Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Emily, I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net.
I tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called
for his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him
fired. Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
A: Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch
computer experts who will understand the net, and your problems,
perfectly. They will print careful, reasoned stories without any
errors at all, and surely represent the situation properly to the
public.
Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well
that they understand that all things on the net, particularly insults,
are meant literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of
the Holocaust, if possible. If regular papers won't take the story,
go to a tabloid paper -- they are always interested in good stories. -- Dear Emily Postnews
QFT / Oh god, I just said QFT. / If you love me, you'll kill me.
Q: How about an example?
A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think
rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be
interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it
belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or
there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He
is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are
also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post
to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre
as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any
articles there.) -- Dear Emily Postnews
Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to
do?
A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message
that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages
that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. -- Dear Emily Postnews
Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to
do?
A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the
message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that
sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent
messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.
If possible, count votes from a leaf site with a once-a-week polled
connection to botswanavax. Schedule the vote during your relay site's
head crash if possible. -- Dear Emily Postnews
Q: I have this great joke. You see, these three strings walk into a
bar...
A: Oh dear. Don't spoil it for me. Submit it to rec.humor, and post
it to the moderator of rec.humor.funny at the same time. I'm sure he's
never seen that joke, and I know he loves to have jokes sent to
rec.humor and rec.humor.funny at the same time. -- Dear Emily Postnews
QR Code Link to This Post VACANCY - WOMB FOR RENT **************************** Hi Gentlemen, My name is Maggie.
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the
Republican V.P. candidate. Should I post?
A: Of course. The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days. It's
the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the
broadcast networks have covered them. As you are probably the only
person to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as
you can. -- Dear Emily Postnews
<Quad> [Two men are standing face to face. One man is with a woman who looks suspvcisouly like a prostitute. Money is exchanged, and the woman leaves with the second man]
<Quad> Fur trader
<Quad> [Molson drops from the sky]
<Quad> Budweiser
<Quad> Molson....Canadian for Budweiser
<quarterz> "if you email me, i will kill all your processes. if you telephone me, i will kill all your processes and delete all your files. if you stop by to see me, i will kill all your processes, delete all your files, and remove your account."
Quayle takes oath of office and leaves out a line. Marilyn's hat, which resembles dogfood dish, blows off. -- from a chronological Quayle primer, Jan. 20 1989
Queen Elizabeth: Charles, I AM YOUR FATHER / Charles: You don't say!!! Jolly good!!!
quest ce que cest a little immigrant now they are coming by bottle
QUESTION. Did Jehovah change the canes of the Egyptian
magicians into snakes?
ANSWER. I suppose he did, as he is the only one capable of
performing such a miracle. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. Do we know where the Garden of Eden was, and have we
ever found any place where a "river parted and became into four
heads"?
ANSWER. We are not certain where this garden was, and the
river that parted into four heads cannot at present be found.
Infidels have had a great deal to say about these four rivers, but
they will wish they had even one, one of these days. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. Do you believe the story of Jonah to be a true
account of a literal fact?
ANSWER. Certainly. You must remember that Jonah was not
swallowed by a whale. God "prepared a great fish" for that
occasion. Neither is it by any means certain that Jonah was in the
belly of this whale. "He probably stayed in his mouth." Even if he
was in his stomach, it was very easy for him to defy the ordinary
action of gastric juice by rapidly walking up and down. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. Do you think that Jonah was really in the whale's
stomach?
ANSWER. My own opinion is that he stayed in his mouth. The
only objection to this theory is, that it is more reasonable than
the other and requires less faith. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. Do you think that Lot's wife was changed into salt?
ANSWER. Of course she was. A miracle was performed. A few
centuries ago, the statue of salt made by changing Lot's wife into
that article, was standing. Christian travelers have seen it. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. How deep was the water?
ANSWER. About five miles.
QUESTION. How much did it rain each day?
ANSWER. About eight hundred feet; though the better opinion
now is, that it was a local flood. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. How did vegetation grow without sunlight?
ANSWER. My own opinion is, that it was either "nourished by
the glare of volcanoes in the moon;" or [...] "sufficient
light might have been emitted by the crystallization of rocks."
QUESTION. If the light of which you speak was sufficient, why
was the sun made?
ANSWER. To keep time with. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. How long did it take God to make the universe?
ANSWER. Six "good-whiles."
QUESTION. How long is a "good-while"?
ANSWER. That will depend upon the future discoveries of
geologists. "Good-whiles" are of such a nature that they can be
pulled out, or pushed up; and it is utterly impossible for any
infidel, or scientific geologist, to make any period that a
"good-while" won't fit. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. How, then, do you account for the fact that, before
the forbidden fruit was eaten, an evil serpent was in the world?
ANSWER. Perhaps apples had been eaten in other worlds. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. How were the people prevented from succeeding?
ANSWER. God confounded their language, so that the mason on
top could not cry "mort'!" to the hod-carrier below; he could not
think of the word to use, to save his life, and the building
stopped. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. If it was a local flood, why did they put birds of
the air into the ark? Certainly, birds could have avoided a local
flood?
ANSWER. If you take this away from us, what do you propose to
give us in its place? Some of the best people of the world have
believed this story. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
question marks in file names
Question one, why does it matter if it has three bullets? Question two, What gun can be FILLED with three bullets?
Questions for the serious anime artist...
QUESTION. Was such conduct Godlike?
ANSWER. Certainly. If you have anything against your neighbor,
it is perfectly proper to torture his horse, or torment his dog.
Nothing can be nobler than this. You see it is much better to
injure his animals than to injure him. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. Were our first parents under the immediate
protection of an infinite God? Why did he not protect them? Why did
he not warn them of this snake?
ANSWER. You must remember that, although God made Adam and Eve
perfectly good, still he was very anxious to test them. [...]
A being of infinite wisdom tries experiments. Knowing exactly what
will happen, he wishes to see if it will. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. What kind of man was Abram?
ANSWER. If you wish to know, read the twelfth chapter of
Genesis; and if you still have any doubt as to his character, read
the twentieth chapter of the same book, and you will see that he
was a man who made merchandise of his wife's body. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. What was the object of making woman out of man's
side?
ANSWER. So that a young man would think more of a neighbor's
girl than of his own uncle or grandfather. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
QUESTION. Who made you?
ANSWER. Jehovah, the original Presbyterian.
QUESTION. Did he make the world out of nothing?
ANSWER. No.
QUESTION. What did he make it out of?
ANSWER. Out of his "omnipotence." [...] Of course this is
perfectly absurd when we remember that he always had his
"omnipotence;" and that is, undoubtedly, the material used. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
Question: why do people call them "tea baggers"? Doesn't that imply that they're the winners, or in some kind of dominant position? I thought the phrase was supposed to be pejorative?
QUESTION. Why, then, did he make them?
ANSWER. He made them for his own glory, and no man should
disgrace his parents by denying it. -- "The Talmagian Catechism", Robert G. Ingersoll, 1882
Quick, almost retarded question about hugs.
Quick everyone get in my asshole
Quick while the astronauts are no-transmission behind the moon let's arrange the continents into a funny shape
Quite. And then we can become as cultured as our allies and as organized.
quite literally fucking anything can happen right now
Pangaea will reform
*** Quits: F-D-P (ME AM USA! KTHKX TOUCHDOWN! whatever...)
Q: What computer should I buy? An Atari ST or an Amiga?
A: Cross post that question to the Atari and Amiga groups. It's an
interesting and novel question that I am sure they would love to
investigate in those groups. -- Dear Emily Postnews
Q:What did the Porta-potty say to the chicken? A:I don't know either, the chicken didn't listen to well, so he couldn't tell me. Apparently the porta-potty was full of shit.
Q: What does foobar stand for?
A: It stands for you, dear. -- Dear Emily Postnews
Q- What does F.U.C.K. stand for?
A- F.U.C.K. stands for Fucked Up College Kids. They are primarily written
by people attending college classes.
Q- How long has this group been around?
A- The group was born on January 24th, 1993 in an IHOP located at 19th
and University, in Lubbock, Texas. -- F.U.C.K. zine FAQ, 1993
Q. What do you get if you eat Uranium???
A. You get Atomic ache!!!!!
Q: What is the measure of a worthwhile group?
A: Why, it's Volume, Volume, Volume. Any group that has lots of noise
in it must be good. Remember, the higher the volume of material in a
group, the higher percentage of useful, factual and insightful articles
you will find. In fact, if a group can't demonstrate a high enough
volume, it should be deleted from the net. -- Dear Emily Postnews
Q. Whats a prophylactic?
A. A planned parent hood!
Q: What's black & white and red all over? A: A Sabrina "period piece" drawing by Mitch Beiro