty-limbed tentacle demon, I wondered 'What is the stars, what is the stars?'"

Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher!

i know a guy who was so facinated w/ tits he take two condoms, fills them w/ water, ties them together, slings them over his shoulders and wears them in a bra Kelly: you need to get out less. heh!

andy, time for the secret unix decoder handshake. * andy sodomizes Khross * Khross orgasms Okay, we can start the meeting.

imagine a mother dick feeding a whole nest of chirping baby dicks

It got dead in here. Riech, tell me a story. make it have pirates in it! Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on. Five pirates and one woman? Seems like my kind of island. All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was getting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... ... ... So they buried her.

I bet men wouldn't be so fascinated with vaginas if they secreted lima beans

Hey Lac' Sup dude? You know I went to the cinema with Claire aye She gave me a blowjob half way through really!?sweet! No dude, not fucking sweet, ? Just as I came I was looking up at the screen, and Elijah Wood aka Frodo looked right into the camera and now I've got his face burned into my memory, I feel I've just gotten head from a fucking Hobbit I'd type rofl ect but if I dont stop laughing I'll piss myself

then i heard my mum at the door and naturally i panicked right, but luckily i alt+tab'd to porn and took off my pants before she saw that i was on the microsoft website

cacti: got any porn haiku? Ejaculation Spray your load onto my face It's what's for dinner.

Ladies, I am not just a sex object!

On Cinemax tonight they're showing Shrek from 11:00 to 12:30 and then Best Sex Ever from 12:30 to 1:00. Somewhere in America parents leave their child to go to a dinner party, "Here honey, you just watch Shrek and we'll be home some time after midnight."

Don't fight for fuel, stroke your tool! that's the worst slogan anyone has ever had Touch your sack, not Iraq! I stand corrected. War is heinous, thumb your anus! http://www.masturbateforpeace.com/ This is where heroes go when they die I hate you more than anything

Let's eat Donal trump for dinner u get his dick if he has One.

level 271 penismancer demonstrating his arcane might

like im so bored let’s all wash our pussies and our dicks

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car

live your life in a way that when people find out the freaky sex shit you're into they're just like "haha yeah that definitely makes sense"

I have to say that sex ruined pornography for me. I discovered that women don't scream, "Fuck me you big-cocked cowboy!" when you touch their elbow.

lou bega beckons his son closer and whispers something as he dies. it was either Mambo number sex or mambo number six the son couldnt tell

*lugs oxygen tank up your steps* hi.. im hear..*gasp* to eat ..youre pussy

This is why I go to CNN.com. http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/08/08/porn.patriot/ index.html im not clicking on anything that says porn patriot some american.

MANLY THINGS: 1) JOHN WAYNE 2) WAR MOVIES 3) BEER BRATS 3) WAR MOVIES WITH JOHN WAYNE 4) FARTING 5) LARGE CIGARS 6) CARS 7) FIRE 8) BOWLING 9) CARS ON FIRE 10) BEAR SUIT 11) GUNS 12) GUITARS 11) ANAL SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE TOOL SHED 13) JOHN WAYNE'S GUN there's already an 11, skitzo

Masturbator's penis in hose chopped by fan blade of Hoover Dustette cleaner. This is dubbed the legend of "the Cleaner and the Leaner Wiener".

mcdonalds mcflurry in the current year is such a massive fuck you. paper cup no lid no cookies on the bottom. you gotta mix it yourself with a spoon made of recycled plastic and hatred. the spoon will break after two stirs. and then you're just sat there like fuck me i'm an idiot so you ask for another spoon and they're gonna look at you like “get a load of this guy” so you just take the second spoon silently in shame and try again. guess what. yeah fuck you thats what. second spoon breaks. now it looks like a complete skill issue. you refuse to ask for another. so you use the decapitated spoon part and shovel your half plain half grey mcflurry into your dumb face. and it has oreo essence but its not like it used to be. the world you grew around and into is dead and here you are. a fool. and they're like fucking $6 at that point just rob me at gunpoint

me and her is going to A SUPER ORGASM, OH MY FUCKING GOD WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING CUM!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me helicoptering my dick so the cops can’t triangulate my cellphone signal

OMFG My Mom just called and I sound like my dad She said "Is that you?" I said "Yea" She said "Im glad you answered cause boy am I horny!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF IM GONNA GO STAB MYSELF IN THE HEAD NOW

a chick walks by, u wish u could sex her but ya standin on the wall like u was poindexter! since when is sex a verb? i had sex isnt that a verb ? no, thats a miracle

Hey Mike what? Pussy. er? Pussy. and? Pussy. ... Pussy. i dont get it AND YOU NEVER WILL. bastard

i made a pornomovie once. though, i had such a small budget that i couldn't afford to hire any actors, so i had to act all alone. I gave the movie a name "hand".

Motorcycles mature much faster than humans, and can, with regular medical attention, live more or less forever. Given their greater speed and power, it’s only natural that the average uplifted motorcycle views humanity as a race of playthings. Perhaps a particularly interesting human might be allowed to ride a motorcycle for a time, but much like a dragon and rider there is no doubt as to who holds the power in the relationship.Not every motorcycle kills people, and many don’t rush into it, citing a desire for it to be someone special: a Christmas shopper carrying too many precarious boxes to properly see the road, someone with especially high blood pressure (a “squirter”), or maybe a tired trucker whose eighteen-wheeler’s seat is at comfortable jumping height for a motorcycle. Motorcycles like crashes with a lot of moving parts, Rube Goldberg-esque chains of cause and effect, of broken bodies and broken parts scattered across the asphalt to strike yet more bodies and parts. The scraping of steel, the screams, the gouts of burning fuel, they’re what every motorcycle fantasizes about.Again, not every motorcycle is in a hurry to kill people. But the expectation is there. Motorcycle parents asking their children when they’ll finally produce a body. Motorcycle youth urging a hesitant friend to rev the fuck up and plow into someone. The first kill is special, given an almost religious significance. Some motorcycles want to be there for their romantic/sexual partner’s first kill, and refuse to court any motorcycle who’s killed before, which is viewed as more than a little creepy by the more enlightened members of motorcycle society.And there’s this terrible double standard, too. Motorcycles that don’t kill anyone are viewed as broken or weak, but motorcycles that kill around are shamed for it too: motorcycle culture places so much importance on vehicular homicide as something special, something that really means something, not just a thing to do for fun when a motorcycle is bored. Conservative motorcycles like to claim that overkillers are devaluing and debasing the noble art of running people over in the crosswalk.Obviously that’s ridiculous and motorcycles should be allowed to kill whoever they want, whenever they want, without anyone making a big deal out of it.

MotrCycleForLife: I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

MS-DOS undergoes sex change: Now Mr-Dos.

"My dad was Dracula" you're cumming

*my dick hard as a rock* he is just drawings

my high school b-ball team dabbled in the black arts, passing the talisman of PleasureKevin from man to man,.. enhancing our pussy licking

my lawyer has just informed me that my official logo resembles an alien with a big dick. this is the My Lai Massacre of personal branding

MY TRICKY DICK MAKES THEIR GATES WATER

my vision for the nintendo punch out brand is a game where you can punch dumptsers, piles of shit & fat ugly penises and just win every time

naughty leopard breads receive sexy punish naughty leopard breads misbehaving breads

Need comfort dick due to Michael Jackson's death?? - m4w

Need info on how to be a naked human sushi platter (for a freind, not public)

hey Bamihap, lets do a singalong :D The internet is really really great FOR PORN i got a fast connection, so i dont have to wait FOR PORN there's always some new site FOR PORN i browse all day and night FOR PORN its like surfing at the speed of light FOR PORN WHY DO YOU THINK THE NET WAR BORN??? PORN PORN PORN!!!! roflol I'm glad we have this new technology FOR PORN which gives us untold opportunity FOR PORN from your own desktop, you can research browse and shop FOR PORN untill you want to stop FOR PORN ALL THESE GUYS UNZIP THEYR FLIES FOR PORN PORN PORN lmao!!! SO GRAB YOUR DICK AND DOUBLE-CLICK FOR PORN PORN PORN!!!! o.m.f.g. :D sorry shade, we masturbate ;)

niteowl7710: When I went to the website to see what the current cover niteowl7710: And I got a pop-up from Spice.net...offering me (and I quote) niteowl7710: MONSTER TITS -- THE LARGEST BREASTS ALLOWED BY LAW enigmamofm: Wow. enigmamofm: wait enigmamofm: "By law?" niteowl7710: That sir, is what it said enigmamofm: There's some sort of regulatory legislature on this issue? niteowl7710: I'm not sure but I now have a new goal in life niteowl7710: Figure out how to get a job in the Department of Health & Human Services (makes sense to me) niteowl7710: In the "Breast Measurement Bureau" niteowl7710: I'm sorry ma'am but those are just too large, I'm going to have to fine you niteowl7710: Well yes Ms. I'm sure this does just seem like titty fucking, but I assure you is a valuable tool we use here at the B.M.B. enigmamofm: You are a credit to you community sir.

No Homo We Smokin Penisas

NO MORE JOY AND NO MORE HOPEWICKED RITUALS INVOKE –BLASTING DARK AND TWISTED ROPEIN THE DEPTHS, OF MY PENIS STRONGHOLD...

No More Sex With Fruit

did you know the testes on blue whales weigh like 400 pounds? thats a hefty sack my god. just a little fun fact for you all them is some big nuts did you know that the blue whale's penis is 11 feet long? i bet the shoot loads like a fuckin cruise missle

nobody warned me you could get a disease called "Coca cola penis " from drinking too much coca cola

not even a penis ritual can save us now

nude photos of the death of everything

oh muther i can feel the cum falling out of my ballss

ok . . . I give up . . . just fuck me like a whore

ok. fucking a hamburger. having sex with a warm hamburger. cheesy hamburger sex. lettuce sex in the hamburger sex burger. having thr sex lettuce cheeseburger and fucking it. fucking thr bun. using thr hamburger fucktoy,. then and then I eat it ok. this had to be done at some point, ur just jealous I'm pioneering burger technology. also I'm the hamburger ok. yes.

*old hillbilly with long beard voice* they bout done tore my pussy UP

Olive Garden... When you're here you are nothing but a fucking sex object

Once a roach has has sex, it can lay eggs the rest of its life.

One does not simply fuck into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just anons. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Brown Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with penis and balls and discarded porno mags, the very air you breathe gives you a boner. - Boromir

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit. Amid the matted hair and edematous skin, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. Eight rusty staples were retrieved during surgery. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. Before his release from the hospital, the patient confided the rest of his story. An unmarried loner, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.

Orgasm denial. Orgasm anger. Orgasm bargaining. Orgasm depression. Orgasm acceptance.

Orgasm Notice - 3 Days to Pay or Quit

Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP? ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo? is that a euphemism? Possibly Shhh I try to be subtle about these things. in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs" dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day oh wait we're being subtle

out of jail, broke, horny

PENIS BLASTER ATTACK

penis isn't real. pussy isn't even real. the only thing that is real, is the pleasure of combat

Penis Raise

People, is something wrong with me because I have aquiared a taste for harder porn, normal porno doesn't do it for me anymore I like to beat off to beastiality and old grandma porn while I strangle myself with a belt, just wondering is it OK? ( have a 40GB hard drive and and 24GB is all hard porn so far) Thanks

my favorite country song is "i fucked my horse on a sunday morning" my fave country song is "Its midnight in montana, and i cant get my dick out of this cow" *** You were kicked by sandk1ng (i like the song "i kicked my friend for makin fun of music i listen to")

PERSONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT COURSES 1100 Creative Suffering 1103 Guilt Without Sex 1104 The Primal Shrug C800 How to Draw Genitalia E406 Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity 1434 Bonsai Your Pet F234 Looters Guide to American Cities

Ph-Ph-Ph-Phone Sex

pharoahs fuck better because they ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh put the pussy in a scarmophogoghs

also what is wrong with keeping your penis in a woman * Philgone strokes his cabbage patch doll toasty warm is her name cynthia veronica picklesbury? no.. roland

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story? Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night. Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed. Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life. Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers. Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world. Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies. Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch

please eat enough and drink enough water and get enough sleep. this is so that you have enough energy. because we need you to be writing and drawing porn on the internet

Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one. It's fine to be proud of it. But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around. And PLEASE don't try to shove it down children's throats.

Post-sex cigarette is lame. Best thing to have after sex is a peanut

The vet supervisor was asking me to jack off a horse to get the semen to artificially inseminate a female horse. wtf lol But listen! This was a racehorse, so the owner says that I need to massage it's prostate. I'm assuming you don't know this, but the prostate on a horse is VERY fucking far back there. So, I get on the arm-length glove and I look in the room to see another doctor with a cat or something. Tells me we had too many animals so the horse was moved to a room close to the front. Well, I get there, and I put my arm in this horse's ass. I'm talkin' less than a foot from my shoulder deep. All in clear view. ROFLMAO And then some redneck couple come in and they see me because this front room has shit protection on it. "You a vet?" The guy ask. I wait a few seconds to see if he was joking, but then I look back to the horse's asshole. "Nah, I'm with the Amish. I'm their mechanic."

oh my god i just hit the print button instead of save on some porn and its printing out on my moms printer and im upstairs and cant do anything about it

PRO TIP: No matter how good of a writer you think you are, you are not a better writer than the original script writers for The Gummi Bears cartoon. People are reading your story because they want to jerk off to Spock having sex with Captain Janeway, not because they wondered where they would go on their first date.

PS: If you are looking for porn on this page you can fuck off aswel.

she was a fast machine she kept her penis clean she was the best half woman that I ever seen

pussy corrosive

pussy so good im standing

Pussy so tight it caused people to dying

i got a speech from my latin teacher about how in europe its commonplace for men to cry and crying is so special i asked her if she wanted me to cry for her and she said no, stop being a pussy this is america

Q: Why do the driver's education classes in West Virginia only use the car on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex ed class has it.

how do they deal with dice rolling you need vr dice. they're usb. then you put on these special glvoes and roll them acrtoss a vr desk. no, ass, you click a button and the dice are rolled for you i meant the randomization of the dice being rolled i've never heard of a computer spitting out a random number or a random quote never. qrg: cat /dev/urandom thus, random numbers from dice == impossible it's not like computers generate photorealistic motion pictures or perform millions and billions and trillions of intense calculations per second i seriously doubt they could simulate die being rolled i mean jesus, they control the stockmarket and most modern finance, big business, corporations but as far as picking two random numbers from 1 to 6 it's fucking unfathomable. until computers can acccurately model the behavior of a giant glob of cum entering the earth's atmosphere, computer science has failed.

Radiation poisoning but in a sex way. Is this anything???

Rant: My giant dick

RATT - They began in a one bedroom apartment. "You should have seen how hard it was to have sex there", exclaimed Robbin, the king Ratt. When asked what life on the road was like, he answered, "Sodom and Gomorrah". -- from the PMRC's list of dangerous rock musicians, 1985

RAVE: My Horny Applebee's Lunch

I tried setting my hotmail password to penis. It said my password wasn't long enough. :(

Reactions to small dick!

Oy I had a bad night I couldn't sleep, and had no idea what to do. My parents are still awake, it was midnight, and I was bored. So then I remembered that I had a drama presentation the next class and I played a rich guy so I needed a suit. I take out my suit, and get dressed. You know, the works. I even took out my top hat and my cane. Now it gets a little weird. I had to go downstairs in order to see how I looked as it's the only place with a full body mirror. My parents sleep on the same floor as me so I didn't want to wake them up. So I got this idea. I decided to turn on my TV so that my parents thought people were talking outside, and my footsteps would be noises they were making. I thought it would work, I was tired. I ran downstairs, checked myself out. I looked fine, so I went back into my room Now by then the running in a suit had made me kind of itchy (down south), so I quickly undo my pants and release what was stuck and to relieve my itch with my hand. And my mom opens the door to the room and all I do is freeze in surprise I don't know what she was thinking, but I can tell you the following It was midnight, I was in a suit and top hat, and I appeared to be jacking off to George from Seinfeld. And my mom just stood there in disbelief I can't tell you what ensued, but it involved attempted exorcism and lots of crying Best night ever

<_Riddler_> i was in the grocery store today <_Riddler_> and I got this boner <_Riddler_> I dunno <_Riddler_> Maybe it was the melons Riddler: YOU SAW THE CARROTS

RIP. Died after kicking a hacky sack over the roof of a Wendys then catching it on the other side, thus drowning in pussy immediately after.

I put the F in spelling i put the cum in company I put the fun in funeral I put the myself in killing myself

as soon as i wake up, i'm going to the atm to get 200 bucks.. then i'm ordering a whore haha roman no you're not dude, i called one today and she was like "do you need company for tonight?" and i was like "well, maybe" and she was like "for 200, i stay an hour and a half, we get naked and we get nasty" you order them like pizza, dude

[ron`] Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll fuck you with a rake

RUDOLF GIULIANI: PROSECUTOR AS PARTY POOPER Memo, from The Boat Ride Committee: We are once again oversubscribed for the summer boat ride by more than 100 people. We therefore need your help in reducing the number of attendees. Anonymous parody memo circulated as if official: "Some confusion has apparently arisen concerning the precise meaning of the term 'significant other,' as expressed in today's previous memorandum about authorized attendees at the boat ride. By 'significant other,' we mean truly significant others, i.e., persons with whom you have slept within the past month. By 'slept with', we mean sexual relations, including but not limited to sexual intercourse and oral sex. Only those others who satisfy this definition of 'significant' will be allowed to board the boat." Memo from Rudolf Giuliani himself: "Apparently the office was circulated today with a memo concerning Monday's boat ride that may have been intended as humor or as a practical joke. It was neither humorous nor a joke. In fact, it was distasteful and upsetting to many."

santa i know this is an odd request but i believe w/ a little christmas magic, any things possioble. I need you to shrink my dick by 2 inchs

searching for bumbling sex dork

Sept 11: Naked. It's what I woke up to.

Sex havers with penises be like let me cram my thingy in

Sex havers with uncut penis are like. The cloaked cyclops weeps

Sex havers with vaginas are like. The many layered beast must swallow you whole

SEX WITH RICHARD NIXON... - m4w

she commit acts of intercourse on my erogeneous zones until i achieve sexual climax

show me how those tits fart

single male ISO medium to large pussy

Skittish hottie seeks guy with tiny penis

I think the people above me are having sex either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.

I made my hamster cum by tickling his winky once

So I'm here at CL with a big – and I mean a MIGHTY big – FUCK YOU TO THE BASTARD RAT at my bathroom window!!!

Some suit and tie is sitting in an office somewhere getting out the lube so that he may ass fuck you....not me. SUPPLY AND DEMAND PEOPLE!!!!

Somehow sexy where it should be repulsive.

something i find very sexy about lava lamps is how they're not even really lamps, at least in the traditional sense- they don't produce much light, you'd need a crazy amount of them to light up a room by themselves, they're really more of a moving sculpture, a mesmerizing piece of art that's only purpose is to be looked at, to entertain with their pretty colors and the novelty of their flowing wax and unique shape, they exist solely for visual pleasure (and well, i find they're very nice to touch too but i'm not sure that was intended by their creators lol)

Sometimes I get so horny I actually touch myself sexually

sometimes it's like nobody even wants to cut a hole in me and fuck me through it

Sometimes sexy is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes it's having the most eyes.

Sometimes when I'm taking a shower I look down at my little ass dick and I just start crying.

Sonic pornography DODES exist, there's just very little of it (4 images!)

"SORRY BOYS!"
your cum tributes of me are highly inept, trite, and bogus. Futher more, they look like dog shit. Do better

Sorry for running naked thru the neighborhood

sorry man its nothing personal but if i dont kill you my cursed sword will call me a pussy

theres nothing quite like the feeling of a 60 year old woman shoving her cold, gloved, ky-jellied-up fingers up your vagina trying to touch your cervix

spell books that teach you how to suck dick evil style

spell-checking is sexy and 10 other aphrodisiacs

SPREAD THE WORD!!!!!!! STOP KONY!!!!!! THIS IS WAYYYY MORE IMPORTANT THAN PORN!!!!!!!!!

Where the hell is sumez. Using an anonymous vagina, as are most Danish guys. Do they not have VD there or something? They are VD. So it's really Danish guys ravaging my penis right now? Most likely...Did you stick it into a Danish girl? I think I used a breakfast danish to masturbate the other day... Pff, obviously that's what it is. You're supposed to use AMERICAN pie.

Still masturbating to this after 6 years!!!!

*stumbling down my tower steps with my wizard breasts bouncing*

super mario sex - w4m

i just masterbaited so hard my papercut reopened and then I got semen in my papercut. <[SA]thatdog> i just masturbaited so hard there is semen all over my roommate <[sa]hack_the> I just masturbated so hard there is semen all over my living room <[SA]CrazyAchmed> I just masturbated so hard there is semen all over YOUR living room <[sa]evensevenone> i just masterbated so hard my cock fell off <[sa]mrpeabody0> i just masturbated so hard my guitar exploded. <[SA]thatdog> i just masturbaited so hard mrpeabody's cock fell off <[SA]StupidWhore> i just masturbated <[sa]evensevenone> stupid: you're behind the curve there tiger

survival tip: shave your butt and draw some nips on your cheeks for emergency porn.

Opoth: you're just angry cause i didn't sex you up last night now keep it out of here it's not MY fault it went limp YOU DIDN"T SHAVE and unshaven anuses turn me off

I had this dream once... Where my penis grew teeth and attacked me. dude Your penis is cool. I want Taiken's penis .. That sounded so wrong. Yeah.

[taking you aside in the group masturbation vc] this place is a den of vipers... you are the only one I can trust

tatsumio: itd be pretty neat to have a vagina somehwere on my body that I could have sex with Oogy Boots: :O tatsumio: and the vagina got the full orgasmic effects too tatsumio: imagine. Oogy Boots: and you thought I was a freak! tatsumio: double orgasm CyAteon: if it was on his arm or something would be really weird. CyAteon: not only would you be having sex with your arm CyAteon: but your arm would orgasm Oogy Boots: LOL CyAteon: unf unf unf unf ARGGGGGGHARARHGA

THANKFUL FOR ALL THIS PUSSY

Thats the boogeyman he slapped egon on the tits

the breast women of titfuck archipelago

The butt is a sex organ using it for shitting is disgusting and wrong. I have all mine removed surgically or prayed away by PRAYER WARRIORS

the dick sucking cuddler would like to rest its head on your tummy with no ulterior motive whatsoever

THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM COULD BE PENIS SIZE DISSATISFACTION!!

the sexual tension of bilbo smoking a pipe with gandalf in fellowship of the ring and when bilbo blows a smoke ring gandalf blows a ship that goes through the smoke ring. good god.

The Sexy Tub Shart Incident - m4w

the thing most fiction gets wrong about wizards is that almost all of them would probably be perverts or at least 80%. i think magic mastery is like learning to artistically render realistic teeth or feet where you really just aren't going to be motivated to do it for non-fetish reasons most of the time. i look at that hat and i know that guy has at least three kinks that aren't fully translatable from the runes of arcana. nobody wears that big of a hat without being a sex freak

The Zex Temple is a continuum of psychic power which can be used to solve the lofty philosophical quandaries of the ages, aid in the mutation & evolution of the human organism, slay the ignorance perpetuating organized religion, promote absolute psycho-sexual freedom, and eliminate those who dare to threaten creative expression across the planet. What does the blank faced academician know of astral projection, Karmic balance, precognition, and psychic warfare? Those fools who merely break away from organized religion and, like a jilted lover, fall into the tentacles of alternative belief systems which deductively utilize the word ''magic'' are pawns in a metaphysical chess game.

New Game! add the word "anal" to the beginning of car names. Anal Jamboree, Anal Explorer, Anal Pulsar, Anal Prelude, Anal Adventurer, Anal Legacy, Anal Nexus, Anal Swift lol, Anal Jazz, Anal Ram, Anal Probe Anal Bandit, Anal Forester, Anal Laser, Anal Escort, Anal Sovereign, Anal Beetle, Anal Golf, Anal Samurai Anal Eclipse, Anal Discovery, Anal Wrangler, Anal Ambassador, Anal Vanquish, Anal Vagrant, Anal Diablo Comedy Gold... Anal Trooper lol lmao

There's no better way to absolutely spoil a perfectly wonderful roast than by overcooking the vagina and uterus.

there's something about porno that feels almost sexually titillating

There's something disturbingly sexy about this

theyre suckin dicks for free out here its like dogs eating dogs out here

this girl must have pussy like a pizza bc Everytime she fucks me I have little seizures

This guy sucks lets all have sex with him at the same time until he dies#japanese honeybees seeing a giant hornet

This is the secret missing episode of the Angry Video Game Nerd. It was never released because it was too damn sexy. Warning you must be 85 years old and must have eaten 57 crates of camel shit to view.

This isn't a political position this is literally just your fetish and I know for a fact you were jerking off while typing up this post.

This party is popping like pussy and popcorn.

This site contains stories in which you will find depictions of violence and explicit sexual content. And sanity-shattering horrors from beyond time and space. And 800 foot women bent on seduction and destruction. And amorous werewolves. And evil enema-wielding nurses. And... well, you get the picture. It is not suitable for children. Or fundamentalist religious types. Or sane people. In fact maybe you better just leave right now before it's too late. Really. You have been warned.

three sweet and dare i say it sexy fish need a new home.

to be honest, i don’t think his cum has an entirely liquid texture

to imagine me eating pussy imagine a pig going wild on a watermelon

To my neighbors: please have louder sex

To the girl with the vagina - m4w

To the tailgating cop who ruined my blowjob on the QEW

I challenge you to a duel. Penises, at dawn. but battling against an unarmed opponent is so unfair

Top Ten Things NOT to look for in a roommate: Oozing lesions. People with a `weird thing' for fires. Uncontrolable nose dripping. Someone who's never heard of Nintendo. Practices routine ritual sacrifices. An actual SUSCRIBER to PBS. Someone who's last 15 roommates have mysteriously disappeared. Wears 'Depends Undergarments' for the fun of it. Preforms bizarre sexual practices with livestock.

Trauma Kittten: OMG MY CAT JUST JIZZED ON ME Trauma Kittten: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW lordviram: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah lordviram: wtf didi you do to it? lordviram: i didnt know you were into all that lordviram: lol lordviram: wow Trauma Kittten: well he's a longhair cat Trauma Kittten: and sometimes his pants get matted Trauma Kittten: so i was holding him on my lap Trauma Kittten: and he was purring with his eyes closed and i'm like trying to untangle them Trauma Kittten: then i realized one of the bunches wasn't a tangle, it was his nuts Trauma Kittten: they both kinda feel the same Trauma Kittten: then my hand gets a glob of clear stuff on it lordviram: wow Trauma Kittten: i'm gonna kill myself lordviram: that's just lordviram: hahahahaha Trauma Kittten: i just jerked my cat off lordviram: i'd say something but nothing can really add to the effect of admitting you just jerked off your cat Trauma Kittten: heh.... Trauma Kittten: i'm surprised that one didn't make it to your profile heh lordviram: that's cuz i'm gonna post that to bash.org lordviram: LOL Trauma Kittten: ! lordviram: ....wow Trauma Kittten: OH NO Trauma Kittten: the cat is back Trauma Kittten: heh lordviram: maybe it wants to return the favor lordviram: heh Trauma Kittten: well there was one site i saw where it recommended putting whipped cream on your clit and letting em lick it off Trauma Kittten: but i wouldn' go that far, i don't think lordviram: you dont think? lordviram: o.0 lordviram: well. you did just jack off your cat. Trauma Kittten: BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD Trauma Kittten: i was just trying to make him have nice pants lordviram: you are one freaky chick

Tries to throw a punch at you and accidentally grabs your penis and starts jerking you off real good

Question 3. A man's beard grows fastest when he ______? <_Cozmo_> shaves it shaves jacks off Here's a hint: antici anticipates sex Rjx got the answer: anticipates sex. In: 5.7secs. wtf?

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken or you could just look at porn

true computer nerd seeks true love, or better yet, true extramarital sex

trying very hard to stuff your soul back thru your pussy

*two pool toys having sex tumble by in the wind* oh thank god

UGH!!!! DISGUSTING! I HATE THE INTERNET! NOT LOOKING UP PORN FOR 2 MINUTES! UGH! GOD MAN! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHY THE FUCK UPLOAD THAT JESUS CHRIST! MY EYES JUST PUKED! UGH! BLUGH!

Ugly Naked Man

um, can you put that pussy on a coaster? thanks

Unless Pac Man hits it now, hes going to have to satisfy himself by fucking her eyes like 2 disembodied tits. True story.

when I can figure out how to compile sex, we're going to be rich so true geeks everywhere will be so happy "download the latest binary of sex for Linux, or build it from source" ummm build from source with my options I'd have the longest configure line you've ever seen --swallow=yes ./configure --with-toys -- damnit..I wasn't done --enable-plugins oh yah --outside=yes --set-max-users=10 --set-max-female-users=10

Vagina seeks Penis

I'd jack off in the middle of a circular buttsex chain for a klondike bar ... ... ... ...

walked in on 2 jpegs having sex in my recycle bin

Warning: It seems to be for one sexual preference only.

Watch where your stepping, dick 4 balls

we have GOT to bring back campy horny grimy tactile scifi. this is a national fucking emergency

We never had Raiden porn this good a decade ago.

We're gonna have an orgasm denial party and no, you can't come.

well i was going to climb mount everest but this yelp review says theres a nude man at the summit swinging chains around and yelling "fuck u

"When I think back to Contra, I'm not just remembering the '80s. I'm remembering that time in the 2000s when I was remembering the '80s. It's a memory that's been photocopied countless times. It's been through many filters and distortions. There's even major holes when I forgot about Contra for a bit. You know what happened to my original cartridge? I sold it. I sold it. Sometime after the N64 came out, I took a handful of my games and I brought them over to the local Funcoland. They offered me 7 bucks for Contra, and I accepted. You know what I did with that 7 bucks? Went over to the deli, and bought a sandwich. To this day, I'll never remember any details of that sandwich. Did it, um, have lettuce? Uh… was it any good? I don't know. Today, if you were to ask me "hey, you remember that sandwich?", I'd say, "I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about." But Contra… that sticks with me. And even if I had to part with it for a while, sometimes you have to temporarily forget about something, before you fall in love with it again. And when you come back to it… it's the same as it was. Even though everything else has changed. Life has changed. The world has changed. But sealed in that plastic slab, is a time capsule of your youth, fossilized in ROM data on a circuit board. It's read-only memory, the type that doesn't change. As soon as you pop that fucker in your NES, you're back. You're back… to an innocent summer day, with no such thing as Internet. Instead, you and your friends are running around with Nerf guns and Super Soakers, pretending you're the guys from Contra. You're standing on a swing, holding on to its chains, like a ladder of a helicopter. Ya jump off, rolling into the grass, the jungle. If it's not that, you're setting up GI Joe figures in the mud, to stage epic battles. That skill you had, of creating a fantasy land out of nothing, that wild imagination and backyard adventure was fueled by those pixelated military dudes blasting away alien creatures and robots. That's what Contra's all about. And, maybe, you lost touch with those old friends, but when you play that game once more, ya think of them again. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere, in some part of the world… they're remembering it too. Almost as if they're still sitting on the living room floor beside you. And maybe ya had a grandparent, or family member who you lost, and they're still watching ya play. Even as strangers, we can have a shared connection of talking about old games, and… that is nothing to be angry about. That joy in its simplest form comes down to simply asking someone, "hey, remember Contra?" And the answer… is "fuck yeah!"

when i told u all i had to get my dick surgicly shortened b/c i slept on it wrong and injured it, i opened myself to you, and you Spat on me

When the pee sesh so good you start cumming!

when you jack off to planes w/boobs AGAIN after you promised yourself you'd STOP!!! :(

which mario enemy has the most sex. anser me

while you were busy jacking off & cumming hard. it rained outside beautifully

whoever came up with shaving pussy should be put to death

Who’s in Baltimore and can spare some pussy

Why cucumbers are better than men!!!!!!! The average cucmber stays hard for a week. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. A cucumber doesn't ask, "Am I the first". Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're not a virgin anymore. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. Cucumbers never need a round of applause. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the fridge when your mother comes over. No matter how old you are you can always get another cucumber. A cucumber will never give you a hickey. Cucumbers can stay up all night...and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold. Cucumbers don't have mid-life crisis. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. It's easy to drop a cucumber.

Why is it that he ALWAYS thinks about DOUGHNUTS (Notice the spelling you illiterate douches) during sex? It seems to me that even though he LOVES doughnuts so much he ates every doughnut to exist (While in Hell) and still wants more... He'd still have other intersts... Like, for example... SEX!!! If he wasn't interested in it over food, his kids wouldn't exist and he wouldn't be married. Also, there wouldn't be an episode with him and Marge humping in public places... OR; at the VERY LEAST... Shouldn't he be thinking about beer, TV, beef jerky, or bowling? Makes sense to me.

WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: HEY I LIKE EASY GOING GUY, KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BUT CAN ALSO BE SEXY AS ALL GET OUT.

Wife + Kids = No Sex and the Departure of My Sanity

wife on delivery room table screaming, husband holding her hand, doctor yelling PUSH, little steaming red hot car drives out of her pussy

WILL I GET MAD PUSSY OR WILL I GET THE PUSSY MAD?!?!??!!?

Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_.

WTF is Mormon pussy made of to be having 21 children

Y0UR PILLS ARE BEING HELD IN AN INEXPENSIVE DIGITAL CABLE DESCRAMBLER BOX GUARDED BY TEENY TITS CARRYING EXPLOSIVE LOADS.

yeah , just take this big metal trash can ive strapped to my dick off and just spray piss everywhere. just take it off. great idea fuck face

"yeah this movie is a real tearjerker" - me holding a dvd of Crying Masturbating Men 7

yes my lego castle has a sex dungeon. is that a problem officer?

Yes!!!!!!!!! The war against Sudam Husane is over!!!!! The Americans caught the real Sadam Husane. I'm so Happy!!!!!! Things will be bad without you here every one holds you so very dear without you my advice sounds tart PLEASE DON'T LEAVE SWEETHEART!!!! i am happy to i hope they KILL HIM YEA U TELL DEM GIIIG I'M 1/3 GOOD ANGEL AND 1/3 DEVIL'S CHILD AND 1/3 SEXY MAMA HOLLAR BACK YALL!! YEA YEA I AM HAPPY 2 . I'M 1/3 GOOD ANGEL AND 1/3 DEVIL'S CHILD AND 1/3 SEXY MAMA HOLLAR BACK YALL!!

YO *points to spinal cord on brain diagram* THATS THE BRAIN;S DICK

you can't take away my guns how else can i overcompensate for my absurdly tiny penis

you dare cum? in my realm?

you dress like fred flintstone and your opinion to me is worth dog dick

"You know, like shovin' your dick in and out of the openings in the meat. Then, like, getting a bunch of smelly, sticky cream of tubesteak all over the junk that you grind into foodburgers," I informed him.

you looked sexy even though......you were having a seizure. it was in the hair care section at the noe valley walgreens.

You might have seen me in some of the more popular low budget pornography.

YOU PEOPLE REPLUSE ME!! GET A WOMAN TO FUCK, STOP JERKING OFF. YOU ARE A SICK BUNCH OF MOTHERFUCKERS.

You really are the cum of the earth, you truly are the cream of the cock

you really do meet some of the loveliest people talking about blood and sex on the internet

You Suck dick face. Texas. Black Texas for ever. dickless yankee

you will not receive a hint of pussy. for FIFTY MOONS

your 'jerking it to the smell of isopropyl alcohol' post has me remembering how i used to be so ashamed of having any sexual desires that i only allowed myself to jack off to the mental image of an arial drone shot of a pine forest

Your dick pic cured my breast cancer - w4m

President's Day (quotes)

2020: america elects the first Shirtless president

Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potato,' how's it spelled? You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya go...alright! -- Vice President Dan Quayle, correcting a student's correct spelling of "potato" during an elementary school spelling bee

And the President put his hand on my shoulder and said: "Dan, I knew Spiro Agnew. He was a friend of mine. And Dan... You're no Spiro Agnew!" -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Are they taking DDT? -- Vice President Dan Quayle, asking doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice (NY Post, early May 1992)

assmuncher: any idea who's in the running for president next election? sinistercanadian: ahhnold sinistercanadian: he sneaks into the capitol building every night and re arranges 7 letters on the constitution sinistercanadian: by mid 2007 he will be eligible for president

becoming president just to put lumen, decibel, and size restrictions on vehicles.

Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO

Certainly I know what to do, and when I am vice-president--and I will be--there will be contingency plans under different situations. And I'll tell you what--I'm not going to go out and have a news conference about it, I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer the question? -- Vice President Dan Quayle, on what he'd do if he suddenly became president, Oct. 10 1988

Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

For NASA, space is still a high priority. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, September 1990

fun fact about me: When I was 6 years old I sent so much hate mail to the president (the second Bush) that the mail carrier had to tell my mom I needed to stop before we got FBI’d

I also had a poor grasp on how stamps worked, so given that I wasn’t allowed to continually throw money away by putting stamps on my presidential hate mail, a lot of the times I just drew squares with little pictures inside on the corner.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of interest. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South African Indian doll that, when lifted, displays an erection

I deserve respect for the things I did not do. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, defending his opinions about the TV show Murphy Brown

I happen to be a Republican president- ah, the vice president. -- Vice President Dan Quayle (Newsweek, 4/9/90)

I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

I love California, I practically grew up in Pheonix -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, "You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word." -- Vice President Dan Quayle (actually quoting President Andrew Jackson)

I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very close, personal, loyal relationship. I'm not, as they say, a potted plant in these meetings. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, defending himself (Tampa Tribune-Times, 1/7/90)

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I think especially in her position, a highly successful professional woman, it would be a real exception to have an unwed child. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, on Murphy Brown

I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, trying to convince reporters the economy was improving because a Burger King had a "now hiring" sign in the window, January 1992

I will never have another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, during the Bentsen debate

I WILL NOT WAIT OUT ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION BEFORE IT GETS UPDATED AGAIN!" To summarize: update the Best Of, please.

I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress... -- Vice President Dan Quayle, responding to a reporter's question about his use of Air Force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour

I'm the Vice-President. They know it, and they know that I know it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, gloating that he now has the upper hand over political enemies, Mar. 13 1989

I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisconsin

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

If you're wondering about the dragon president in Shadowrun continuity his name was Dunkelzahn but he canonically used the internet handle "The Big D" and hosted a radio talk show for decades before he ran for president on an anti-racism, anti-poverty campaign. He was president for ten hours before he was assassinated but this may have been ritualistic self sacrifice to seal away some kind of cosmic horror thingy and save the world.

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

It would be a serious mistake to replace a seasoned statesman with a tempermental tycoon who has no respect for the constitution. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, on Ross Perot's presidential campaign, June 1992

It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing, so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, remarks to oil spill clean-up workers at Prince William Sound, May 1989

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.

if I wsa president, I would change the "In God We Trust" to "In Goats We Thrust"

Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that would help you, they were dressed up in things that said 'I believe in Santa Claus.' And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in George Bush. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, at a garden center in Baltimore

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Maybe you guys will get lucky this year and face the Orioles in the World Series -- Vice President Dan Quayle, encouraging the Milwaukee Brewers after throwing out the season's opening pitch

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right -- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition

Need any help? -- Vice President Dan Quayle, in October 1991, addressing a crowd right after an announced 74,000 layoffs

No, I had no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state - though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was in high school. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

nobody has seen the president in three days [burping and rubbing my president shaped tummy] that's crazy

Ok, I won't open it until then -- Vice President Dan Quayle, after being presented with an empty box that was to contain a gift from a South American sailing team, which he was told wasn't ready yet

People who Bowl Vote. Bowlers are not the cultural elite. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, at a Las Vegas bowling alley, where he bowled 5 frames and knocked down 19 pins total

you know you're a geek when you read the headline "Bush won't order ports reopened" and think they are talking about a firewall "By order of the President of the United States of America, -A input -p boats -l -j reject."

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

Sam, had a great time this weekend but the golf was lousey. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, handwritten note to Sam Snead after a round of golf, summer 1991

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."

Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments - which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, [...] -- Vice President Dan Quayle, asked to define "target prices" (his press secretary cut the conference short after 2:30)

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle (The New Yorker, October 10, 1988)

The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you like a puppy? -- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times, 5/21/89)

[The U.S. victory in the Gulf War was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, April 1991

There are US Senators dying who have never died before

US President Laughing Skull, when pressed for comment, responded predictably

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Want to hear a sad story about the Dukakis campaign? The governor of Massachusetts, he lost his top naval advisor last week. His rubber ducky drowned in the bath tub. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, demonstrating his sophisticated wit, Sep. 13 1988

We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur -- Vice President Dan Quayle, September 1990

We're delighted to be here, Barbara and I. There's a danger: You have President Reagan, Governor Deukmejian, and George Bush. Watch out - Overdose of charisma! That's not too good. -- George H.W. Bush, at a campaign rally in Los Angeles

We're in Florida. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, explaining why he'd just bought four peaches (and no citrus) at a Florida supermarket. The peaches were from Chile.

Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the 1989 San Francisco earthquake

What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, speaking to the United Negro College Fund

Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable. -- Vice President Dan Quayle (Dubcek was actually the leader of the Prague Spring)

Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters! -- Vice President Dan Quayle, giving his analysis of the LA riots

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital he pronounced "Pogo Pogo"